Damage Control

The following takes place following: Creative Differences

Arriving at the infirmary, Master Devlin and Waldo find Goblin Slayer in a heated exchange with the head nurse. He’s wearing a hospital gown but still has his helmet on.

Goblin Slayer: I’m fine. I have work to do.

Nurse Matron: You, sir, can barely stand upright, let alone march into battle. Back into bed with you this instant. You’re not going anywhere until I say so.

Goblin Slayer: I’ve had worse.

Nurse Matron: And if you keep carrying on like this, you’ll have worse again—under my watch. Now lie down before I fetch the restraints. We’ve lost enough fools to pride.

Frakes strides in and stands next to the Master.

Frakes: Master Devlin… You missed your war meeting. It’s fact.

He sniffs the air.

Frakes: Why does it smell like farts and shame in here?

Dr. Crusher: Will… um, I mean, Jonathan, this area is for patients and staff only...

Frakes: That’s false. You made it up.

Frakes lies down on an empty infirmary bed and pulls out the latest issue of Playpen magazine. Misato Katsuragi is on the cover.

Dr. Crusher: You can’t stay here... I need that bed!

Frakes ignores her, turning the magazine on its side to study the centrefold.

Master Devlin: Doctor, it’s fine. I’ll have the meeting here...

The Master has the war room briefing hastily relocated to the infirmary so Goblin Slayer and Revy can be present. A planning board is wheeled in, featuring a detailed map of Widdlington, divided into current territories, with pinned photographs of the main warlords and key players.

Also in attendance are Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, Mr. Boothe, and Mr. Konrad. Waldo loiters near the edge of the room, showing little interest. Frakes and Dr. Crusher are also still present.

Master Devlin: So, where are we in terms of gaining ground? Have we made any progress into Von Hildendorf’s territory? I agree with Goblin Slayer — we should free their slaves and bring them into the revolution.

Everyone looks around awkwardly, unwilling to speak first. The Master notices Ed at the back of the room, scowling at him and slowly shaking his head in disgust. The Master tries to ignore him.

Master Devlin: Well?

Wesley: Well, um... it’s rather difficult to say, exactly.

He points to spots on the map.

Wesley: We’ve had to make tactical retreats here and here... temporarily, of course. Also here, here... here and here...

Master Devlin: Good lord. Anywhere else?

Wesley: As a matter of fact, yes. The Battle of Warburton was quite costly, I’m afraid. Any inroads into Widdicombe have been pushed back. We’re barely holding onto this section of Waverly Hills, I’m afraid.

The Master rubs his temples.

Wesley: And of course, now two of our greatest warriors are out of commission. As for gains... well, these things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.

The Master notices Waldo pickpocketing Mr. Boothe.

Wesley: The good news is that we have more weapons and ammunition now, thanks to your scavenger hunt. But we’re short on manpower...

Master Devlin: Right.

Wesley: Perhaps you might inspire your cult following to take up arms? There’s only a hundred or so, but they’re taking up room here and refusing to fight. Apparently, they’re pacifists — opting for prayer and animal sacrifice to get what they want.

Mr. Konrad: We tried to have them removed, but um... Mr. Travers stepped in and made quite a fuss about refugee rights, religious freedom and such. They currently leave generous offerings of food and women at his bedroom door in exchange for his advocacy. Though, of course, he hasn’t been seen in a few days...

Konrad nods toward Waldo, now in the corner pocketing surgical tools.

Master Devlin: WIDDLE FRUNKUT! Will you pay attention!?

Waldo drops his loot and hisses at the Master. He then scurries under Revy’s gown as she sits at the end of her bed.

Master Devlin: Warlord, huh?

wF: Dats rite!

He hisses again.

Master Devlin: Well, we aren’t going to rush into battle. We’ll wait until Revy and GS are fit. And even if we convince the cultists, we’ll need to train them for combat. Otherwise, they’re cannon fodder...

Wesley: Well, they’d at least provide a useful distraction.

Master Devlin: ...So it’ll need to be guerrilla warfare. Small gains for now. I’d say I’d go speak with Tess, but she hates me.

Wesley: Well, you did have her imprisoned in a zoo...

Master Devlin: Yes, well—she was being a nuisance.

Wesley: Quite. Anyway, I’ve been trying to convince Master Miller to become a mercenary again. This sort of warfare is his specialty. Yet he seems only concerned with burgers. Is he damaged?

Master Devlin: He’s not been right for a while. Not since we lost Masterbase.

Wesley: Survivor’s guilt, perhaps?

Master Devlin: I’ll have a word. I was there too. We both barely escaped...

Wesley: I see. And... how are you? Do you have trauma you wish to share? You're among friends here.

Master Devlin: Umm... I’m fine. Thank you.

The Master hides that he has PTSD.

wF: HA! GAAAAY! Look at pizza man, he has the shellshocks. Look at him squirm... No belly for warfare, that one!

Master Devlin: 😡

Revy gives Waldo a light smack on the back of the head, then winces in pain.

wF: Hey! What’s the big idea?

Revy: You’re being an asshole.

wF: Ooh, issat so? Well how about this?

Waldo pulls out his goblin-brand switchblade, hops up on the bed, and stabs her in the gut. The room gasps.

Master Devlin: WALDO!!!

Waldo cackles maniacally, then bolts — scurrying past the stunned onlookers and out of the infirmary, reminiscent of the chestburster scene in Alien.

Revy: Ah... shit... MEDIC!

Crusher rushes to her aid, pulling out her medical tricorder to scan.

Dr. Crusher: It’s alright. It missed your organs. We’ll have this stitched up in no time.

Master Devlin: Are you alright, Revy?

Revy: Yeah. Just a scratch... Wait till I get my hands on him. I’m gonna kick his little green ass.

Master Devlin: Well, firstly, I think Waldo should be removed from power.

Mr. Konrad: I’m afraid it’s not that simple. There are, uh... a few provisos. A couple of quid pro quos. Mr. Waldo’s dictatorship is enshrined in law.

Master Devlin: Laws can be changed. Did you all not see what just happened?

Wesley: A pre-marital spat? We can’t just go changing the law when we don’t like it. That would be unethical, surely?

Master Devlin: Who made the law? Waldo?? Why did you all just go along with it?

Everyone looks at each other sheepishly.

Master Devlin: Good lord. You’ve all been swindled.

Mr. Konrad: It was a very difficult time for everyone. The people needed hope. A leader...

Master Devlin: Has he provided hope?

Wesley: Well... Rome wasn’t built in a day. These things take time.

Master Devlin: Shut up, Wesley.

Dr. Crusher: Shut up, Wesley?

The Master gives her a sharp stare.

Master Devlin: It looks like he hasn’t done anything other than sleaze...

Frakes: We have this mansion. Warlord Waldo gave us sanctuary. We’re guests in this house. How about a bit of respect to our benefactor?

Master Devlin: The real owners are dead in a closet in Waldo’s entertainment room. Go get a chemical burger, Frakes. You’re not helping.

Frakes: Speaking of dead...

Frakes nods to the door as an officer hurries into the infirmary.

Officer: Mr. Wyndam-Pryce!

He stops to salute.

Wesley: What is it?

Officer: I’m afraid we found a body, sir...

Wesley: Where?

Officer: In a shallow grave on the east side of the mansion. The dogs found it.

Wesley: Good lord. Do we know who it is?

Officer: ...Captain Katsuragi, sir...

The Master looks toward the back of the room. Ed nods and gives a mischievous smirk.

Season 5 continues in Side Effects May Include ...Murder