The Wedding

The following takes place immediately following: The Dumpster

It was the morning of the wedding, in the Master’s quarters.

"Where are we going, Masta?" Waldo asked with an innocent smile.

The Master didn’t answer. Waldo noticed but didn’t press—he figured it was a surprise. It had to be somewhere nice; not only was the Master well-dressed, but he had also spent the morning scrubbing and grooming Waldo before dressing him in a smart little suit.

As the Master tied Waldo’s laces, Waldo piped up again. “Masta, do you think Mayuri and Waldo will get back together? Waldo misses her…”

“We’ll see,” the Master replied as he straightened Waldo’s tie. Then he stood, took Waldo’s hand, and led him to the door.

They walked hand in hand to the church, like a parent taking their child to their first day of school.

As they reached the church steps, the Master stopped and crouched down to Waldo’s level.

"Church, eh? Is someone getting married?" Waldo’s eyes suddenly lit up. "Is Widdle Frunkut getting married to Mayuri for real?"

Yes," the Master answered awkwardly, "...from a certain point of view."

"We knew it! Thank you for arranging this. It's a wonderful surprise!" Waldo bounced with excitement. "Are you my best man?"

"Easy now, son. Don't want to mess up your nice new suit, do we?" The Master gently smoothed down Waldo’s three hairs before placing a wig on his head.

"What’s the hair for?"

"You want to look fancy for Mayuri, don’t you?"

"Oh yeah! Good idea!"

The Master reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small case.

"A present for Waldo?"

"Yes."

He opened the case. Waldo peered inside with the curiosity of a toddler. Inside was a fake moustache.

Something in Waldo’s stomach twisted. He didn’t understand why, but suddenly, he felt uneasy. He took a step back, frightened.

The Master caught him gently by the shoulders. "It’s okay, Widdle Frunkut… I need to put this on you, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s for your wedding to Mayuri. It’ll make you look handsome. She’ll appreciate it." He spoke softly, reassuringly. "Now, I’m going to be with you the whole time. I’ll take care of you… You trust your Master, don’t you?"

Waldo’s face lit up again, his worry fading. "Yes sir! Always."

The Master paused, looking at Waldo’s face—his wide, trusting eyes, his sweet, goofy smile. He had never really noticed before how… adorable Widdle Frunkut could be.

Then he fixed the moustache to Waldo’s face.

He waited.

Within seconds, the youthful, innocent smile disappeared. Waldo’s features twisted and contorted into the face of a middle-aged man. The light in his wide eyes went out, replaced by a sly, calculating stare. And then, the voice...

"Hello, Master Devlin…"

The Master exhaled sharply, looking down at the ground. "Come on, Travers," he muttered. "Let’s get this over with."

They pushed open the church doors.

Travers looked around.

Something was wrong.

The place was empty.

"Nooo… Master Devlin… It is you…"

A gunshot rang out, echoing through the hallowed halls.

The Master, holding the smoking gun, watched as the fake moustache fluttered to the ground and landed beside the lifeless body of Widdle Frunkut. The face—if it could still be called that—was barely recognizable, thanks to the grapefruit-sized exit wound.

The Master allowed himself a single tear. Then he put on his hat… and walked away.

Then he woke up.

Sweating.

His chest was tight, his mind racing.

Something about today felt… wrong.

Should he let this circus go ahead?

Or sabotage it?

The Big Day, for real this time...

Master Devlin was en route to Waldobury Cathedral, having been steadily roped into multiple duties: giving Mayuri away, standing as Travers' best man, and officiating the ceremony itself.

Inside, the cathedral buzzed with anticipation. It was a star-studded affair, filled with an eclectic mix of guests. Familiar Waldoversians had gathered—Ron, Donnie, Audrey, Guthrie, Barry Scott, Wesley, and, of course, Stanbot 1.0 (his successor, Stanbot 2.0 was still notably absent). Buffy and Joyce Summers were present, though Dawn hadn't made the guest list.

Among the throng, a dazzling lineup of celebrities had arrived: Shaun Williamson, Warwick Davis, Andy Serkis, Patrick Stewart, Marina Sirtis, Orson Welles, Craig Charles, Kyle MacLachlan, David Lynch, Hideo Kojima, Pat Morita, Ken Watanabe, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Denzel Washington—and even Andy Dick.

The cathedral doors swung open. A hush fell over the crowd, all eyes turning expectantly. But it was just Ian McKellen and Maggie Smith, gliding in with effortless grandeur, settling near the front alongside Frakes, who lounged between Marina Sirtis and Patrick Stewart.

The doors opened again. Marina nudged a sleeping Frakes.

Marina: "Jonathan! Wake up! That must be them coming in now..."

Frakes stirred just enough to mumble, "Who is it?" before slipping back into slumber.

Marina: "Oh, never mind… it’s just Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kevin Spacey, and Christian Slater."

Frakes: "They're definitely on the groom’s side…zzz…it’s fact…zzzz."

Dr. Ian Malcolm impatiently tapped Frakes' shoulder. "Now, uh… they do eventually plan to, uh, have the actual wedding party show up at their wedding, right?"

Patrick leaned into Marina, his dry, sleazy smile stretching across his face. "And I saw...everything," he repeated for the seventh time.

Marina turned away in disgust, catching Mara Wilson making a rude face at her from across the room. Huffing, she muttered, "Ugh, I can't stand this... I'm going out for some air."

Meanwhile, The Master arrived with Travers and called Frakes over.

Master Devlin: "Has the bride arrived?"

Frakes shrugged: "What are you asking me for?

"Well, you are the fact-checker!"

Frakes shrugged. "I've got the day off." And with that, he promptly went back to sleep.

Devlin sighed. "Very well... It seems I have to do everything around here." He hoisted Travers up and deposited him at the altar.

"Thank you, Master Devlin," Travers said, his voice trembling. "My legs don't seem to work. I guess I'm a little nervous." He gestured to the large ice blocks encasing his feet.

"Yes, yes. Um... Wait here," Devlin instructed before heading off to find Mayuri.

After a brief search, he found her waiting in a side room — completely naked.

"Oh, hi, Senpai!" Mayuri greeted, anxiously.

"For goodness' sake, Mayuri! Can you not wear a dress?"

"But Frakes-san said this was supposed to be a traditional Betazoid wedding! Isn't everyone naked?" she asked innocently.

"No. Everyone else is dressed. Including the groom, who is waiting," Devlin replied, exasperated.

"Oh. Well, there's a dress over there. I guess I could wear it," Mayuri said, pointing to a nearby garment.

"Yes, please do," Devlin urged.

Mayuri slipped into the dress, and Devlin zipped her up. "There we are... You look beautiful."

"Thank you, Senpai!" she beamed.

"Now, shall we?" Devlin asked, offering his arm.

****

The Master opened the doors and signaled for the music to begin.

A drunk and disheveled Charlie Kelly staggered up beside Travers, swaying to the melody, shoveling spaghetti into his mouth.

Travers eyed him warily. "Hellooo? Who are you?"

Charlie slurred, "Charlie Kelly, janitor and cat enthusiast. I'm here today to stand in for uh… Widdle Frunkut? Got a letter here from some editor…"

Before Travers could respond, The Master arrived with Mayuri.

"Umm… Who is this?" Devlin asked.

"Mr. Waldo’s stand-in, apparently," Travers muttered.

Devlin sighed. "Oh dear."

"It’s fine. I don’t care. Let’s move on," Travers said.

"Mr. Kelly, please take a seat," Devlin instructed.

Charlie shrugged. "Fine… I don’t care anyway. I got paid with a sandwich and some spaghetti to be here…" He stumbled off and promptly passed out on Marina Sirtis, who had only just returned to her seat.

Devlin turned back to Travers. "Shall we begin?"

"Yesss, Master Devlin," Travers replied.

Mayuri nodded excitedly.

Devlin cleared his throat. "Welcome, all, who have come to witness this moment—the union of this woman and… this creature. Let us celebrate, acknowledge, and honor the vows they will soon make. By your presence, you affirm the truth of their love and commitment to each other—"

Shaun Williamson suddenly burst into uncontrollable sobs, prompting Warwick Davis to pat his shoulder.

Shaun gasped between tears. "Sorry… I’m sorry…"

Ignoring the interruption, Devlin pressed on. "Should anyone present know of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

A voice rang out. "I OBJECT."

Gasps erupted throughout the cathedral as Sayuki "Sing Kang" Waldo and Skunk "Otto" V stepped forward.

Frakes bolted upright. "WHAT?!"

Mayuri’s eyes widened. "GRANDMA?!"

Sayuki smirked. "I object."

Devlin frowned. "Bitch."

Travers threw his hands up. "What is the meaning of this?!"

Sing Kang sneered. "Oh come now, husband… You think a silly little moustache is going to fool anyone?"

Travers blinked in confusion. "One of you… married that thing?"

Frakes smirked.

Travers groaned. "Master Devlin, you’re the closest thing we have to a bouncer. Can you handle this?"

"Okay, whore, time to go," Devlin said flatly.

Sayuki shook her head. "Uh-uh, I don’t think so."

Skunk V opened his jacket, revealing a vest strapped with C4.

Sirtis shot Frakes a glare. "Why can’t you ever take me somewhere nice?"

Mayuri’s voice trembled. "Baba! Why are you doing this? Ruining my wedding day! Goberin-san was right about you! You are truly awful!"

Sayuki scowled. "I want what is rightfully mine."

Mayuri frowned. "What’s yours?"

Sayuki chuckled. "Why don’t you ask Goberin-san? He’s right there."

Mayuri’s expression darkened. "Goberin-san isn’t here. We broke up. I’m marrying Travers-san now."

Sayuki smirked. "You think I don’t recognize my own husband? Tell them, Mr. Frakes."

Frakes crossed his arms. "No."

Sayuki’s smile vanished. "NO?! You are the fact-checker! You must—"

Frakes scowled. "Shut up."

Sayuki gasped. "How dare you?!"

"I said shut up. As in close your mouth and stop talking. I don’t have to answer your questions. It’s my day off."

Sayuki narrowed her eyes. "Very well. I will do it myself. Mr. Travers, is it?"

Travers inhaled sharply. "Yes. I am Travers. And if I’m understanding correctly, you tried to blow up my best man, which means you are NOT welcome here. Mayuri doesn’t want you here. I don’t want you here. Not even Christian Slater wants you here."

Christian Slater frowned and nodded in agreement.

Before anyone could react, the Editor suddenly climbed out of Mara Wilson’s mouth, snapping her neck in the process. Her lifeless body crumpled onto Mr. Bedford. The Editor brushed himself off.

"Hello, everyone. I’m Ed. Don’t be alarmed. I just need a quick word with The Master."

Ed approached Devlin, placed a hand on his shoulder, and whispered in his ear, "Listen up, sparky, here’s the deal. I want this wedding to go through. So tell your co-editor friend to move this scene along before I start exploding people, okay? That would be great."

With a snap of his fingers, Ed vanished.

Buffy Summers suddenly stood. "Uh, hi. I’m Buffy. The Slayer. Well, vampire slayer, mostly, but I could probably handle… whatever these gross things are."

Joyce stood beside her. "Oh yes, she’s very good!"

Buffy reached into her bag. "I have holy water! Might do the trick!"

Devlin turned to Buffy. "Miss Summers, go speak to Mr. Giles."

Buffy nodded. "Okay!" She hurried off.

Jack Nicholson leaned over to Michael Keaton. "I’m going outside to warm up the car." He flashed a grin, raised his hands, and casually strolled out.

Sing Kang and Skunk V exchanged confused glances.

Devlin turned to Buffy. "Miss Summers, go speak to Mr. Giles."

Buffy nodded. "Okay!" She hurried off.

Devlin sighed. "Sing Kang, I really don’t know why you are here. You crashed Mayuri and Travers' wedding, and apparently your beef is with your husband, Widdle Frunkut"

Sayuki smirked. "Oh yes, Widdle Frunkut. Let’s talk about him for a moment. Otto, darling, if you please."

Skunk V strode up and ripped off Travers’ moustache—revealing Widdle Frunkut.

Gasps echoed through the cathedral. Mayuri fainted. Dr. Alan Grant removed his sunglasses in shock while Dr. Ian Malcolm chuckled, thoroughly amused.

The Master rolled his eyes.

Widdle Frunkut blinked, confused.

Sayuki huffed. "As you can see, I am entitled to my husband’s fortune—whether he wears a costume or not."

Devlin sneered. "You miserable, evil old hag."

As Skunk V wandered down the aisle to plant the charges, he came face to face with Stanbot 1.0. They stared at each other for a moment.

Suddenly, Stanbot bolted out the front door, sprinting across the street—before abruptly exploding.

Sing Kang turned in shock, only to be met with a swift punch from The Master. She stumbled backward, crashing into a pew and smashing her head against it, dying instantly. Patrick Stewart burst into delighted laughter. Maggie Smith attempted to wake Mayuri, while Waldo stood frozen, drenched in sweat. Barry Scott pulled out a bottle of Cillit Bang.

Devlin sighed. "Waldo, put this moustache on! Before she wakes!"

Waldo tried, but the sweat made it impossible.

Devlin groaned. "Widdle Frunkut, pull yourself together! I know you don’t fully understand what’s happening, but stop perspiring!"

Audrey looked around. "Where did Mr. Travers go?"

Charlie Kelly vomited on Marina Sirtis.

Devlin rubbed his temples. "Good lord, this is a nightmare… Barry, clean up this mess."

Shaun Williamson frowned. "My name’s not Barry! That was just a character I played on EastEnders!"

"NOT YOU! Barry Scott..."

Shaun blinked. "Oh. Right. Sorry."

Warwick Davis rolled his eyes. "You muppet."

Devlin sighed. "Someone get Waldo a towel! And why are his feet still ice?!"

Ian McKellen exhaled a puff of smoke. "Magic."

Mayuri stirred.

Devlin: "Shit. Um..."

He quickly slapped butter onto Waldo’s face while Frakes stapled the moustache onto his upper lip.

Travers blinked awake. "Hello, everyone! Yes, it is me, Mr. Travers! National T—wait, why am I all wet?!"

Guests dragged Sing Kang outside.

Travers frowned. "And what happened to the terrorists?"

Devlin waved him off. "Never mind. It matters not. Let's get on with the wedding, shall we?"

Mayuri wobbled slightly as Maggie Smith and Jonathan Frakes helped her to her feet. Maggie gave her a reassuring pat on the arm.

“There we are, deary,” she said warmly. “You're alright now.”

From across the room, Ian McKellen smirked and mimicked Maggie’s tone in an exaggerated fashion. Maggie scowled at him as Patrick Stewart chuckled beside him.

Master Devlin cleared his throat. “Mayuri, are you happy to continue?”

“Oh yes, senpai,” Mayuri nodded eagerly. “I’m fine now, thank you. I think I just had a hallucination. For a moment there, I thought Travers-san was Goberin-san! Can you believe that!? Probably just nerves.”

Master Devlin sighed. “Understandable. Well, I suppose we’ve had the objections—which were duly noted. We shall proceed with the vows.”

Travers glanced around the assembled guests with mild amusement. “Most of these people are my clients. I wouldn’t expect many objections…”

“Indeed,” Master Devlin muttered before straightening up. “Harris Travers, do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in Waldonian matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?”

Travers breathed out slowly, his voice slick and confident. “Yesss, Master Devlin... I do…”

Master Devlin gave a curt nod before turning to Mayuri. “And Mayuri, do you take this... creature to be your husband, to live together in Waldonian matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?”

Mayuri’s face lit up. “You bet I do! Tututuru!”

“Well,” Master Devlin muttered, “by the power vested in me by the Masters Council, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh—shit—the rings! Sorry, there’s been a lot going on... Do you have any?”

Ian McKellen stepped forward with a knowing grin. “I do! I always have a few handy... just in case.”

Master Devlin eyed him skeptically as Ian produced two rings, each adorned with intricate elvish inscriptions.

“Props from some films I did,” Ian said casually.

Master Devlin narrowed his eyes. “Hmmm… Are they definitely props? We don’t want any funny business.”

Ian hesitated, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Well... I don’t really know. To tell you the truth, I, um... stole them.” He coughed suddenly, choking on his pipe.

Master Devlin sighed. “Perhaps we’ll go without the Elven inscription, shall we?”

Ian gestured dramatically. “Take them, Devlin! They’re quite cool!”

Master Devlin grabbed the rings with little enthusiasm. “Sure. Whatever.”

Ian muttered under his breath, shaking his head. “Ungrateful…”

Master Devlin ignored him. “Travers, would you like to choose your ring?”

“Nooo, Master Devlin,” Travers replied smoothly. “I do not wear rings… Neither did my father, nor his father…”

“Of course not,” Master Devlin muttered. “Mayuri?”

“I like them!” Mayuri chimed in. “This one looks beautiful.”

Travers slid the ring onto her finger, watching as it shrink to a snug fit.

“Wow, it fits perfectly!” Mayuri exclaimed.

Master Devlin arched an eyebrow. “Hmm… Very curious. Well, you may kiss the bride.”

Travers recoiled slightly. “Nooo, Master Devlin… You are speaking out of turn… Traverses don’t kiss!”

“Whatever. I don’t care. Have a happy life together.”

Mayuri ignored Travers’s aversion and planted a light kiss on his cheek. The audience erupted into applause. Mel Gibson punched the air excitedly, his grin wide.

Meanwhile, Master Devlin absently threw a pile of coats over Sing Kang’s corpse. Charlie took the opportunity to begin urinating on the makeshift burial site.

Travers turned to Mayuri with an air of satisfaction. “We did it, Mrs. Travers!”

Master Devlin sighed. “Well, shall we move on to the reception?”

Travers hesitated. “You know, Master Devlin... It’s been a long day. Did you have something planned for the reception? Because Mayuri and I were thinking about calling it a night... Unless you insist?”

Frakes chuckled. “I’d also like to go home. I’ve got some Romulan ale waiting with my name on it.”

Master Devlin exhaled sharply. “Yes. There is one thing, Travers. Since I performed the ceremony, it is my right as Master to initiate prima nocta on your wedding night.”

Travers blanched. “What? Well, um... I mean, uh... if you say so…”

Master Devlin scoffed. “I’m only joking. You kids enjoy your night.”

Travers wiped his brow. “Thank goodness... Master Devlin, you were joking out of turn. You had me there for a second...”

Frakes nudged Devlin with a smirk. “Missed your opportunity there, pal. He was going to let you…”

“I know,” Master Devlin muttered. “But no thank you. I’m like a father figure to the girl.”

Travers straightened up, turning to the crowd with authority. “Attention, everyone! The wedding is over. Thank you all for coming. Your obligations as my clients have been fulfilled. Now please go. The hounds will be released in seven minutes. Mayuri and I are heading off on our honeymoon now. Goodbye. Oh, and thank you, Master Devlin.”

Master Devlin gave him a tired look. “You are welcome. I’m just glad you haven’t asked me to watch again.”

The story continues in Ermintrude