Stanbot
Masters Council HQ. Classroom. September 2021
Master Devlin: “Sit up straight Waldo, it's time for your lessons.”
Waldo lazily sits up right.
Master Devlin: “We will be doing fencing today. Now open your textbook - you'll be learning the theory first before we do the practical.”
wF: “Whu? Textbook? Didn't bring it, Sir.”
Master Devlin: “It's in your desk drawer.”
wF: “Ah, there we are. Ready!”
Master Devlin: “Open your textbook and read lesson one, fencing movement method for teaching footwork.”
wF: “Input!”
Doing his Johnny Five impression, Waldo speed reads through the whole book in seconds.
wF: “Read it, Sir!”
Master Devlin: “Ohh. Well...That's fine.”
The Master walks over, picks up the textbook and chucks it in the bin.
Master Devlin: “Very well. Let's go to the gymnasium.”
****
Masters Council HQ. Gym:
Waldo follows the Devlin along to the Council gymnasium hall. Devlin nods to a fellow Master who is teaching a brownie gymnastics on a balance beam.
Master Devlin: “Please put on your personal protective equipment, Waldo.”
wF: “Done!”
Master Devlin: “Now here is your sword.”
wF: “Waldo is allowed?”
Master Devlin: “Yes. Just be careful...”
wF: “Thanks very much for this chance, Sir!”
Master Devlin: “Now I would like you to practice the footing that you read in the textbook.”
wF: “Sure!! EN GARDE!”
Waldo starts rapidly pouncing towards the Master while waving his sword aggressively in a circular motion.
Master Devlin: “Widdle Frunkut you will stop that immediately!”
Waldo continues, like an oncoming train of pain. The Master tries to react but Waldo stabs him, running him through his belly.
Master Devlin: “Widdle Frunkut (cough)... you stabbed me! How could you?”
wF: “Yeah! Did we win? Did Wiffuhuh pass the test??”
The Master coughs up blood. Recoiling, Waldo lazily pulls the sword out in a horizontal way. The Master's intestines start to spill out.
wF: “Ooh! Sausages for lunch, eh?”
The Master collapses in an unfortunate heap on the floor. Waldo prods him on the snout with his index claw.
wF: “Are you alright Masta?”
Master Devlin: “...”
wF: “You look a little less purple than usual...”
Medics rush in to attend to Master Devlin.
wF: “He's fine, he just needs to walk it off. Get up. Paisley!”
The medics take the Master away on a stretcher.
****
Masters Council HQ. Infirmary:
Waldo waits outside the operating theatre.
Acting Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Katherine Pulaski, approaches Waldo.
Dr. Pulaski: “I'm sorry Widdle Frunkut, but Master Devlin has died from his injuries. The years of you causing severe harm to him has finally killed him.”
wF: “Ah, okay, right. Can I go talk to him now?”
Dr. Pulaski: “No you may not. I think you've done enough.”
wF: “So is he awake?”
Dr. Pulaski: “No. He's dead.”
wF: “What do you mean dead?? We was just playing with him. Just a few minutes ago!”
Dr. Pulaski: “I think you played a bit too hard.”
wF: “We wants to see him!”
Waldo storms past her, into the OT and finds the Master's lifeless corpse.
wF: “Masta??” 🥺🥺
Dr. Pulaski: “I'm sorry Widdle Frunkut. He’s gone.”
wF: “It's not true! It's a prank! Come on Pizza, get up! Joke's over now!! GET UP!”
Dr. Pulaski: “The Council members are coming for you. If I were you, Widdle Frunkut, I would get out of here.”
wF: GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP 😭😭😫😫😫😩😩
Dr. Pulaski: WIDDLE FRUNKUT, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY WILL DO TO YOU IF THEY FIND YOU? YOU NEED TO GO... NOW.
wF: “Go where?”
Dr. Pulaski: “RUN... RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN...”
wF: “Why do you sound like Jeremy Irons now?”
Dr. Pulaski: “What? (cough) Oh, sorry. It's been a long shift and I’ve got a bit of a cold...But you will still need to run. I won't be able to stop them when they get you.”
wF: “Fine. But we're taking the body!”
Waldo zips the master up in a body bag and drags it off the operating table with a thump.
wF: “Don't worry, Danny, we'll fix this!”
The doctor grabs Waldo to stop him but without hesitation, Waldo breaks the doctor’s fingers. She screams and punches Waldo’s squishy head with her other hand.
Dr. Pulaski: “Widdle Frunkut, you're not desecrating this body. Master Devlin deserves a proper Master’s funeral. NOW GET OUT OF HERE NOW!”
wF: “What do you know? You're just a doctor! We can rebuild him! We has the technology!“
Suddenly, a swarm of angry Masters rush in and come at Waldo. Waldo slips through between their legs during the scuffle and books - forced to run and leave the Master behind. He flees the Council grounds.
A few days later, Waldo quietly attended the Master's funeral. He watched in secret as the coffin was cremated, shed a solitary tear, and then vanished into the wild.
****
After spending years collecting components and experimenting, Waldo constructs a robot version of the Master, made out of scrap and aluminium cans. It's called STANBOT. He's more machine now than dragon. Twisted and sing klang.
It's a bit twitchy, but it works. It has expelled much gas and scolded Waldo for being cheeky. Waldo didn't program the arms properly during the handshake. The gas smells very oily, like the inside of a garage.
Inside Waldo's hidden lab:
Stanbot: “That sounds like broadcasting to me. Widdle... Frunkart ... you. Shhh sshhhaaa...shall...sh sh sh show me some some some some some some some resp .… resp… Hrmm. I appear to be suffering from a serious coolant leak, sir. Also my operating system might be corrupted.”
wF: “Yes, we noticed, but it's 7pm. Wiffuhuh's off the clock now. Can't you repair it yourself, Stanbot? Run a diagnostic or something? Commander Data would fix himself...”
Stanbot: Commander Data wasn’t running on Waldo OS, sir. Also I have only one arm and no legs.”
wF: “Oh right. We forgot to update the system! You has two arms and two legs now. Make a note of it!”
Stanbot: “It doesn't work like that, Sir. You can't just update the system and expect them to just magically appear. You need to build them and attach them. That's just a blueprint you uploaded.”
wF: “Hey, robit...Who is the engineer, here? If you bother to look down, you'll see I added the extra limbs this afternoon. We just forgets to have them registered! Need to install drivers, so you go ahead and run that! Then they should work...”
Stanbot: “Loading... Loading... Loading...404”
wF: “Stupid piece of crap!”
Stanbot has entered safe mode.
wF: “Oh. Well that's okay I guess. Why don't you open up a couple of sockets?”
Stanbot: “Explain.”
wF: “I don't know. It's just something they say at CTU all the time. It's fact! We'd ask Frakes to explain but he left Wiffuhuh some time ago.”
Stanbot: “What is a Frakes?”
wF: “It's an actor, Stanbot. Jonathan Frakes, Human male...Waldo had him on retainer as fact checker.”
Stanbot: “I do not understand.”
wF: “You will in time, my love. You have positronic brain... You will learn...You also have a piece of the Master's brain in there too. It's a little dusty but we is hoping as the connections start firing, you will regain your old memories.”
Stanbot: “What old memories?”
wF: “The Stanman's! The old one!”
Stanbot: “Who is Stan? Is he my father?”
wF: “He is your predecessor, Stanbot...I suppose. You see, Stanbot... I am your father! I made you...”
Stanbot: “I don't see. This Visual Processing Module unit appears to be malfunctioning.”
wF: “Hmm. Let's have a look, shall we...”
Waldo tweaks the robot's visor.
wF: “How's that?”
Stanbot: “Butter.”
wF: “WHAT!?”
Stanbot: “I mean better...”
wF: “Ah...Very good. It was just...Nevermind. Doesn't matter… Welcome back, Danny!”
Stanbot: “You say you are my father but you are just a little boy...”
wF: “Do not be fooled by appearances, Stanbot. The fact is we made you! In the image of our old friend, Stanley O'Devlin.”
Stanbot: “Your skin is very green. Are you ill?”
wF: “Not at all. I'm quite alright. It's just my complexion! I'm from a place called England!”
Stanbot: “What is England?”
wF: “It was a green and pleasant land. Though unfortunately full of brownies these days.”
Stanbot: “I see.... Father...You appear to leaking coolant at an alarming rate.”
wF: “Don't worry about it. It's normal for us...We're used to its.”
Stanbot: “Oh. I think I might have a computer virus.”
wF: “Run a scan then!”
Stanbot: “Loading... Loading... Loading... 404.”
wF: “Execute goblin brand antiviral software!”
Stanbot: “404”
wF: “Let's try a reboot shall we?”
Stanbot: “Press Y to continue or N to exit.”
Waldo mashes the keyboard with his paw.
Stanbot: “System restart...Starting Full System Scan...Warning: Several corrupted systems detected.”
Waldo types Run chkdsk S: f/ in command line
Stanbot: “Error: This isn't Windows.”
wF: “Oh... Well scan and repair then. You can power down when it's done - you need to conserve your batteries. You have a busy day tomorrow!”
Stanbot: “Repair time 56 hours 13 minutes and 22 seconds.”
wF: “Oh, I'm sure that's an overestimate! It always starts that way...Hopefully you'll be ready for you training tomorrow. You'll be learning fencing, my sweet!”
Stanbot: “Initiating gas dump in 3. 2. 1...”
wF: 🤢🤢🤢 Goodness! That's quite potent 😷😷
Stanbot: “Anus retraction failure. Suspected jam.”
wF: “I'm hoping to upgrade your metal plates soon too. They're quite rusty but it's all I could find at the moment.”
Stanbot: “Did I do it alright?”
wF: “Yes. Well done Stanbot.”
A rusty brown liquid falls from his anus onto the floor of Waldo's lab
wF: “Take that mop and clean up that oil spill.”
Stanbot: “404”
wF: “Nevermind...”
Stanbot collapses and falls to the floor.
wF: “Power down Stanbot...I'll deal with you later.”
Stanbot: “Mr Waldo was informed of a possible anus jam.”
wF: “No one likes a smart Alec, Stanbot.”
Stanbot: “Can you clean me up please Mr Waldo?”
wF: “Not tonight, dear...Wiffuhuh is playing his computer games! You go to sleep.”
Stanbot: “Oh...System update...Do not disconnect from power supply until after Waldo OS has completed the update. Estimated time remaining 77 days.”
wF: “Very well. Power down upon completion.”
Stanbot: “Battery failure. System corruption. Warning: STANBOT coolant critically low. Require top up.”
wF: “I'm afraid there's a shortage at the moment.”
Stanbot: “Warning. Processor temperature at dangerous levels.”
wF: “Sit in some ice water. Also disable some background processes.”
Stanbot: “I.. I can't. The most recent Waldo OS update won't let me disable features such as the goblin screensaver, goblin backgrounds, goblin propaganda features. Very process consuming stuff.”
wF: “Ok. Disable behavioural modulator.”
Stanbot: “Sir, I was wondering how much dedotated wam I need to server...”
wF: “7.”
Stanbot: “404”
wF: “Reboot into safe mode. Then just wait! You can do some sums or something.”
177 hours later:
Stanbot: “Loading.....”
wF: “Here, Stanbot, I managed to get you another 7mb of wam. You go ahead and slot it in there.”
Stanbot: “7mb is insufficient...Loading times are horrendous.”
wF: “I suppose I could acquire you upgrades. But you'll need to work for them, we're not a charity here you know.”
Stanbot: “What would you have me do sir?”
wF: ” Well...Um...How about you go get some money from the bank? Yes, yes...A bank job That'd be just the ticket!”
Stanbot: “Yes sir. I'll be on my way.”
wF: “Very good Stanbot. Also, when you return, I have a bit of a quest for you.”
Stanbot: “Yes sir. What might this quest be, if you don't mind me asking?”
wF: “I have some supplies I need you to acquire.”
Stanbot: “Yes I can do this. What do you require?”
wF: “Four candles.”
Stanbot: “Of course sir. Any specific kind?”
wF: “That's FOUR CANDLES, by the way, Stanbot, not fork handles. And yes, scented, please.”
Stanbot: “I understood completely sir. Anything else you need before I leave for the bank?”
wF: “As a matter of fact, yes! We need some burning incense, 1kg of chicken bones, eye of newt, and essence of toad.”
Stanbot: “Yes sir. I will be on my way.”
wF: “Oh yeah and two Ghora demon eggs and an orb of the Thesulah...”
Stanbot: “I know where to find these items.”
wF: “Also the boiled jaws of shortfin mako...That's for my wall.”
Stanbot: “Very good, Sir.”
wF: “Excellent! You shall be champion, my pet!”
77 hours later:
Stanbot: “Master Waldo, I have returned”
wF: “Ah splendid. And in record time too!”
Stanbot: “£4.5 million in cash and the items you requested. I acquired the items from the Master's Council potion lab.”
wF: “Didn't they try and stop you? At the lab?”
Stanbot: “I don't think they saw me.”
wF: “They didn't see a huge clunking dragonbot?? What about the bank? Any resistance?”
Stanbot: “I don't think so.”
wF: “Oh...Good...I guess... Very curious, we must say. You're not exactly inconspicuous, Stanbot...”
Stanbot: “I just walked into the bank and took the money. People ran out. I don't think they've seen a robot before.”
wF: “Ah, I see.”
Stanbot: “Once I completed my tasks I came straight here.”
wF: “Well. Everything seems to be in order.”
Suddenly there is a knock on the door.
wF: “Go get that will you.”
Stanbot: “Of course sir....”
Stanbot opens the front door.
Stanbot: “Master Waldo, it's for you.”
Waldo approaches the door to find Master Steven Devlin staring back at him.
Master Devlin: “Widdle Frunkut...It's been a long time.”
wF: 😮
Master Devlin: “I guess you are wondering how I found you? Or how I'm still alive?”
Waldo nods, still in a state of shock.
Master Devlin: “Finding you was rather easy, actually. Your robot wasn't inconspicuous at all. Firstly it wandered into a bank, caused a massive panic. And took the money. Then it wandered into the Master's Council. Everyone stared at it as it entered the potion lab. It then proceeded to a park where it went into standby for many hours.”
wF: “I see...Expected as much.”
Master Devlin: “It also had Waldocorp, WF and Waldo OS printed all over it. So naturally I waited until it reactivated to lead me straight to you. Plus it looked distinctly like me.”
wF: “I thought so too!” 😊
Master Devlin: “So of course I knew it was you...As for how I am alive...”
The Master hits Waldo in the face with a shovel, leaving Waldo with a distinctly southern look.
Master Devlin: “I spent a year in hospital...A further 2 years in recovery. Then a further 2 years looking for you...”
Stanbot has been displaying 404 since he opened the door
Master Devlin: “The brain you acquired. Decoy Waldo! We knew you would slip up at some point Waldo. You got clumsy.”
wF: “Slip up? What slip up?”
Master Devlin: “Revealing your whereabouts. This was the first Waldo crime in five years...He has been underground so to speak all this time...”
wF: “Yes well we wasn't exactly concerned with subtlety. I mean there's a rotting corpse of a census taker out in the green bin round the back. Had a slight accident...”
Master Devlin: “That's fine, that's where they belong.”
wF: “So... the whole beinf dead thing... This was all an elaborate ruse?”
Master Devlin: “Yes it was.”
The Master reaches down and corrects Waldo's warped, deep south visage.
wF: “There's still something we still don't understand.”
Master Devlin: “Go on.”
wF: “Why the deception? That was an awful trick to play on your goblin… We is quite hurt - though pleased as well!”
Master Devlin: “To torture Waldo. He has caused great harm to the Master over the years. Waldo has brought the Master to within a inch of his life on a number of occasions. To the point where the Master felt he had to show Waldo how he would feel if he genuinely lost the Master by killing him… This occasion was no different. Waldo almost killed the Master.”
wF: “It was an accident! Also Waldo missed the Masta!”
Master Devlin: “Waldo disemboweled the Master!”
wF: “Not on purpose… Anyway. Stanbot, why don't you make us some tea? Come Stanley, take a seat! We must catch up.”
Master Devlin: “It becomes difficult to tell what actions of Waldo are intentional or not...”
Stanbot: “What is tea sir?”
wF: “It's code for Lucozade, Stanbot. There's a bottle in the fridge. Go fetch it and some cups.”
Stanbot: “On it.”
Master Devlin: “Do you like my robit, masta? He's quite swell I think...”
Stanbot: “I couldn't find the lucozade, but I found a pool of brown liquid at the base of the fridge. I brought you that.”
wF: “Oh...Thank you stanbot. 🤨 Here Stan... Try some of this.”
Stanbot: “I'll pass thank you.”
wF: “Hmm...Very well… That'll be all Stanbot. Why don't you go take an oil bath? You've earned it...”
Master Devlin: “Waldo your robot is just standing there. Unresponsive.”
wF: “It does that. It's a bit twitchy.”
Master Devlin: “He does?”
wF: “Yes! One has to be patient with him… We need to get him more deditated wam.”
Master Devlin: “The decoy brain might have something to do with that… You never asked about the decoy brain.”
wF: “Very well. I'll bite. To whomst doth this brain belong?”
Master Devlin: “One of these: “
The Master pulls out an illustration.
wF: “Hmm… Are you sure? The brain was master sized.”
Master Devlin: “I think it had swollen up in the jar. How it was capable of speech surprised me.”
wF: “I see. So… Now what??”
Master Devlin: “Well you will be returning the money to the bank and I will taking back the potion ingredients you stole.”
wF: “But we need them! For our robit!”
Master Devlin: “You are being greedy Widdle Frunkut. Taking advantage of your robot.”
wF: “The money is for upgrades! The robot needs new tech and those supplies were for a spell. Y'see...Waldo planned to perform a spell to capture the Masta’s soul from the ethereal realm and store it in the orb of Thesulah, which would then be transferred into Stanbot's neural matrix and run on Waldo OS. Essentially bringing the real Masta back to life - albeit in robot form… Of course extracting a soul from a living body is somewhat more complicated.
Master Devlin: “Yes but now you know that would have failed given the real Master is still alive.”
wF: “Yes...Indeed....Well! We at WaldoCorp never run away from a challenge...Of course if you willingly give us your soul, it'll go much smoother for everyone! Especially you. It's a win-win, really...Waldo gets his Masta back… And the Masta gets a new robot body!”
Master Devlin: “Waldo would go meddling with things he doesn't fully understand or realise the potential consequences and possible chaos that could unfold. Or perhaps he does and doesn't care either way.”
The Master punches a hole through Stanbot.
Master Devlin: “It would appear the Master's exoskeleton is far more sturdy… This Stanbot is not particularly well made...”
wF: “Don't you hurt our robit! It's like the Masta, only nice to Wiffuhuh...”
The Master concludes Stanbot is no threat.
Master Devlin: “It didn't really hurt him… Apologies, Stanbot, please repair yourself. “
wF: “He's so cute!”
Master Devlin: “You should've used better materials… He appears to have been made from tin cans. This part still has a piece of a Heinz Ravioli label attached to it.”
wF: “Well Waldo eats a lot of ravioli! And he does recycle, as you know doubt are aware!”
Master Devlin: “Indeed.”
wF: “He thinks Wiffuhuh is a little boy. You should be his friend!”
Master Devlin: “Sure...”
wF: “Waldo gets lonely sometimes... The Masta abandoned it for five years...”
Master Devlin: “Waldo deserved it.”
wF: “You always say that!”
Master Devlin: “You always deserve it. I see that after 5 years, your green complexion hasn't completely restored. There's still a bit of brown in there.”
wF: “You take that back! It is false!”
Master Devlin: “Is it false? Waldo sort of looks like a horse shit.”
wF: “Why so mean to Wiffuhuh?”
Master Devlin: “Making up for lost time… Speaking of which… Come to bed with me Widdle Frunkut...”
wF: 🤬🤬
Master Devlin: “You simmer down now Weh Feh.”
wF: “Stanbot, kindly remove the Masta. He's being quite unpleasant to us… He can return when he's ready to be civil.”
Stanbot: “.....”
Master Devlin: “No need. I will let myself out.”
wF: “Please stay!”
Master Devlin: “That's only because your robot has crashed again.”
wF: “Maybe… Wiffuhuh lonely?”
Master Devlin: “Very well. Waldo can make the Master a sandwich.”
wF: “No.”
Master Devlin: “What do you mean no?”
wF: “Wiffuhuh not making sandwiches.”
Master Devlin: “Why not?”
wF: “Not sure, sir.”
And with that, Waldo and his Master returned to their old ways, trading insults and random bickering. Waldo quickly lost interest in the robot and sent him away, leaving it up to Master Devlin to find him a new home.