Strong Leadership and the Cleansing Holy Fire

The following takes place following: Tentacles of Melancholia

High in his citadel office, the cephalopodic Master Devlin is filling in paperwork with his many tentacles. The door slams open and Mayor Travers stumbles in reeking of booze, followed by Mr Konrad and Mr Boothe. The Master looks up and peers at him over his spectacles.

Master Devlin: I must say, Travers, I think you might be an alcoholic. That’s been every night this week you’ve went out and come back as rough as a badger’s arse.

Travers: Alcoholic?? Nonsense, Master Devlin... Travers is simply trying to have a good time, man... That recent brush with oblivion made me want to double down on my hedonism, that's all. You should come party with us tonight. You look like you could use it. Speaking of which, I could use a little hair of the dog...

Travers reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hip flask and takes a drink.

Travers: So, what's new in Travers-town? Wally still running amok?

A voice from the window: AMOK!!??

They turn to see the bird-dragon Waldobeast, perched at the window, peering in inquisitively making funny faces.

Waldobeast: Amok! Amok! Amok! Amok!

The Master reaches over with a tentacle and opens the window, slamming it into the Waldobeast's beak, causing it to flutter back.

Waldobeast: Hey, what's the big idea!?

Master Devlin: What do you want, Widdle Frunkut?

Waldobeast: We just want to say hello!

Master Devlin: Have you returned for your lessons?

Waldobeast: Not a chance, little octopus-man! We is Masta now!

Travers: I'd just like to say, Mr Waldo, that was a damn fine job you did with torching the courthouse, son. You did this city a great service. Why, I'd like to offer you the key to the city, though Master Devlin here says I can't be seen to be taking sides.

Waldobeast: We did what now? Waldo don't remember so good. We breathe the fires. Lay the eggs. Hoard the golds. Many such cases...

Travers: I see... well, uh... keep up the good work anyway.

Ermintrude comes in with the morning newspapers and places them in front of the Master and she pours the Master a coffee.

Master Devlin: Thank you, Ermintrude.

Travers hops on a chair, puts his feet up and lights up a cigar. The Master takes a look at the papers.

Master Devlin: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Travers spits out his cigar in fright. Ermintrude drops the coffee pot.

Travers: What??

Master Devlin: THIS!

The Master holds up the front page of The Wallywood Times:

"MAYOR TRAVERS DECLARES SUPPORT FOR THE WINGED BEAST"

Travers: Pfft. Filthy fake news gutter trash. Who cares? Nobody reads that rag...

The Master struggles with the TV remote with his slippery tentacles but eventually gets it working and turns it to WBC News. The headline reads "TRAVERS SUPPORTS DESTRUCTION".

The report then cuts to footage showing Travers swaying outside the Sass-Hole Club at night, wearing sunglasses, his shirt half-untucked, a drink in one hand and smoking a cigar. He looks pleased with himself as he's confronted by a reporter.

Reporter: Mayor Travers, do you have any comment on the ongoing attacks by the winged beast and the rising death toll?

Travers: Absolutely! It's doing a damn fine job. [hiccups] Damn fine! Honestly. It’s like I ssssaid… like I said when I ran for mayor — this town… this town needs an enema! And what cleanses better than the holy fire of a beast sent from Ed himself?

Reporter: Mr Mayor, dozens of people are confirmed dead, including Judge Marshall Stevens. The courthouse has been completely destroyed. Are you saying you support this?

Travers: You bet! That judge and his underlings were as crooked as they come. This was the same damn justice system that tried to politically persecute Travers! I was going to burn it down myself — but our new friend, the Waldobeast, saved me a job.

Reporter: But Mr Mayor—

Travers: Hey dollface… I've answered your questions. Now how ‘bout an oil change?

Reporter: Excuse me—?

Travers then vomits on the reporter's shoe and passes out in the gutter.

WBC Anchor: The mayor’s remarks have sparked widespread condemnation from across the political spectrum. A growing number of councillors are calling for his immediate resignation. City Hall sources have confirmed that an emergency session will convene later today to consider a vote of no confidence...

The Master mutes the TV. The Master, Ermintrude, Mr Boothe and Mr Konrad stare at Travers in disbelief.

Master Devlin: Well, Travers? Care to explain yourself?

Travers: Fake news. Goddamn gutter press misquoting me again.

Master Devlin: Misquoting you?? That was you on the TV! We just heard you say it loud and clear!

Travers: Well... um... well the thing you have to understand is... I mean I was being figurative.

Master Devlin: This town needs an enema?

Travers: Exactly! The courthouse was rife with corruption. It needed to be cleaned up. Master Devlin, you must put out a press statement correcting the confusion... And put out some leaks linking the judge to organised crime.

Master Devlin: You said the Waldobeast was doing a fine job... How do you propose we correct that??

Travers: Uh... Well... Tell 'em... tell them the fine job I was referring to was the emergency services or something. I dunno. You're the spin doctor! Figure it out...

The Master sighs loudly.

Master Devlin: I’ll see what I can do. But I think it’s about time you were honest and admit you have a drink problem... First things first, you need to sober up, then you will go out there and admit to the public that you were very drunk and that you spoke out of turn...

Travers: Not gonna happen. Traverses never speak out of turn... We always say exactly what we mean! Besides, it would undermine the command structure... These peasants need strong leadership! Not some wishy-washy fool.

Master Devlin: Right, so I will put in your statement that everything you said to the press was accurate then?

Travers: Noooo. Simply say that there was a mistake. A misunderstanding. They misinterpreted my comments... I don't care, just say whatever to make me look good! Do your job, man.

Master Devlin: It is hard to make you look good when all you do is make yourself look terrible … all the time.

Travers: Fine then, don't bother then. I'll deal with this myself. We're cutting out the press altogether! Hey, Wally... how'd you like a job?

Waldobeast: Sure!

Travers: Good, because here's what I want you to do...

Master Devlin: Mr Mayor, I implore you to think about this.

Travers: I have, I've thought about it all. Just trust me. Travers' got this...

With a sigh of despair, The Master melts and slips through the cracks in the floorboards.

****

Thirty-seven minutes later, the Waldobeast returns, landing at the mayor's office balcony.

Waldobeast: All done, bossman!

Travers heads out onto the balcony and looks down upon the city. Several media buildings across town are engulfed in flames.

Travers: Excellent! You got all of them?

Waldobeast: Yes, sir!

The Waldobeast pulls out a list of scratched-off media outlets.

Waldobeast: We gots the Waldopolis Chronicle, WBC, The Waldoverse Inquisitor, Wallywood Times, WTV and Widdlington Post...

Travers: Great job. You've done your city proud, son...

Waldobeast: Yes sir. Thanks very much for this chance, sir!

Travers turns on the TV, smiles smugly when he notes all the 24-hour news channels are off air.

Travers: Mr Konrad! Set up a Traverscast. We're going live in five...

Traverscast: My fellow Waldonians. It’s been a dark few days in Widdlington — but I’m here to tell you the light is returning at last. As many of you know, our city has been terrorised by a fire-breathing, winged beast. Much of our fair town has been ravaged by flames. But today, I’m pleased to announce that this reign of terror has come to an end.

After exhausting all other options — and learning from the Master’s Council that the beast was, essentially, unkillable — I, as mayor, master negotiator, and national treasure, took the only logical course of action: I made friends with the beast.

So, effective immediately, we have reached a ceasefire agreement. The creature — now formally employed by the city — will serve as Protector of the Realm. I understand some of you may be angry. Some may hunger for revenge. But that is the price of peace. Any attempts to harm the beast — now known as The Waldobeast, named in honour of our fair town — will be met with swift and harsh punishment.

Now, regarding the comments I made on live television last night. My political advisors think I looked bad. They say I should apologise. Say that I spoke out of turn...But I trust the people of Widdlington. And I know what matters most to you is honesty.

The truth is, I didn’t speak out of turn at all. As mayor, I choose my words carefully. When I ran, I promised to clean up this town. You gave me that mandate — but the establishment has fought me every step of the way. The legal system. The civil service. The media. These institutions — corrupted and self-serving — have become enemies of the people. They've done everything they can to stop us.

I tried playing by their rules. But that’s not why you voted for me. You voted for results. And if I have to get my hands dirty to deliver them, then so be it. I know the people of Waldonia understand that.

So yes — I’m glad the courthouse burned to the ground. It was a pit of corruption. We’ll build a new one. A better one. With honest judges, not political activists like that snake Judge Stevens. He was a gruesome son of a bitch, and frankly — I’m glad he’s dead.

And yes, today I made the executive decision to deal with some of the most egregious, anti-Waldonian media outlets. They’ve been… purified in holy fire.

With the cleansing purge complete, we can now rebuild. A brighter, cleaner Widdlington.

And so with that… I bid you goodnight and Ed bless Waldonia.

Thank you.

Season 7 continues in The Madness of Mayor Travers