Bad Bird Blackmail
The following takes place following: Little Devil
Back at the Ogle Office, President Travers is doodling naked ladies on his official Waldhouse stationery and chuckling to himself as Ermintrude briefs him on the mean things the press are saying about him.
Suddenly, the room darkens as a large shadow looms over the window. Ermintrude gasps as Master Devlin crashes through the main window, landing heavily behind Travers’ chair. The Master rises, his imposing figure looming over the little goblin’s presidential seat.
Travers, so accustomed to dragons crashing through his office windows, barely reacts to the noise. Only when the light on his doodles is obscured — and when he notices Ermintrude’s expression — does he turn. He swivels around and looks up, confronted by the Master’s vengeful glare.
Travers: “Oh, hey, Master Devlin… Welcome back!”
Suddenly, the Secret Service agents burst in…
Agent Mathers: “Mr President, are you alright?”
Travers: “Don’t worry, Mitch. It’s just Master Devlin. I still haven’t trained him to use the doors yet… Ermintrude, get the joiner in here, will you?”
Mathers nods and holsters his Uzi.
Master Devlin: “I wish to speak to the President alone. NOW.”
All eyes turn to Travers, who nods nervously. The agents and Ermintrude shuffle out, closing the door behind them.
The Master seises Travers by the scruff, lifting him to eye level. He stares silently for a moment, his piercing gaze narrowing with barely restrained fury. Travers squirms, wriggling like a cat before finally settling.
Travers: “So… uh… how was your trip? Did you find Wally? You look a little perturbed…”
Master Devlin: “You could say that… I’ve been hearing very concerning things about this administration. Let’s just say a little bird told me you’ve taken on some new advisers in my absence.”
Travers: “Oh… you heard about that, huh? Well, Master Devlin, you see…”
The Master exhales sharply, fighting the urge to smash something.
Master Devlin: “Y’know, Travers… as Widdle Frunkut’s long-suffering Master, I’ve endured many betrayals… but THIS?”
Travers: “N-N-Now, Master Devlin, don’t get all bent out of shape. It’s not what you think…”
Master Devlin: “Not what I think? So you didn’t pardon Reg and bring him on as an adviser?”
Travers: “Well… um… I mean, I—”
Master Devlin: “REG FUCKING VAN DER BEAK? TRAVERS! HOW COULD YOU? MY SWORN ENEMY!”
Travers: “It’s not my fault, Master Devlin! I didn’t want to! They made me do it! Honest!”
Master Devlin: “How? You’re the President! Only you could pardon him. Why did you do this? What’s with all this bird-lobby bullshit? Have you learned nothing from the vampire incident?”
Travers: “I know, but it’s not that simple…”
Master Devlin: “Explain.”
Travers: “Well… look, it’s not a big deal. I’ve got it under control. I’m just biding time, see, until I can manoeuvre all the pieces and strategise… and whatnot—”
Master Devlin: “GET TO THE POINT, TRAVERS!”
Travers: “Alright, alright… Let’s just say Travers is the victim of a slight case of blackmail…”
Master Devlin: “BLACKMAIL? You’re a walking clusterfuck, Travers, stumbling from one scandal to another, and yet you somehow won a landslide victory. What could YOU possibly be afraid of getting out?”
Travers: “I’ll show you… just put me down, please!”
The Master snarls and drops Travers, who lands feet-first on his desk. Straightening his tie and slicking back his hair, Travers pulls a tablet from a drawer.
Travers: “Master Devlin, you know I’m only goblin… Sometimes I do things — I can’t help myself.”
Master Devlin: “TRAVERS… what did you do?”
Travers swipes at the tablet and hands it to the Master, who recoils in disgust.
On the screen is spy-camera footage of Tess von Hildendorf changing President Travers’ oil in the Ogle Office.
Seeing enough, the Master shoves the tablet back, his face contorted in revulsion.
Master Devlin: “Jesus fucking Christ, Travers… Von Hildendorf?”
Travers: “I know, Master Devlin… I know… I have a sickness…”
Master Devlin: “This is what you sold Waldonia down the river for? Everyone knows you’re a fucking perverted sex fiend!”
Travers: “Hey hey! Reformed perverted sex fiend, Master Devlin! And happily married, I might add!”
Master Devlin: “So that’s it, eh?”
Travers: “Exactly. If Mrs Travers found out about this, she’d kill me! And frankly, I’m more scared of her than anyone… even you…”
The Master sighs, shaking his head.
Master Devlin: “Travers… you motherfucker…”
Travers: “It was a honey trap, Master Devlin… The birds used my own weakness against me. It seems they’ve learned from VAMP, because they’ve formed an alliance now — an actual lobby group called the ACPP. No doubt they’re gathering dirt on others as we speak…
Oh — and apparently Von Hildendorf found out you tricked her into declaring war on Reg during the Nilbog Wars. She’s none too pleased.”
Master Devlin: “I really don’t care about Tess. But you are going to have to come clean with Mrs Travers. It is the only way. I will not have Van der Beak claw his way back into power because of your inability to control yourself. This is bigger than you.”
Travers: “I can’t come clean! Mrs Travers will murder me!”
Master Devlin: “Mrs Travers is fully aware that you are a sex fiend. She knows you have an addiction.”
Travers: “That’s true… though to tell you the truth, I don’t even remember it happening. It was quite a shock when Von Hildendorf showed me the video… She’s not usually my type. I’m more of a boobs-than-beak kind of guy.
If you’d been here, Master Devlin, you could have counselled me…”
Master Devlin: “I actively try not to be present for your many oil changes. But I was away dealing with a far more serious matter. It seems Waldo used all the Waldhaven–Waldron drama as a distraction for his true ambitions.
He was secretly growing a huge Skunkbreed army designed to destroy all of Waldonia… The army you nuked was just the decoy.”
Travers: “There’s another army?? They’re coming here??”
Master Devlin: “Well, they were marching here, but got lost in Stoke, apparently. Still… they’re likely on their way, so we can’t let our guard down.
We need to prepare for war — but first we need to deal with this bird problem.
How deep inside the government has Van der Beak invaded?”
Travers: “Not very. So far… he’s visited a couple of times in an unofficial advisory capacity, but they’re taking their time not to push too quickly…
Apparently my administration’s association with the birds has done more damage to my reputation than dropping the nuclear bomb!
That actually raised my rating! Waldonians — gotta love ’em…”
Master Devlin: “Well, first things first, we need to break this blackmail plot.
You say you have no memory of Von Hildendorf changing your oil?”
Travers: “It’s true. And Travers never forgets an oil change! Especially from someone new like Von Hildendorf…”
Master Devlin: “Travers… it sounds like you were raped — which is exactly how we’re going to spin it to the press.”
Travers: “WHAT??”
Master Devlin: “She must have drugged you. Slipped something in your drink, then raped you and filmed it as blackmail.
So we release the tape ourselves and get your side of the story out first.”
Travers: “Nooooo, Master Devlin! You are speaking out of turn! Travers? Raped by a lady penguin?? Absurd!”
Master Devlin: “She gave you an oil change while you weren’t in a capacity to consent. You were sexually assaulted, Travers.”
Travers: “Now look, just because I may not remember it doesn’t mean it was rape. It simply proves it can’t have been that good!
Trust me, I’m a lawyer! I used that defence once successfully in court.
It’s a bad idea. Let’s just forget about that.”
Master Devlin: “It’s the truth, isn’t it? I’m giving you an easy win here, Travers.
You tell Mrs Travers you were raped — she could never blame you for that. Then we get ahead of it: we go public about the tape and the blackmail.
We arrest the conspirators and say you were just playing along to weed out those involved.”
Travers: “I admit the logic in it, but Master Devlin, be reasonable… I can’t very well go out there and tell the public I was raped! They’ll laugh me out of town!
As Commander-in-Chief I need to command respect! Some ryespect! You of all people should understand this.”
Master Devlin: “They already laugh at you for the other things you do. I doubt this will be one of them.”
Travers: “Maybe it’s time I gave up the big chair again… I’m not sure I’m cut out for this. It was only supposed to be temporary — while we dealt with the vampire problem. But I’d at least like to salvage my status as national treasure!”
Master Devlin: “But you don’t have a status of—… (sighs) Whatever. I don’t know. What do you want me to do?”
Travers: “I want you to get me out of this hole! Without my wife tearing me to pieces! And I want to preserve my reputation too…”
Master Devlin: “The way I see it, you have three options:
1. Do nothing. The birds continue to blackmail you — which is unacceptable, and I won’t allow it. Then your wife finds out and she kills you.
2. You tell her you have a sex addiction. A sickness. She will probably still kill you.
3. Tell her you are the victim of sexual assault. She kills Tess and embraces you.”
Travers: “Hmmm. Well… when you put it like that… option 3!”
Master Devlin: “Very well then. So now you’re going to need to have that difficult conversation with your wife.”
Travers: “Fine, let’s get this over with…”
Travers opens a drawer at the bottom of his desk. It’s full of emergency spousal-defence items — garlic, a crucifix, a gun loaded with silver bullets, and a wooden stake. He pulls out a small bottle of holy water and the cross, hiding them under the desk.
He presses a button and instructs his assistants to summon the First Lady.
Master Devlin: “Do you want me here for this?”
Travers: “You’re damn right I do…”
****
Eventually the First Lady arrives and is shocked to find the window has been smashed open. It works in Travers' favour, as the ray of sunlight across the floor forces her to stay back.
Fiona: “Arright, love? What’s all this, eh?”
Travers: “Felicia, my darling. I need to tell you something, and it won’t be easy…”
The Master slowly nods in approval.
Travers: “…So my advisor and sponsor, Master Devlin, will explain everything… Please take a seat.”
Master Devlin: “WHAT?? ME??”
Travers: “Yes. Go ahead, Master Devlin. You seem to have a clear take on the matter.”
Master Devlin: “But this is your—”
The Master loudly sighs and grumbles.
Fiona: “Well?”
The Waldoverse continues in Beaks, Lies & Videotape