House Call
The following takes place following: Welcome to the Traversverse
Master Devlin: Travers... I'm used to you trying to outdo your own depravity at every opportunity, but this—this is beyond anything I could have imagined. You've turned the city into a dystopian nightmare crossed with a polygamist cult.
Dr. Shawn: Indeed. Mayor Travers appears to have developed something of a god complex. He’s taken inspiration from figures like Warren Jeffs and the FLDS Church, implementing forced polygamous marriage practices into Widdlington law. All marriages now require his blessing—and he reserves the right to take any bride for himself.
Master Devlin: Well that part is hardly surprising. But what about the masked troops patrolling the streets? It’s oppressive. Authoritarian. Whatever happened to your so-called libertarian values? Explain yourself.
Travers: Ah, yes—about that. Well, without you here to guide me, Master Devlin, I had to seek out other sources of wisdom. So naturally, I paid a visit to Mr. Van der Beak in prison. I figured, as a former ruler, he might have a few pointers. And I was right! I had no idea the mayor’s office had this much untapped power! And before you get all worked up—no, I didn’t pardon the bird. He’s still in jail. Didn’t even ask to leave, actually. All he wanted in exchange was conjugal visitation rights with Stanbot 2.0. Which, of course, yours truly arranged.
Master Devlin: What??
Travers: Oh, the robot wasn’t thrilled, obviously, but his civic sacrifice won’t be forgotten. The bird, on the other hand, was very pleased — especially with his new husband’s “tight new exhaust port.” Though I imagine that’s already worn out by now... Anyway, it’s all very disgusting, but Dr. Shawn here’s been encouraging me to be more tolerant of alternative lifestyles. Isn’t that right, Doc?
Dr. Shawn: Facilitating robot rape is hardly what I had in mind, Mr. Mayor. 😒
Travers: Robot rape? Preposterous. Robots have no rights.
Master Devlin: I demand you release the robot immediately. This is outrageous.
Travers: I can't do that... Well, I could, but I won’t. Traverses never go back on a deal. Our word is our bond.
Master Devlin: Well, I think you’ll find you don’t actually have this level of authority. Widdlington might have slipped under the radar for now, but eventually someone from Waldoshire or higher up will issue a cease and desist. Reg only got away with it after a full-blown coup d'état...
The Master sighs.
Master Devlin: As much as I find this policy revolting—and I will continue to challenge it... You may as well enjoy it while it lasts. You only get a couple of these interventions from the supreme authorities. After that, they shut you down and terminate your mayorship.
Travers (lighting a cigar): No matter. Yes, I will enjoy it, Master Devlin. Being mayor is finally starting to look up.
****
Suddenly, there's a flash of light and Doctor Larry Frasier appears.
Dr. Larry Frasier: Good evening, Mayor Travers. Ah, Master Devlin!
Master Devlin nods.
Travers: Good evening, doctor... What can we do for you?
Dr. Larry Frasier: Well, Mr. Mayor, as your physician, I thought it best that I come check up on you. Given the number of oil changes you’ve been having lately, I’m concerned you haven’t learned your lesson from the gypsy syphilis fiasco.
Travers: Quite unnecessary. Travers doesn't tangle with gypsies no more. Strictly premium quality broads—like the Summers girls! Cream of the Californian crop. You should maybe take a look at Master Devlin though. He's having those fugue episodes again. Particularly long ones too...
Master Devlin: I'm fine...
Dr. Larry Frasier: Be that as it may, Mr. Travers, you should probably let me examine you. You never know with these "premium broads", they tend to have the more premium infections.
Travers: Fine. Just make it quick.
Larry floats over to inspect Travers Junior.
Dr. Larry Frasier: Right, let me see. Have you been having any discomfort?
Travers: Not at all. Traverses are very resistant to pain.
Dr. Larry Frasier: Well, you appear to have a yeast infection. Thrush I'd suspect. Some genital warts...
Travers: Oh dear...
Master Devlin: Have you been seeing the Platt girl again?
Travers: ...
Master Devlin: Travers?
Travers: ...She was my 3 o'clock oil change...
Master Devlin: Fuck sake Travers. You realise she sucks off the whole of Witherfield?
Travers: Figures. She's quite skilled. Practice makes perfect after all.
Master Devlin: You're missing the point. She’s mixing other men’s juices with you. No wonder you have an infection.
Travers: Now look here Master Devlin, I've heard about the promiscuous nature of your homosexual clubbing pals down at the Master Bait bar. Now I don't judge—even though according to government stats, they account for 75% of the venereal disease in Waldoshire... So don't you dare lecture me...
Master Devlin: Nonsense. I have every right to lecture you. I'm the Master! Besides, I'm not the one riddled with bugs.
Travers: Whatever. Mr. Konrad, put out a public health announcement!
Mr. Konrad: Yes sir.
Master Devlin: You're out of control, Travers.
Travers: Don't blame me! Dr. Shawn was here, she watched the whole thing and don't say anything. She's supposed to cure my addiction but she doesn't do anything but encourage Travers...
Dr. Shawn: I take notes, Mr. Mayor.
Travers: You should be taking notes! Your technique leaves a lot to be desired and you have a lot to learn. In fact, perhaps I'll arrange for Miss Platt to become your tutor...
Dr. Shawn tilts her glasses down in a judging way and glances at Travers before continuing to write further notes.
Dr. Shawn: I have enough material here for an entire conference.
Travers: Did you say something, doctor? 🤨
Dr. Shawn: No no, nothing…
The Master sniggers.
Travers: Anyway. Dr. Frasier, can you provide some treatment? A cleansing spell perhaps?
Dr. Larry Frasier: This ointment should do.
Travers: Excellent.
Dr. Larry Frasier: But you’ll need to lay off the oil changes for a couple days.
Travers: Out of the question! I'm mayor for Ed's sake! I have obligations and needs...
Dr. Shawn: Surely you can go a couple days without?
Travers: Of course not... Well, Dr. Shawn, you will have to service me alone for the next few days. Dr. Frasier, can you give the doctor something too?
Dr. Shawn: No thank you.
Travers: I'm afraid it wasn't a request. I'm afraid I'll have to insist.
Dr. Shawn: Insist away. It's not going to happen.
Travers: Doctor, you are refusing out of turn...
Master Devlin: That is enough, Travers!
Travers: Hey, pal! You don't get to come in here after a long unauthorized absence and start barking orders... Do not forget your station, Master Devlin. It's me, Travers, who makes the rules. Your job is to make me look good...
Master Devlin: How can I make you look good if you’re totally hellbent on being utterly disgraceful and diabolical? I cannot keep up with you. I try to clean up little morsels of your shit you leave behind, but you are determined to spray it all over the fucking walls.
Travers: There's no need to be so vulgar, Master Devlin.
Master Devlin: I'm just being accurate. You seem to recognise that you have a problem but you seem to be embracing it rather than resolving it. You require urgent rehabilitation...
Dr. Larry Frasier: Anyway… this ointment. I’d advise you take it.
Travers: Yes yes, fine.
Dr. Larry Frasier: And remember. No oil changes for at least two days... Master Devlin, can you supervise the mayor and make sure he doesn't indulge?
Master Devlin: I'll try... Mr. Konrad, Mr. Boothe—the mayor doesn't leave this room for the next two days and under no circumstances can any girls be allowed in here. Doctor’s orders.
Mr. Konrad and Mr. Boothe nod.
Travers: Belay that order. They are speaking out of turn. The oil must be changed, damn it. It's imperative... For the good of the nation!
Mr. Konrad: Sorry, Mr. Mayor. The doctor has the power to overrule you in this instance.
Travers: This is outrageous... I'm surrounded by traitors...
Mayor Travers sighs in unexpected defeat.
Travers: Well then, Dr. Shawn, I think it best you leave too.
Mayor Travers turns to the others.
Travers: I doubt she'll be able to control herself and take no for an answer if she stays...
Dr. Shawn: I’m sure I’ll be fine, Mr. Mayor. Besides, all this is really good data. There is a publication here for sure.
Travers: No, Dr. Shawn... Get out... The temptation will be too great for you. You're only a broad after all... You can come back once you've recovered.
Dr. Shawn: Don't flatter yourself... But very well. I have notes to type up anyway. Well, then, I'll see you next week...
Dr. Shawn grabs her things and leaves the office.
Dr. Larry Frasier: Right, Mr. Travers, let’s get this over with.
Dr. Larry Frasier flutters around Travers' member and applies the ointment using some sort of hands-free magic.
Travers: That stings a little...
Dr. Larry Frasier: Good. It means it's working.
Travers: Hrmm... Mr. Boothe, please go relieve Ermintrude of duty. She's to have two days paid leave and you will take over. Just, please keep your top on.
Season 7 continues in Mrs Travers Gone Wild