Dr Drabak
The following takes place immediately following: Ermintrude
After assigning a female staff member to assist Ermintrude, Master Devlin headed up to his quarters for some peace and quiet. When he reached his dorm room, he heard an awful sound coming from within — and the door was ajar.
Waldo must’ve gotten in and is doing something improper to one of his alley cats again, he thought grimly.
He barged in, prepared for the worst — only to find Kazuhira Miller awkwardly struggling to play the fiddle with his robot arm.
Kaz: What’s up, Boss? Long time…
MD: Miller? What are you doing here?
Kaz: Just moved in. Widdlington’s the new frontier.
MD: Oh?
Kaz: I’ve decided to leave the PMC and base-building life behind and take another stab at the burger business. As you may recall, business was going badly in Alaska — I got cancelled by BLM for stating simple facts... but now that some time has passed, I thought I’d give it another shot. And I heard the Waldoverse had recently undergone a drastic dewokening, so I figured this might be the place.
MD: I see.
Kaz: I still have the place in Anchorage, but I’m looking to take the chemical burger worldwide. Turn Pax Hamburgana into an interrealm franchise. And I thought you might be interested in getting on board at the ground level…
MD: …
Kaz: I need two things. First, I was hoping to park and operate my burger van here on campus — and that you might put in a good word for me with the Council to secure a permit. Second, I need a lawyer. Heard you were best man for that Travers guy. I hear he's the biggest lawyer in Waldonia. Thought maybe you could get me a sit-down.
MD: Well Kaz, I—
A distant clamor rose from outside.
Kaz: Huh? Something going on out there?
They stepped to the window. Waldo’s house — or rather, his dumpster — was being dragged across the lawn by six honking camels, while he lashed at them with a tiny whip. The absurd caravan sped wildly across the grounds before smashing into the ancient oak at the far end, which collapsed with a groan onto the wreckage. Dead camel milk began pouring into the duck pond. A small green figure, dressed like Lawrence of Arabia, scampered off into the woods.
Kaz: What the… Is that kind of thing typical of this place?
They watched as Master Ron knelt beside a trampled student, trying to offer spiritual advice while the ducks nearby began vomiting blood and collapsing.
MD: I’m afraid so…
The Master sighed.
MD: Well, firstly, I see no reason why you can’t operate your van on Council grounds. I’ll be happy to help you get the permit. As for legal advice, personally, I wouldn’t go anywhere near Harris Travers. He’s a total clown and will not provide you with the legal expertise you need. He advertises as the biggest lawyer in Waldonia and a self-proclaimed national treasure. But he’s actually a crook. A self-declared solicitor with no law degree, nor has he passed the bar. He’s more of a lone shark, really… deliberately entangles people in trouble, blackmails them, and then offers to represent them in court.
Kaz: Huh. I see…
MD: We do have an in-house legal team — I’ll ask them to assist you. Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I must go and chastise Widdle Frunkut…
A woman’s scream rang out across the lawn. They turned to see Waldo sprinting after a woman in a thick turtleneck, her large breasts swinging wildly beneath the wool.
Woman: Get away from me, you horrid thing!
wF: Come here, my pretty! Hehehehe. I said come here!
She tripped and tumbled forward. Her thick-rimmed glasses flew off.
Woman: My glasses! I can’t see without them!
Waldo flung himself on top of her and began cuddling her.
Devlin and Miller raced outside to intervene in Waldo’s inappropriate display of affection. The Master seized Waldo by the scruff and hoisted him into the air like a wet terrier.
MD: WIDDLE FRUNKUT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
wF: You got nothing on me, cop. We ain’t saying nothing.
MD: Madam, are you alright?
Miller helped the woman up.
Woman: Oh… yes, yes… thank you. I’m uninjured, at least. That little terror approached me near the library, offered me dead flowers… and asked me to marry it!
MD: Did he now? 🤨
Woman: I told it no, but it said I was “just looking to be chased a bit”… Then it literally chased me across the grounds and tackled me!
The Master glared at Waldo. 😠
wF: 😏😘
MD: Well, you’re safe now. I do apologise. I’m afraid he’s quite mentally disturbed, madam. His ex-wife left him, and he’s become even more unstable since.
MD: Widdle Frunkut is very sorry, isn’t he?
Waldo nodded, still dangling.
MD: Say you’re sorry, Waldo…
wF: I offer my most sincerest apologies, Madam. I simply misread the situation. It is true I have been struggling with a breakup of late, but that does not excuse my insane behaviour… I can only offer, again, my most humble and unreserved apologies.
Woman: Oh… 🤨 Um… I must admit I didn’t expect that... Well, I suppose I can forgive it this time. But you mustn’t do that again… To anyone!
wF: You have my word, madam.
Woman: Good. In that case, I will not report it to authorities. Besides, I have a lot of work to do… Though perhaps you can be of assistance… You are a goblin, yes?
wF: Indeed I am, madam. Green goblin or a uh, huhwhite goblin, according to Samuel…
Woman: Who is Samuel?
wF: He’s a man who lives on the radio. Talks all fancy... Saso here is his biggest fan!
She turned to the Master, brushing her hair back, a glint in her eye.
Woman: You’re Saso?
Master noticed she bore several scars — recent, but not too recent — across her face, though he tried not to stare.
MD: My name is Master Steven Devlin, madam. How can I assist you?
Woman: Master Steven Devlin?
She jumped with delight.
Woman: Oh my, this is fortuitous! I was just reading about you earlier in the archives. I’ve followed your work quite extensively… I… oh. Forgive me. Where are my manners? My name is Dr Drabak. Dr Evangeline Drabak, Doctor of Parapsychology at the Waldonian University. And of course, this is the infamous Widdle Frunkut… I realize now you said that already, but I was too flustered to think… I’m familiar with a number of your exploits.
Miller, feeling slightly out of place, chimed in.
Kaz: Hey, I’m Kaz! It’s short for Kazuhira. It means peace, y’know…
Eva: Oh… that’s nice…
Eva: Master Devlin, I hope you won’t think me forward, but I’d very much like to discuss matters of some importance with you. I am quite famished, however… I wonder, might I buy you lunch while I pick your brain? Is there anywhere good around here?
Kaz: As a matter of fact, there is! I’ve got a burger truck nearby. I’ll make you my world-famous chemical burger.
MD: Excellent.
Eva: Oh… that sounds… nice, I suppose…
MD: What about this one?
He gave Waldo a little shake by the scruff.
Eva: Oh yes, he’s welcome. As long as he behaves.
MD: Of course he will. Won’t you, Widdle Frunkut?
The Master squeezed just enough to elicit discomfort.
wF: Yes sir… 😣
Kaz: Outstanding. Three chemical burgers, coming up!
The story continues in Dr Drabak's Request