Shamefur Dispray

The following takes place following: More Distractions

The Master goes to his office to get on with some paperwork.

The Master steps into his office to find Waldo sitting in his chair. Next to him, his paperwork has been mangled up with phlegm and bubble gum to construct some sort of miniature tower, approximately seven feet tall and touching the ceiling.

Master Devlin: Widdle Frunkut, what the hell is that?

wF: Waldo Tower! Also where the masta goes, so goes thy Waldo nation!

The Master takes a closer look at the tower.

Master Devlin: Good god Waldo, that is disgusting. There is so much phlegm.

wF: Yes, quite! We worked hard on it. Not that the masta would know anything about hard work. He's so lazy.

Master Devlin: Is that a fact?

wF: Yes. Here's another. The Masta isn't even really purple, but rather pink and just sits in the shade all the time. A fraud! Many such cases.

Master Devlin: That is an outrageous claim!

The Master faceplants Waldo into the slime tower, where Waldo struggles as he drowns in the phlegm. The Master holds Waldo's head in the slime until his wriggling ceases.

The Master lets go of Waldo as he falls to the ground.

The tower then collapses and splats on Waldo, creating a terrible mess.

wF: 😵...

Master Devlin: Oh dear...

The Master begins poking the dead goblin with a ruler.

Waldo continues to play dead for a few seconds before doing his classic "still alive" smirk.

Master Devlin: Hmph... Well, Waldo is actually black. He's just unwashed. It's the algae that makes him green.

wF: How dare you?? Vicious slander! We is a fine upstanding huh-wite goblin of good character. Just ask Sam!

Cut to The Editor and his invisible brother, the Co-Editor, watching from the window.

Editor: Waldo and the Master have returned to their old ways of swapping random insults and accusations at each other with occasional violence but without any narrative or overarching plots. The other characters feel left out and unsure of their purpose.

Co-Editor: Well they can get used to it. This is another bottle episode where Waldo and the Master just have a disagreement in his office.

Editor: Excellent.

wF: Now let us talk about the Masta's Ugandan heritage!

The Master sighs.

Master Devlin: Sure. We can throw in his samurai clan heritage too... I imagine he also has Māori descendants?

wF: Ha! We knew it... And Javanese also!

Master Devlin: Whatever man, declare the Master as full Chinese for all I care. Douche bag.

wF: He's a Javanese dancer!

Master Devlin: Oh really. Well then how about this...

The Master pulls out his phone and plays a clip of the Javanese dancers’ tune and animation from DK's My First Amazing World Explorer 2.0. The tune and the movements of the dancers are like nails on a chalkboard for Waldo. He hisses and recoils in pain and disgust.

Ed likewise tenses up in discomfort and looks at his brother with contempt.

Master Devlin: You asked for that.

wF: You've gone too far Stan! The Geneva Convention prohibits the use of such psychological warfare.

Master Devlin: The Geneva doesn’t operate in these parts.

wF: Well it's still a war crime. The Masta was Rasputin's gay lover!

Master Devlin: That is absolute horse shit.

wF: It's just the facts, ma'am. Indisputable.

Master Devlin: Waldo decided to say that to justify his impulsive shooting of Rasputin.

wF: Well the Master grieved for him.

Master Devlin: Sure... He got on with paperwork. But why not? Waldo’s assassination of Rasputin made the Master extra busy.

wF: The masta can't even write. He's an illiterate dragon with a brain the size of an acorn. Which has rotted due to his gold addiction.

Master Devlin: How dare you Widdle Frunkut?

The Master backhands Waldo. Waldo bares his fangs and hisses.

Master Devlin: THE TEETH! How dare you?!

wF: How dare you, sir!

Master Devlin: No. How dare you?

wF: How dare you more...

Master Devlin: Excuse me?

wF: You heard! Also... no... This was not a boating accident.

Master Devlin: Course it was. Happens all the time.

wF: So does the wee mistakes in the masta’s pants.

Master Devlin: 😠... BATTLE!

wF: Nah. Not worth Waldo's time.

Master Devlin: Coward. Well anyway, that's just bum phlegm, not shit. Harmless bottom syrup.

wF: Yes well fortunately the factory was shut down and no more innocent Waldonians will be poisoned by such vile syrup.

Master Devlin: I feel it is necessary you try the new Dragon Brand butter. You were one of the original samplers.

wF: In the immortal words of Frakes... Not a chance.

The Master farts in Waldo’s face.

wF: Pfft. 3/10. 3.6 tops.

Master Devlin: Why don't you support the Master in his ventures?

wF: Cause he's a creep and a nonce.

Master Devlin: No he's not! You take that back! He's made an honest food production company and Waldo has just criticised. Is it jealousy? Is it because Goblin Brand was a failure?

wF: Not a failure.

Master Devlin: No?

wF: No. Still going strong—unlike DB. Which was shut down by the health inspector.

Master Devlin: Waldo framed the Master. He poisoned people then blamed it on the Master. Absolutely outrageous.

wF: Yes well. The masta had to be stopped so the end justified the means. The people of Widdlington can sleep safely now that DB is out of business. The sacrifice of the poisoned is noted.

Master Devlin: Goblin Brand kills thousands every year!

wF: Yes but at least it's with real poisons. Traditional poisons. Not faeces.

Master Devlin: Waldo puts pureed people in his poisons. There's surely bound to be some faeces in there somewhere.

wF: That's different.

Master Devlin: Why’s it different? Explain yourself.

wF: No! Waldo never has to explain nothing! That’s Waldo's name up there next to the pepper steak and don't you forget it!

Master Devlin: What pepper steak? What are you talking about? Would Waldo even like the taste of a pepper steak?

wF: Absolutely not. Waldo isn't even sure what a pepper steak is. He just heard it on that television show that one time. What of it? Anyway, why can't you just support Waldo instead of antagonising us? Explain yourself, pedo guy.

Master Devlin: Support him with what? He doesn't do anything. He just causes chaos.

wF: Why not support the chaos? The Masta needs to be loyal to Wiffuhuh.

Master Devlin: Are you insane? If Waldo poisons a school, am I supposed to just say Waldo is just being a scamp??

wF: Yes! Goblins will be goblins and all that. Life mates should be a united front.

Master Devlin: I cannot allow this.

wF: Why not? You pollute.

Master Devlin: You are so insulting.

wF: Wrong. You are so insulating. A Vulgon dragon—oh I’m sorry, a Forktail wyvern hybrid. Of a diverse range of heritages and nationalities. Transcontinental and transgender!

The Master, in a rage, grabs Waldo and carries him to the bathroom, throws him in the toilet bowl, sits down and takes a diarrhoea dump on top of him. Upon flushing him away, the Master steps out of the bathroom. Ed is staring at him with disgust.

Master Devlin: What do you want Ed?

Ed: What you just did violates the rules of engagement. The Javanese dancers were already a serious breach but that... We had to hear all of that... Unacceptable.

The Master sniggers.

Ed snaps his fingers and the Master suddenly finds himself in the Council Sanctum before a tribunal.

Master Robert: Where was I? Uh... Oh... Yes. Master Devlin, this council has been made aware of your... unsportsmanlike, undignified and frankly bizarre behaviour which is unbecoming of a member of this Council.

Master Donn: What did I tell ya? I never liked him. Very very disrespectful...

Master Dick: Master Devlin, you have brought shame on this institution!

Master Ron: It is very regrettable. May Ed have mercy on your soul...

Master Van Lewin: You have demonstrated questionable judgement for sure. You will receive a formal warning for bad conduct and be fined £7000. In addition, you are demoted to the rank of Council Gardener for seven weeks. You will report to the Head Janitor for your gardening duties on Monday morning. That will be all...

Master Devlin: Whatever, make it ten, you douche bag.

Master Van Lewin: Fine. Ten it is.

Master Devlin: I'll take the suspension instead.

Master Robert: No. You will accept your new position. Or look for new employment.

Master Devlin: Yes. I have accrued a number of holidays which I will be taking now. I'm going to Turks and Caicos.

Master Ron: No Master Devlin, you have already gone three times this year...

Master Devlin: Go have a lie down, Ron.

Mayuri appears.

Mayuri: Senpai! I'm surprised at you!

Master Devlin: Oh what now?

Mayuri: I was preparing chicken tenders when I heard those awful sounds. That was very obscene. It's the talk of the town... Such a shamefur dispray!

Master Devlin: I needed a dump. It's not my fault. Waldo must've put a megaphone in my bathroom.

Mayuri: Don't lie to me Senpai... I know you did it intentionally to horrify Goberin-san... The poor thing is recovering in the infirmary. He got the worst of it but we all heard it.

Master Robert: Indeed. Every building in the council got the full blast coming over the Council Tannoy. It was... horrendous.

Master Devlin: But I didn't...

Mayuri: Horrible... just horrible!

Mayuri storms off.

Travers: You really are a shithead, Stanielson... The Master turns round and Travers appears with his cigar from behind the water-cooler.

Travers: Now you have a taste of how I felt when I was publicly disgraced. A national treasure's fall from grace... And now you... a respected pillar of the community... Caught out as a toilet fiend.

Master Devlin: I've already been publicly disgraced before... by you. Anyway, I'm off on holiday.

Travers: Oh... Can I come?

Master Devlin: Sure... You can sample the local girls.

Travers: Well alright! See I knew we'd be best of friends.

Master Devlin: Indeed. Well come along.

The Master grabs Travers in his giant talons like an eagle and flies off, straight out the Sanctum window.

Travers: Let's swing by the house so I can leave May a note. We can throw it through the window.

The Master throws Travers through the window of the Walvers Cottage.

Master Devlin: Hurry up and tell your wife.

A dazed Travers gets up and looks around.

Travers: She's not home yet. Let's go before she comes back.

Travers leaves a note and hops back on Devlin's back. They fly off to Turks & Caicos.

Season 4 continues in Turks & Caicos: Part One