Travers Gets Audited

The following takes place directly following: Cynthia Jones

Travers, Master Devlin, and the WRS agent Cynthia Jones have moved into the conference room to discuss Travers, Travers & Shiina's little tax problem. Travers squirms in his chair as Ms. Jones opens her briefcase on the table and begins. Also present are Mayuri and Mr. Konrad, who are sitting quietly at the end of the table.

Cynthia Jones: Mr. Travers, I am here because your company has not submitted any tax return—or paid taxes of any kind that I can find—in quite some time...

Travers: ...

Travers is too busy staring at her cleavage.

CJ: Mr. Travers? What do you have to say about that?

Travers: Huh? Oh...I wouldn't know anything about it, ma'am. I'm unemployed. Therefore, taxes are not my area.

CJ: I'm going to need to see your financial records. Everything for the past 24 months.

Travers: Oh, well, you're in luck. For you see, it just so happens that Master Devlin right here is my accountant. Show her, Stan!

CJ: Are you his accountant, Master Devlin?

Master Devlin: No. I'm just here visiting.

Travers: Pay no attention. He's modest. He really is quite a whiz with the numbers... and counting... and what have you. So why don't I leave you both to it...

CJ: Do you even have financial books, Mr. Travers?

Travers: Like I said, I'm not the accountant! Hell, I’ve never read a book in my life...

CJ: And yet you're a... lawyer?

Travers: Damn right. Best damn lawyer in town. Now as for books, my lovely wife is the reader! She loves words and such. She composes haikus, y'know! Mayuri, recite one of your haikus...

Mayuri: Ahem... I call this one: Tender Truth No. 17.

Golden, crisp delight,

Warm embrace of seasoned love,

Gone too soon—just crumbs.

Travers: Beautiful. Just beautiful. You know who loves to hear these? Ermintrude! I'll go get her...

Travers hops off the chair and heads for the door.

CJ: Please sit down, Mr. Travers!

Travers awkwardly climbs back onto the chair and looks at her like a nervous child. He's really starting to sweat.

CJ: I'm afraid you can't just walk away from this. This is quite a serious matter and I would really advise you to be straight with me. I'm trying to help you—but the lies must stop.

Travers: Lies? What lies!? That’s an outrageous claim!

CJ: Let's see.

She consults her notes.

CJ: First you claimed that Master Devlin here was Harris Travers and that your name was Clarence DuBois. Then you brought your wife into your deceit. Then you told me you were unemployed before claiming to be a lawyer moments later. And of course, you just tried to tell me that Master Devlin—who you now admit is in fact Master Devlin—is your accountant, which he immediately denied. So I put it to you, Mr. Travers, that you have not been truthful so far in this meeting. Now, might we try the truth for a change?

The Master leans in and whispers in Travers' ear.

MD: Umm, Travers, I don’t think you can hide from this. Just give her what she wants and she’ll be on her way. I can sit in on the interview if need be.

Travers whispers back frantically to the Master:

Travers: I can’t! We don’t keep records...

MD: What? Sure you do?

Travers: We don’t make any money. We just do stuff.

MD: Then how can you afford all this?

Travers: I dunno!? I just have it.

MD: Then you’ll have to come clean and explain that... somehow.

Travers’ ears twitch. He waves the Master away as if he’s just had a great idea.

Travers: Ah, um. Miss Jones. I appreciate you being patient with us. I’m afraid what I was trying to explain was that you’ve come at a really bad time. It’s all a bit chaotic here at the moment. Y’see, the fact of the matter is, it just so happens that we had a terrible fire not too long ago and all the records are gone. Financial and otherwise. We are absolutely devastated.

CJ: I see. Well, I’m very sorry to hear that, but this doesn’t excuse why there’s been no tax returns issued to us for years...

Travers: Well like I said, you’ll have to speak to the accountant. He’s responsible for all that stuff.

CJ: And who might that be this time? Master Devlin again?

Travers looks to Devlin, who shakes his head.

Travers: Uh... No. Um. Apologies. I spoke out of turn. It’s hard to keep track of who does what around here... Uh... But I believe—yes, I believe it is Mr. Konrad who deals with the finances around here. He’s responsible for all that important stuff. Taxes and... quarries. Fruit and veg...

CJ: I see. And where is Mr. Konrad?

Travers: He’s not in today. He’s off sick. Explosive diarrhoea! Very nasty...

Mr Konrad silent glares at Mr Travers.

CJ (sighs): Of course... But the fact is you are the Director of TTS. So you are responsible.

Travers: Not true! I designate... or delegate. The team leader is the one who is responsible, and I’ll be sure to fire him!

CJ: I’m afraid that’s not good enough. I’ll have no choice but to report your lack of cooperation.

Cynthia, Mayuri, Mr. Konrad, and the Master all stare at Travers. He is extremely sweaty. His £7,000 suit is completely soaked through. He starts to have a panic attack, before getting irate.

Travers: This is outrageous discrimination! I’m being deliberately targeted by the government... You know what this is, don’t you?? Anti-Semitism! Rearing its ugly head yet again...

CJ: Excuse me?

Travers: You heard. You’re picking on me because I’m a JEW LAWYER! You can’t stand that my people have finally found some success after centuries of—

Ermintrude suddenly enters.

Ermie: Excuse me, Mr. Travers. Here’s your lunch.

Cynthia stares at the large stacked bacon roll placed on the table in front of Travers.

CJ: Jew, huh?

Travers: Well, uh... Yeah... On my friend’s cousin’s side. We’re not strict about it here. Hey Ms. Jones, what do you think of my new secretary? Look at those tits, huh? We’re all very proud of her. She’s a national treasure! Just like Travers...

CJ: Yes, I saw her when I arrived. I must ask, Mr. Travers, do you really think it’s appropriate to have your female employees not wear a top in the office?

Travers: Absolutely. Do you have any idea how much more business we do since our girl Ermintrude started working here?

CJ: Oh, so you are making money then?

Travers: Well... Uh... That’s hardly the point. But back to the matter at hand... the point, Ms. Jones... the essential point is that we are all sinners. I myself am prone to lust... The real question, Ms. Jones—what is your sin? Let he... or she who is without sin cast the first stone. But that is not you, is it? Tell me, CJ... What do you desire?

CJ: I hope you’re not attempting to bribe me, Mr. Travers? I would definitely advise against it. You’re already in considerable hot water as it is. Now, I have asked to see your financial records, which you have refused to show me, and so far instead you have tried to deflect by faking your identity, showing off your assistant’s large breasts, and talking a load of pseudo-religious nonsense. Now... are you going to show me your financial records or not?

Travers: Of course, Ms. Jones. Why didn’t you say so? Mr. Konrad! Please fetch the financial records for Ms. Jones...

Mr. Konrad looks bewildered.

Travers: Now, if you please, Mr. Konrad...

Konrad awkwardly leaves the room.

CJ: I thought Mr. Konrad was off sick?

Travers: I must have, uh... spoken out of turn. I’m quite flustered... It may take a while.

CJ: I can wait. So... Master Devlin, are you married?

MD: Um. No, madam. I am not.

Travers: Well I think that that is most definitely not the best usage of your time. Perhaps you should come back later?

CJ: Oh, I’m gathering information as we speak.

Cynthia starts writing things in her notes.

Travers: Well then you should know, the last woman who asked Master Devlin that question turned out to be a homicidal tranny. You should write that down...

CJ: Is that so?

Travers: That’s right... Oh, by the way, we have a computer?

CJ: That’s nice. Why did you just put on an Australian accent?

Travers: I did?

Travers starts to eat his bacon roll. She continues writing in her notebook. Devlin leans in to whisper to Travers.

MD: Travers, a word, please.

Travers: Fine... Excuse me, Ms. Jones. I wish to confer with my associate.

They get up and go stand in the corner.

MD: This is not good, Travers. You could go to jail... again.

Travers: Yes... Master Devlin. Finally, you have said something correct... I need a way out! Can you do something? I thought the sin speech and the bribe was a sure thing, but she seems annoyingly incorruptible.

MD: Why didn’t you embezzle the money and put it in property or something?

Travers: It’s not my fault I don’t know how... I don’t even understand... taxes!

MD: That’s not really a good excuse, Travers. Though I suppose maybe you could’ve just said Mayuri was the accountant. Use the ignorance of the law stance. You might’ve gotten away with it. But now she’s suspicious.

Travers: Because I said you were, and you didn’t back me up! Wait, do you think that could still work?

MD: You could try. You are short on options. But even if it works, you will likely have to pay a hefty fine. Might keep you out of jail though.

Travers: Fine.

MD: Yes.

Travers: What? No, I mean okay—I agree! But how about you lead...

MD: Hrrmm. Fine.

Travers: I know, you said that already...

MD: Shut up you fool.

Travers: Hmph.

Travers and Devlin walk back to the table and sit down.

MD: Mayuri. I really enjoyed those chicken tenders. Perhaps you could make us some more?

Mayuri: Sure, Senpai! Tu tu ru...

Mayuri hurries out of the conference room.

The Master addresses Jones directly.

MD: Cynthia! May I call you Cynthia? After speaking with Mr. Travers, I’ve discovered what the problem is. Turns out his wife, Mayuri, was the accountant—yet apparently severely out of her depth... and has unfortunately failed to keep records. Of course, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour today, but he’s clearly protective of his wife. As you can see, she’s quite lovely, but a little... simple... I’m sure you understand. Isn’t that right, Travers?

Travers: Yeah... Uh... We tried to give her too much responsibility, but she was dropped on her head as a child. Many, many times.

CJ: Oh... I see. Well, that does explain a lot. Do you have records of anything? I need to see the errors in your bookkeeping if this is the case.

Travers: No... I'm afraid my wife was supposed to keep the records, as I said. She didn’t realise that meant for more than a week. She shredded everything...

CJ: She shredded everything?

Travers: Yes. Then she burned the shreddings. She’s Japanese...

CJ: This isn’t good, Mr. Travers...

Travers: I know. I know... I’ve made some questionable calls...Even I'm not perfect, it would appear.

CJ: You can say that again. Look, Mr. Travers, let me be clear. This is very serious. Your company has several tax years of undeclared revenue and unpaid taxes, and you risk going to prison. However, I will do you a favour—and it is only because your friend here, Master Devlin, is so charming and willing to speak for you—that I’m willing to give you the opportunity to help yourself.

If you fully cooperate now—and I mean today—I will personally recommend that we resolve this through administrative penalties rather than criminal prosecution. That will mean a substantial fine, a five-year financial monitoring agreement, and full access to your financial data starting immediately. But that depends entirely on your compliance. No more lies. No more distractions. If you don’t sign today, I escalate this to our criminal investigations team.

MD: That sounds quite reasonable.

Travers, less impressed, ushers Devlin to confer in the corner again.

Travers: Five years’ monitoring... Big brother nonsense...Who does she think she is?

MD: This is a good deal, Travers. She's got you by the balls.

Travers starts to look around, feeling increasing resentment and paranoia. He catches her staring at him from across the room.

Travers: I don’t like that woman... She looks at me like I’m a fool.

MD: You are a fool, Travers. You let this happen. What were you thinking?

Travers: Master Devlin, you are speaking out of turn...

MD: Frankly, Miss Jones has been extremely patient with you. You need to get your act together.

Travers: Patient?? She’s been nothing but a hard-ass this whole time! And what is it with you two??

MD: What do you mean?

Travers: "It’s only because Master Devlin is so charming"—what’s that about??

MD: I can’t help if she likes me. And I just did you a favour...

Travers gets mad and raises his voice. They are no longer whispering.

Travers: It’s all a little too convenient though, ain’t it?

MD: What are you talking about?

Travers: This is your doing, isn’t it?? Some sort of sick revenge plot for daring to tell you that you were speaking out of turn all those times!? You brought her here, didn't you!?

MD: I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.

Travers: Why should I believe you?? You must’ve ratted on me to the WRS... It’s the only explanation. She just happens to show up out of the blue minutes after you arrive!?

Travers turns his ire toward Cynthia.

Travers: Hey, lady! How do I know you’re even a real WRS agent? Huh?

Cynthia calmly shows him her identification.

Travers: That doesn’t prove anything! Could be fake... Probably an agent of Van Der Beak!

Travers turns back to point the finger at Devlin.

Travers: You too, you treacherous serpent!

MD: Right, that’s it. I’m going now. I tried to help you. But you are just so full of shit that you cannot be helped. Just blaming and accusing others for your own recklessness.

Travers: Nooooo, Master Devlin! It is yooooooooooouuuuuuuuu, you filthy traitor rat... Imagine ratting your old pal out to the WRC! Who does that!?

CJ: You need to calm down, Mr. Travers...

Travers: Shut up! You are out of turn! In fact you probably aren’t even real... You’re a fraud. A fake! It’s all fake! None of this is real! Fugazi!

Travers gestures toward her chest.

Travers: I bet those aren’t even real...

Travers hops onto the table, scurries across, and without hesitation, rips open CJ’s blouse, revealing her very real breasts.

CJ: 😳😲

T: Oh... Um... Say, how would you like to work here, Ms. Jones?

****

WBC NEWS: HARRIS TRAVERS ARRESTED FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

Season 3 continues in Time's Up For Travers