THE WALDOVERSE ARCHIVES

lounge

The Holy Warrior & The Fortress of Phlegm

The Master walks into the Council Library to find Reg sitting at the desk with Stanbot 2.0, who is cataloguing a stack of shiny new books.

Reg: "Ah, Master Devlin. You're back. How was your holiday? Turks & Caicos, was it?"

Master Devlin: "Yes. Fine, thank you. I have a home there. However, I felt compelled to return as we may have an issue. Have you seen the latest Waldoverse comic?"

Reg: "Yes, sir, I'm an avid subscriber. I get them beamed directly to my neural net..."

Master Devlin: "Can you explain? I'm out of the loop."

Reg: "Oh, well, the Waldoverse comics are indeed curious, I must say... sent to us by the almighty Editor himself. They show many things. Things that were... things that are... and some things... that have not yet come to pass..."

Master Devlin: "Yes, yes, yes. I mean specifically the newest comic featuring Waldo. Has he really descended into cross‑dressing madness, or has Mayuri somehow returned and become a goblin? One can never assume in the Waldoverse..."

Reg: "Ah. Yes, of course. Quite right to check, sir. My sources tell me the latest is in fact happening now, as we speak. I'm afraid the deportation of Miss Shiina has caused Mr Waldo's madness to progress. To my knowledge, she has not returned, and he has in fact become something of a rambling recluse."

Master Devlin: "Recluse? So he hasn't been running amok and terrorising people?"

Reg: "On the contrary, sir. It's been quite peaceful since you left."

Master Devlin: "Oh... um... well. Good! I suppose..."

Reg: "Well, perhaps not entirely, sir."

Master Devlin: "What do you mean?"

Reg: "Well, it's probably just a coincidence... a passing fad... but since Mr Waldo has been off the streets, the Waldoverse has gone a bit... peculiar."

Master Devlin: "Oh? In what way?"

Reg: "Well, there seems to be a rather curious preoccupation with identity politics. It was mainly online and in the universities at first, but it seems to have gone mainstream. Everyone is concerned with diversity and such. They’re even pushing to ‘de‑colonise’ the Masters Council..."

Master Devlin: "Pfft. Ridiculous."

Stanbot 2.0: "We just received this shipment of books today, sir. We're being told to discard some of our priceless old volumes in order to make room for these new ones."

The Master leafed through a few of the newly arrived titles:

Master Devlin: "Good lord... where did this trash come from? Who signed off on this?"

Stanbot 2.0: "I'm not sure, sir. I was just told by the head of the department to put it on the shelves, front and centre."

Master Devlin: "I see... I will look into this. But first I think we should pay Waldo a visit. I assume you know where he is?"

Reg: "Yes, sir."

Master Devlin: "Good. Let's go then. Stanbot, forget that and carry Reg, please..."

****

After a short walk across Waldobury, they arrive at a fairly large detached house not far from the Council campus. They knock on the door. The Skunkbreed butler answers and, without saying a word, invites the three into the Waldo home and brings them to the living room. An 18th-century portrait of Waldo hangs above the fireplace. The skunk butler directs their attention to some kind of fortress in the corner.

It was a curious structure. Vaguely brutalist in its design, but with elements of art deco. About 7 feet tall, and appeared to be constructed out of dried phlegm, paper, and some kind of resin.

Reg hops along the floor and peers into the doorway to find Waldo sleeping upside down like a bat. He's smaller than usual. About 7 inches tall at most.

Reg: "Mr Waldo? It's Reg..."

wF: 😴😴😴

The Master kicks the fortress, in typical brutish fashion...

Master Devlin: "Wake up!"

wF: "What what? What's all this racket? Mayuri, get the f***ing door!"

Reg: "Mr Waldo? Are you alright?"

wF: "Who's th— is th—? My goodness! Colonel Tibbits, as I live and breathe!"

Reg: "Actually it's..."

wF: "It's been forever, man! How are you? And you've brought friends... By my word... Captain Wewis! And I suppose this strapping hunk of metal is Enola? Delighted to meet you! Come in, come in! My wife will be very excited to meet you. She's a nip too, y'know."

Master Devlin: "Oh dear..."

Stanbot helps himself to whisky located at the corner table. Reg turns to the Master, looking for guidance.

Master Devlin: "Keep trying. You may get through to him yet. I have brought my shovel, but I'd rather not resort to it just yet..."

Reg: "Yes sir... Mr Waldo? It's me, Reginald. Your dictabird... And look, the Master and Stanbot are also here to see you."

Waldo hops out the fortress of phlegm, returning to his normal size of 2'5", and starts pacing around the living room.

wF: "Poppycock! Reg is dead and The Master is some sort of travelling witch now. Nice try, Colonel... Now, how about a spot of tea? It's Japanese, y'know. MAYURI! GET DOWN HERE AND MAKE OUR GUESTS SOME OF YOUR GOD-DAMN TEA! I swear, that woman drives me mad... Anyway, now that you've returned from the war, we ought to get down to business... Have you refuelled the ship yet? I'm still working on assembling a team but we had some difficulties breaking Zordon out of his cage."

Reg: "Oh dear. I fear we may require the shovel after all..."

Master Devlin: "Understood."

The Master pulls out his retractable spring-loaded shovel out of his pocket, extends it with a sharp snap, then smacks Waldo across the face. He splats against the wall.

The Waldo goo slides down the wall and pools on the carpet. The Master waits several seconds for it to reform, but nothing happens.

Master Devlin: "Come on, Waldo, pull yourself together."

Nothing.

Master Devlin: "Stanbot, shock him, will you."

Stanbot goes over to the Waldo puddle, pulls two wires out of his chassis and sparks them together, then proceeds to shock the goo a few times.

Stanbot looks to Master Devlin and shakes his head.

Master Devlin: "Oh dear..."

Reg: "What's the matter with him?"

Master Devlin: "One too many shovel strikes, I suppose... I'm sure he'll come around. Let's find a container to scoop him into and we'll take him with us."

The Editor walks in.

Ed: "Hello, I'm the Editor. You may remember me from such moments as the Master's frivolous lawsuit against God Almighty and the Kaiser arc..."

Master Devlin: "..."

Reg planks himself face-first on the ground.

Reg: "My lord! You grace us with your presence!"

Ed: 😏

The Master grabs Reg and yanks him to his feet.

Master Devlin: "Get up, you! What do you want, Ed?"

Ed: "Oh nothing, really... Just stopping by to check in on my way to Tahiti. There's a volcano I need to erupt shortly..."

Ed inspects the Waldo goo.

Ed: "Hmm. What's all this? Seems to be a dead Waldo situation again."

Master Devlin: "We're handling it. Why don't you run along?"

Stanbot does a rusty fart in the presence of the Editor. Ed turns and glares at him.

Ed: "Dirty... Y'know, I'm thinking of having this thing retired. It's a useless character."

The Master and Stanbot just blankly stare at Ed.

Ed: "Well then... I must be off. Just remember, I'm always, always there. Always, always watching... Goodbye!"

Ed jumps through the living room window and scrambles off.

Master Devlin: "Anyway..."

The Master looks down to see Reg is still awestruck.

Reg: 😍

Master Devlin: "For goodness sake, Reg, have some restraint, man."

Reg: "But the Editor... He was here... In this very room."

Master Devlin: "You'd be wise to ignore him."

Reg: "Ignore him?? But he is the creator! You wouldn't have a body if it weren't for him! He designed you. All of us. It's in the holy Waldoverse scripture."

Stanbot 2.0: "I really could use a drink."

Reg: "You know, Stanbot, you're always complaining about your alcoholism and blaming Mr Waldo... I know of a way to help you overcome it. You need to give yourself up to a higher power. The Editor! I'm sure he'll fix it for you! And Master Devlin's Fabergé egg addiction too! You could sponsor each other."

The Master scoffs as Reg whips out a heavenly portrait of Ed from under his wing and holds it up as if it's some kind of evidence.

Master Devlin: "Ed is a crook and I want nothing to do with him... Besides, things become dangerous when the Editor directly involves himself, so we should proceed with caution... Now let's find a container for Waldo..."

The Master wanders into a cupboard and finds boxes of fake moustaches. The Master sighs, closes the door, and walks away.

Reg: "Please, Master Devlin, I'm trying to be tolerant but your blasphemy is rather distressing. Say what you will about Jesus or Muhammad but please leave the Editor out of this!"

Stanbot 2.0: "Master Devlin is correct. The Editor is an arse."

Stanbot snatches a picture of the so-called Editor and does a rusty, oily fart all over it, then hands it back to Reg. Reg immediately goes into rage mode, jumps at Stanbot, knocks him down and starts violently pecking at his circuits.

A plume of smoke rises from Stanbot as he short-circuits and shuts down. Sparks ignite the living room. The phlegm fortress tower turns into a fireball.

Master Devlin: "Oh dear."

Minutes later, the Master leaves the burning building, carrying Stanbot's smoking body over one shoulder, and carrying Reg under the other arm and a Tupperware tub full of Waldo goo.

Master Devlin: "Reg, you bloody fool. Look what you did!"

Reg: "I'm... I'm sorry, Master Devlin... I saw red and I..."

Master Devlin: "You lost control."

Reg nods his head while looking at his feet.

Reg: "Yes, but I assure you, I'm fine now. Though I must admit, I had no idea I had it in me. A holy warrior! Fighting blasphemy."

Master Devlin: "Yes, well, let's have no more of that."

Reg: "What about the butler? Is he still inside?"

The Master glances back at the burning house and then shrugs.

Master Devlin: "No idea. Anyway, thanks to you, Stanbot needs to be mended, but I don't have what I need here and will have to take him to Master Base."

Reg: "I see. Well I'll just..."

Master Devlin: "You're coming too. You need electroshock therapy. Your love for the Editor is unhealthy..."

Reg: "I see... Well, if you think it necessary."

Master Devlin: "I do."

Reg: "What about Mr Waldo?"

The Master stares at the tub.

Master Devlin: "I'm going to put him into storage. In the Council basement."

Reg: "Is that wise, sir? What if he wakes up and runs amok?"

Master Devlin: "I'm not going to risk him getting loose in Master Base again. Besides, I'm going to have his essence guarded by top men."

Reg: "Top men, sir?"

The Master nods.

Master Devlin: "TOP MEN..."