Tough Talk with Travers

The following takes place following: The Travers Chronicle: First Edition

WEXTON: Good evening. I’m Robert Wexton, and tonight on Tough Talk, we’re joined by a goblin who has become — depending on who you ask — either the saviour of Waldonian print journalism or its final nail in the coffin.

Harris Travers is many things: former lawyer, former mayor, briefly a self-declared emperor, and now the Editor-in-Chief of the once-venerable Waldopolis Chronicle — a paper he has transformed into a raucous, controversial tabloid, now famed more for topless models and sensational headlines than sober reporting.

And while the sales are booming — with a 47% increase in just the past two weeks, showing no signs of slowing — the criticism from feminists, former staff, and much of polite society has been deafening. But the Chronicle’s new attitude has been bold, unphased, and entirely unapologetic — much like our guest tonight.

Mr. Travers, welcome to the programme.

TRAVERS: Happy to be here, Randy — although I should point out you forgot to mention that Travers is also a national treasure.

WEXTON: Right, of course you did ask for that to be in your introduction. Apologies. Well, Mr. Travers... National treasure... Firstly, congratulations on what is clearly a massive commercial success. A nearly 50% sales increase — that’s an undeniable achievement.

TRAVERS: Yes, it is. I’m very proud. It's shaping up to be a paper worthy of Travers.

WEXTON: Were you surprised by how well it’s performed?

TRAVERS: Not at all. I had a very clear idea of what needed to be done to make the paper successful, and I saw to it.

WEXTON: But there has been a lot of criticism directed at you as well, hasn’t there? Under your stewardship, the nation’s oldest and once most respected broadsheet newspaper has become a sensationalist, semi-pornographic tabloid. Do you really see this as progress?

TRAVERS: Absolutely. Progress isn’t always a straight line. Sometimes it curves. Sometimes it jiggles. Before Travers took over, the Chronicle was dying — bleeding money, losing readers, becoming irrelevant. And now? It’s thriving. The results speak for themselves.

WEXTON: That much is clear — you have, at least for the time being, saved the newspaper, as you so boldly declared last week. But many would ask, “At what cost?” The paper has fundamentally lost its identity, don’t you agree?

TRAVERS: I see it as a course correction. The problem with this industry is that the journo-class has completely lost touch with the common man. They pander to a narrow sliver of the population — middle-class wine aunts and cat ladies with liberal arts degrees. Frankly, the public is sick of it. They don’t want to be lectured or talked down to. And they are absolutely sick of political correctness!

WEXTON: Okay, there may be some truth to that... So that’s what the public don’t want. But what is it they do want, in your opinion?

TRAVERS: It’s quite simple, Randy—

WEXTON: It’s Robert, actually.

TRAVERS: The public want to be terrified, outraged, amused, and titillated as they get their morning news. And that’s exactly what I give them.

WEXTON: One of the more controversial aspects of your rebrand is the return of Page 3 — or, as you call them, The Chronicle Girls. Topless models scattered throughout the paper. Critics say this is a giant step backwards for society. Some even call it harmful misogyny. That it’s degrading to women.

TRAVERS: The critics are speaking out of turn. And frankly, it’s preposterous. How can the natural human body be harmful or degrading?

WEXTON: Well, it’s not so much the—

TRAVERS: Look, Randy, let me be real with you—

WEXTON: Robert.

TRAVERS: —I’m gonna give it to you straight. Newsflash: men like tits. There — I said it. Controversial, I know. And fine, upstanding, huhwite goblin men of good character such as myself especially do! Just ask Sam.

But no... I absolutely reject the idea that there’s anything wrong with enjoying a nice pair of melons in your morning paper. It’s something to help ease readers into the horror story on the next page. Something to lift their spirits — and their pants! Heh heh...

WEXTON: But again, some people say—

TRAVERS: The only people who complain are fags and bitter, pearl-clutching feminists like that pig Shawna—

WEXTON: I’m sorry. Who's Shawna?

TRAVERS: My former head of HR. I fired her fat ass.

WEXTON: Right. See, now — even just what you’ve said there, many will find extremely offensive. Particularly the use of a homophobic slur. Is that really the kind of language the editor of Waldonia’s biggest newspaper should be using?

TRAVERS: Absolutely. Why not?

WEXTON: Because some find it deeply hurtful—

TRAVERS: Look, Randy. I get it. I know this may be a foreign concept to you limeys, but I’m an American. We’ve got this little thing you folks used to believe in called free speech. Now, I shoot from the hip. I use language that some people find offensive — and that’s their right. But I’m not obligated to care.

WEXTON: Your paper is doing exceptionally well with working-class men aged 18-45. You’ve even called for Waldonia to “embrace the lad culture of the mid-90s.” But many see that era as one of unchecked sexism, violence, and exclusion. Isn’t this just dressing up regression as rebellion?

TRAVERS: Regression? Please. You want regression? Go look at the last ten years — everyone cancelling each other, afraid to tell a joke, sobbing over tweets. What I’m offering is a bit of fun. Now, look, I don’t pretend to fully embrace the lad lifestyle. I have no time for soccer or any other sportsball for that matter, but I do think it’s about time we started letting men be men once again — and having a little fun along the way.

WEXTON: And what would you say to those who fear this might lead to toxic masculinity, drunken anti-social behaviour — even violence?

TRAVERS: Well, of course, I’m a noble goblin of peace, so I would condemn any sort of violence — drunken or otherwise. It’s all about getting a balance, being respectful to others without turning into some feminised, limp-wristed cuck...

WEXTON: Let’s talk about your association with The Masters Council. Your deputy editor is a senior figure in the Masters Council — an organisation many Waldonians, especially in working-class neighbourhoods like northern Widdicombe, view as a shady cabal of unelected "lizard people". Isn’t it a contradiction for you — the self-proclaimed man of the people — to be so tightly linked to them? Are you worried about how this might affect the Chronicle’s reputation going forward?

TRAVERS: Now Randy, you wouldn’t be trying to sow division between me and my loyal readers now, would you? Hahaha. No, it’s a legitimate question, and, well, look... the fact of the matter is, I haven’t been the head of the Council for some time. I’ve been a little busy, and although my deputy editor and best friend is a Master himself, I’m not worried about it. While some of my readers may disagree with me politically, the love of boobs and exciting news is damn near universal... And that’s all it takes — a little common ground can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

WEXTON: Last week, you bumped coverage of a fatal air crash off the front page to run a cartoon of yourself with the headline “National Treasure Saves Newspaper.” Do you honestly believe you are more important than the lives of fifteen people?

TRAVERS: I did exactly what I told that clown on Newsnight I’d do. Now, I believe in keeping my promises. I said I’d do it, and I did. That’s accountability. Besides, we covered the crash — extensively. Who cares if it was on page 1 or 4? Frankly, I think it’s distasteful to try using those tragic deaths to score points against me, Travers!

WEXTON: Let’s talk about your political tenure. You were an unelected Mayor, winning by default after all other candidates suffered tragic mishaps. Not long after, you declared yourself Emperor of Waldonia, suspended parliament, and took Waldoshire out of the UK... On top of that, you conscripted women from the public into compulsory nude photoshoots, increased surveillance to levels beyond anything Orwell could have imagined, and allied yourself with a firebreathing beast that wreaked havoc on this city, resulting in hundreds of deaths and the near economic collapse of the nation... And yet, you have never answered for your tyrannical crimes.

TRAVERS: You forgot the part where I stepped down willingly... Now, I admit, I went a little crazy up there in the clouds for a while, but I can assure you I’m all better now. I saw the madness in my own eyes and said, “Jack, ol' buddy, this is out of turn. It’s behaviour unbecoming of a national treasure...” Now, I think that shows tremendous strength of character, don’t you? I mean, how many dictators step down willingly?

WEXTON: Even still... there’s a genuine concern — among journalists, academics, even your own readers, one might imagine — about how wise it is for someone with your... colourful past... to now be running Waldonia’s largest newspaper.

TRAVERS: What can I say? I’m reformed... a noble goblin now. The readers will just have to judge for themselves.

WEXTON: Finally — what would you say to people who believe you’re degrading the very idea of journalism? That you’re not saving the Chronicle, but burying it?

TRAVERS: I’d say this: I’m not here to please everyone. If you don’t like the Chronicle, read something else — perhaps The Widdlington Post or The Waldonian is more your speed... But if you want honesty, excitement, and a little boobage with your coffee? Baby, Travers has got you covered.

WEXTON: Harris Travers. Thank you very much for joining us...

TRAVERS: My pleasure, Randy...

The Waldoverse continues in The Jeremy Kyle Show: Witherfield Edition