Traverscast

The following takes place following: Return of the Mayor

Master Devlin: So, Mayor Travers... what are you going to do now?

Travers: I think I’m going to watch my latest speech again! Mr Boothe, the TV—if you please.

Master Devlin: Really? Again?

Travers: Absolutely.

The Master shakes his head in despair. They begin watching the speech. Travers mouths along with it, grinning with unmistakable satisfaction.

Travers: Moustache looks real good... Yes sir, hell of a speech. You know, I should do more speeches! Maybe one every day...

Master Devlin: Hrmmm. Perhaps you should do one in Widdicombe.

Travers: Are you kidding? That place is a dump...

Master Devlin: Precisely. The plague has devastated it. So, what are you going to do about it?

Travers: In time, Master Devlin. All in good time... You know, I’ll tell you what this speech would look good on— a 700-inch ultra HD TV, mounted on each side of the Citadel. That way, in future, I could address not only the unfortunate people of Widdicombe, but the entire city remotely!

Master Devlin: That sounds incredibly wasteful...

Travers: Hmm. You have a point. Better make them 8K TVs! I want every single hair on my finely groomed moustache to be visible from Walver Lake! Waldonians deserve it after all the trauma they’ve suffered lately...

Master Devlin: Unfortunately, there’s no money in the budget for these large TVs. Need I remind you of your recent ‘spending’... Mr Mayor?

Travers: Well, I imagine the situation has changed. We’ve got far fewer old and sickly people to look after—less welfare and pensions to pay! Most of Witherfield were scroungers anyway... Plus, Mr Konrad isn’t currently drawing a wage either. But if you're really so eager to cut spending, why don’t you volunteer to take a pay cut?

Master Devlin: I don’t actually get paid for this job, Travers. My income comes from the Masters Council... (muttering) —to keep an eye on you...

Travers: Oh! Well, there you go. We’re making savings already! And this isn't about indulging my... habits. It’s about boosting the morale of the city. Surely we can find the money somewhere... Otherwise, poor Mrs Mayor will likely have to hit the streets again. I'm sure plenty of men out there would pay handsomely to get an oil change from the First Lady of Widdlington... You don’t want that, do you, Master Devlin?

Mayuri, who has been quietly knitting in the corner, looks up in horror—then sinks into guilt and shame.

Master Devlin: You really are a despicable creature, Travers. You don’t deserve your wife.

Travers: Yet you married us.

Master Devlin: Don’t remind me. But fine—we’ll try to scavenge money from somewhere. Just be prepared to make some sacrifices.

Travers: Oh, I’m prepared. I was prepared to have my wife go out on the game!

Master Devlin: Let me be absolutely clear,

Travers: if you put Mayuri out on the streets just to fund a giant TV constantly showing your face, I will resign as your Chief of Staff.

Travers: Nooo, Master Devlin, you fret out of turn... I’m only joking, of course. Why so serious? But seriously... I would like the big TVs.

Master Devlin: I’m never quite sure with you, Travers. You’re completely insane.

Travers: Thank you! I do try. They say all the most successful people are psychopaths, after all.

Master Devlin: Anyway, I’ll try to organise something, but it might not be exactly what you’re looking for. I think we need to improve your image. I'm not sure a wall of TVs broadcasting your face is going to win the public over. Look at the results from this recent survey:

Do you know who the mayor of Widdlington is?

Yes - 24%

No - 51%

And 25% Asked “What is a mayor?”

Travers: Hmmm. Waldonians... Gotta love ’em. Hell, if it weren’t me, I wouldn’t even know who the mayor was either. But you raise a good point... I think what you’re saying is that we need many, many TV screens—all over town!

Master Devlin: That is absolutely not what I’m saying...

Travers: I can see it now... A large screen in every district. Every government building. With Travers on every station! TRAVERSCAST, 24 hours a day! Surely then they’ll know their mayor!

Master Devlin: If they have no way to escape you on their screens, the citizens will get sick of you very quickly. We want them to like you—not loathe you. This “national treasure” self-proclamation isn’t going to cut it. You’ll have to win them over. How about a few billboards with your face instead? Much more economical.

Travers: Well, I like the billboards idea... but it doesn’t go far enough, in my opinion. Mayor Travers deserves to be experienced in full 8K, audio-visual glory...

Master Devlin sighs loudly.

Travers: Alright, alright—compromise! Let’s do a pilot run. We pick one area and install a few screens around the neighbourhood. See how the citizens respond. Yes, that’s a good idea... Now, where to start...? Hmm...

Travers glances at Mayuri, who sits motionless, lost in thought.

Travers: How about Little Akiba! Mrs Travers’ old stomping ground...

Mayuri: Really?

Travers: Sure! The Japanese love big screens! Especially Japanese Waldonians. We’ll even put Mrs Travers on the screen sometimes too—just to warm them up. What do you say, Mrs Travers?

Mayuri: Okay... I guess... I suppose I can do some origami and show off my new cosplay outfits! 😊 Tu tu ru!

Travers: As long as you're talking about how great their glorious leader Travers is, you can do it naked while brandishing a hosepipe for all I care...But just remember, you're the warm-up act. Travers is the star attraction. As it should be.

Mayuri: 🙄

Travers: And another thing... this town hall office is quaint and all, but I feel far too close to the ground. A mayor should be more... elevated. There’s a perfectly good citadel just up the road going to waste. I want a penthouse office among the clouds. And it’ll make it harder for those yokels on the ground to just stroll in here! Mr. Boothe—begin the renovations immediately.

Mr. Boothe nods and starts to leave.

Travers: Wait—Mr. Boothe! On second thought, the mayor should really be based in Waldobury. In fact, there's a long-established tradition of the mayor's office being here.

Master Devlin: Well, actually, Travers, up until about 20 years ago, the mayor's office was in the old town hall—in Wallywood.

Travers: Quit living in the past, Master Devlin! Travers thinks in the future! ...So—let’s move the citadel down here instead. We’ll knock down the abandoned council building and put it there. Master Devlin, draft a press release. Let the residents of Widdecombe and Waldobury know there’ll be some minor disruptions.

Master Devlin: Right...So let me get this straight, Travers... you want to relocate a 1,700-foot skyscraper half a mile across the city... Just it's so it’s officially in Waldobury instead of Widdicombe?

Travers: Exactly! The best of both worlds!

Master Devlin: ...Good lord.

Devlin facepalms, speechless.

Season 6 continues in Planning Permission