Beaks, Lies & Videotape
The following takes place following: Bad Bird Blackmail
The First Lady stood, arms folded with a stone-cold expression as she watched the Tess and Travers oil-change tape. Travers watched her face in fearful anticipation. Eventually the video ended and she smirked.
Fiona: “I feel better.”
Travers: “Now just… wait… You do?”
Fiona: “Yeah… That has to be the worst oil change I’ve ever seen. I’m still not sure if I believe you about not remembering it, but if you’re lying, that experience would have been punishment enough…”
A repulsed Master chimes in.
Master Devlin: “Yes, it did look rather painful. All beak. Plus she seemed to smack you around quite a lot. Were you not injured?”
Travers: “I dunno… Am I?”
Travers hops up onto his desk and anxiously yanks his trousers down in front of his wife and Chief of Staff.
Master Devlin: “Good lord. What the hell is that?”
The Master recoils in disgust, pointing to a hideous rash.
Travers: “WHAT?”
Master Devlin: “Hmm. I think we should call Dr Fraser immediately.”
The Master leans over Travers’ desk and presses the ‘STD’ alarm button. Seconds later, Larry Fraser materialises in the Ogle Office.
Larry: “You rang, Mr President?”
Master Devlin: “Hello Larry, thank you for coming so quickly. The President has a bit of a curious rash…”
Larry inspects the rash.
Larry: “Well, this is a new one… What have you been up to?”
Travers: “I don’t know! I haven’t been anywhere near any gypsies, I swear!”
Fiona: “He was the victim of an oil-change rape by a gentoo penguin recently…”
Larry: “Raped, huh? Unpleasant business.”
Travers: “Don’t use that word. It wasn’t…”
Fiona: “Oh? Then what would you call it?”
Travers: “Uh… never mind… So what is it, Doc??”
Larry: “Well, it’s not gypsy syphilis again. Did you say a penguin changed your oil?”
Travers: “Yeah. But it wasn’t consensual. I must’ve been drugged or something.”
Larry: “Yeah, that sounds like rape to me.”
Travers: “Nooo. Doctor Fraser…”
Larry: “Tell me, Mr President, have you had any chest pains? Chills? Fever?”
Travers: “Uh. Yeah! A little bit. Stress of the job, of course.”
Larry: “Hmm. I would say you have Psittacosis.”
Travers: “What the hell is that? Some kinda bird flu??”
Larry: “Avian chlamydiosis… Chlamydia spread by birds...”
Travers: “Oh dear… That bitch! I’ll kill her! She’s infected me out of turn!”
Larry: “I’ll have the EMH drop off a course of doxycycline. That should hopefully take care of it.”
Travers: “Excellent!”
Larry: “Just try to stay out of the sunshine while you’re on it, or wear plenty of sunscreen, as you’ll burn more easily… Speaking of which, Mrs Travers, your vampire physiology typically makes you immune to such diseases so I don’t think any treatment is necessary… but just keep an eye out…”
Fiona nods.
Larry: “Now, Mr President. We must trace this infection, so if there’s anyone else you’ve been intimate with, I’ll need you to make up a list…”
Travers: “Only Mrs Travers this time, Doc. I’m reformed now…”
Larry: “Excellent!”
Travers: “A noble goblin… Pillar of the community. Treasure of the nation…”
Larry: “I get the picture, Mr President, but let’s not get carried away.” Suddenly the doors open and a stroppy teenage girl walks in. She looks at them all in disgust and confusion as Travers scrambles to pull his pants up. Rolling her eyes, she heads straight for the sofa.
Fiona: “Arright, luv. How was school?”
Tina: “I hate it! I want to go back to me old school…”
Travers: “Nonsense! We’ve been over this, young lady… Waldwood Academy is the most prestigious school in the nation! I won’t have the President’s daughter attending Chav High… We have a duty to keep up appearances, after all…”
Tina: “Step-daughter, Jack… step-daughter…”
Travers: “Young lady, you are speaking out of turn. I told you before, you will address me as either Mr President or Dad… Is a little damn respect too much to ask for around here?”
Tina: “Whatever… What happened to the window?”
Master Devlin: “The President was behaving out of turn. So I had to make a rash and urgent entrance.”
Tina: “Makes sense. Was he planning on dropping another nuclear bomb or something?”
Travers: “No! Not yet anyway… Why don’t you run along, sweetheart, the Ogle Office is no place for children.”
Tina: “I’m sixteen!”
Fiona: “Come on luv, let’s get you something to eat and you can tell me about yer day…”
The First Lady takes her daughter’s hand and leads her out the room.
Fiona: “Ta-ra, Doctor Fraser!”
Larry: “Goodbye Mrs Travers! Well, I should be going now too. Master Devlin, I trust you’ll make sure the President takes his antibiotics.”
Master Devlin: “What? Oh, yes of course. Sorry, I’m still adjusting to the idea of Travers being someone’s step-father.”
Travers: “You and me both, pal… But I have high hopes for that one… Why, in just a couple of years she’ll be old enough to become the new star Chronicle girl...”
Larry and Master Devlin both give Travers a look of disgust. Larry then quietly phases out of the room and disappears.
Just then Ermintrude knocks and enters:
Ermintrude: “Mr President, Brian Cavendish from the Chronicle is on the line. He wishes to speak to you. He said it’s urgent.”
Travers: “Brian Cavendish… Who the hell is Brian Cavendish??”
Ermintrude: “Um… ‘Kyle’, Sir… Newspaper Kyle…”
Travers: “Oh, well why didn’t you say so? Put him on speaker!”
Ermintrude hurries over to his desk and complies.
Travers: “Kyle? President Travers, national treasure… What’s up?”
Brian: “It’s Wally, Sir! He’s come back… He just kicked me out of my office and said he’s running things again…”
Travers: “Wait, Wally’s there in the office now?”
Brian: “Yes Sir!”
Travers: “Well there’s some good news! What did I tell you, Master Devlin… These things have a way of working themselves out…”
The Master goes to respond but Travers stops him with a raise of his hand.
Brian: “SIR? I don’t understand…”
Travers: “It’s quite simple, Kyle. If Wally is in the office printing newspapers, then he’s not out there launching attacks on the nation. I call that a win!”
Brian: “But sir, he took my job! It’s not fair! I earned that position!”
Travers: “Sorry Kyle but I can’t be getting involved in the power struggles of Corporate Waldonia. I have much bigger problems to deal with… Besides, we always knew when I gave you my blessing as Acting Editor that it was only temporary… Technically Wally is still the Editor as far as the board are concerned.”
Brian: “But that was before he led an armed insurrection against the nation!”
Travers: “Yeah I know! I nuked his army! And for crying out loud, Kyle, that was like three weeks ago! That was Past Waldo! I’m sure he’s learned his lesson…”
Brian: “He’s a mass murderer…”
Travers: “What am I? The police?? Go cry to them...”
Brian: “I did go to them! They told me to take it up with you!”
Travers: “Look Kyle, when you become a leader, you have to learn a little thing called pragmatism… The fact is there’s simply not much we can do about Waldo… We just have to live with him. It’s our lot in life as Waldonians… Furthermore, nobody likes a tattletale, Kyle… Learn to fight your own battles…”
Brian: “But—”
Travers: “My advice is just wait it out. He’ll get bored soon, then you can move back in…”
Master Devlin: “Brian, it’s Master Devlin here. Just continue to do your job but let him have your office for now. You are still Acting Editor. Waldo just likes to sit in the chair and think he is running things. Best continue to let him believe that he is. Just be careful as he might stab you. We’re a little busy here but when I get a moment, I will come and remove him.”
Brian: “Um, okay. He’s just proposed to Helen and she said yes.”
Master Devlin: “Fine, whatever.”
Travers presses the button and hangs up.
Travers: “Now, back to the matter at hand… How about we fund a community outreach programme to help underprivileged goblins?”
Master Devlin: “That is not the matter at hand, Travers… It’s dealing with the bird problem. Now that we’ve freed you from the blackmail, I think it’s time we go on the offensive and call them out. Make a press announcement…”
Travers: “If you think it’ll work, okay…”
Master Devlin: “Good. I’ll have a speech drawn up...”
The Waldoverse continues in Travers Tells His Truth