Swine Flu

The following takes place following: The Running Mate

"And we have some breaking news for you now on WBC. David Platt has confirmed he will stand in the mayoral election following his mother, Gail Platt’s hospitalization from a suspected overdose. This comes just days after his sister, Sarah-Louise Platt, publicly backed Gail’s opponent, Harris Travers. With this latest development, the race for Widdlington’s next mayor continues to evolve."

Travers: C’MON!? Are you kidding me? Another one?? What is it with this family? This is completely out of turn, Master Devlin—I won’t stand for it…

Master Devlin: Take a seat, then.

Travers sits down.

Travers: This doesn’t feel any better. What are we going to do about him?

Master Devlin: Well the good news is that David is also very unstable from what I hear. Ever since his rape...

Travers: Rape, huh? He looks so... unwashed... Does he have aids??

Master Devlin: I heard he has super aids. So you should avoid shooting him.

Travers: Super aids, huh... Perhaps we can use that to attack him...Waldonians aren't exactly known for their tolerance... Although I'm getting pretty tired of all this. Maybe more drastic measures are in order. How about we give him a cold or something? Bird flu perhaps? You could bump into him with a needle.

Master Devlin: I don’t know if that will work. Perhaps swine flu?

Travers: Sure, why not… Do you have any?

Master Devlin: I’ll need to speak to Widdle Frunkut about that.

Travers: Hmm. Is it wise to involve him in our affairs? He’s hardly trustworthy. Pure chaos, in fact.

Master Devlin: What happened to him being an upstanding white goblin of good character?

Travers: What happened? Experience! That’s what happened. I’ve heard all about his insane shenanigans. Quite frankly, I never care to meet WF—no matter how highly Sammy speaks of him…

Master Devlin: Well, in any case, he did make me a vial of GB bird flu once—no questions asked. We used it to infect Reg in Antarctica. I’m sure he can make some swine flu if I ask. But it’s likely going to be… potent. The question is, this isn’t just good old political slander. This is potentially murder. Do you really want to go down that road?

Travers: Well, Master Devlin… The fact of the matter is, one person’s already dead, and another might as well be dead as a result of this campaign. What difference does another make? I’m a pragmatic goblin, and politics is a dirty business.

Besides, there’s more at stake than just my political ambitions. This is the future of Waldonia we’re talking about! You said the boy has health issues—he’s obviously not long for this world. You call it murder, I call it a kindness. We’re simply hastening the troubled boy’s passing.

Master Devlin: …Very well. I’ll get to it, then.

Travers nods, picks up his Playpen magazine, and begins to study the contents intently.

****

The Master leaves the Walvers residence and heads across the Council grounds to Waldo’s dumpster. He kicks the side.

Master Devlin: WIDDLE FRUNKUT!!! GET OUT HERE.

wF: Go away… No one's home!

He lifts the lid to find Waldo, wearing pajamas, dozing amongst the trash. He glances back at the cottage in the distance for a moment, then back at the goblin with an amused smirk. He had no idea how the goblin had gotten here from the cottage and changed from Travers to Waldo so quickly. However, at this point, he frankly didn’t care—he simply accepted it. His assumption that Waldo would be here was correct, and that brought him some satisfaction. But now, it was time to get on with business.

The Master shakes the dumpster violently.

Master Devlin: WAKE UP, WALDO!

wF: Hey, what’s the big idea…? Oh—hi, masta! What are you doing here? Did they kick you out of the house? Come to live wiffuhuh, eh? Very well then—just don’t hog all the trash.

Waldo pulls a greasy fish supper paper wrapping over himself like a blanket and proceeds to snooze.

The Master kicks the dumpster again.

Master Devlin: Wake up!

wF: What??

Master Devlin: I need you to synthesize me some swine flu. Non-contagious.

wF: We’re closed! You’ll have to return during opening hours…

Master Devlin: No, Waldo. Now.

wF: Fine. 70 bucks…

Master Devlin: I don’t think so.

The Master points to the construction work going on at his office window and the wall of the main building.

wF: Irrelevant!

Master Devlin: You owe me.

wF: Fine then—make it £7…

Master Devlin: No. Make the swine flu for me, and I’ll consider your debt paid. Believe me—the repairs cost a lot more than 70… or 7, for that matter.

wF: Debt schmett. Good night!

Master Devlin: It’s four in the afternoon, you work-shy arsehole…

wF: Fine… Here—have a nickel.

The Master flicks a coin at Waldo.

wF: Thanks!

Master Devlin: In fact, here—have a shilling too.

wF: Thanks very much, sir! Appreciate the contribution… One swine flu coming right up!

Waldo rummages around in the trash and pulls out his chemistry set and collection of poisons.

Master Devlin: This may interest you… It’s for David Platt, by the way. Gail’s son. Awful.

wF: Oooh—issats? Excellent! Let’s see… Swine flu… Ah! Here we are! This’ll do the job!

Waldo carelessly chucks the vial at the Master, who catches it nervously.

Master Devlin: Hmmm… Thank you, Widdle Frunkut. It’s an odd colour.

wF: Personal touch! Goblin Brand colour. If you get caught with that…

Waldo pauses, questions what he’s saying, then shrugs.

The Master pulls out a pocket Geiger counter and points it at the vial. It begins to crackle, then suddenly starts smoking.

Master Devlin: Oh dear.

wF: Oh yeah—it’ll make that sound if you use that thing. Best turn it off—makes us nervous…

Master Devlin: Don’t worry—it’s broken. Also, as a dragon, it doesn’t affect me much anyway.

wF: Yeah—me neither. Just don’t like the sound. Makes us feel all fizzy. Big ears, y’see—more sensitive. You dig?

Master Devlin: Um… Sure…

wF: So… Travers man is running for mayor, eh?

Master Devlin: Apparently.

wF: And Barry Scott too? My my…

Master Devlin: Barry is dead.

wF: Oh? Shot, was he?

Master Devlin: No, he… Um. Actually, yes. How did you know?

wF: Didn’t. Just assumed.

Master Devlin: Gail Platt was his running mate and took over. Then she OD’d. In a coma.

wF: Ah. Good. Good…

Master Devlin: Now her son is challenging Travers. Hence the swine flu… So, can we count on your vote?

wF: Afraid not, sir. Never registered.

Master Devlin: Oh. Anyway—I’ll leave you to it. Thank you, Widdle Frunkut.

wF: To what? We don’t do much these days—not since we were robbed of warlord status…

Master Devlin: Oh… Um… Would you care to come to Travers’ house for a visit?

wF: Sure! Never met Travers man…

Master Devlin: No—I don’t expect you will have.

In an instant, Waldo changes from his pajamas into his day clothes. He pulls his favourite knife out of the trash and hops out of the dumpster.

Master Devlin: Do you really need that?

wF: Of course. Never leave home without it!

Waldo perches on the Master’s shoulder.

Master Devlin: What are you doing up there?

wF: Perching. You can walk. We is too tired.

Master Devlin: Hrrmm. Fine.

****

The Master arrives back at the Cottage to find Mayuri doing housework.

Master Devlin: Hello, Mayuri. Look, I've brought Widdle Frunkut...

Mayuri: Goberin-san! My love! Welcome home! I've missed you!

She hugs him tight like a teddy bear.

wF: Um... Hello!

Master Devlin: When was he last home?

Mayuri: Oh it's been several few days!

Waldo looks around, confused.

wF: Saso... You say yousa taking is to the Travers residence 🤔 but this is the Waldo residence? Yousa bein tricksy and false! As per usual.

Master Devlin: Oh Widdle Frunkut, I have no time to entertain your psychosis today. Also need I remind you this is council property. I just brought you here to see if Mayuri will give you some proper food and a bath before you return to your dumpster.

The Master spots Mr Boothe sitting on the settee with a cup of tea.

Master Devlin: Ah, Mr Boothe, a moment please...

The Master leaves Waldo with Mayuri and walks over to have an inaudible conversation with Mr Boothe. He hands him the vial of Goblin Brand Swine Flu. Mr Boothe quietly departs.

Master Devlin: Now... Mayuri, would you kindly make us some food and I’ll put Widdle Frunkut in the bath.

Mayuri: Sure thing, senpai!

The Master picks up Waldo by his toes and carries him upstairs. Waldo wriggles and tries to escape.

wF: Unhand me, Stankee!

The Master runs a bath and tosses Waldo in. The water instantly turns greenish-brown and fumes rise up, making the Master woozy.

Master Devlin: Oh dear.

He reaches in to grab a sponge, but the bathwater burns his arm. He drains it and switches to the shower instead, roughly scrubbing Waldo with a bar of soap🧽. Waldo struggles like a furious cat as layers of dead skin peel off.

wF: 😾

Soon, the Master dresses Waldo in his tuxedo and monocle and brings him down for dinner.

Master Devlin: Mayuri, Goberin-san is now clean...

Mayuri: Oh my goodness! You look wonderful, Goberin-san! So clean and handsome!

wF: Uh huh...

Waldo clears his throat, then opens his tux and spits inside. A piece of mouldy cheese is hanging from the inside pocket of his clean jacket.

The Master and Mayuri wince in disgust.

Mayuri: Really, husband... Can't you try to be a bit less vile? Must you ruin everything?

Waldo pulls a bottle of booze from another pocket and starts knocking it back. A five o'clock shadow instantly appears and his crisp white shirt turns green.

Master Devlin: Good lord...

Waldo begins drunkenly singing Irish ditties before vomiting all over the dinner table.

Mayuri looks about to snap, but stops herself. She closes her eyes and does the Catholic cross thing like Maggie McFly in Back to the Future III.

Ed: She's Catholic now, for some reason.

Cody: Waldo is Irish now.

Ed: Ooh, just like your pet dragon, eh?

Cody: 🤨

Master Devlin: Alright, that’s enough. Waldo, go home!

wF: Excuse me? How rude! Invite Wiffuhuh for dinner, then kick us out…

The Master grabs Waldo, carries him to the front door, and delivers a hard kick. Waldo is sent soaring across the campus grounds, tumbling through the air before crashing into a dumpster. The lid slams shut with a final, decisive clang.

Season 6 continues in Scenes from a Waldoverse Marriage