New Secretary

Following the parole hearing, Master Devlin escorts Mayuri back to her home/office. Waldo follows, dragging his feet. Upon entering, both the Master and Waldo are stunned to find Waldo’s supposed fiancée, Ermintrude Maine-Anjou (aka Cow Girl), topless and sitting at the reception desk.

wF: Ermie...😳 What’s the meaning of this?? I thought you went back to your world... Why are you here??

Ermie: Hello, beloved! I got a new job here in the city! Isn’t it wonderful? No more slaving away on the farm or worrying about vicious goblin attacks. Now I just greet clients and make appointments for Mr. & Mrs. Travers... Hi, Master Devlin! It’s nice to see you again.

MD (blushing): Um... Hello, Ermintrude.

She leans forward proudly.

Ermie: Do you like my uniform? Much better than those dirty overalls, don’t you think?

wF (drooling): Yes, yes indeed I do...🤤

The little goblin leaps over the desk and into her arms. She cradles him into her bosom as he purrs contentedly.

Ermie: I wasn’t sure about it at first, but Mr. Travers says people have a more laid-back attitude here in the big city. He says it helps bring in customers.

The Master notices a flicker of jealousy in Mayuri’s eyes as she watches Waldo nestled between Ermie’s assets.

MD: I take it you were aware that your new receptionist is Waldo’s fiancée?

Mayuri: I’m aware, yes. Though I didn’t know until after she was hired. My husband brought her in out of the blue—apparently Mr. Boothe was driving away potential clients...

MD: Out of the blue, eh? Oh—uh, careful, Ermintrude, don’t tickle Waldo’s upper lip. It makes him go a bit... weird.

Ermie: Oh? Okay.

Mayuri: Thank you for walking me home, Senpai. You’re very kind. Would you like to stay for lunch? We’re having chicken tenders.

MD: Oh, umm, yes please, Mayuri. So, where is your husband... Travers?

Mayuri: I’m not sure. He’s often away on business.

MD (smirking): I’m sure.

Mayuri: He’s on the board of a novelty retail chain. They manufacture joke items—particularly fake moustaches, which seem to be the most popular. He travels frequently for that business.

The Master chuckles.

Mayuri: I’ve never understood his interest, honestly. A lawyer and national treasure investing so much time in silly toys...

MD: Is he supplying beards and moustaches to the Taliban?

Mayuri: I don’t know about that... I know they also make fake bosoms for stag parties and such. Anyway, I’m left in charge while he’s away.

MD: Seems like he’s got his finger in many pies, eh?

Mayuri (softly): I’m a little sensitive about the moustache thing...

MD: How come?

Mayuri: You may recall it was Goberin-san lying about stealing fake moustaches that ended our relationship. I did love him... I still do. But the lying was too much. He claimed he didn’t remember anything about them—right to my face. It was hurtful. Anyway, I’ll prepare lunch. Excuse me...

She exits. The Master glances at Waldo, now napping contentedly between Ermie’s enormous gonzagas.

MD: Ermintrude, may I have a private word? You can pop Waldo in that box.

Ermie: Oh, okay.

She gently lowers Waldo into a box and turns to Devlin.

Ermie: He’s so cute and squishy, isn’t he?

MD: Yes, quite. Tell me, are you aware of the similarities between Widdle Frunkut and Mr. Travers?

Ermie: Oh yes. In fact, I asked Mr. Travers if he was related to Waldo when we first met. He said no. Then he said I was speculating out of turn and stared at my chest for 17 minutes... Then offered me a job. Honestly, I don’t understand why people get so worked up about job interviews—mine was very easy. He didn’t even ask any questions. Anyway, I think he’s a goblin too. Where I come from, goblins are evil monsters. They kill, rape, and pillage. My childhood friend makes a living slaying them. But here in the Waldoverse? I’ve learned they’re not all bad...

MD: I see.

Ermie: You know, Master Devlin... You remind me of someone from my world. He’s a lizard priest. Also a dairy enthusiast.

MD: Oh really? Anyway—back to Travers and your fiancé... Besides the moustache, the accent, and the older-sounding voice, they look awfully alike, don’t they? Have you ever noticed Waldo and Travers are never in the same room together?

Ermie: Yes, I did notice. But I also know Mrs. Travers used to be Mrs. Waldo, so I’m not surprised. Must be awkward. I wonder if they’re long-lost brothers? Maybe they don’t even know it!

MD: I’m afraid that’s not the case. They’re not brothers. They’re the same person. Or... goblin.

Ermie: The same person...? How could that be? Master Devlin: Waldo is mentally ill. MPD—Multiple Personality Disorder. His split personalities are advanced. He also has Doppler abilities. Ermie: That’s quite a claim, Master. Honestly, it seems a bit far-fetched. Do you have any evidence?

MD: I’ll show you. Watch this...

He pulls a fake moustache out of his pocket.

MD: The moustaches trigger Waldo into becoming Travers. Observe...

He gently affixes the moustache to the sleeping goblin’s face.

MD: Travers... Wake up, Travers!

Travers (groggy): Huh? What? Oh... it’s you, Master Devlin... It’s a bit early, isn’t it? You’re waking Travers out of turn...

MD: Apologies. Go back to sleep.

Travers: Nooo, Master Devlin. It’s time to get up anyway. The day’s a-wasting... Besides, I think it’s time for my morning oil change. If you’ll excuse me—Mayuri! Honey? I’m home! Time for old spit and polish!

He hops out of the box and heads upstairs to his office. Ermintrude watches, stunned.

MD: Are you alright? Do you understand now?

Ermiemie: Yes... I, um... Well. Even if it’s true... Why does it matter? They’re very different personalities. I’m just a humble farmhand turned receptionist. I’m not sure what you expect me to do. All I know is—I love Waldo.

MD: It matters not. I just wanted to make sure Mr. Travers hasn’t asked you to do anything obscene in your employ... Well, aside from the topless thing. He has a habit of demanding regular oil changes.

Ermie: Thank you. I appreciate your concern, Master Stan. But Mrs. Travers tends to that on a regular basis when he’s here.

MD: Yes... I’m very much aware of what they get up to. Just so you know—Mr. Travers is a pervert. And a sex addict.

Ermie: I understand. But he’s asked nothing of me, other than to bathe and sit like this at the front desk. The Traverses do seem to be free spirits... Not a bit shy or modest. Which is strange, because Mrs. Travers doesn’t seem like that when Mr. Travers is away. She’s such a nice girl. Then Mr. Travers returns and she slips into... harlot mode. Oh my goodness—I didn’t mean—Please don’t tell her I said that!

MD: It’s fine. She’s a nice girl. But admittedly, a bit of a simpleton. Easily convinced by Travers that it’s her duty to do these things.

Ermie: Well, she is his wife. To love and obey... And I am to be Waldo’s wife. I wonder if that will make us sisters?

MD: I don’t know about that. I feel I should also warn you about Waldo. While he might seem cute and sweet... he’s a schemer, a scammer, and a petty criminal. Watch your possessions.

Ermie: Oh, I don’t have any... Other than these, of course. He’s always grabbing them.

MD: Hmm. Well... I suppose they are attached to you, at least. Well I'm going to and speak out of turn to Travers. Good luck...

****

The Master enters to find Travers, now dressed in his sharp suit and wearing his toupee, settling comfortably into his office chair.

Travers: Ah, Master Devlin! You're still here? Good, good... Coffee?

MD: Sure.

Travers (calling out): Ermintrude! Two coffees, please! Black...

Ermie: Yes, Mr. Travers...

MD: I see you've hired Waldo's fiancée.

Travers: Oh yeah... Quite a pair on her, huh? She's something else. Waldo always finds the most delightful girls.

MD: He does indeed.

Travers (smirking): Yet can’t seem to keep them. That’s where I come in. I should really have Mr. Konrad follow him around full-time and report back to me.

MD: So... how's business? Still manipulating clients?

Travers: Oh, fine, fine... Some of the 7th Circuit judges are speaking out of turn.

MD: I'm sure.

Travers: Still waiting on my morning oil change, though... Unfortunately, the only thing that can get in the way is Mayuri’s love of chicken tenders.

MD: Yes, she’s making me some too.

Travers: Good! It’s nice hanging out, isn’t it? Just think—it wasn’t too long ago we were adversaries. Now we’re practically family.

MD: I wouldn’t go that far. But I suppose Mayuri does look on me as a father figure, so...

There's a knock at the office door.

Travers: Yes?

Ermintrude enters.

Ermie: Mr. Travers, there’s someone here to see you.

Without waiting for an invitation, an attractive blonde woman strides in. She's dressed in a smart blazer and skirt, carrying a briefcase.

Woman: Hello. I’m looking for a Mr. Harris Travers?

Travers (straightening up): You've found him, hot stuff...

Woman: Wow. You’re a lot greener than I expected.

Travers: Yeah, I get that a lot... It’s my English heritage—on my father’s side. And who might you be?

Woman: My name’s Cynthia Jones. I’m with Waldonian Revenue and Customs.

Travers: Oh...😓

Season 3 continues in Cynthia Jones