Motion to Dismember
The following takes place following: Transatlantic Treasure Hunt
Master Devlin: Right, Travers. What now? Visit your wife? Keep in mind there’s a goblin slayer hunting you—and a fan club of grudges lining up.
Travers: Well, to be honest, I was really thinking we should pay a visit to the Acting District Attorney... Frankly, I feel justice hasn't been served.
Master Devlin: You could say that. After all, you got off easy despite being guilty.
Travers: Nonsense, Master Devlin. You are speaking out of turn. The only thing I'm guilty of is wrongly assuming the Acting District Attorney would not rat me out to the criminal underworld—I thought what I said at the bench was private.
Master Devlin: Did you really?
Travers: You're damn right I did! I believed in the institution of the court, Master Devlin. So if that makes me an idealistic fool, then so be it.
Master Devlin: Well, you're certainly a fool...
Travers: You know, he should be in jail! The ADA. For breaching confidentiality!
Master Devlin: Yes, well, by rights, Travers, you should be in jail too...
Travers: A jury of my peers disagreed.
Master Devlin: Only because you lied and sleazed your way through the entire trial.
Travers: And I did it so well! C'mon, admit it. Even you were impressed...
Master Devlin: Yes... I suppose... Plus, the ADA was slime, so I had no desire for him to win anyway... Y'know what? Let's do it. Let's pay our friend, the ADA, a visit.
Travers: Yes!! It's about time he gets what's coming to him. I'm talking holy retribution. Real biblical kind of torture... You'll have to do it, though. Travers doesn't have the stomach for that kind of thing!
Master Devlin: Well, to be honest, I tend to hire Widdle Frunkut for such things—and not really hire either. Waldo does it willingly.
Travers: Yeah, well, he's never around when I need him. We've never actually met in person, come to think of it. We always seem to just miss each other. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman. Strange...
Master Devlin: Probably for the best... Shall we?
****
The Master and Travers find the Acting DA's home. He's shocked to answer the door and find them standing at his doorstep.
Travers: Surprise, asshole! You're in trouble now...
The ADA tries to slam the door shut, but the Master steps in and smashes the door off its hinges. The Master and Travers step in as the ADA backs away. The Master props the door back on.
ADA: Wh... what do you want? Master Devlin: It sounds like you've been busy, Acting District Attorney?
He continues to walk back and stumbles into a seat. Master Devlin: Yes, of course. Take a seat.
Travers: Master Devlin and I are intent on having a little chat with you... And by that, I mean I will talk while the Master turns you inside out...
ADA: Www... what?
Travers: You fucked with the wrong lawyer, bub. I have a dragon!
ADA: I... I don't know what you're talking about.
Travers: Master Devlin. Let's start with the kneecaps.
ADA: No... no, you can't...
Travers: Oh, he can...
The Master sees the ADA's solid-framed law degree on the wall. He picks it up and smashes the frame down onto the ADA's knee in a sharp downward stroke. The kneecap smashes down towards his ankles.
The ADA lets out a loud scream, which the Master muffles with his hand. They give him a moment.
Travers: Word on the street is that you have been saying some very unhelpful things about Mr. Travers. Now why would they say a thing like that, I wonder...
ADA: Like... like what?
Travers: Oh, this and that... Something about Travers being a rat...
ADA: I... I have no... idea what you're talking about!
Travers: Except you do know... Because only two other people in court knew about my special secret arrangement. Other than my sharp-eared, pointy friend here, of course... Super dragon hearing, y’see.
ADA: It wasn't me!
A urine puddle appears, seeping into the chair and onto the floor. Master Devlin: Looks like we've got a leaker!
Travers: And why should we believe you? You had motive...
ADA: WHAT MOTIVE??
The Master smashes the bar certificate frame over the ADA's head. Master Devlin: You wanted revenge. You got beaten in court by Harris Travers, for Christ's sake. He made you look like a fool.
ADA: NO!
The Master then puts pressure on his wounds. The ADA squeals.
ADA: Okay! Okay... Maybe I did. You humiliated me. You were guilty! But that doesn't mean I ratted you out!
Travers: Still won't admit it, huh? What a spineless weasel. Well, gosh darn it, if that's how you're going to act, then we're going to treat you like one. Master Devlin, remove the lower half of his spine, if you please—but let's not kill him just yet.
Master Devlin: I'm afraid I'm a little too rough. I don't have that kind of precision.
Travers: Well, give it your best shot. Practice makes perfect!
Master Devlin: It's not something I intend to practice, but I know someone who has had plenty...
Travers: Fine, whatever. Let's just—
The Master peels off Travers' moustache.
wF: Hi, Masta! Hi, masta! It's me! Wiffuhuh!
Master Devlin: Hey, Wally.
ADA: What...
The ADA is bamboozled.
ADA: Is this... Widdle Frunkut?
wF: Yes! Hello person! Who might you be?
Master Devlin: Widdle Frunkut, might I introduce you to the Acting District Attorney?
ADA: What... happened to Travers?
wF: He looks all brokey... Shot, was he?
Master Devlin: Something like that... Widdle Frunkut, the ADA is having some lower back issues. Can you correct him, please?
wF: Certainly! Doctor Waldo is in the house! Now, let's see...
Master Devlin: There are some kitchen utensils there if need be.
wF: No need, Flippers!
Master Devlin: Very well.
Waldo slides his claws into the ADA's back.
ADA: AHHHWEWEDF.
wFF: Ah, here we are. There seems to be some sort of boney cord.
Waldo tears the cord out from the lower back, going upwards. The ADA shits himself.
wF: Hmm. This seems to keep going up the head. Shall we remove it all?
Master Devlin: Sure.
The Master lights a cigar.
wF: Okay! Hold on, sir... This may nip a bit.
ADA: ...
Waldo does the Predator trophy move, ripping the whole spinal column out with the head attached.
wF: There we are. Good as new! How does the patient feel?
ADA: ...
wF: Lost for words, eh?
Master Devlin: I think he's dead, Waldo.
wF: Really?
Waldo checks.
wF: You're right... He's dead, Jim...
Master Devlin: I think we should display him like a voodoo ritual—like in Predator 2.
Waldo isn't listening. The thrill of the kill is starting to affect him. Waldo's eyes go out of focus and a manic smirk appears. The Master immediately recognises it as the beginning of trouble.
Master Devlin: Shit... Well, thank you for your help, Wally. That will be all...
The Master quickly slaps a fake moustache back on Waldo's face.
Travers: Huh... Oh... Master Devlin! What uh... What happened here?
Master Devlin: You passed out, Travers.
Travers: I did? Oh... Must be all this torture. Guess I didn't have the stomach for it after all. Wow... You really did a number on the guy. He appears thoroughly dead!
Master Devlin: Actually, it was Widdle Frunkut. He turned up when you were out. You just missed him.
Travers: Typical... So, he did this?
Master Devlin: Yes.
Travers: Oh... Well, remind me to thank him when we finally meet... Um... He didn’t... do anything unsavoury to Travers, did he?
Master Devlin: No.
Travers: Oh... Good. Well, I'm satisfied. Justice is done... But perhaps we should vacate this crime scene. Post haste.
Master Devlin: Yes, let's.
Travers: Although I'm less concerned about the authorities at any rate and more about the legions of assassins and bounty hunters out there, looking to whack Travers... Need a new plan.
Master Devlin: True. Have you ever thought about becoming a woman?
Travers: No. Not happening.
Master Devlin: What about other disguises?
Travers: I think my moustache makes me quite recognisable. And without, I'm just not myself. I suppose I could wear a burka. Or niqab or whatever.
Master Devlin: Well, regardless, I think you might need to continue to lay low for a while. Come along, let's go back to the Council grounds. You'll be safer there...
Travers: Lead the way, pal!
Season Finale
Continues in Season 4