Replacement Theory 101
wF: "Hi Sally! It's me! Wiffuhuh!"
Master Devlin: "You hush now. The Master is doing his work."
wF: "Work?? What work?"
Master Devlin: "Mastering."
wF: "Wiffuhuh is your work! Yousa be cheating on Wiffuhuh?"
Master Devlin: "Actually, yes..."
The Master draws Waldo's attention to the young gnome sitting at a desk.
Master Devlin: "Say hello to Hugo, Waldo. You will be taking lessons together."
Waldo spits.
wF: "How could you?? Betrayal!! We will not stand for this!"
Master Devlin: "Sit down then. Today’s lesson is on Chaos Theory."
wF: "NEVER!"
Waldo storms out the door. The Master keeps his eyes fixed on the classroom door. Predictably, seconds later Waldo returns. Without acknowledging the gnome, Waldo scowls at the Master.
wF: "Who is this Hugo, and why do you want him killed?"
Master Devlin: "He's a gnome, and my new pupil. And you will be nice to him."
wF: "But we is your pupil. This is unacceptable!"
Master Devlin: "You are welcome to continue as co-pupil, providing you behave, but you will accept Hugo."
wF: "NEVER! We hates Hugo! Look at him. Filthy disgusting gnomeses should be erradicated for the good of all gardens! Time for a Hugo holocaust!"
Master Devlin: "You leave Hugo alone. He's doing no harm."
wF: "We will nots share a classroom with that ...thing."
Master Devlin: "Fine. Go find Reg and bring him here."
wF: "Why?"
Master Devlin: "I wish to see him. He still needs to be punished."
wF: "For what? Why you hates Reg anyhow."
Master Devlin: "The Birdonia arc... His treachery during the Waldonia arc..."
wF: "You mean the part where you raped him in the distant future during the event that didn't happen?"
Master Devlin: "According to you, it did. The rape part is disputed. Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I have a class to teach. Just bring me the bird."
wF: "Nope!"
Master Devlin: "Why not?"
wF: "No incentives! Wiffuhuh isn't your fetch goblin."
Master Devlin: "Yes he is. You will do as I command."
wF: "No way, man. Get Fugu to do it."
Master Devlin: "Very well... Hugo! Can you go collect the dictabird, Reginald van der Beak, please?"
Hugo nods and runs out of the classroom.
Master Devlin: "Hugo is mute, but he's quite bright. He might pleasantly surprise you."
wF: "Pfft. Fat chance. That boy ain't right."
Master Devlin: "What's your issue with him?"
wF: "He's not supposed to be here. An invasive species."
Master Devlin: "So are you. Frankly, Widdle Frunkut, you are a lost cause and I must focus my efforts elsewhere. The Master has to keep busy teaching those who actually want to better themselves."
wF: "The Masta was fired. A convicted murderer. You could have expunged the record, but you refused to offer fealty to the Editor."
Master Devlin: "Oh, shut up, Waldo. The Master was reinstated after his wrongful conviction. Mayuri is alive and well. You can't convict someone of murder if the supposed victim is walking freely around. I've decided to forget the Editor exists and get on with the show."
wF: "Well this is the Waldoverse and can't be so sure... But we digress... Fact is, Waldo loves the Masta and we won't share. We wants Fugu gone! He's poison."
Master Devlin: "Tell you what. Find the bird and bring him here before Hugo, and Hugo goes..."
wF: "I'm afraid the Waldoverse court of human rights prevents that."
Master Devlin: "I hardly think Waldo follows any kind of human rights law."
wF: "We can't hand offer someone who will be facing rape and torture. Even though he is a bird. The court is a joke and we're trying to get rid if it, but there's a blockage in the form of one, Terri Coverley..."
Master Devlin: "What makes you think he'll be raped? Tortured, maybe..."
wF: "You are the Master. You raped Reg in the future timeline."
Master Devlin: "No proof."
wF: "The Masta is a poof! That's proof enough!"
Master Devlin: "See? Pathetic responses."
wF: "Regardless, we can't hand him over. You may appeal, of course. But you need to get appeal form B68745-35688346976."
Master Devlin: "He's supposed to be in jail. For war crimes. Lock him up then if you won't give him to me!"
wF: "He skated on a technicality, remember? Travers legal eagles him out of prison."
Master Devlin: "Because you guys are morons. You let a lousy disgraced goblin with a moustache get him out of prison."
wF: "We don't make the rules. Wiffuhuh is no longer emperor... Or not yet... The beaurocratic nature of the Waldoverse has worsened in the past 18 years."
Master Devlin: "You only let that stop you out of convenience. You could go get Reg right now if you chose to, but you insist on being difficult just to make my life miserable. Well, I've had enough of this! Get out."
wF: "Whatever, man..."
****
Half an hour later, Hugo returns, dragging a sack.
Master Devlin: “Ah, Hugo. You’ve brought something for me?”
The Master opens the sack.
Master Devlin: “Oh. Would you look at that… Hello, Reg.”
Reg: “Hello.”
Master Devlin: “How are you?”
Reg: “I’ve been better, thank you.”
Master Devlin: “I see. Where is the skunk?”
Reg: “I don’t know. I left the Skunkverse some time ago. It was ghastly and my ransom demands were ignored.”
Master Devlin: “I see. Waldo here claims there’s no such thing as the Skunkverse.”
Reg: “Yes, well, Mr Waldo claims many things. You know he’s not stable, right?”
Master Devlin: “Oh yes, I’m aware. So where did Hugo find you?”
Reg: “Your brute accosted me outside Turks & Tacos in Widdicombe. I was looking forward to sitting down for some Turkmexican cuisine for lunch.”
Master Devlin: “I see. I do apologise. Hugo, go fetch Reg some lunch, please.”
Hugo nods and runs out of the classroom.
Master Devlin: “Now, Reg. I have an important question and I’d like a straight answer... Is it true that Waldo was, in fact, behind the Birdonian revolution all along?”
Reg: “Yes. Mr Waldo asked me to be the head of Birdonia as the figurehead. The Administrator.”
Master Devlin: “I see… Why didn’t you say so before?”
Reg: “Master Waldo assured me it was an elaborate yet harmless prank and I was sworn to secrecy. I am but a loyal servant to the last…”
Master Devlin: “I see…”
Hugo runs in and places a bowl of bird seed down in front of Reg.
Reg: “Thank you... Then, of course, you threw me off a cliff and that led me to hold a bit of a grudge…”
Master Devlin: “Yes, well, we all do things in the heat of the moment that we regret. My quarrel with you stemmed back to the Lutin arc, but I digress… I am willing to bury the hatchet… How’s your lunch?”
Reg: “Very nice, thank you.”
Master Devlin: “So what do you say, Reg? Do we have a truce?”
Reg: “Very well.”
A drunk Stanbot 2.0 stumbles in.
Reg: “Ah… The droid...”
Stanbot 2.0: “The bird 🥴.”
Stanbot collapses.
Master Devlin: “Well, you get the idea.”
Reg: “Yes, quite.”
wF: “I'm glad we're all friends now. I forgive you too, Masta! 🙂”
Waldo goes to hug the Master. The Master holds out his hand to stop Waldo coming any closer. Everyone looks at Waldo 😒.
Master Devlin: “Why on earth are you here, Waldo?”
wF: “We lives here!” 😟
Master Devlin: “Not anymore. You are banished. Effective immediately.”
wF: “Banished?? What for??”
Master Devlin: “High crimes… Take your pick. You’ve been behind everything. Reg just sold you out.”
wF: “Is that so?? Why would you trust this fiend?? This office equipment over your own kin??”
Master Devlin: “All I know is you cannot be trusted.”
wF: “Whatever. You can’t banish Waldo from the Waldoverse! The entire ecosystem will collapse.”
Master Devlin: “Don’t care.”
wF: “Whatever, man. You need to catch us first!”
Waldo jumps through the window and scampers off.
Reg: “He does have a point, sir. Banishment may be a little extreme. There could be unforeseen consequences to the realm.”
Master Devlin: “Then what do you think we should do with him?”
Reg: “Perhaps he should just be grounded?”
Master Devlin: “Grounded, eh? What kind of grounding?!”
Reg: “Well, we discharge him of any electricity. Hopefully calm him down a bit.”
Master Devlin: “I’ve actually already tried that. Didn’t work… Maybe I’ll just feed him some butter again.”
Reg: “I wouldn’t advise it, sir. That would be cruel and unusual punishment.”
Master Devlin: “His many crimes have been cruel and unusual. He must learn.”
Reg: “Such a punishment would only be brief. If you wish to hit him in a way that hurts, I did have one thought…”
Master Devlin: “What is it?”
Reg: “Deport his wife. Send Miss Shiina back to one of the Steins;Gate timelines where she belongs…”
Master Devlin: “Hmm… That does seem cruel.”
Reg: “Actually, I think it might be what’s best for the girl, sir. Sometimes one must be cruel to be kind. What kind of life can she have here? A potential victim to his madness in waiting…”
Master Devlin: “You make a compelling point.”
Reg: “Of course there would be considerable backlash. Mayuri is widely beloved… But we must be firm.”
Master Devlin: “Very well. Make it so.”
****
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WBC NEWS: OUTRAGE GROWS FOLLOWING DEPORTATION OF MAYURI SHIINA-WALDO
Public anger continues to mount across the Waldoverse following the deportation of Mayuri Shiina-Waldo, a decision that has drawn condemnation from political, religious and civic leaders.
Crowds gathered outside administrative buildings in Widdlington overnight, with demonstrators holding placards reading “Bring Mayushii Home” and “Cruelty Is Not Justice”. Several protests have remained peaceful, though officials confirm that further demonstrations are expected throughout the week.
The Archbishop of Waldobury issued a strongly worded statement earlier today, describing the deportation as “heartless and profoundly lacking in compassion.” The Archbishop added that while the realm must uphold order, “justice without mercy is no virtue at all.”
Sources close to Widdle Frunkut, better known to many as Waldo, claim he has been left devastated by the decision. One associate told WBC News that Frunkut is “heartbroken” and has since retreated into isolation, refusing contact with allies and declining to issue any public statement.
Political figures have also entered the growing controversy. Mayor McGavin placed direct responsibility on Master Devlin during a heated press address this afternoon.
“This is all the fault of Master Devlin,” the Mayor said. “If he hadn’t sued God, then God would never have allowed this to happen. Mayushii was adorable — a national treasure. Everyone loved her. Yet another victim of the Master.”
Master Devlin has not yet responded to requests for comment.
Analysts warn that the deportation could have lasting consequences for public stability, with some suggesting that the decision risks further destabilising an already fragile political climate.
WBC News will continue to follow developments.
------------------------------
A few days later, the Master is walking across the Council grounds, wearing his slime- and blood-stained Witcher gear as he returns from a mission out in the country. Suddenly, a wild-looking Waldo appears.
wF: “Hi, Masta!”
Master Devlin: “Hello, Widdle Frunkut. You look like you could use a bath.”
wF: “We heard you were looking for the bird… Well we brought you a gift.”
Waldo reaches behind him and tosses a bound and gagged Reg on the ground.
wF: “Brought you the bird! Uh-huh, that’s right.”
Master Devlin: “Why have you done this? Is this retaliation for your wife?”
wF: “Not at all. You always say ‘bring us the bird’ so we brings the bird. Peace offering!”
Master Devlin: “Except the bird was here already. You know this. I asked you to fetch him the other day and you refused. Hugo went and got him instead.”
wF: “When?”
Master Devlin: “You are useless, Waldo... Typical workshy arsehole…”
wF: “How rude! Fine, you no wants the bird?”
Master Devlin: “Not anymore. We’ve buried the hatchet. Set him loose.”
wF: “Bury hatchet, eh? Okay!”
Waldo whips a tomahawk out of his pocket and lunges, swinging it overhead and planting it right down the middle of the bird’s skull.
Master Devlin: “…..”
Waldo lets out a mad cackle and scurries off. Stanbot appears.
Stanbot 2.0: “Oh dear… What’s happened here?”
The Master lets out a weary sigh.
Master Devlin: “Waldo happened.”
The Master inspects the carcass.
Master Devlin: “Hmm... Curious.”
Stanbot 2.0: “What is it?”
The Master lifts a wing.
Master Devlin: “His wings are made out of papier-mâché... These aren’t dictabird feathers either.”
Stanbot 2.0: Another piñata?”
Master Devlin: “I don’t think so.”
The Master examines the head more closely.
Master Devlin: “The horn is made of plastic... Wait a minute... This beak is too! Let’s see what’s under here...”
The Master lifts the cracked plastic beak slowly, for dramatic tension...
Master Devlin: “OH NO! HUGO!?”
Stanbot 2.0: “Oh dear. Your new pupil?”
The Master sighs and nods.
Master Devlin: “This is the part of the job I hate...”
The Master scoops up Hugo’s corpse and carries it to the nearest bin.
Stanbot 2.0: “My condolences, sir.”
Master Devlin: “Thank you. He lasted longer than I expected, to be fair. But it was inevitable... Anyway, clean this mess up for me, will you. I’m going on holiday.”
Stanbot 2.0: “Yes, sir.”