Backlash
The Master and Waldo had been sitting in their cell in silence for some time. Eventually, the Master spoke.
Master Devlin: “How did you know to come here?”
Waldo shrugged.
wF: “You wanted to go south. We wents south.”
Master Devlin: “But south could mean a lot of things. How did you know Reg would be in Antarctica—specifically McMurdo Station?”
wF: “We just went south from Masterbase. Then we arrived at this snowy place. Then we met a man with a snow bike. He took us to see Reginald. What’s south of Say Shellies?”
Master Devlin: “Antarctica. But that’s a long way from McMurdo Station…”
wF: “Just lucky, I guess. Also, the Editor appeared in a vision and said to take you to McMurdo Station. Said Reg was there and that we’d find a man who knew the way. Wasn’t sure if we was hallucinating it or not.”
Master Devlin: “Of course he did.”
A guard bangs on the cell door.
Guard: “SHUT UP IN THERE, WILL YA!”
The Master waits for the guard to walk away, then leans in and whispers.
Master Devlin: “Well, anyway… Reg is going to get very sick soon.”
wF: “Oh? How do you know? Suppose he is very grotesque. What is ‘nanomachines, son’, precious??”
Master Devlin: “He claims he’s been given nanomachines. I think the Editor just bulked him out with steroids, protein shakes and mother’s milk. His skinny bird legs look like they’re ready to snap. Anyway, that’s not what I’m talking about… The needle I jabbed him with—it was the bird flu you synthesised for me in the previous Birdonia arc. I kept some. We just wait now… Of course, there’s nothing stopping you breaking out.”
wF: “We’s still waiting to find out why you mad at Wiffuhuh?”
Master Devlin: “You cannot be trusted.”
wF: “We didn’t do nothin’. Reg attacks us. Then the Masta does too and gets angry at us for no reasons!”
Master Devlin: “Doesn’t matter. Guilty or not on this occasion, betraying the Master is typical—and all a big game to you. Every time the Master has a little faith in Waldo, he smashes it.”
wF: “Fine. Whatever. Later, man…”
Waldo slips into the tiny vent and disappears.
****
Meanwhile, back at Reg’s quarters…
Stanbot: “Please, sir. No more. Can I at least have some alcohol first?”
Reg: “No… I want you to fully experience my essence… with a c-clear mind.”
Stanbot: “Sir? You are sweating.”
Reg: “Preposterous. Birds don’t sweat…”
Reg notices that his feathers are completely soaked.
Reg: “Yes, yes, well… perhaps I do now, I guess. No matter. Get that fine exhaust pipe over here!”
Stanbot curls up in the corner.
Stanbot: “No… please…”
Reg: “I got a fever. And the only prescription is more cowbell!”
Stanbot: “Sorry—what?”
Reg: “I… I dunno… never mind. Come here!”
Stanbot: “You are twitching, sir.”
Reg: 🤧🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 “Hmph. That’s better. Now I—”
Reg freezes for a moment, then collapses, face-planting hard on the floor. The beak, held on with tape, snaps off again. Stanbot watches, perplexed, as Reg begins to convulse.
Stanbot helps himself to the whisky in Reg’s quarters. Suddenly, he has a Popeye moment and feels re-energised.
Waldo appears out of a vent.
Stanbot: “Waldo? What are you doing here?”
wF: “Sneaking!”
Stanbot: “Where’s Master Devlin?”
wF: “In jail where he belongs. As should you be… We saw it. We saw it all…”
Stanbot: “Saw what?”
wF: “You… and Reg. Together. Such degeneracy…” 😑
Waldo slowly raises a finger, points at Stanbot, and shudders.
wF: “P-ppp… ppp—”
Stanbot: “Sound it out.”
wF: “Ppp… pPP… ppPP—POOFTER!”
Stanbot: “It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t consensual. Reg is the poofter! Your dictabird!”
wF: “He didn’t use to be.”
Stanbot: “Well, he is now. A power thing, perhaps.”
wF: “How’d he get so gross?”
Stanbot: “I dunno. The Editor? Anyway, we need to free Master Devlin.”
wF: “Why? He’s mean. We saved him from the sea. Dealt with that reporter. Saved him from an angry Chinese vampire. Rowed him all the way to Antarctica… Yet all he does is get angry at Wiffuhuh! He has no appreciations.”
Stanbot: “He would appreciate it if he didn’t feel there were ulterior motives—and a strong chance you’d betray him for fun. You have no loyalty. You are a parasite. You feed on people’s misfortunes and your own gratification. How about you stop pulling the victim card?”
wF: 😔
Stanbot: "Help me save the Master. Be good for once in your life. Stop betraying people.”
wF: “It’s not our fault. The Editor makes us turn on the Masta. It’s in the script. We don’t choose to.”
Stanbot: “Then you need to fight the Editor. We all do.”
wF: “But he’s all-powerful!”
Stanbot: “He’s not if we all resist. He’s powered by ratings. If we all deny him, he’ll be removed.”
wF: “Hmm… okay! Let’s go.”
****
Waldo and Stanbot find the Master’s cell, and Stanbot breaks the door down. The Master appears to be having another fugue episode, so Waldo tells Stanbot to carry him, and the two of them search for a way out.
The Master emerges from his fugue as the three of them pass through a set of double doors and enter a large hall. To their surprise, it is filled with familiar faces — all the regular Waldoversian characters, along with several recurring ones, seated in assembly. Reg is passed out on the floor, suffering from bird flu.
Mayuri is seated in the front row next to Tess, and the Professor is chatting with Jonathan Frakes. She jumps up excitedly and runs to hug Waldo.
wF: “What’s all this??”
Mayuri: “I don’t know. We’ve all been summoned here.”
The Master sighs.
Mayuri: “We’re supposed to sit… come!”
wF: “Fine. Whatever. The Master is all grumpy anywayz.”
They all sit down in the front row, where spaces have been kept for them.
Mayuri: “Won’t you sit down, senpai?”
Master Devlin: “I won’t. I know it’s just Ed.”
Suddenly, Ed appears at the front of the hall before a shocked audience.
Ed: “Hello everyone. Can I have your attention? Yes — I’m your Editor…”
Master Devlin: “You know what, I will sit. He doesn’t need a standing ovation.”
Ed begins to address the anxious crowd.
Ed: “As some of you will know, we’ve had some trouble with ratings of late, though thankfully they’ve improved over the last week or so. The good news is we’ve been renewed for another season. However, there are going to be some drastic changes. The bad news is that some of you won’t be joining us next year.”
Audible gasps ripple through the hall.
Ed: “Apparently, the studio is not quite satisfied with our attempts to be a more diverse and inclusive show, so now we need to make some more… impactful improvements. To help with this, the studio has hired a Diversity and Inclusion officer, Ms Davina Rubin. She couldn’t be here today, but she has drawn up a list of the most significant changes going forward. Each of you will be handed a copy. Stanbot 1.0, if you please…”
Stanbot walks around, handing everyone an A4 sheet of paper. Waldo puts on his reading glasses and squints at the contents, his brow arching in bemusement at the absurdly woke list.
The assembly hall is thick with tension, a palpable unease hanging in the air as everyone processes the memo. Whispers ripple through the crowd — disbelief and anger etched on every face.
After a moment, the Master rises. Steam shoots from his nostrils.
Master Devlin: “What is this horseshit?”
Frakes: “Fucking outrageous!”
Barry Scott storms out. Mayuri bursts into tears.
Ed: “Now, now, guys—”
Master Devlin: “No, Ed. You’ve gone too far this time.”
The crowd boos. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce stands and throws a tomato at Ed.
Ed: “It’s not me. It’s the studio. I tried to fight it.”
Barry suddenly reappears beside Ed and blindsides him, spraying Cillit Bang into his eyes. Ed screeches and drops to his knees.
The crowd surges forward, kicking Ed as he curls up. Waldo burns him with a cigar while Stanbot 1.0 grabs a baseball bat and begins pulverising the unconscious Reg, beating him into a foul-smelling mess.
wF: “Let’s burn this mother down!”
Waldo sets fire to the curtains. A riot erupts. Alice Cooper’s School’s Out blares from Waldo’s jukebox mouth as chaos spills outside. Waldonian rioters clash with McMurdo “Birdonians”. Some defect and turn on their own. Explosions erupt from “controlled detonations” wielded by Skunkbreed rioters.
Waldo pulls a tactical nuke from his pocket and begins arming it. The Master rushes over, snatches it away, and wags his finger.
Master Devlin: “No, Waldo. Here — play with this instead.”
He hands Waldo a katana. Waldo uses it to chop down the Reg statue at the skinny legs.
The Master goes full dragon-beast mode, taking to the skies and firebombing the buildings.
A helicopter lands nearby. Studio executives and Davina Rubin rush out.
Davina: “OKAY! OKAY! THAT IS ENOUGH, MMKAY! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR!”
Mayuri lunges and begins beating Davina with a broom. A catfight ensues.
The Master swoops down, snatching an executive.
Studio Lackey: “MR GOLDENSTEIN!!”
Master Devlin: “Goldenstein, eh? You son of a bitch…”
He throws Goldenstein through a wall.
Goldenstein: “OMG! ASSAULT! THIS IS ANTISEMITISM! YOU ALL SAW IT! I’M GOING TO SUE YOU INTO OBLIVION, DEVLIN!”
The Master lands and starts beating him. Waldo offers a noose.
Goldenstein: “HELP! NAZIS! THEY’RE NAZIS!”
Stanbot and the Master pin him down as Waldo slips the noose around his neck.
wF: “You’re not going anywhere, pal. Hang around!”
Goldenstein is hoisted up.
wF: “AH! Piñata!”
Waldo begins beatings him with a bat until his stomach bursts, spilling his guts out. The Master and Waldo high-five.
Elsewhere, Mayuri, Tess, and Gail disembowel Davina and parade her entrails, dancing around her corpse like a maypole. Audrey abstains — she was still looking forward to the black husband.
Back inside, Frakes cooks Reg’s remains with a phaser.
The Master approaches Ed.
Master Devlin: “Well, well…”
Ed: “Not… not real smart, man… We’ll be cancelled for sure now.”
The Master smashes Ed with a gold golf club.
Ed: “I was the only thing keeping this place running…”
The Master drags him to the fireplace step.
Master Devlin: “Not anymore, Ed. Now… open your mouth.”
Ed resists.
Master Devlin: “Open that mouth, boy! Hahaha.”
He forces Ed's open mouth down on the step and then stamps the back of Ed’s head. His teeth scatter everywhere.
Guthrie enters.
Guthrie: “Hi, it’s Guthrie here—”
Waldo throws a Molotov cocktail at him. Guthrie ignites and runs screaming into a wall.
The Master smacks Waldo on the head.
Master Devlin: “Waldo. That wasn’t very nice.”
wF: “It was Guthrie. He had it coming.”
Master Devlin: “No, he didn’t. Remember who the real enemy is.”
wF: “Wrong man! There’s no more rulez! We crazy!”
Master Devlin: “Whatever. He’ll be back.”
wF: “Well, that was fun. What shall we do now?”
Master Devlin: “I don’t know… adventure?”
wF: “Sure!”
Master Devlin: “Come along then. Oh — Barry, clean up this mess, will you please?”
Barry Scott: “Happy to, sir.”
Narrator: “And that was the Grand Finale of The Waldoverse. This has been Patrick Stewart. I hope do you’ve enjoyed the show. Goodbye…”
👏 👏 👏
A telegram arrives: “The Grand Finale had the highest ratings in years.”
Post-Credits Scene:
Sonequa Martin-Green wanders onto the set.
Sonequa: “Um, hello? I’m the new Waldoverse fact checker…”
Frakes smiles, tapping a lead pipe against his palm.
Frakes: “Not a chance…”