Parole Hearing

It’s the day of Tess von Hildendorf’s parole hearing, and Master Devlin decides to pre-warn Waldo about a potential new pupil under his care.

The Master knocks on Waldo's dumpster.

MD: Widdle Frunkut?

Waldo pops out.

wF: Oh hey, Stan! Wanna buy some mushrooms? We got all kinds growing in here.

MD: I thought you should know—I may be taking on a new pupil soon.

wF: What?! Unacceptable!

MD: Tess has her parole hearing today. If she’s released from the zoo, she'll be required to undergo a series of supervised sessions with the Masters’ Council. I’ll likely be assigned to he.

wF: You can’t be serious. Have you forgotten what happened last time with Hugo??

MD: Unfortunately, it’s not my decision. But if it happens, you’ll be attending lessons together.

wF: 😣😖😵 This is outrageous! Waldo shall appeal this immediately! Tess is not fit for release Take us to the parole hearing!

MD: I wouldn’t recommend that.

wF: We’re going pizza man—end of discussion. Either take us or we follow...

MD: Fine. But at least get yourself cleaned up first. You’re a disgrace.

wF: Unnecessary!

MD: That wasn’t a request.

The Master grabs Waldo by the scruff and drags him off for a good hosing down.

****

On the way to the parole hearing, they stop so Waldo can put on a clean white short-sleeved shirt and a clean tie. By the time they reach their destination, the shirt has turned the colour of swamp water. The Master guides Waldo into the building by touching his back—and immediately regrets it. 🤢

The Master and Waldo take a seat in the parole hearing room. The chairman of the parole board stands. Tess von Hildendorf waddles into the room, shooting a scowling glance at Waldo and the Master before taking a seat.

Chairman Matthews: Good morning. Let us commence this parole hearing regarding the penguin, Contessa Von Hildendorf, who is currently serving her rehabilitation at Widdlington Zoo. The purpose of this hearing is to determine whether Ms. Von Hildendorf has: A. Met the necessary criteria to be released from custody entirely; B. May undergo the remainder of her rehabilitation under the supervision of the Masters Council; or C. Be returned to the Waldonian Zoo. If there is anyone who would like to speak here today, please make yourself known.

Waldo stands.

wF: We would, your lordship.

Chairman: State your name.

wF: We would ask that the committee recognize me, Widdle Frunkut—future ex-husband of Von Hildendorf and namesake of the Waldoverse... as well as my hetero life mate, Master Stan Devlin... pillar of the community.

wF: We oppose parole. Most vehemently.

Chairman: Future ex-husband?

wF: Yes... For 500 years, she was my empress. But it hasn’t happened yet.

The Master sighs. The committee look at each other, totally bewildered.

wF: ...At least in this worldline. But it will. You can be assured. Tell him, Stan!

MD: If I may interrupt— The Master stands.

MD: Widdle Frunkut is a pupil of mine. I wouldn’t dwell too much on what he just said regarding future wives—past, or present... I’m afraid Widdle Frunkut doesn’t fully grasp the concept of time. He's not a well goblin. But anyway, this bears no real relevance. Widdle Frunkut will now get to the point regarding his objection to Ms. Von Hildendorf’s release. Please proceed, Widdle Frunkut.

wF: Thank you, Stanley.

The Master sits.

Chairman: Please continue.

wF: Tess von Hildendorf is awful. She doesn’t have a single redeeming quality. A plague on society. We find her very presence in this room objectionable. An entitled brat who has done nothing but prey upon people’s kindness... And um... she’s a terrorist—and a paedophile!

The Master facepalms.

Chairman: A terrorist...and a paedophile?

wF: Yeah! Exactly! I’m glad you agree.

Waldo looks around at the other board members.

wF: He’s a smat man. Listen to him!

The Master looks at Waldo, perplexed. He leans in and whispers.

MD: Waldo, what the hell are you doing?

Waldo whispers back.

wF: I don’t know, dude! We didn’t prep!

Chairman: Do you have evidence for these accusations?

wF: Evidence? Well, no... The illustrator isn’t willing to do illustrations depicting active paedophilic scenes... He does have some standards... So not that kind of proof.

Parole board members mutter among themselves: "The illustrator?"

Chairman: And who is the illustrator?

wF: Well, he’s like the editor. He makes the Waldoverse illustrations—which, as you know, is the highest form of proof under Waldonian law! In fact, I think the illustrator and the editor are the same man!

The chairman looks down, crosses out Widdle Frunkut’s name on his notepad, and writes: “- religious wacko.”

Chairman: Well... do you have anything else, Mr. Frunkut?

wF: Yes, your lordship. We would like to humbly request a recess to confer with my council pal.

Chairman: Denied.

wF: Objection, your honour!

Chairman: This is a parole board hearing, Mr. Frunkut. Not a court of law. If you have nothing else, please take your seat.

wF: That penguin belonged to Hitler! She was his pet—

Chairman: Okay, I think that’s enough. Thank you, Widdle Frunkut.

wF: No! We’re not done! She escaped the Nuremberg trials, see—Masta! Say stuff!

Tess smirks. The Master gives Waldo an appalled look.

Chairman: Thank you, Widdle Frunkut. That will be all.

wF: God damn it, that’s not all! ‘Cause if you let this evil witch out, then that will be all! And all this—this bullshit you think is so important—you can just kiss all that goodbye!

Chairman: Thank you, Widdle Frunkut. That will be all. Master Devlin, please control Mr. Frunkut or he will be removed.

MD: Yes, sir. Waldo, sit down.

The Master whispers.

MD: That was fucking embarrassing. Good lord, Waldo—you are leaking everywhere.

wF: I know... 😓 Tell them, Masta! Tell them she’s a baddy!

MD: I can’t, Waldo. Due to the Council’s involvement now, I need to remain impartial.

Chairman: Widdle Frunkut, you have provided us with no evidence for your claims. Just the sound of a hysterical little creature. Now... I am told we are due to hear from a Mrs. Mayuri Travers?

Mayuri stands up.

Mayuri: In my opinion, sir, Ms. Von Hildendorf is a very rude and controlling woman. She's a bully. She kept ordering me about—telling me she was going to take my husband’s money.

Chairman: Who is your husband?

Mayuri: Mr. Harris Travers, National Treasure, sir. But at the time I was also married to Goberin San— I mean... Widdle Frunkut.

Chairman: Wait—you’re also married to Widdle Frunkut?

Mayuri: Yes. Well... no. I don’t know. He lied about being married to my grandmother, too.

The board looks bewildered again, then glances over at Widdle Frunkut, who is visibly melting with sweat.

wF: Objection, your honour! The witness is an ungrateful bitch—and a harlot!

Waldo runs up and slams an issue of Playpen featuring a nude Mayuri in front of Chairman Matthews. The chairman inspects the contents and wipes his brow.

Chairman: Oh my...

wF: Your honour, I demand that my not-ex-wife’s testimony be stricken from the record! It’s little more than character assassination. I’d like to call my next witness to the stand... Queen Victoria!

The room goes silent. Everyone looks at Widdle Frunkut, completely baffled.

wF: QUEEN VICTORIA OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE COMMONWEALTH...

Chairman: Okay, that’s quite enough.

wF: Your honour, I’d like to request a retrial! The witch, Von Hildendorf, has obviously done something to my star witness...

Chairman: I think after the freakshow you’ve put on today, Mr. Frunkut, you are in no position to make demands.

wF: But be assured—Tess is a crook. A mass murderer. Con artist. Serial poisoner. Peddler of cheap and harmful wares...Oh wait... that’s Wiffuhuh—never mind!

Chairman: Motion to quash Widdle Frunkut’s testimony today?

Parole Board: Aye.

wF: You can’t handle the truth!

Chairman: Anything else you’d like to add, Mrs. Travers?

wF: Forget it, Mayuri! It’s Chinatown! This whole court is out of order!

The Master grabs Waldo and forcibly sits him down.

wF: Unhinder me, Yankee... You really blew this one, dipshit... 😒

The Master grabs Waldo’s mouth and zips it closed.

wF: ...Should’ve spoke u—🤐

Chairman: Let’s get this over with, shall we? I understand Ms. Von Hildendorf has prepared a speech? Please, go ahead.

Mayuri: 😦😯...

Tess: Thank you, Chairman... members of the board. As you have witnessed, my husband, Widdle Frunkut, is not a well goblin. He’s always been something of a fool, but without me to keep him in line these past few months... well, you’ve seen the results.

Now, I understand you will no doubt expect me to tell you how sorry I am, and that I have been rehabilitated. But the fact of the matter is—I was never even charged, let alone convicted of any crimes whatsoever. Instead, I was abducted and incarcerated without trial... by that dragon there—Master Devlin—who conspired with my husband to get rid of me.

Now it’s true: some of the peasant folk may take issue with my lack of courtesy. I do not suffer fools gladly—it’s true—and I expect them to remember their station. I speak my mind. Would some of the smooth-brained folk of the Waldoverse call that “rude”? Perhaps. But the last I checked, lacking social niceties is not a crime. Certainly not one that warrants being locked up behind glass to be gawked at, day in and day out, by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.

So no—I am most assuredly not sorry. In fact, I am the one who should be receiving an apology. As you can see, I’m of sound mind, and I have a job waiting for me on the outside—namely, taking charge of my idiot husband’s welfare and estate. A task that you will not envy, I’m sure. Thank you. That is all I have to say.

Chairman: Thank you, Ms. Von Hildendorf. You mention taking charge of your husband’s estate and welfare. I presume you’re referring to Mr. Frunkut? Well, as the records show—you are not married, nor are you employed.

The chairman consults his notes.

Chairman: I see here that Widdle Frunkut was legally married to a Sakuki "Sing Kang" Waldo—recently deceased. Bigamy, under Waldonian law, renders all other marriages void. And given Widdle Frunkut’s truly idiotic testimony—particularly the nonsense about “future ex-wife”—this parole board does not recognize such ridiculous claims.

As for your allegations regarding your incarceration: The records show you are, in fact, a former zoo escapee. We also have a statement from the Masters Council indicating you appeared during a police and fire investigation into a house fire, demanded room and board, and then assaulted a fire officer. Although Master Devlin’s handling of this situation may have been... harsh, given these facts, it seems the zoo was the appropriate placement.

One more thing, on a personal note, Ms. Von Hildendorf: Your high-and-mighty, entitled attitude is troubling. You are not a tax-paying Waldonian citizen, and yet you choose to insult the hard-working, paying customers of the zoo—and of this great nation. So no, Ms. Von Hildendorf—I do not believe you are ready to be integrated back into society.

However... I also do not believe the zoo is the best place for you. The reports state that the other animals were unable to socialise with you, and you were not a good fit. Therefore, I am recommending to the committee that you be placed into the custody of the Masters Council—so that perhaps you may be rehabilitated enough to rejoin society in future.

Tess: This is outrageous. How dare you speak to me this way?

Chairman: All those in favour?

Parole Board: Aye.

MD: Fuck...

Tess: I am an empress! You are all dirty peasants! Of course I didn’t socialise with the common filth in the zoo—they were beneath me. As are all of you! I’m leaving now!

Police officers move in.

Chairman: You aren’t going anywhere, madam. You either accept this decision, or a much harsher punishment will be enforced.

She bites them. Flaps her wings frantically.

The Chairman nods to the guards.

They wrap her in an animal net.

Chairman : I think a stint in solitary at the zoo will do. We’ll review this case again in six months.

Tess is taken away.

The Master, Waldo, and Mayuri leave the building. Waldo is completely soaked.

wF: See, Masta... what did we tell you? Piece of cake!

MD: Waldo... that was really bad. I mean horrible. I’ve been in court cases with you before, but that was awful.

wF: Excuse me..? I think you’ll find we won. No thanks to you...Or you, wench!

MD: Yes—by her own attitude problem. You did nothing to help.

wF: Nonsense!

MD: No, Waldo. No thanks to you.

wF: We did help. It was all part of the plan. We made her overconfident...

MD: ...Whatever.

Season 3 continues in New Secretary