Australopitheca
The time machine violently bumps and rocks mid time warp.
Mayuri: “Uh oh.”
Master Devlin: “What the devil was that?”
Mayuri: “I’m not sure, but something has gone wrong… We’re a couple of weeks late, by the looks of it.”
Master Devlin: “Late? In a time machine?”
Mayuri: “Yes! Look at the date… 05/01/2023. Well, at least we’re close. Not much can have changed, surely.”
They step out of the time machine.
Reg: “Master Devlin! Thank goodness you’ve returned! Those few of us still loyal had almost given up hope.”
Master Devlin: “What’s wrong?”
Reg: “Well, it seems we’ve had something of a rapid demographic shift.”
Master Devlin: “What do you mean, demographic shift? Explain yourself.”
Reg: “Well, sir, it seems some of the personnel continued to spontaneously explode while you were gone, and then one of your colleagues, Master Goldenstein, started insisting that we needed to recruit more replacement workers. A lot more…”
Master Devlin: “Makes sense, I suppose.”
Reg: “Yes, well, the next day, legions of boats started arriving filled with Australopithecus…”
Master Devlin: “WHAT?”
Reg: “They’ve taken over most struts. They make up around 78% of personnel here. Some Masters complained they didn’t agree to it, but Master Goldenstein said it was a good thing and then accused them of racism. Many Masters then left. Some retreated to a few struts on the north-west side, but even they are gradually becoming ‘diversified’.”
Master Devlin: “Son of a bitch!”
A lone Australopithecus approaches. It sniffs Mayuri for a few moments, then stands before Master Devlin. It stands up straight, tall and proud, looking him in the eyes while pointing to its own eyes.
Australopithecus: “Look at me… I am Master now… You don’t belong no more. You go now, or we stomp. Leave girl here. She belong to me now… Also we want food… You bring food. Or we call you racisss.”
The Master is so enraged that he quietly slips into another fugue state.
Professor: “Oh dear… Perhaps we should do as he says… Here, young fellow, take my watch. It’s an old family heirloom. It should be worth something.”
Reg: “They have no alphabet, sir — not even numerals. I doubt they understand the concept of time or currency… Master Devlin?”
Professor: “He does this sometimes. Might take a while.”
The Australopithecus takes the professor’s watch and smashes it before walking away.
Professor: “Oh dear…”
Tess: “That was truly pathetic, Professor… Frankly, you deserved that…”
Reg: “Perhaps you’d like some sustenance? I’m afraid the mess hall is off limits now. But we have Guthrie in the control tower. He’s on sandwich duty.”
Mayuri: “Do you have chicken tenders?”
Reg: “I’m afraid not, madam.”
Tess: “Fish? Surely you have fish? We’re at sea, after all.”
Reg: “Actually, some of the men have been trying to craft fishing lines, but the Australopithecus keep destroying them for no apparent reason. So not yet, I’m afraid.”
Tess: “I’m not eating bloody sandwiches… I’ll go fishing myself if need be. But I’d rather not have to. Surely you have rations in storage?”
Reg: “The Australopithecus discarded pre-existing supplies, I’m afraid.”
Tess: “Unbelievable. How could you let the help take over like this??”
The Master comes out of his fugue. He shakes his head.
Master Devlin: “I do apologise — time travel has made me a little weary and catatonic… Right, where are we?”
Reg: “Australopitheca, they call it, sir. Formerly MasterBase.”
Master Devlin: “Right. Reg, where is this Goldenstein? I wish to see him at once. We are supposed to be looking for Widdle Frunkut, but I suppose we’ll need to deal with the pest issue.”
Reg: “Yes, sir… this way…”
They follow Reg across the deck and see many more Australopithecus.
Master Devlin: “My goodness, this place is like Planet of the Apes. I still don’t understand what on earth the Australopithecus are doing here. Aren’t they long extinct?”
Tess: “Apparently not, unfortunately.”
Reg: “I couldn’t speak to that, sir. I may be a prehistoric bird, but it isn’t really my area.”
Master Devlin: “Well, this isn’t a demographic shift — this is potentially an issue with time travel…”
They open a door to an office and head inside. Suddenly, they hear some kind of squawk.
Goldenstein: “Oh my gawd! Master Devlin! We were so worried about you!”
They turn to see a little man with a yarmulke, a large bushy beard, and a prominent nose scurry up to them.
Reg: “Ah, Master Goldenstein. Master Devlin was looking for you.”
Master Devlin: “Goldenstein, why is my base full of apes?”
Goldenstein: “Master Devlin, I’m shocked! That’s incredibly racist. Are you implying they don’t belong here??”
The Master backhands Goldenstein. He clutches his face in horror as he hits the deck.
Goldenstein: “Oh my gawd! Antisemitism!!!”
Master Devlin: “Shut up, you fool! Do you have any idea what you’ve done??”
Goldenstein: “I enriched MasterBase. Diversified it. There were too many mastas — uh huh, that’s right…”
Master Devlin: “Reg, open the door, will you please?”
Reg hops and attempts to grab the handle with his beak, but struggles.
Master Devlin: “Stanbot, help him please.”
Stanbot opens the door.
Master Devlin: “Thank you, Stanbot.”
The Master then grabs Goldenstein and tosses him out of the door onto the deck. He then walks over and kicks him, sending Goldenstein over the edge. Devlin turns back to his associates.
Master Devlin: “Does anyone have an issue with what I just did?”
Reg, Stanbot, the Professor, and Mayuri all look at each other nervously. Only Tess stands with her flippers folded and shakes her head.
Ed: “I do!”
The Master turns round with a look of disgust.
Master Devlin: “Ed. Kind of you to join us.”
Master Goldenstein’s yarmulke is caught on the edge.
Ed: “Don’t mind me, I’m just narrating… ‘Master Goldenstein’s yarmulke is caught on the edge…’”
Master Devlin: “No.”
The Master walks over and kicks it off.
Ed: “Hold your horses, stupid man!”
Master Devlin: “NO! You are delaying matters. You want me to find Widdle Frunkut, yet you keep delaying him actually returning.”
Ed: “Goldenstein cries for help.”
Master Devlin: “Stanbot, stick an anchor on Goldenstein, will you?”
Ed: “Mayuri attempts to help him.”
Suddenly, Mayuri runs out of the cabin and over to the edge to try to help Goldenstein. He’s quite small. She lifts him up by the yarmulke. He appears to be dangling by three hairs, like a marionette.
Goldenstein: “Thank you, my dear! This is outrageous! Just like Nazi Germany! I thought he had evolved past this… especially in the Waldoverse of all places…”
The Master loses his cool and snaps at the Editor.
Master Devlin: “Ed, can you fuck off, please, and let me get on with things!”
Suddenly, Ed morphs into Dirty Harry Callahan — albeit taller, even taller than the Master. He grabs Devlin by the shirt collar and lifts him up as he talks down to him.
Dirty Ed Harry: “Listen, punk. To me you’re nothin’ but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits, ya!”
Ed disappears.
Reg: “Oh dear. How embarrassing.”
Professor: “Above my word… was… was that him? The Editor? I saw him?”
Reg: “Yes, indeed, Professor. You have no idea how lucky we are to have witnessed that. He rarely shows himself to us mere mortals… I tried to warn you, Master Devlin. You should be respectful to our Lord.”
Mayuri notices something on the deck and picks it up.
Mayuri: “Oh, Mister Goldenstein, you dropped your… nose…?” Goldenstein quickly snatches it and reattaches the fake nose before the Master can notice.
Goldenstein: “Thank you, my dear… That brute will pay for this assault. I will take you to the cleaners, Master Devlin!”
Everyone stares at the Master awkwardly.
Master Devlin: “You’ve destroyed MasterBase, you motherfucker.”
Goldenstein: “Yes, well, evidently YOUR God agrees with me… I must be the chosen one after all…”
Master Devlin: “Whatever. Fuck you. I’m done with this bullshit.”
Goldenstein: “Come along, everyone. Let’s leave this bigoted antisemite to sulk. Let’s go get some ice cream! Bring your own money, though.”
They all reluctantly follow Goldenstein indoors.
The Master looks around at what has happened to the place and is heartbroken.
He spreads his wings, takes off, and flies away.
****
