The Waldo Corp Coup
The following takes place following: George
The Waldopolis Chronicle office was buzzing with its usual chaos—phones ringing, keyboards clacking—when Waldo burst in, proudly holding a slightly bewildered Dr. Shawn by the hand.
wF: “Good news, everyone! Wiffuhuh has an announcement to make! Dr. Shawn has agreed to become my bride!”
Ermintrude clapped excitedly. Brian looked up, baffled.
Ermintrude: “Congratulations! What wonderful news!”
Brian: “Wait, what? Since when? Dr. Shawn, are you okay with this?”
Dr. Shawn: “It… took me by surprise. Waldo was quite insistent. I’m still processing it.”
Brian: “But isn’t he your patient?”
Suddenly, the doors swung open. Seven of Nine strode inside, her usually aloof demeanor replaced by fury.
Seven of Nine: “Widdle Frunkut! Explain this treachery immediately!”
The room froze.
wF: “Oh, uh, hi Seven lady… What seems to be the trouble?”
Seven of Nine: “I intercepted a subspace transmission claiming you are to be wed to Dr. Linda Shawn. Explain!”
wF: “Well, you see…”
Seven of Nine: “I am a superior fiancée in every measurable way to this… inferior unit!”
Dr. Shawn: “Excuse me?”
Seven of Nine: “You’re excused! I possess unparalleled intellect, physical perfection, and optimisation. How does this individual compare? Her bust is 17% smaller, and her waistline is 22% less efficient…”
Dr. Shawn: “Who do you think you are?”
Seven of Nine: “I am Seven-of-Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One and Widdle Frunkut’s betrothed. In addition to my physical superiority, I possess intellectual capacity 42% greater than yours, supported by countless civilisations’ data. Your contributions to behavioural science are noted, but insignificant compared to my assimilation of entire civilisations’ knowledge. Furthermore, your attire is completely inefficient. My wardrobe is optimised for both aesthetic appeal and function.”
wF: “Ah, well, you see, Seven, Wiffuhuh’s heart is vast and generous. There’s more than enough room…”
Seven of Nine: “Insufficient explanation. Terminate this engagement immediately!”
Dr. Shawn: “Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure why I agreed in the first place… I don’t know what came over me…”
Seven of Nine: “See! She is emotionally compromised. I, however, maintain perfect composure under all conditions.”
Dr. Shawn: “And yet you stormed in here, your face flushed with anger and began spouting off statistics.”
Seven of Nine: “Do you intend to challenge me?? Because I warn you that I—”
wF: “Now, now, ladies, there’s no need to fight over Wiffuhuh. Plenty of us to go around.”
Seven of Nine and Dr. Shawn (in unison): “Silence, Waldo!”
After a tense beat, Seven glared at them both with disdain.
Seven of Nine: “This is unacceptable. You will regret this.”
She turned and stormed out of the office building—passing Master Devlin and Travers, who were just then pulling up in the truck carrying the shark tank.
Travers: “Hey isn’t that the charity shop lady?”
Master Devlin: “Indeed. Come on. We have an engagement to break.”
The two headed upstairs and were greeted by a surprised Ermintrude. They passed into Travers’ office—only to find it green, slimy, and drastically transformed. A giant throne sat where Travers’ desk once did. Travers went rigid with fury.
wF: “Hello, men! Welcome to Wiffuhuh’s newspaper!”
Travers: “Wally, what the hell have you done to my office??”
wF: “We improved it! It’s now 7% more comfortable! Also it’s Wiffuhuh’s office now!”
Travers: “I left Ermintrude in charge!”
wF: “Yeah but she’s just a broad. She don’t count.”
Master Devlin: “Are you going to stand for this, Travers? He is speaking out of turn.”
Travers: “Wally… This is unacceptable!”
wF: “So’s your face with that roadkill critter mounted on your upper lip.”
Travers gasped in shock and outrage.
Travers: “How dare you??”
Waldo produced official documentation showing that he was now the Editor-in-Chief, signed by the board.
wF: “See. It’s all official like. Now take a hike, Traversman… Wiffuhuh’s running things now… Kyle, show Mr Travers to his new desk… You’re on sports… Pasta, you can still be deputy…”
Master Devlin: “Ohh… ummm… thank you Widdle Frunkut. Can I have a raise?”
Travers twitched in fury.
wF: “Sure, why not! Ermintrude, give Masta a raise. In facts, you can all has raises… Except Travers. He’s on sports. Besides, there’s no point, the government will take it from him anywayz. Traverses can work for room and board…”
The office erupted in celebration at the prospect of raises. The coup had clearly succeeded.
Travers: “But… but I don’t know anything about sportsball!”
wF: “You’ll learn. Or don’t—who cares? Oh, and don’t worry Travers man… the boobie girls can stay. In fact they get a raise too!”
Travers: “Master Devlin, do something! He’s speaking out of turn! He’s forgotten his station. Tell him!”
Master Devlin: “Oh fine… Come here Widdle Frunkut!”
Waldo immediately leapt onto the ceiling and scurried around like Kif from Futurama.
Master Devlin: “Ohhh… it’s useless. I’m sorry, Travers.”
At that moment, two stern, Gestapo-looking officers entered.
Officer: “Harris Travers?
Travers: “WHAT??”
Officer: “I’m arresting you for contempt of court… you do not have to say anything…”
Master Devlin: “Contempt of court?”
Officer 2: “Failing to attend a court summons…”
Travers: “But… This isn’t fair! This is out of turn!!” 🤬
wF: “Gee, too bad, Travers man… we’d like to help you out but maybe you shouldn’t have stolen Mayuri from us… ha ha ha… Ah… the sweet taste of belated revenge…”
Travers: “I’m going to get you for this, Wally. You treacherous swine! And you, Master Devlin, I told you we shouldn’t have come back so soon! Why did you make me?!”
Master Devlin: “Don’t put the blame on me, Travers. I warned you… It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry. We’ll sort this out.”
Travers was taken away by the officers.
wF: “Alright people… this isn’t The Spectator. Back to work!”
Everyone returned to their desks. Waldo pressed play on his boombox and starts blasting Afrika Bambaataa & The Soul Sonic Force.
After a few seconds, a weary Samuel Waldo emerged from the Master’s office.
Samuel: “Widdle Frunkut, I implore you to turn down that awful black music… I can hardly hear myself think… let alone write…”
wF: “I don’t give a crap, Sammy! You work for Wiffuhuh now. You will accept the work environment conditions I set out! Now get back to work… I want the January issue of Goblins Illustrated on my desk tomorrow morning…”
Samuel: “Yes sir…” 😔
The Master pulled Ermintrude aside.
Master Devlin: “How did this happen? He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
Ermintrude: “No, nothing like that. I’m sorry, there was nothing I could do. You see, he disguised himself as Mr. Travers and then went to the board and told them to put Wally Walchak in charge instead…”
Master Devlin: “Oh? Hmm. I must say… that is rather brilliant.”
Ermintrude: “Yes, it was a very convincing impersonation. Even I believed it at first.”
Master Devlin: “And Samuel? What’s he doing here?”
Ermintrude: “Waldo decided to use the GB Media building for some other purpose and has brought Samuel and a few of the staff of Goblins Illustrated and Goblin Renaissance into this building, and fired the rest.”
Master Devlin: “I see… Well. We can sort this out later, but right now I’d better go find out what’s happening with Travers.”
The Waldoverse continues in Travers: Rock Bottom Redux