WalDOS Troubleshooting

The following is a direct continuation of WF & The Master go on Safari

Chapter 3

Back in Widdlington

Master Devlin: How are you feeling, Widdle Frunkut?

wF: Tired, sir.

Master Devlin: I see.

Master Devlin: Here, have a Grammy.

wF: Thanks!

(Grammy falls to the floor, along with the hand attached.)

Master Devlin: Oh dear. Here, let me get that for you....Tell me how to fix you.

wF: I don't know. This hasn't happened before.

Master Devlin: I see. A spell?

wF: Maybe.

Master Devlin: How about some chicken soup?

wF: Don’t have a cold.

Master Devlin: Oh. But it might help.

wF: Soup causes Waldo PTSD. 😓

Master Devlin: How so?

wF: Kenyan incident flashbacks.

The Master has Waldo on a Lucozade drip.

Master Devlin: Butter? It might help.

wF: No thanks.

Master Devlin: Very well. How about some cheese?

wF: No thanks. Mister Travers and Samuel have me on a dairy-free diet.

Master Devlin: Very good. Well, let's see if the Lucozade drip improves you some.

wF: Hmm. It’s modern Lucozade—less sugar, more artificial sweeteners. Maybe require a double dosage.

Master Devlin: Actually, it’s Dragonzade. Very similar to the classic Lucozade.

wF: Oh.

Chapter 4:

The next day, in the Masters Council computer lab:

Master Devlin carefully connects a cable from Waldo's brain port—located at the back of his skull—to an Amiga 600, which is hooked up to an old CRT monitor. He needs to run diagnostics on Waldo to assess the damage. Although WalDOS, Waldo's operating system, is based on the AMIGA OS and theoretically compatible, it’s dreadfully corrupted and essentially unusable. The screen flickers with garbled data, highlighting the extent of the corruption.

Master Devlin: Ctrl Alt Del!

(He strikes the keyboard with a determined force, initiating a critical system reboot. The screen flickers and the familiar warning symbols flash, signaling a major malfunction.)

WalDOS interface: 🔥🔥

Master Devlin: Unplug!

Sparks start flying out of Waldo's ears.

Waldo groans and shudders as a thick, ominous mist begins to seep from his eyes and mouth, enveloping him in a swirling fog.️

Master Devlin: Format Waldo OS...

WalDOS interface: Say the line, Stan...

Master Devlin: Umm... line?

Waldo: Oh dear. This is the 'Oh Dear' arc.

Master Devlin: Ah yes, of course, course. Oh dear.....

Stanbot enters the room. Waldo's jaw falls off.

Master Devlin: Ah, Stanbot, can you assist? This goblin appears to be broken.

Stanbot: I can try.

Stanbot puts Waldo’s jaw back on with sellotape. The sellotape inexplicably bursts into flames.

Master Devlin: Hmm. We might have to take Waldo to see his witch doctor. Waldo, who is your doctor?

The WalDOS interface displays an image of Waldo's witch doctor: a wooden masked character.

WalDOS interface: I think this is him. His name is Larry. Shouldn't be too hard to find.

Master Devlin: Any hints of where to look first?

WalDOS interface: Scanning.... Found: Dr. Lawrence Fraser's Practice... Portobello Road...

Master Devlin: Perfect. I'll go there now.

Chapter 5

Master Devlin flies to London and walks down Portobello Road, searching for someone named Larry. Eventually, he finds what he thinks is the right place and steps into a dimly lit, musty shop. Inside, a wooden mask adorned with feathers floats in mid-air.

Master Devlin: Excuse me, sir? Is your name Larry? I was told by my associate, Widdle Frunkut, that I’d find you here.

Mask: Uku uka. Booliga!

Master Devlin: Oh dear...

Mask: Ack! cough cough Ahem. Oh, sorry aboot that, eh? Got a bit of a cold, ya know. Yes, sir, ye' came to the right place, there, buddy. Lawrence Frasier MD, but my patients usually call me Larry. Pleased to meet ya. How can I help?

Master Devlin: Hello, Dr. Fraser. I am Master Devlin. Widdle Frunkut is my pupil...

Larry: Covid probably. No, I’m not going to hold... You tell him I need that essence of toad yesterday... Ah, yes, Master Devlin. I’ve heard about you. No, you’re speaking out of turn, there buddy—now as your doctor, I’m advising in the strongest possible terms not to let any more disreputable gypsies change your oil! How is the old pirate doing anyway?

Master Devlin: Are you alright, Larry? You seem a little... distracted.

Larry: Well, I am performing surgery as we speak.

Master Devlin: You are?

Larry: Sorry, Master Devlin, I’m very busy. I can talk, but I’m afraid I can’t give you my full, undivided attention at this time. No! Not even from a succubus. Especially not a succubus!

Master Devlin: You are eating a meal right now.

Larry: Look, I don’t tellya how to do your job, pencilneck. Don’t tell me how to do mine! Alright, I gotta go... goodbye... Suction, please...

Master Devlin: I think we’re getting off topic. How about we start over?

Larry: Just a second, please... Yeah? Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Alright. That’s great, thank you... Goodbye!

Master Devlin: 🤨

Larry: Goddamn punk. Sorry there, Master Devlin, you were saying?

Master Devlin: Are you alright now?

Larry: I’m fine. Why? Oh... wait, right, yeah... I suppose I should explain. Basically, I exist in more than one place at a time. I’m here with you in my shop, but I’m also performing surgery and trying to order more supplies as we speak. Things can get a little hectic at times.

Master Devlin: Of course you do... 🙄

Larry: You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to, but may I remind you that you’re talking to a floating mask... Now, what can I do for you? I’m a busy mask...

Master Devlin: Let me guess, you also follow bandicoot around in another realm?

Larry: I can’t talk about that. Doctor-patient confidentiality...

Master Devlin: Yes, quite. Can we conduct a conversation now?

Larry: Just a sec... Okay. Yeah. I’m all yours now, proceed...

Master Devlin: Widdle Frunkut is ill.

Larry: What’s wrong with him?

Master Devlin: He was recently beheaded by a savage. His body was then poached in a soup and returned to him. I then took him to another witch doctor, who clipped his three hairs, removed his fluids, and gave him a brown liquid to drink. Waldo has now aged considerably and is quite weary.

Larry: That’s terrible. I’m concerned that he’s not regenerating... Tell me, did this occur in some foreign place? Birmingham, perhaps?

Master Devlin: In Nairobi.

Larry: Ah, figures... This could be quite serious.

Master Devlin: Should I bring him to you?

Larry: Yes. We need to bring him back for tests. I’ll have my secretary send an appointment. Should only take 6 months or so. Maybe 9.

Master Devlin: I’m afraid this is urgent. I will fly back and bring him here right now. Should only take an hour.

Larry: Sorry. I’m afraid there is a queue. NHS waiting times.

Master Devlin: I have gold. Lots of gold.

Larry: Can’t accept payment, sir.

Master Devlin: Really? Something tells me you’re not NHS. There are three white people hanging from your ceiling...

Larry makes an NHS certificate appear and float in front of Master Devlin.

Larry: Certification... Actually, those were mandated by the NHS. Part of their new diversity and inclusion policies. I don’t agree with it, for the record, but it seems pretty popular with the locals around here...

Master Devlin: Well, I just figured this was like a Haitian neighborhood.

Larry: I’m not Haitian. And actually, this neighborhood used to be all white when I set up this practice, but it’s changed quite a bit since. Actually, I’m thinking of moving. I just feel like it’s kinda gone downhill, you know? I’m not sure why. Though it keeps me busy at least. Lot of stabbings, acid attacks, that kind of thing...

Master Devlin: There’s a Tonton Macoute poster on your wall.

Larry: A nu-local left it there. I’d tear it down, but I have no hands...

Master Devlin rips down the poster for him.

Larry: Thanks!

Master Devlin: My goblin needs immediate attention. Tell me how to fix him then.

Larry: Well, to be honest, it sounds like it’s probably beyond my knowledge. There is a man, though... He specializes in ridding the world of African plagues.

Master Devlin: David Livingstone? He’s dead...

Larry: Uh... No, not him... They call him Kazuhira "Kikongo Killer" Miller. He’s the man you want... He’s a former merc. Was known as the One Man Klan. Tried to build a Mother Base for the 'Master Race'. Until the La-li-lu-le-lo put the kibosh on it. Bit weird, but apart from that, he’s a good guy.

Master Devlin: McDonnell Miller? Yes, I know him. He helped me build Master Base. I haven’t seen him for years, though. In fact, I haven’t returned to Master Base since I removed Reginald Van Der Beak from power.

Larry: Oh, cool! Well, he knows all about foreign pathogens and parasites. He might even have some futuristic R&D tech to help our Waldo...

Master Devlin: Do you know where I can find Kaz?

Larry: Not really. I heard he went into hiding.

Master Devlin: Do you know who would?

Larry: There was a retired colonel, but I don’t think he’ll be much help. He’s quite mad apparently—more so than Waldo.

Master Devlin: What’s his name?

Larry: Campbell, I think. You’re wasting your time, though. He’s nuts!

Master Devlin: I heard about him. He kept saying he needed scissors, 61 or something...

Larry: Yeah, he hacked his way onto national television one night and started spouting nonsense. Yes, giving bizarre gardening advice.

Master Devlin: Well, I think I need to take Waldo to Master Base, which I swore I would never do. Then I need to find Kaz. I think I might have an idea how to locate him.

Larry: Good luck! No, I will not wait on hold! We have a bleeder. Clamps!

The Master exits the shop.