Travers Tells His Truth
The following takes place following: Beaks, Lies & Videotape
In the press briefing room where Ermintrude is taking questions as she waits for the President.
Ermintrude: "I can assure you the President indeed remains the Commander-in-Chief of this administration and no birds are pulling his strings. With regard to the rumours, the President will... Ah, here is President Travers now. Will you all please stand?"
The media representatives all stand as Travers walks in and ushers them to be seated. Master Devlin stands patiently yet supportively at the back of the stage.
The little goblin climbs up onto the high stool at the podium so he can tower over the press.
Travers: “Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for coming. This is a very serious matter and, as your President, I feel it is my duty to address it head-on... Recently, I was the victim of a heinous plot orchestrated by Tess von Hildendorf, the now former Secretary of Aesthetic Affairs and a leading figure in the Avian Coalition for Progressive Policies.
Nine days ago, Ms von Hildendorf drugged me and performed an unauthorised oil change—out of turn, I might add—while I was incapacitated, and recorded the act without my consent. She later used this recording to blackmail me into granting her a Cabinet position and advancing the interests of her organisation, the ACPP.
This same blackmail was leveraged to secure the controversial pardon of Reginald Van Der Beak, a notorious criminal and enemy of our nation. At the time, I decided to play along in order to uncover the extent of this conspiracy and those involved. Today, I am here to tell you that I have been gathering evidence against these conspirators and will be appointing a special prosecutor to investigate the ACPP’s activities.
Effective immediately, the ACPP will no longer have permission to operate from the Citadel’s top floor, and I am instructing the Justice Department to cooperate fully in this investigation. This administration will not tolerate corruption, manipulation, or bird-related malfeasance. Thank you. I will now take your questions. Yes, Daniel?”
Reporter #1: "Uh... David. David Stuartson, Wallywood Times... Mr President. You say Ms von Hildendorf gave an... unauthorised oil change... Uh... can you elaborate on what exactly an oil change entails in this context?”
Travers: “That's a tough question, Dave. A fair question, but tough... But that's okay, I love tough questions. Nobody loves them more than me. Shows we’ve got a free press... Now, look, let’s be honest here: the details of the oil change and what it is aren’t important. It’s all rather technical, goblin stuff—you wouldn’t understand. And frankly, it’s a private matter... But what matters, folks, is the key facts...
Tess von Hildendorf—this very nasty, conniving penguin—one of the nastiest birds I’ve ever met—took advantage when I let my guard down. She must've slipped something into my drink—probably fish oil, who knows. And while I was incapacitated, she recorded herself changing my oil... SHE FILMED IT! Who does that? I’ll tell you who: criminals. Evil birds. That’s who.
Anyway, what’s important is that I was targeted. The President was targeted. And this wasn’t just about me—this was an attack on the very fabric of our democracy. Von Hildendorf and her little bird gang thought they could strong-arm me into doing their dirty work. Well, guess what? They thought wrong... Next question! You. Yes, you...”
Reporter #2: "So to be clear, Mr President, you are confirming the rumours of a sex tape involving you and Ms von Hildendorf and—"
Travers: "Who said anything about a SEX tape?? I sure didn't... But yes, there’s a tape. A very bad tape... A tape from hell!"
Reporter #2: "Will the Waldhouse be releasing this tape to the public?"
Travers: "What? Of course not. What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you want to see it? It's a tape that no one should ever see because, frankly, it’s disgusting. Believe me, no one was more shocked than me when I found out what happened."
Reporter #2: "Under the Freedom of Information Act, we should have access to it..."
Travers: "Well too bad, it doesn't apply. It's classified! National security... Next... Yes?"
Reporter #3: "Mr President, given the details you've shared, is it fair to assume that the 'oil change' you’re describing is a euphemism for a sexual act? And if so, are you alleging that you were the victim of rape?"
Travers: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You are speaking out of turn there, young lady... Rape? That’s a very strong word. Very strong. And very appropriate... Look, I was drugged, I was incapacitated, things happened—things I didn’t agree to, okay? That much is true. But was it rape? Rape? No, no, absolutely not... Not Harris Travers. The President of Waldonia does not get raped, okay?”
Reporter #3: "Mr President, I understand your hesitancy to use the term, but isn’t it important to call this what it is if you’re claiming you couldn’t consent? Wouldn’t that help destigmatise talking about these kinds of crimes? And is the First Lady standing by you?"
Travers: "Of course she is. The real crime was how terrible the oil change was…”
Reporter #3: “So you do remember it?”
Travers: “NO! I meant from watching it... I've seen some lousy pornography in my time but Ed damn... And when I showed it to Mrs Travers, she said, ‘Honey... that is the worst oil change I’ve ever seen.’ And believe me, folks, it really was. Incredibly sloppy—and not in a good way. It was all beak and flippers... Frankly, I’m relieved I don’t remember it taking place.
And another thing—I don’t want this to become about me. It’s not about me. We all know I’m a national treasure already. I can take anything... The birds. The corruption. The ACPP trying to control our nation. That’s the real issue here. Not the lousy oil change... Next question.”
The Master steps onto the stage and whispers in Travers’ ear.
Master Devlin: "Travers, you’re losing the press here. You need to be honest with them and call it what it is. You will be seen as a courageous President for speaking out."
Reporter #4: "Mr President, with all due respect, for all the times you told us you were a strong leader, it sounds like you were easily swayed. Were you really willing to allow the return of Birdonia over a sex tape?"
Travers: "Not at all! I was not swayed for a second, and let me tell you something—nobody—and I mean nobody—is stronger than Harris Travers. You think I'm gonna let a little rape tape scare me?? Me? Travers! No way! I’m the strongest leader this country has ever had. People say it all the time, 'Mr President, how are you so strong?' And you know what I say? I say, 'It’s natural. I was born this way. It's all goblin muscle and grit. You can't learn that! Either you’ve got it or you haven’t, folks.'
Now, did I play along for a little while? Sure. That’s called strategy, folks. That’s called playing the long game. While they thought they had me in their little birdy claws, I was watching. I was learning. I was finding out who their allies were, what they wanted, and what they were planning.
But let’s be very clear, VERY clear: I was never swayed. Not for a second. I was playing chess while they were playing chequers. Bad chequers. And frankly, when you think about it, I was the one in control the whole time. They wanted to use me to bring back Birdonia? Guess what? It didn’t happen. Why? Because I’m too smart. Too strong. Too... me. Next question..."
Reporter #3: "Mr President, by describing it as a 'rape tape', are you now confirming that you are a victim of rape?"
Travers: "NO! It's just an expression... Look... I was... sexually assaulted! Okay? For that vicious witch of a penguin to violate me like that, and for her to then attempt to coerce me after trying to rob me of my dignity... it was a horrible thing... a terrible thing... and frankly, I'm still processing what happened. So forgive me if I'm still struggling to find the right words to describe the ordeal. I would humbly ask for a little patience and sensitivity at this time…
Reporter #5: “Mr President, why have you chosen to keep this quiet until now? What changed?”
Travers: “As I’ve explained repeatedly now, I was simply playing along and temporarily giving in to their demands in order to uncover the extent of the corruption—I can't go into every detail due to national security and ongoing investigations, but it goes real deep, folks...
As we speak the birds’ nest is being raided and shut down. If I get my way, a lot of people are going to jail... who knows, maybe we'll even put George the shark back to work... I see he's looking a lot healthier now, thanks to the weight-loss spell courtesy of my personal physician, Dr Lawrence Fraser... He's a hell of a guy, that Larry. He can cure just about anything... Maybe even that... looks kinda nasty..."
Travers casually points at something on Reporter #4's face.
He then straightens his jacket and glances nervously down at the tablet screen below the microphone on the podium. The livestream of the press conference is displayed, with comments pouring in at a relentless pace. His moustache twitches as his eyes scan the messages
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WooWatcher1420: “Oil change? What even?? LMAO 🤣”
Waldo7: HA HA! The Travers man got PEGGED by a PENGUIN!!! 🐧😂
Onlystans02: Sounds like he enjoyed it tbh. #GoblinCuck 🤭
Jessica Langford: Leave him alone! President Travers is brave for coming forward! 💪🏽
Frakes Fact or Fiction: @Waldo7 You're right again. It's fact...
RogueStaplerGuy23: Dude literally got r-worded by a bird. WEAK AF. 😂🐦
NationalTreasureRocks: WTF ARE YOU DOING?? So much for the strong man leader... It's over lads... 🙄
ARG 47: This is a disgrace. Impeach Travers NOW.
MWGA: Can't believe I voted for this guy... smh 😤
The Dancing Israeli: RELEASE THE TAPE 🎥
ChantelleDevs4Real: Ya’ll better quit clownin’ my boy Harris. Dude got drugged, violated, and STILL up there runnin’ the country. Y’all could never. 🙄✌🏾💯
Birdonia Forever: Outrageous slander. 😡
McFluffy: F for POW Travers. What a disappointment. 😞
VAMPSUCKS: @NationalTreasureRocks Nah, man. It's cool. It's all part of the plan... Travers is just playing some 7D chess. Keep the faith, Brother. 🧠♟️
QuantumBurrito: #PenguinPegged 🤣🤣🤣 My sides...
TraversFanGirl: Prez playing the victim gives me the yuck. NGL 🤮
Waldonian Patriot77: Stay strong, Mr. President! We’re with you! 🙏🏻💙
BirdBasher: These birds are getting out of control. Deport them all! 🦅✂️
BigDaveTheThird: What was it? Fish oil? Motor oil? LMFAO! 🛢️😂
ColePhelps: X to Doubt. 🤨
NotAnACPPBot: The president is lying. This is all a smear campaign against birds! 🐦
Stacy Greene: @TraversFanGirl For real. I quite fancied him up until about 2 minutes ago... Now...ugh... 🤦🏽♀️
TrashGoblin26: LOL imagine getting blackmailed over THAT. What a little bitch. 😂👀
Laser Pineapple: What an embarrassment to Waldonia. 🥴
Widdicombe Justice: NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS
Joshua Baker: @Birdonia Forever You have to go back... 👋
Walver Lake Mom84: He’s doing his best in a tough situation. Cut him some slack!
Robin Wood454: Council bitch got bummed. HAHAHAHAHA. 😂
Sarah-Louise Platt: Oil Changes are no joke, fyi. You can get pregnant!
StopTheBirds: The ACPP is pure evil. Thank you for standing up to them, Mr. President! 🔥
WF77: PEGGED by a PENGUIN!!! 🐧😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Travers: "I'm not a bitch you little asshole! You're the bitch! I'm not playing the victim and nobody pegged Travers! It was an oil change dammit!"
The reporters looked at each other in confusion as Travers yelled at the livestream comments. The Master facepalms.
Travers starts to turn pale, swaying on his stool as the press continued their relentless barrage of questions. He grips the podium for dear life but eventually, it became too much to bear—Travers fainted, toppling from the stool and landing on his face. Staff rushed to his aid to scoop him up as the press eagerly snapped photos, capturing every moment.
The Waldoverse continues in TBD