More Distractions

The following takes place following: Walvers

Master Devlin: Professor? What are you doing here?

Professor: I'm not sure, but I suspect I was teleported here without warning. Possibly by the Editor. I was in my study at the Imperial Palace, working on my new book — an official chronicle of the rise, fall, and subsequent revival of the Waldonian Empire... I've been appointed official scholar of the Imperial Court by Her Imperial Majesty herself, you see... Anyway, I was writing my book when suddenly I realised I was no longer in my office, but in some kind of library. I stepped outside — that large building over there across the street... That's when I recognised you in the distance. You are rather distinct-looking.

Master Devlin: Yes, I'd imagine the Editor is behind your unexpected arrival. Anyway, you were telling us about how he is the devil?

Professor: Oh yes... Well, I was explaining to the young lady that the Editor is a powerful being in this realm, known for his malevolence and trickery... that some, myself included, would describe as the devil. I suspect you're right. As to why he brought me here, I cannot speculate. Fortunately, the Waldonian Empire lives on — despite his abandonment of it. We have a most kind and beloved Empress now. Did I mention she appointed me official chief scholar?

Walvers shakes his head.

Professor: Oh well, yes, it was a great honour... I have an office and quarters in the palace. And I'm working on my new book — The Waldonian Empire Redux is the working title. It chronicles the rise, fall, and subsequent revival of the Empire.

Master Devlin: Um. Yes you mentioned the book. But, yes, the Editor is a real bastard. Well, we are on a quest to find Reg Van Der Beak and his pet Lutin. The Editor made him a female human now. Also, the Editor won't tell us where he is, and I frankly can't be bothered looking for him. But anyway. Might I introduce you to Ermintrude the cow girl, the Priestess, and this armoured specimen is the Goblin Slayer. As you can see, Waldo is a little worse for wear. The Goblin Slayer kicked him rather hard. Waldo, say hi to the Professor.

Walvers does his spazzy wave.

The girls smile and nod politely.

Master Devlin: So, who is the current leader of the Waldonian Empire?

Professor: The current leader is our benevolent Empress... Kaiserin Mayuri von Walverschmidt.

Master Devlin: 🤨 But she’s here.

Professor: Oh? ... I mean yes, of course, she would be here, wouldn’t she, at this time... She's also in my time, albeit a little older.

Master Devlin: Right... but what about Tess?

Professor: Why, Tess von Hildendorf was deposed and disappeared. Never to be seen again.

Master Devlin: She’s locked up at the zoo just now.

Professor: She is? My, my. Above my word. So she also travelled back in time again?

The Master shows the Professor the article from her parole hearing.

Master Devlin: As far as I'm aware, she’s still there. Also, all of Waldo’s wives turned up at the same time. It was amusing.

Professor: Oh... quite the trainwreck, I can imagine. Anyway, in my time, von Hildendorf hadn’t been seen for twenty years. We just recently celebrated our beloved Empress’ 50th birthday, and the Kaiser... well... we don’t speak of it. I expect you’ll have noticed I’ve aged a fair bit since our last encounter.

Master Devlin: Yes, well no offence, Professor — you appeared to age while I was with you. I’d look away for a moment, look back, and you’d aged ten years.

Professor: Oh. I see... Well. I understand this is all rather confusing. I'm wary about discussing too much of things that are yet to come to pass.

Master Devlin: I doubt it matters much. I assumed our two timelines run parallel? For example, Waldo here — i.e. the former Emperor — being here in this timeline means he is not in Waldonia. Or the fact that Tess is here in this timeline would account for her absence in yours. The troubling part is that Mayuri has been here this whole time, as far as I’m aware. Albeit she was in a coma for a few weeks, then recently spent her days as a crack whore speaking in jive language. Eventually, she kicked that after we put her through some severe detox. Now she’s a simple housewife.

Professor: 😟 The Kaiserin was a crack... whore?? Jive...? 😓😓 Good lord.

Master Devlin: Yes, she was rather repulsive. The editor put her into a rape hospital, which messed her up. But she’s clean now.

Ermintrude: Are you alright, Professor?

Professor: What? Oh. Yes... yes...

Ermintrude: Master, the Professor says their Mayuri is older. Maybe she hasn't gone there yet.

She looks at Walvers with a concerned look.

Professor: I'm afraid I'm but a humble historian. Not a physicist... Timelines and time travel aren’t my area.

Three fresh hairs sprout from Waldo’s scalp. His thin moustache falls off.

wF: Hello! It's me! Wiffuhuh!

Master Devlin: Ohh. Goblin Slayer, may I introduce you to Widdle Frunkut?

Goblin Slayer: ...

Priestess, Ermintrude, and Professor Woolley: 🤔

Professor: Where did Mr Walvers go?

Goblin Slayer sighs.

Ermintrude hugs Waldo, squishing him like a teddy bear.

Ermintrude: This is my fiancé, Priestess!

Professor: Oh, um... Hello.

Professor: ...Yes, well... I’m familiar with Kaiser von Frunklich... our absent Emperor.

Master Devlin: Widdle Frunkut likes to pretend and perform. Today he was playing a cross between himself and Mr Harris Travers, the lawyer. Don’t be alarmed—he is just quite mad. But do be aware he might try to rob you... as he is attempting to do now, as we speak.

The Master casually returns a wallet to Professor Woolley and a necklace to Priestess—both of which Waldo had just stolen.

Goblin Slayer is visibly trying to contain his rage.

wF: Outrageous! We've never heard so much swander in our wives! Waldo was cweaning these items, is all. Waldoverse policy: foreigners and personal items must be decontaminated.

The Master examines them. The wallet is coated in slime, and the necklace is visibly corroded.

Master Devlin: Cleaning, eh? I might add, this is not a Waldoverse policy. This is a Waldo policy. Priestess, if Waldo insists on bathing you, please politely decline. He will claim it is policy, but it really is not.

wF: Yes, well, Waldo is Head Custodian of this realm. So our policy is realm policy. There's nothing to fear, my dear. Ermintrude was thoroughly cleansed on her arrival. The Master is just an old fool—he’s offended by good hygiene.

Master Devlin: Custodian? You don’t do anything. But fine then—if it’s realm policy, Goblin Slayer, please remove your armour so Waldo can bathe you.

Goblin Slayer: Not going to happen. You said we were going to hunt a lutin...

Master Devlin: Oh, but Mr Goblin Slayer, it is policy—according to Waldo.

Goblin Slayer: My policy is slaying goblins.

Master Devlin: Waldo, aren’t you going to give the Goblin Slayer a clean?

wF: Um... no. That’s your job. It’s policy that you do the menfolk, we do the womens. Remember?

Master Devlin: No it’s not. You just invented that. It’s your policy that you do the cleaning!

Waldo turns to Goblin Slayer, who takes a threatening posture.

Master Devlin: It looks like he’s refusing. What are you going to do about it, Waldo? As Head Custodian?

wF: Um...

Master Devlin: Express your concerns. Go on.

wF: ...Well, we’re going to have to log your failure to do your duty, Masta. You are passing the buck. No doubt you’ll be passed up for promotion again.

Master Devlin: No worries. Give me a demerit. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Also, Priestess—it seems you can refuse after all. Waldo will simply note your refusal in his clipboard.

Goblin Slayer: Shut up, both of you. The lutin. Now.

Master Devlin: Yes, quite.

wF: See, Masta. You made him mad. He’s fed up with your dilly-dallying. You better find somewhere to go quick, Masta. The knight looks like he's ready to pound both of us. Weesa no liking crunch time.

Master Devlin: Well, again, the thing is... we will have to hunt for Reg and the lutin. I don't know where they are... Perhaps if we split up? Goblin Slayer, you can take Priestess and see what you can dig up on the streets. See that large tower there? Might want to try up there. The Professor and I will head to the Council library to do some research.

Professor: We will?

Master Devlin: Yes. We need all the help we can get.

Goblin Slayer: Fine... Priestess, let's go.

Priestess awkwardly bows to them and hurries after Goblin Slayer.

Master Devlin: Good. Well, that should keep him busy a while. Now, would anyone care for a buttered crumpet?

Ermintrude: Sure!

wF: No! You don’t want to eat any of his butter... trust us!

Master Devlin: What is the matter with you, Waldo?

wF: You were up to your old tricks again. I won't have you poisoning my fiancée. The Professor can have one though...

Master Devlin: No, I wasn’t. I was offering food... You wanted to sexually assault the Priestess!

wF: Not true! We was being polites. Now, let's get back inside council grounds before Goblin Slayer comes back and goes all psycho. How about we all grab a chemical burger?

Master Devlin: Fine.

Season 4 continues in Shamefur Dispray