Scenes from a Waldoverse Marriage

The following takes place following: Swine Flu

The Master returns to the Walvers residence after work. Mayuri is at the sink, washing dishes. She's clearly upset and frustrated about something but tyring to hold it in.

Master Devlin: Mayuri, are you alright?

Mayuri: I'm okay, Senpai.

Master Devlin: I must apologise for Waldo’s behaviour last night. He can be quite horrid.

Mayuri: I'm sorry too. It's just... why must they both be so difficult? Travers-san and his sleaze… Goberin-san and his madness and filth, always ruining everything. I feel like I'm stuck with two husbands—both at their worst. The good parts seem gone.

Master Devlin: Shall I have them both removed? Give you some time to yourself?

Mayuri: I don't know if that would help... Sometimes I worry I'll end up like Grandmum—wicked and cruel. I just want them to be how they used to be. But maybe they were always like this. Maybe I just didn’t see it.

Master Devlin: They’ve always been this way. I’ve known them both a very long time.

Mayuri: Travers-san used to be faithful, at least... Ever since the world went dark, he’s been off with every hussy in town. Though I suppose I have no right to complain.

Master Devlin: Might I ask… are you and Travers still intimate?

Mayuri: Travers-san says he’s too tired from all the campaigning. But he’s always going to see that Chantelle. He says it’s just campaign business, but I don’t believe him. And then there’s the Platt girl… not to mention all the women in the mansion before. I tolerated it then—those were extreme circumstances—but I was hoping that would be the end of it.

Master Devlin: It’s alright. I’m going to have a word with Travers. Someone has to. Do you know where he is?

Mayuri: He’ll be at the club again, probably.

Master Devlin: Right. Okay. I’ll talk to him—properly. Don’t worry.

****

The Master marches up to the Sass Hole in South Wallywood and storms through the door. The imaginary Waldoverse camera stays outside. Muffled shouting and crashing can be heard inside.

After a moment, the door flies open. The Master emerges, dragging Travers out by the collar, and throws him into the street. Travers is clearly drunk, his moustache twitching. His shirt is ripped open, his trousers down around his ankles, revealing love-heart underwear. Chantelle peeks nervously from behind the door.

Master Devlin: You really are a disgusting creature, Travers.

Travers: Nooo, Master Devlin... you're speaking out of turn... you've got the wrong idea... I was—I was just doing her a favour...

Master Devlin: You were inside Chantelle, Travers.

Travers: Well, you see, um... well the thing is... I mean, I tripped... yeah... and uh—

Master Devlin: Mayuri knows.

Travers: No... you're speaking out of turn... that's impossible.

Master Devlin: She told me. She’s known for a while.

Travers: ...How?

Master Devlin: You’re hardly subtle. She knows about Sarah Platt as well.

Travers: It’s not my fault, Master Devlin. I couldn’t help myself. It’s the whole politician thing—it’s gone to my head...

Master Devlin: Mayuri has been a good, obedient wife until now. She hasn’t asked questions. She’s just got on with things. But now she’s had enough. As your Director of Communications, you need to unfuck this.

Travers: Wait—she's not going to the press, is she? You have to stop her!

Master Devlin: What? No! I don’t think so.

Travers: Oh, thank Ed. I was worried there...

Master Devlin: Have you learned nothing?

Travers: It’s her fault, y’know... Barely a few months into marriage—goodbye oil changes! I’m a goblin, Master Devlin. I have needs. The oil must be changed! It’s imperative! But no...

Master Devlin: It’s not her fault. She stopped being intimate because you were getting your oil changes elsewhere. I think I know the problem, though. And you need to tell Mayuri...

Travers: What’s the problem you know?

Master Devlin: That you’re a sex addict, Travers. You can’t help yourself. You need treatment. Mayuri needs to hear that.

Travers: Nooo, Master Devlin, you are— Wait... So you’re saying it’s not my fault? That I’m the victim here? That’s good! That’s really good! You’re much smarter than you look, Master Devlin. It’s basically true too, which makes it even better...

Master Devlin: Hrmmm.... Fine. Then go explain it to her. And get some help.

Travers: I will! I’m going to march down there and tell her right now!

Travers scampers off down the street at high speed, trousers still around his ankles. The Master watches him go, unamused.

****

15 minutes later...

The Master returns to the Walvers residence. He finds Travers sitting on the lawn, locked out and covered in a pile of clothes. From inside, angry Japanese gibberish and the sound of smashing can be heard. A large framed portrait of Travers is hurled from the window and lands on top of him.

Master Devlin: What the hell did you do, Travers?

Pile of Clothes: I told her... She didn’t take it how I’d hoped.

Master Devlin: Oh dear. Told her what, exactly? I’m concerned you spoke out of turn.

Pile of Clothes: I told her none of this was my fault. And that she needed to start changing my oil again, or someone else would...

Master Devlin: God damn it, Travers. You’ve handled this like a complete arsehole.

Travers: What?! Are you out of your fucking mind? You told me to say that stuff! This is your fault!

Master Devlin: Just... shut up and stay here. I’ll go speak to her.

The Master quietly lets himself in and gently interrupts Mayuri as she tears up Travers’ collection of nude magazines.

Master Devlin: Umm. Mayuri? It’s me, Steven.

Mayuri: Steven?? Oh, it’s you, Senpai.

Master Devlin: Sorry, yes. How are you?

Mayuri: I’m… I’m angry, Senpai. I don’t normally get like this, but I believe you call it anger.

Master Devlin: Yes. This is called anger.

Mayuri: It’s quite liberating...

She throws a magazine across the room.

Mayuri: You know he said this was all my fault? That I was a poor wife. That I’ve neglected my duties and that he’s the victim.

Master Devlin: I see. Did he say anything else?

Mayuri: Yes. He said my “hysterics” were threatening his campaign and that I had no right to be mad about him going elsewhere. Then he brought up my amnesiac period. Said a whore like me should be more grateful. That I should be honoured to change the oil of a national treasure.

Master Devlin: Harris can be quite a rotten man.

Mayuri: And he told me this was all your idea… since you’re his Director of Communications.

Master Devlin: …

Mayuri: Was it?

Master Devlin: No, Mayuri. I never suggested he say those things. I told him he should acknowledge he has a sex addiction. Excuse me a moment.

The Master steps to the door.

Master Devlin: TRAVERS! GET IN HERE!!

Travers sheepishly pokes his head in through the door.

Master Devlin: SIT DOWN.

Travers: I’ll sit down. Good idea.

Mayuri looks away, furious.

Master Devlin: Right then. We are going to sort this out. We are going to go full Jerry Springer.

Travers: She’s a beeping beep.

Mayuri: [responds in furious Japanese]

Master Devlin: ENOUGH. Both of you. Now, Mayuri—explain how your marriage with Travers has been. Travers, I want silence from you.

Mayuri: It was wonderful at first, but lately it’s been horrible.

Master Devlin: He was wonderful at first. How so?

Mayuri: He was different then. So charming. Attentive. Kind. I felt like I was the only woman he saw. He seemed so noble.

Travers nods smugly.

Master Devlin: And now?

Mayuri: He ignores me all day. Sleazes around. Flirts and gropes women in front of me. Then demands I change his oil.

Travers gives a slight shrug.

Master Devlin: And when did that change?

Mayuri: A few months after we married. Then when the darkness came and we moved into the big mansion, he ignored me for weeks at a time. Now all he cares about is becoming mayor and creeping on constituents.

Travers: Objection, Master Devlin! Mrs Travers is speaking out of turn! She’s leaving out a critical piece of evidence! She won’t change the oil! Someone has to change the oil!

Master Devlin: No, Mr Travers. You are speaking out of turn. You may speak when it is your turn. I am the moderator here. And since you’ve interrupted, let me remind you—I married you both.

The Master pulls out his phone and scrolls.

Master Devlin: I have here the transcript of your wedding vows.

Mayuri and Travers both lean in to look.

Master Devlin: Travers, you vowed to love your wife. If you expect her to be intimate with you, you have to actually show her that you love her. She’s not going to give you oil changes just because you expect them. Now, do you really love your wife? Or is this just a sham?

Travers: Do I love my wife? Of course I love my wife!

Mayuri almost reacts, but stays silent.

Master Devlin: That’s something, I suppose. Mayuri, would you mind making some coffee? I need to speak with Travers alone.

Mayuri nods and goes into the kitchen.

Master Devlin: Travers, let me put it to you plainly. You need to unfuck this. You need to make peace with your wife. She is basically the Princess Diana or Jackie Kennedy of your campaign. The people love her. If the media finds out you’re having marital problems and you’re kicked out of your own house, it could sink your candidacy.

Travers: Uh... yeah! Yeah. We, uh... unfuck this. Only... how?

Master Devlin: That’s up to you. Either you want Mayuri in your life, or you don’t. If you don’t, cut her loose. But you need her to keep you popular. Because despite your so-called “national treasure” status, you’re actually very unpopular. You might win the election, but that doesn’t stop a vote of no confidence after. Mayuri doesn’t care about any of that. She’s ready to walk. To be perfectly honest, you don’t deserve her. But here we are. So for God’s sake, Travers... sort it out.

Travers: Fine, fine, fine! I’ll fix it! And you’re right—we can’t lose her. Everyone loves her. She’s a national treasure! It would be devastating to the campaign. Oh, and uh… very sad for me, too. Right. Right.

Travers straightens his tie and toupee, then walks into the kitchen to speak to Mayuri alone.

Master Devlin: I’m going for a walk. Give you two some space.

The Master steps outside and walks the grounds, smoking his pipe.

He takes a seat at the duck pond. His phone buzzes. He checks it.

The Master nods and pockets his phone. He then gets up and heads back toward the cottage.

****

The Master steps into the cottage.

Master Devlin: Travers, I have good— Oh my GOD.

Travers and Mayuri are completely naked in the living room. Travers is reclining with a smug grin, Travers Junior fully on display.

Mayuri: Oh hi, Senpai!

Master Devlin: Um... hello...

Mayuri casually gets up and walks to the kitchen.

Mayuri: Coffee, Senpai?

The Master stares at the ceiling, the floor, the wall—anywhere but forward.

Master Devlin: Uh. Yes, please. So... you’ve worked things out then?

Travers: We sure have. My compliments, Master Devlin. You’re an excellent marriage counsellor. Stirling job! Yes sir, nothing like a little communication and a good oil change to maintain a happy marriage.

Master Devlin: Right... well, anyway—Travers, I have some more good news for you. It looks like you’re going to be Mayor after all...

Season 6 continues in Mr Mayor, National Treasure