Herbert Waldo: Reanimated
On his quest to find Waldo, the Master found the last known rough location of Skunk V. Knowing that the Skunk had a wood fetish, the Master acquired a selection of teak timber blocks. He left them in a distinct, obvious location on the outskirts of town, then hid and waited.
Approximately seven hours later, Skunk V and his team of Skunkbreeds turned up. They all salivated over the wood piles. They loaded the timber onto a wagen and returned to their base. The Master followed.
They arrived at the nest, a truly vile place. The Master saw a stockpile of hoarded items and other filth, including Waldo's sludge essence. Skunk V sat on his throne like a young Liquid Snake. Nearby was an even larger pile of wood, clearly hoarded to satisfy the Skunks’ very sick and unhealthy fetish (a true story, by the way).
The Master sneaked around behind the stockpile and set fire to the wood. Chaos erupted as the Skunks panicked over the burning timber. Meanwhile, the Master sneaked in and stole Waldo's essence.
The Master then disappeared without a trace.
The Master heads to London and finds Waldo's old witch doctor, asking him to return Waldo to his former self.
Master Devlin: "I never thought I'd say this, but we need Waldo back. The Waldoverse has gone woke. It needs to be purged..."
Larry: "Pour the baking soda in with the Waldo goo and mix it up. Then put it in the fridge for seven hours."
Master Devlin: "Can we use your fridge, please, Larry? I'm a little apprehensive — last time I put Waldo in my own fridge, we ended up with Zuul the Gatekeeper in my kitchen."
Larry: "Yet you're happy to risk mine?"
Master Devlin: "Sure. It's not my fridge. I don't keep food in your fridge…"
Larry: "My fridge is full of medicines and exotic condiments…"
Master Devlin: "Fine. I'll be back."
Thirty minutes later, the Master returns with an empty fridge.
Master Devlin: "Where can I plug this in?"
Larry: "There's an outlet over there. It'll cost you to use my electricity, though — cost of living crisis and whatnot."
The Master leaves a stack of bills on the counter.
Larry: "Thanks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another patient with a tiny shrunken head waiting…"
Master Devlin: "Oh dear…"
Larry heads into the next room. The Master catches a glimpse of some large, bulky thing with a tiny reptilian head. The door closes, and then only the Doctor Zhivago theme can be heard, along with screeching and drilling.
****
Some time later, the refrigerator starts making unwell noises and explodes. The witch doctor’s surgery fills with smoke, causing the waiting patients to flee.
Larry stares at the Master, who is still standing frozen in the middle of the room.
Larry: “MASTER DEVLIN! HELLOOOO…”
Master Devlin: “What? Oh… I apologise, Larry. These time travel trips have left me a little weary and providing me with unusual dreams. In my dream, I have spent the past few days in Budapest. What happened to the fridge?”
Larry: “It blew up. Where did it come from? You found it in a skip, didn’t you?”
Master Devlin: “Umm… I found it on Portobello Road.”
Larry: “Here, drink this… it should help with the time lag…”
Master Devlin: “Thank you. I’m a little nauseous.”
Larry: “Well, drink up.”
The Master drinks.
Master Devlin: “Good lord, that is quite repulsive… How is Waldo doing?”
Larry: “I haven’t looked. You better go see. He’s been in there this whole time. The reality is, you’ve been standing here for almost a week, and you’ve provided considerable curiosity for my patients. Some even took to urinating on you, I’m afraid — thought it would bring good luck. Also, some children pooped on your head. You’ve become our resident jungle gym. Even the Prime Minister came to urinate on you.”
Master Devlin: “Do you have anything to clean the urine and faecal matter off me?”
Larry: “You’re in luck. We still have running water in this establishment. For now. Unusual for this town these days. But I must warn you — it’s quite brown.”
Master Devlin: “Any alcohol?”
Larry: “Afraid not. Outlawed here.”
Master Devlin: “In London?”
Larry: “Yes. It’s like 1920s Prohibition. But instead of feds, it’s sharia patrols… Frankly, I’ve had just about enough of this place and am thinking of making a move… How’s Widdlington?”
Master Devlin: “It’s nice, but chaotic, to say the least… Anyway, I think I’ll pay the Prime Minister a visit after I conclude my business.”
Larry: “He won’t do anything about it.”
Master Devlin: “Is the Prime Minister a monkey?”
Larry: “Whoa… that’s rather racist of you. He’s Indian, actually… Wait a minute… I just realised, you were the guy in the news, right? The anti-Australopitheca guy?”
Master Devlin: “Hrrmm…”
Larry: “The journalists really don’t like you… which, I guess, means you’re probably okay in my book. In fact, now that I remember, the authorities are looking for you. So I would not advise going to see the PM. Firstly, because you’re supposed to be a statue. And if you tell them who you are, you’ll be arrested. There’s a mob after you.”
Master Devlin: “Yeah, apparently I’m racist because I objected to my base being taken over by damn dirty apes. And I’ve heard there are a few folk after me… No matter.”
Larry: “I guess you haven’t been paying attention to the news, being in a fugue state and all… Australopitheca as a nation collapsed a few days ago, despite the UN attempting to bail them out. Since then, that vile woman who writes for the Waldopolis Chronicle has stirred up an angry mob blaming you and the other masters for leaving and allowing it to fail. The cowardly government initially refused to get involved but has since caved, and there is a warrant for your arrest. They intend to put you on some show trial, from the sounds of it. Just a heads up.”
Master Devlin: “I see. Such is life. Thanks for the tip. Now. Widdle Frunkut?”
Larry: “Should still be in the broken fridge where you left it.”
The Master opens the fridge.
Master Devlin: “Oh dear.”
Waldo is a heavily deformed-looking splat inside the fridge.
Larry: “Not to worry. It looks like the goo thickened up, which was the intention.”
Master Devlin: “Very well. What next?”
Larry: “Scrape up the Waldo clay and bring it to this workbench. Now, you’re going to need to warm it up in your purple palms, then mould it into the Waldo shape.”
The Master gets a spatula and starts prying Waldo’s bits off the fridge. It’s like plasticine.
Master Devlin: “Okay, there we are. What now?”
Larry: “This reanimation gel should do the trick. I’ll need you to get a car battery or something to shock the Waldo clay.”
Master Devlin: “I found this very large forklift battery.”
Larry: “Very well. Hook it up.”
Larry makes a syringe full of glowing green concoction float and injects it into the Waldo clay model.
Larry: “Alright. Zap him.”
Waldo explodes and splats all over the walls.
Master Devlin: “Oh dear.”
Larry: “I think the voltage might have been too high. Perhaps 7 volts is the optimal voltage. Well, clean it up and try again. I’ll be in my office.”
The Master starts peeling cooked Waldo goo off the wall.
Master Devlin: “You have an office? You just float there.”
Larry: “Yes, but it exists in another dimension in which I have hands and lots of paperwork to do. Being a fully licensed transdimensional witch doctor involves more red tape than you might expect.”
****
Tess: “Ah, Devlin, there you are. I thought you’d scurried off? What the devil are you doing here? And what is... that thing? I thought this was a doctor’s surgery?”
The Master turns to the door to find Tess von Hildendorf scowling at him. The Professor and Mayuri then enter.
Master Devlin: “I’m doing Master-related business. More to the point, what are you doing here?”
The Professor and Mayuri then enter.
Mayuri: “Hi senpai!”
Master Devlin: “Hello, Mayuri. Professor...”
Tess: “We are still looking for that useless husband of... ours.”
Professor: “We heard of this doctor and thought it might be a lead. I guess you had the same idea.”
The Master sighs.
Master Devlin: “The mess on the table is your husband. And on the walls over there... I retrieved him from a skunk pit, but he’s still stuck in liquid form. His witch doctor, Larry, is in the next room. We’ve been trying to put Waldo back together.”
Mayuri: “Poor goberin-san...”
Tess: “Bloody layabout...”
Tess barges in and starts scolding the Waldo splat when Larry rematerialises next to them.
Tess: “Pull yourself together, you useless rotter. You’re embarrassing me in front of the peasant folk.”
Larry: “Hello? What’s all this then?”
Tess: “What the bloody hell is that?”
Master Devlin: “Dr Larry Fraser. Waldo’s witch doctor.”
Tess: “This thing is the doctor we seek??”
Master Devlin: “Yes.”
Tess: “Why am I not surprised? Only my fool of a husband would choose a floating lump of wood and some feathers as a physician...”
Master Devlin: “You should be more respectful, Tess. This floating lump of wood is helping your husband. And come to think of it, why are you even here, Tess? We haven’t even established why you even care about Waldo... What’s in it for you?”
Tess: “It’s none of your concern, Devlin.”
Professor: “The ex-Kaiserin believes the Waldoverse has gone a bit... wrong. And that Mr Waldo needs to return to give everyone a kick up the backside.”
Master Devlin: “Oh?”
Tess: “Those ungrateful peasants have stripped me of my title, if you can believe it. ‘Cancelled’, they say! Me! Tess von Hildendorf? Outrageous!?”
Larry: “No, no... I can’t imagine why...”
Tess: “I know, but those dirty yokels have become entitled. You must return my husband at once. Only he can put the fear of the Ed back in them...”
Master Devlin: “I’m trying to work on it. If you’d only stop squawking, then maybe...”
Tess: “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?? This is all your fault. I heard about about all the mental torture you brought upon my husband. The filthy butter, sandwiches and . It broke him... Now no one is there to terrorise the Waldoversians and keep them in check. They’re too comfortable. Decadent. Entitled. And now it’s come back to bite you as well, so don’t you dare try to act like you’re above it all. I saw what they were saying about you in the paper. They’re after you too...”
Master Devlin: “Yeah, yeah. Waldo had it coming. He was not innocent by any means. I put up with his shit for far too long...”
Tess: “Don’t change the subject. You know I’m right. He was a necessary evil, it seems.”
Master Devlin: “Perhaps. One thing I agree with you on is that the Waldoverse has indeed gone very weird and woke. So yes, I’m here trying to revive Waldo. So how about you give me some peace and let me get back to it.”
Tess: “Fine. Just get a bloody move on. Every day that I’m denied my rightful place on the imperial throne is a crime against common decency.”
Master Devlin: “Of course... Now, if you please...”
Professor: “Perhaps we should get some lunch then and let the Master get on with it, Kaiserin? Too many cooks in the kitchen help no one...”
Tess: “Hmph. Very well. Let’s go get some fish heads.”
Mayuri: “I was really hoping to get some chicken tenders, Ms von Hildendorf.”
Tess: “Nonsense, my dear. I’m not going to have you dine on peasant food in my presence. Besides, you’re Japanese — you love fish... Now come along, dear...”
Mayuri: “Umm. Okay... Bye, senpai. See you soon!”
Master Devlin: “Yes, yes. Goodbye.”
****
A short time later, Larry comes back to check on the Master’s progress.
Larry: “How are we getting on?”
Master Devlin: “I’ve fitted twelve D-cell batteries together and been zapping the reassembled Waldo mush. It reacts, but doesn’t seem to want to maintain shape. Watch…”
The Master zaps the Waldo clay, which springs up, takes various shapes, then collapses back down again.
Larry: “I see what you mean. I suspect it lacks the energy to retain its form… Here, soak it in some of this.”
Larry makes a bottle of Lucozade materialise on the counter. The Master opens the bottle and pours it over the Waldo clay. The Lucozade is rapidly absorbed and a slurping sound can be heard.
Larry: “Shock it again.”
The Master grabs the electrodes and zaps it. The clay begins to vibrate, faster and faster. A few seconds later, smoke fills the room as it launches into the air and bounces around the room off the walls, finally crashing into a utility closet. After a brief pause for suspense, the door slams open and reveals Waldo in his classic form once again.
wF: “BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND, IT’S ME! WIDDLE FRUNKUT! HA HA!”
The goblin immediately starts rummaging around the surgery, excitedly emptying drawers and cupboards, then either discarding the contents on the floor or stuffing them into his pockets.
Larry: 😒 “Well, there you go. I think it’s fixed. Now kindly stop ransacking my surgery…”
wF: “Ah! A patient! Fear not, Doctor Waldo is in the house! Let me just get my tools.”
Waldo approaches a random Somalian woman in the patient waiting area. She recoils as he comes at her with an assortment of rotating bladed devices.
wF: “What seems tO bE the tRouBLE, sir? Brain disease? Let’s have a look then, shALL wE? Nurse! Ice creAm scoop and cranium saw. Stat!”
The Master whistles at Waldo.
Master Devlin: “Oi, Waldo!”
wF: “Oh hey, Masta. Are you here for surgery too?”
The Master whacks Waldo in the face with his trusty shovel.
wF: “You hit me!?”
Master Devlin: “How dare you be away for so long?”
wF: “Away where? We wasn’t aware of being away. We was sweeping!”
Master Devlin: “Sweeping what? Oh… right. Sleeping…”
wF: “Uh huh. Where is we?”
Master Devlin: “Dr Larry’s surgery. Portobello Road. London town…”
wF: “Ah. Is it 1940 again?”
Master Devlin: “No… present day.”
wF: “Ah. Waldo year 507 it is then!”
Master Devlin: “No. That year is… well, never mind. The Editor always censors us. Not allowed to mention it. Anyway, shall I buy you lunch, Waldo? I have a proposition.”
wF: “Yes please!”
Master Devlin: “Not marriage…”
wF: “Oh.” 😔
Master Devlin: “Something more to your taste.”
wF: “It’s not Japanese food, is it?”
Master Devlin: “No.”
wF: “Good. Horrible food.”
Master Devlin: “I can imagine. Come along… Thanks, Larry.”
Waldo takes the Master’s hand and follows him out the door.
Larry nods, looking around at his trashed establishment.
****
The Master treats Waldo to a steak diner at a nearby diner.
wF: "This place is real swell. It reminds us of the diner we had in the 1960s. In Alabama."
Master Devlin: "Oh yeah. Although I thought it was Savannah."
wF: "Maybe. Don't recall. We'd check the Chronicles of Wiffuhuh, but I believe those chapters are lost to the sands of time."
Master Devlin: "No matter. How's your steak?"
wF: "Tasty!" slurp
Master Devlin: "Very good."
Waldo licks the plate, then eats the plate too. He then pockets the steak knife.
Master Devlin: "I'm glad you enjoyed that, but can you please not make a scene? We have business to discuss."
wF: "Yes, it's been many winters since you took I and I out to dinner an' ting, seen? What's the occasion? You must've really missed Wiffuhuh, me Bredren... Sight!"
Master Devlin: "Alright now. Settle down... Let's just…"
wF: "By the way, what's with the hat, sunglasses, and trench coat? You being a pervert man again?"
Master Devlin: "That's what I was wanting to speak to you about. I'm currently a fugitive, apparently."
wF: "How come? You're not rapin' again, are you, Masta?"
Master Devlin: "No. I spoke out of turn. Challenged a jew."
wF: "Oh dear... Why not just throw him out like we did in our day?"
Master Devlin: "I tried actually. I literally threw him off Master Base into the sea, but the Editor intervened and saved him."
wF: "I see. Now, did you try to kill him BECAUSE he was a jew, or did he just happen to be one?"
Master Devlin: "Just happened to be one. He's also gay. Double hate crime."
wF: "What is hate crime, precious?"
Master Devlin: "Anything and everything these days."
wF: "Is this still Waldoverse?"
Master Devlin: "Yes... but a very unpleasant version. It would appear there has been an imbalance since you've been away. Also, when I've been away, things have been happening. Australopithecus, which have been extinct for a long time, have just turned up in their masses."
wF: "Great Scott!"
Master Devlin: "I feel the Editor has had a hand in this. Possibly because it has taken a while for me to find you. This may be his way of punishing me."
wF: "Well, he is all-powerful. I told you that you shouldn't have been rude to him, sir."
Master Devlin: "Anyway, he has seemingly allowed Master Goldenstein to undermine my authority and allowed the Australopithecus to take over Master Base."
wF: "Ha! We knew the mastas were juden all along!"
Master Devlin: "No, just him... Anyway, the Australopithecus have since started spreading everywhere, and many are here now. Many of us aren't thrilled by the new demographic, but apparently the liberal establishment have endorsed it and targeted me for speaking out against it. Toby Hunter at the Chronicle back in Widdlington, in particular, has continued spreading misinformation about me.
The fact is, as long as Hunter prints her lies and woke propaganda, I cannot freely traverse the Waldoverse. So I'd like you to dispatch her. However you see fit."
wF: "A sanctioned hit, eh?"
Master Devlin: "Off books."
wF: "Can we he has money for expenses?"
Master Devlin: "Yes. How much would you like?"
wF: "£7."
Master Devlin: "Deal."
The Master hands Waldo a tenner. Waldo reaches into his pocket and pulls a handful of coppers and 10p coins, with some complimentary creepy crawlies, and dumps them in the Master's hand.
Master Devlin: "Right then. Let's head back to Widdlington, shall we?"
wF: "Capital."
****
One hour later… The Master stands in his office, watching the news.
WBC NEWS: CHRONICLE CANCELLED: Manhunt underway following a violent attack on the Waldopolis Chronicle newspaper office. Multiple fatalities. Several staff members reportedly “impaled”.
Waldo walks in.
wF: “Hi, Masta! Job’s done! Isn’t that right, Toby?”
Waldo holds up Toby Hunter’s decapitated head.
wF: “Speak up, Toby! You’re in the presence of the Masta! Hmm. Seems she talks tough when she's writing her opinion pieces in the paper, but suddenly she's all shy in person...”
Master Devlin: “Splendid. Go place her head on display in the Department of Australopithecus Affairs. Then return and we'll discuss the next phase.”
wF: “What’s the next phase, sir?”
Master Devlin: “Dealing with the Australopithecus problem. They’re causing an ecological disaster.”
wF: “How we do that?”
Master Devlin: “We need to start a pandemic to wipe them out. I'm thinking we need to acquire some vocal cord parasites. I’m hoping Larry maybe has some ideas. I will speak to him while you deliver the head.”
wF: “Do we have to?”
Master Devlin: “Yes. To send a message. Also, there’s another £7 in it for you.”
wF: “Okay!”