Witherfieldians

On the Council grounds, the Master and Waldo sit outside next to Kaz's burger van, waiting for lunch. As usual, they’re bickering over past events and accusing each other of various crimes.

wF: ...Another of the Masta's crimes. Knowingly put that innocent gnome in harm's way just to make Waldo jelly. Led to his death. To which the Masta responded by shirking his duties and going on holiday...

MD: Typical Waldo. Blaming others for his horrible crimes. That poor gnome did nothing. You are the one who killed Hugo! No one else...

wF: Hugo was a homewrecker. So Waldie became the gnomewrecker. No choice! It was justified—under Waldonian law! Next time maybe think about your actions... Speaking of which—

Waldo gestures to an irate man marching toward them. It’s Martin Platt.

Martin: Oi, Devlin! What’ve you done with our Gail, eh?

He punches the Master on the snout, knocking him off the bench before putting the boot in. The Master gets up.

MD: Ah, Martin. Widdle Frunkut can help you with that. He had her killed.

Martin socks the Master again.

Martin: Tryna make a fool of us, are you?

MD: Martin, will you stop that! You're mistaken!

Martin: No! I don’t want to! You killed our Gail... She may have looked like an old shoe but she was the mother of my gay son!

Martin pulls out a scalpel and attempts a tracheostomy. The Master calmly disarms him and suddenly grabs a teenage girl walking by.

MD: Here, have this 16-year-old.

Martin: ...

MD: Katy Harris. Meet Martin Platt. There... happy?

Martin: Yeah... yeah. Alright. Thanks!

MD: Just keep her away from sugar and she should be fine.

Suddenly the Master is punched by another man—it’s Tommy Harris.

Tommy: Oi, DEVLIN! What you doin’ with our Katy, eh? Tryna people-traffic my daughter, will ya?

Tommy punches the Master again in the gut. Katy then hits her father with a wrench. Waldo checks his pulse.

wF: He’s dead, Jim...

Kevin Webster appears, also holding a wrench.

Kevin: What’s all this then, eh?

The Master ushers Waldo over to prepare his knives. Waldo nods.

A wild Les Battersby appears.

Les: That’s the bastard that ran off with our Janice! I got first dibs on him!

Fred Elliot appears.

Fred: Now now, let’s all work together on this one, I say, I say... We’ve all got grievances with this dragon that can only be settled as gentlemen... through mortal kombat!

Norris Cole and Ken Barlow also appear, brandishing umbrellas, ready for combat.

Norris: Count me in!

Ken: And me too!

MD: Right, now easy lads. I’m sure you’re all roadmen, gangsters, proper naughty boys, and all that bollocks. But I come in peace. Now, I want no trouble here...

Fred: Well we come demanding satisfaction, sir. Now I say, I say—at my challenge, by the ancient laws of combat, we have met at this chosen ground to settle, for good and all, who holds sway over this city: us Witherfieldians, born rightwise to this fine land—or the foreign hordes defiling it. Folklore creatures and such filth, I say... Begone, foul men!

Les gets impatient.

Les: What’s with all this poncy talk? Let’s have him already!

Frakes suddenly beams into the confrontation and stands beside the Master.

Frakes: I’m sick of these limey pricks thinking they run the place... You have my phaser, Master Devlin.

Kaz: And my spatula, Boss!

Kaz Miller stands with Devlin and Frakes, flexing his robot arm.

MD: Well, gentlemen... before we do this, may I point something out? You’re all coming here accusing me of interfering with your women. I think you’ll find, in true Witherfield fashion, you’ve all been interfering with each other’s women.

The men all look around sheepishly, guilty and confused.

Fred: Nonsense! You have defiled my Audrey, I say!

MD: Not you, Fred. The rest of them. Especially Ken. And especially him!

The Master points to Mike Baldwin, standing nearby.

MD: He slept with Deirdre, Ken...

Ken: Deirdre’s dead! She died in prison—after you framed her!

MD: I did nothing of the sort. And I’ve never done anything to Audrey either. You’ve all been misled. Also, Martin was accused of sleeping with Sally Webster...

Martin: Oi! Objection! Irrelevant!

Kevin gives him a sideways scowl.

Hayley Cropper walks into the middle of the scene.

Hayley: For goodness' sake, what’s going on here? Stop this nonsense. This is not our way.

Les: Just in time, Harold. We’re gonna give the Master a good kicking. Could use a big strapping bloke like you! Did you know he was having it away with ol' Roy there?

Roy Cropper: N-n-n-now. Now. Now I-I-I d-don’t think there’s any need for that.

Les: Shut up, you stupid twat! Stay out of it.

Meanwhile, Waldo is pickpocketing the Witherfieldians.

MD: Frakes, why are they here? Why do they think I’ve interfered with their women?

Frakes: Because Waldo’s been telling them that for weeks...

wF: ...

MD: Huh... I assumed it was Ed.

Frakes: Not this time...

wF: Shut up, Frakes, you traitor... Uh... yeah it was. Ed did it...

MD: Waldo...

Everyone turns to glare at Waldo.

MD: What did you tell them?

wF: Um... We don’t recall... We may have told some tall tales to distract them... after... um... how you say... swindling them?

Norris: Oh yes, that’s right! Cheeky little bugger owes me £5,000. Said he’d fix my wall—used cheap materials. Whole thing collapsed!

Fred: That’s right. He’s a blooming cowboy builder, that one, I say...

Kevin: He conned our Tyrone out of his life savings. Fiz left him. Then he jumped in front of a train... but then Waldo said you were having an affair with our Sal... and I forgot all about Tyrone.

Unpleasant woman: My prawns were off! And when I told him, there was an argument!

A small lake of sweat has formed at Waldo’s feet. He looks like he’s been in a monsoon.

MD: Well... this just got interesting.

Frakes hands the Master a cigar.

MD: I can assure you gentlemen, this little green man has tricked you all. However, unfortunately he is my pupil so if you do choose to attack him, there will be a fight. So I suggest you all go your way.

The Master casually gives a small demonstration of his fiery breath. The Witherfieldians start to back away, slowly.

Fred: Seems we’ve had something of a miscommunication here, boys. Let us not shed blood needlessly, I say. Not until we’re in possession of all the facts... Let’s go, boys.

MD: Really, Fred? I’ve been punched and kicked for no reason. No possession of facts.

Fred: You suggested we move on... I intend to take that advice. Be thankful for that, I say.

MD: Don’t come here again.

Fred: We shall see...

The Witherfieldians reluctantly shuffle off and leave the Council campus—except for Les, who’s still standing, fuming.

Fred: Come along, Mr. Battersby.

Les reluctantly follows. Frakes holsters his phaser. Waldo gives a nervous smirk.

MD: Go clean yourself up, Waldo. You’re a disgrace. And you will stop spreading dangerous rumours about your Master.

wF: Sure thing, Stan... SsssssSSss...

Season 3 continues in Parole Hearing