South

Waldo and the Master arrive at MasterBase. To the Master’s horror, they find the once-pristine platform is now a ruinous wreck. As they wander across the remains of the former nation of “Australopitheca”, they see ape bodies strewn everywhere. Some serious shit has clearly gone down. Fires still burn in scattered pockets.

wF: “It doesn’t look like anyone still lives here…”

Master Devlin: “No… Keep an eye out anyway…”

Feeling the need to add to the ambience, Waldo emits a synthesised hum from his mouth, playing the A Clockwork Orange version of Funeral for Queen Mary as they continue to explore.

They make their way up to the command deck and into the Master’s old office. There, they find the badly beaten corpse of the former president of Australopitheca, Orlando O. Chidubem.

Master Devlin: “Oh dear.”

The Master opens a window to let the stank out, then slides the former president through a porthole. He picks up the president’s barely legible diary and flips to the final pages.

wF: “What’s it say, sir?”

Master Devlin: “Civil war. No great surprise. Australopitheca was abandoned and the survivors fled to neighbouring shores, it seems. Anyway… let’s find that bird. He’s probably on his knees to whoever’s in charge now. And we need to track down Goldenstein. He has a lot to answer for.”

wF: “Where does we looks?”

Master Devlin: “I’m open to suggestions. He’s your dictabird. Where would Reg go? As for Goldenstein… we may need to be extreme. I don’t condone the hunting methods you used during your time with the Schutzstaffel in the Second World War, but they may be useful.”

wF: “Wrong. Wiffuhuh was part of the Schneefenschnitzel. Completely different.”

Master Devlin: “Close enough. Your methods were… unsound, but effective. Even the Führer said they were a bit far.”

wF: “Yes, he always was a bit soft… Anyway, Reg probably isn’t far. He’s slow and has limited mobility. Plus it’s winter. So he’s probably headed south. Why you want him anyway? He’s just a useless bird!”

Master Devlin: “Reg is utterly hopeless, but he’s a source of information. He’ll do anything if promised safe haven.”

wF: “What about the ape plague? We has the parasites.”

Master Devlin: “We’ll get to that. We need a team to synthesise it. I hoped people would still be here, but they’ve dispersed. At least the base remains. I wonder where Stanbot is.”

wF: “Who cares? Waldo is tired of searching for stuff.”

Master Devlin: “You’ve been asleep for months.”

wF: “Yes, but we hates travel. Just apologise to the Editor already. He’ll fix it right quick.”

Master Devlin: “No. The Editor is a troll. And I brought you back to assist me.”

wF: “We are! We are giving advices.”

Master Devlin: “Yes, terrible advice… Plus I suppose I only brought you back because he asked me to.”

The Editor appears beside them.

Ed: “Yes, I did. And the show has improved considerably as a result. But now you’re floundering. Apologise and I’ll remove the monkeys. I’ll even bring the bird and the rabbi here right now.”

Master Devlin: “Apologise for what? Calling you out?”

Ed: “Constant hostility. Rudeness. Accusing me of bias when I was only trying to stop you ruining everything.”

Master Devlin: “I think you should apologise to me.”

Ed: “What for?”

Master Devlin: “You destroyed my base. Took everything from me. Accused me of murdering Waldo’s wife and locked me up for eighteen years — and you expect me to apologise??”

Ed: “Yes. You were punished for disrespectful behaviour, yet you refuse to learn.”

Master Devlin: “Go fuck yourself.”

The Editor smacks the Master, sending him flying a mile out to sea before he splashes down. He then gives Waldo a lollipop and leaves.

Waldo uselessly chucks a rubber ring overboard in a futile attempt to aid the Master, who is treading water a mile away. Eventually, after finishing his lollipop, he gets the idea to get in the dinghy and row out to the Master.

Several minutes later, Waldo helps fish the Master out of the sea.

Master Devlin: "Thank you, Waldo."

wF: "You're welcome, sir! So... where to now?"

Master Devlin: "Let's go get Reg."

wF: "Ah! South!"

Master Devlin: "Yes. You may row."

Waldo rows, and soon the Master enters another fugue state.

Some time later...

wF: "Here we are, Masta! SOUTH! It's kind of chilly here..."

Waldo taps on the fugued Master, who is frozen solid.

wF: "Oh look, a signpost!"

Waldo scurries through the deep snow and pops out under the sign for a closer look. It reads: 'McMurdo Station, this way ->...'

wF: "Hmm... station, eh? Maybe we can get a train or a bus from there to Reg's house? Well, only one way to find out. That's right. Let's go, Stan..."

Waldo starts dragging the Master face-down in the snow in the direction of this "station".

After dragging the Master for many hours, they finally meet someone: a bearded man with some scientific-looking instruments.

wF: "Excuse me, sir, we are looking for a dictabird named Reg. Have you seen it?"

Ed: "Indeed. We've been expecting you..."

The man looks at the goblin and his frozen dragon-shaped luggage.

Ed: "What's with him?"

wF: "Fugue state."

Ed: "He looks like he's developing frostbite on his snout."

wF: "Yes, well, it's been dragged in the snow for some time."

Ed: "Come on, get on this snowmobile. I'll take you to the base."

The three travel to McMurdo and are brought inside a large hall. Other men are waiting with anticipation. Soon, Stanbot enters the hall from a side door and walks to the front to raise a curtain. Behind the curtain, Reg is standing—though he looks a bit different from normal.

"ALL HAIL, KING REGINALD!" the men shout.

wF: "Ah, Reg! We were hoping to find you... Good lord, man, what's happened to you? You're all muscular and veiny. Also, you appear to have grown five feet taller!"

Reg: "Nanomachines, son! Upgrades... lot of changes since we last spoke."

The hulking dictabird approaches Waldo, towering over him.

Reg: "You've got a lot of guts showing your face around here, after what you did to me..."

Waldo sinks as Reg appears to wind up to punch him, but instead suddenly laughs and embraces him.

Reg: "Widdle Frunkut, as I live and breathe. It's so good to see you, you old crook. How have you been? It's been forever!"

Waldo lets out a cautious smirk.

wF: "Yes. We recently returned from soup form. You seem to be doing... well?"

Reg: "Yes, well, I'm the administrator of this facility, but the men call me King... It's just a bit of fun. I suspected you'd find your way here eventually. You must be tired after your trip. Stanbot, get them some refreshments, please. What's wrong with the Master? Still fighting with the Editor?"

wF: "Uh-uh. But he's also in a catatonic state after being raped by a pack of Tauntauns on the way here..."

Reg: "Yes, we've had a lot of trouble with them recently. They seem to be growing in numbers—not unlike a certain prehistoric ape population, I might add. Well, why don't we get you comfortable, and we'll send the Master to the medbay to get him stitched back up."

wF: "Thank you, that would be splendid!"

------------------------------

The Master wakes up in the infirmary.

Master Devlin: "Where am I? Where are we?"

A doctor approaches.

Doctor: "Easy now."

Without hesitation, the Master grabs the doctor by the scruff.

Master Devlin: "Tell me, goddammit."

Doctor: "Uh... you're in the infirmary. At McMurdo Station. Antarctica."

Master Devlin: "Antarctica?? But how—"

Doctor: "Don't worry, you're going to be fine. You were brought here by a goblin. I think..."

The Master reaches up to his bandaged snout.

Doctor: "Though I'm afraid you suffered severe frostbite and we had to amputate your nostrils. Also, your nipples had fallen off when you arrived."

Master Devlin: "They will grow back. I am a dragon."

Doctor: "Right. Um. Of course. Also, you should know we stitched closed your rectal cavity. It's a precautionary measure. I'm afraid it was quite loose after the attack. Like a clown's pocket, ahem... one might say..."

Master Devlin: "My bottom has always been a bit loose. I do very large dumps, but what's this about an attack? What attack?"

Doctor: "I don't know all the details. I was just told by our King to fix you up and sew your ravaged bottom shut."

Master Devlin: "Of course you were... Are those the X-rays?”

Doctor: "Yes."

The Master gets up and studies the X-ray.

Master Devlin: "There's nothing wrong with my arse! I'm not a doctor, but it seems you have stitched my bottom closed and asked no questions. What kind of doctor are you?"

Doctor: "I'm a gynecologist, but I was sent here to McMurdo after a series of unfortunate misunderstandings. Anyway, as there are no women here, I'm simply the chief medical officer of this station. Furthermore, I'm an obedient and loyal doctor. I follow our King's command."

Master Devlin: "Who is your King?"

Doctor: "His royal highness, Reginald Van Der Beak. Slayer of the cosmic entity. Saviour of McMurdo."

Master Devlin: "REG! That son of a bitch. That makes a lot more sense. This is revenge, no doubt. He's still accusing me of rape—which did not occur. So now he's had me sexually assaulted by his doctor... I'm going to beat that little shit into a fine paste. Now, remove these stitches this instant."

Doctor: "I'm afraid I can't just yet, but you can take it up with the King. I was told to take you to his highness when you woke. Can you walk okay?"

Master Devlin: "Yes, I can. Let's go."

Doctor: "Here, take this hat and jacket…"

------------------------------

The doctor leads the Master outside and down the street. They pass a handful of men who stare at him with suspicion.

Master Devlin: "How many are here?"

Doctor: "A couple of hundred, give or take."

They reach a large building—much fancier than the other portacabins and warehouses.

Inside is a luxurious banquet hall. Sitting at the large table are Reg and Waldo. They are seemingly dining on the carcass of some large monstrosity. Waldo looks greener than usual, like he's going to be sick as he chews slowly. Spotting the Master, Reg stands up.

Reg: "Sup, bro! Finally awake, I see..."

Master Devlin: "Reg... you look... different."

Reg approaches the Master and starts flexing his grotesque, veiny wings. Despite being nearly seven feet tall, he's incredibly bulky.

The Master pats him like a pet.

Master Devlin: "I see you've turned into a roided-out jock."

Reg: "Nanomachines, son!"

Master Devlin: "Don't son me. Remember who you're talking to."

Reg: "Alright. No need to get uptight. We're old friends here. How about some lunch?"

Reg slaps some slimy goop on a plate as the Master sits down. The Master stares at the plate of pulsating, wriggling flesh full of eyes and tentacles.

Master Devlin: "Good Lord. What is this?"

Reg: "We had a run-in with some cosmic horror recently. Long story short, we found an ancient city with a frozen extraterrestrial inside. It woke up, made a bunch of men explode, and some went insane... Then I killed it. And now I'm King... Two months later, we're still eating it..."

Master Devlin: "I see. So what now? You just sit around eating space squid and playing King?"

Reg: "Pretty much. We do things differently here in the south. We're more laid-back. Anyway, eat up, bro. Your food's getting cold."

Master Devlin: "Not to be rude, but that looks and smells terrible. The kind of thing a bird would peck at the side of the road. Is that why there were so many in the infirmary with food poisoning?"

Reg: "Probably. Can't let good meat go to waste around here, though."

Master Devlin: "I see. No matter. We came south looking for you. But obviously I didn't expect this far south... I take it the ape infestation hasn't come here yet?"

Reg: "No. Too cold, I expect. Anyway, why did you wish to see me? I'm afraid I will no longer be working for you... I have evolved beyond that. And by the way, Stanbot's with me now. We're bros. Lovers, actually. Of course, he's the bottom. Naturally."

Master Devlin: "Yes, well, your affairs are your business... I came to ask what happened to Masterbase."

Reg: "I explained before, bro. Goldenstein. He brought in all the diversity, immigration, etc., so we bailed."

Master Devlin: "Where is he? We turned up and the place was deserted. Bodies, etc. Lead ape rotting on my desk."

Reg: "Perhaps you should ask Waldo where he is?"

Master Devlin: "I did. We ended up here."

Reg: "Huh... Did you search him?"

Master Devlin: "No, I... Waldo?"

wF: "Yes, sir?"

Master Devlin: "Turn out your pockets, please."

wF: ...

Master Devlin: "Waldo?" 😠

Reg: "For goodness sake..."

Reg grabs Waldo, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him violently. Assorted items fall out.

Reg: "Thought so..."

Among the items, Reg singles a few out and separates them from the rest with his wing.

Reg: "Let's see now... Yamaka... fake nose... beard... Star of David... There's your jew, bro..."

The Master looks at the vacant-looking goblin, whose brains seem to be leaking out of his ears. Behind them, Ed stands at the back of the hall, arms folded.

Ed: "Tried to tell you..."

wF: 🥴

Master Devlin: "But... but Waldo was in a jar when Goldenstein was there..."

Ed: "Urine..."

Master Devlin: "But it was thick goo!"

Reg looks around, confused, wondering who the Master is talking to.

Ed: "Exactly. You snatched a jar of old goblin urine from the skunk camp."

Master Devlin: 😤

The Master, in a fury, charges over to Waldo, pulls his trusty retractable shovel out of his pocket, and violently strikes him, sending him flying across the hall and splatting against the wall. After a few seconds, the Master takes a deep breath.

Master Devlin: "I don't know whether to believe any of you... You could have planted that, Reg. But also, this is in Waldo's nature—to have the Master running on a wild goose chase. So who knows? Regardless... I'm leaving now."

Master Devlin: "Reg, you had my anus stitched shut and I don't know why."

Waldo quickly reforms and runs up after the Master.

wF: "Where we go now?"

Master Devlin: "Not this time, Waldo."

wF: "Why??"

Master Devlin: "You have betrayed me for the last time."

wF: "No we didnts. Reg shakes us. Then you hits us's. Why? You wanted to go south to see Reg. We brings you south! Waldo not understanding why you mad..." 🥺😢

Master Devlin: "Don't care. I'm done, Waldo."

wF: "But we never done nothing. What about the parasites?"

Master Devlin: "I don't care anymore. Let them take over."

The Master stops as he sees a withered Stanbot walk in.

Master Devlin: "Good lord, man. What's happened to you?"

Stanbot: "Reg, sir. He's punished me now that he's King. Abused me."

The Master turns to Reg.

Master Devlin: "What have you done to him?"

Reg: "Bot broke him. He had to be punished for his treachery."

Master Devlin: "What treachery?"

Reg: "Meh, I forget..."

Master Devlin: "You are out of control, Reg. You lost your mind a long time ago. Accusing people of treachery, rape, assault."

Reg: "And yet, I'm King, and you're the former leader of a failed ape island."

Master Devlin: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Reg bursts into a roid rage and rips off his own beak.

Reg: "You wanna go, bro??"

Master Devlin: "Take it out on Waldo."

wF: "Why? We never done nothin'."

Master Devlin: "Come on, Stanbot. We are leaving."

The Master starts walking away with Stanbot.

Reg: "Pussy! Fine, go off and sulk. Can't believe you fell for that whole bit about blaming Waldo for everything..."

wF: "See! We's innocent!"

Master Devlin: "Whatever. I'm just done... I used to be a teacher! Yet I'm clawing through a dystopian Waldoverse... I shouldn't have to deal with this shit. Well, no more... Goodbye, Reg. Waldo..."

Reg: "I don't think so... GUARDS!"

Master Devlin: "Guards? What guards? This is a science outpost..."

A dozen men rush in with shotguns and aim at the Master.

Reg: "It was. Now it is the Kingdom of Birdonia. For real this time."

Master Devlin: "What do you want, Reg? I'm not challenging you. I'm just leaving."

Reg: "I want you to stay a while."

Master Devlin: "I don't."

Reg: "Well, I'm King, and I do... You amuse me."

Master Devlin: "King of a bunch of scientists? They are probably just entertained by a talking bird."

Reg grabs the Master and uses his roid strength to squeeze him into an accordion. He proceeds to play a tune.

Reg: "You make a good instrument."

The Master jabs a needle into Reg.

Reg: "Pffft. Pathetic."

Reg throws the Master to the guards.

Reg: "Lock him up... And tell the doctor to stitch his arse up tighter."

Master Devlin: "You might want to keep your doctor free. Just a little advice."

Reg: "I don't need no doctor. I'm peak physical perfection, bro. And you're just purple trash. Take him away! And throw the goblin in the cell with him... As for you, Stanbot... you will join me in my chamber. I need to teach you some loyalty."

Stanbot: "Please, sir, I had a severe coolant leak last time you—"

Reg: "Silence, bitch. You speak when spoken to..."