Goblin Slayer on Campus
The following takes place following: Sleaze, Lies & Gold
Reaching his dumpster on the Council grounds, Waldo settles in and opens a bottle of Lucozade, calmly sipping as he stares at the dirt streaks lining the walls of his living room. All of a sudden, a fist punches through the roof. Waldo gets grabbed and violently pulled from the dumpster, squashed in the attacker's hands. It is the Goblin Slayer.
Goblin Slayer: Goblin...
Waldo squawks loudly and struggles. Goblin Slayer holds Waldo by the scruff, scanning around the dumpster. He sees suits, various disguises like toupees, and a bunch of fake moustaches. He picks up a moustache and holds it in front of Waldo's face, confirming his target: Travers.
Goblin Slayer: This is the one...
He pulls out a large knife and brings it to Waldo's throat. Waldo squirms violently. A crowd of onlookers form.
wF: Ack. Help us's!
Wesley: I think not. Not after what you did to me...
Kaz: Me neither. Not a chance. I heard about you impersonating me. Played the Master like a damn fiddle...
Buffy: He molested me and my mother! All in the name of hotel sanitary policy... You should definitely smash him...
Guthrie: He never made my sandwiches...
Goblin Slayer: Everyone get back. This is going to get messy...
The Master walks up to the crowd.
Woman: My prawns were off and—
Master Devlin: What's all this?
wF: Masta! Help! He's going to kill us.
Master Devlin: Oi, gigantor. Put the goblin down. NOW.
Goblin Slayer: Huh? You!
Master Devlin: Yes, me.
Goblin Slayer: I knew you were lying... What I don't understand is why... What is this goblin to you?
Master Devlin: I pointed you in the right direction, didn't I? At the time you were in my way. Anyway, this goblin is my pupil.
Goblin Slayer: Pupil??
Master Devlin: That's right. You are on Council grounds.
Goblin Slayer: I'm here on official business. You have a goblin problem, and I've answered the contract...
Master Devlin: We deal with our own goblin problems here. You can do whatever you like when he leaves these grounds, but any harm against that goblin on these grounds is an offence and supercedes your 'official business'.
Goblin Slayer: ....
Master Devlin: So I say again. Put him down. Now.
Goblin Slayer: Hrmmm... Fine.
Goblin Slayer drops Waldo.
Ermintrude appears in the crowd.
Ermintrude: Goblin Slayer??
Goblin Slayer: Cow Girl...
Waldo is a badly bruised mess. He vomits all over himself.
Master Devlin: Ermintrude. You know this man?
Ermintrude: He's an adventurer. From my realm. We grew up together.
Goblin Slayer: Cow Girl, what are you doing here? I've been searching all over. Your uncle is worried.
Ermintrude: I live here now. I have a job. I'm engaged...
Goblin Slayer: Engaged?? To whom?
Ermintrude: To him. The dear sweet goblin you just tried to murder!
Goblin Slayer: HIM?? You're engaged... to a goblin!?
The normally stoic Goblin Slayer suddenly becomes enraged and kicks the dumpster, causing it to cave in. He starts to walk away.
Ermintrude: Goblin Slayer, wait!
Goblin Slayer: No. I can't even look at you right now...
He turns and points a finger at Waldo.
Goblin Slayer: And you... the moment you set foot outside these grounds... you're mine.
Goblin Slayer storms off. Ermintrude runs to Waldo and cradles him in her bosom. The crowd slowly disperses.
Master Devlin: Ermintrude, I thought you ran off with Samuel Waldo?
Ermintrude: I didn't run off with him. We just had lunch. He's very charming but then he disappeared! My poor Waldo... He's all shook up. And our home! It's collapsed. I knew he'd react this way... How did he find me? I never told anyone where I was going... They wouldn't understand.
Master Devlin: I understand he is looking for Travers. Travers has everyone after him, including a number of hit contracts. The Goblin Slayer is one of those hired...
Ermintrude: Oh dear... Is that why he's not been at work lately?
Master Devlin: Umm... yes. Anyway, don't worry about the dumpster. I can get you a new one. But I don't understand why you don't want a house.
Ermintrude: Mr Waldo says houses are a waste of space and resources. And that dumpsters are cosier. Plus with food delivered regularly for free.
Master Devlin: Very well. I'll go get you one. Be right back.
A few minutes later, Master Devlin returns with some janitors who bring in the new dumpster and take away the old one.
Ermintrude: Oh, thank you, Master Devlin. It's beautiful! Look Mr Waldo, isn't it nice?
Waldo hops out of her arms and inspects the dumpster with an unimpressed look.
wF: Hmph. Too clean and shiny... 😒
He spits on it.
wF: But it'll do, I suppose.
Ermintrude: Pay no attention to him. Thank you so much for the new home, Master Devlin... Say thank you, Waldo...
wF: Yeah yeah. Thanks Stan.
Waldo hops inside. The paint immediately melts off the dumpster and it begins to rust.
Master Devlin: Ermintrude, is there any way we can reason with your friend? Will he calm down?
Ermintrude: I'm not sure... He hates all goblins. He wants to kill them all...
Master Devlin: I see.
****
They hear the sound of a heavy goods vehicle backing up nearby. They turn and see it stopping next to Kaz's burger van. Men get out and start fitting Frakes with a harness.
Kaz: Huh? What's the meaning of this??
Man 1: We have orders to move this man off the grounds.
KazKaz: On whose authority?
Man 2: The highest there is... Ed Almighty...
Man 1: Also the Senior Council...
Master Dick, Master Don, and a confused Master Ron appear.
Master Don: What did I tell you folks? We have the best cranes.
Master Dick: Yes... thank you, Master Donnie. Now, men, kindly hoist this lousy good-for-nothing bum and get him off our property.
The crane lifts Frakes onto a flatbed truck.
Kaz: You can't do this! He's my best customer...
Master Dick: He's a disgrace. And if I had my way, you and your pollutants would also be out of here... But alas, Master Donnie here is a fan of those burgers of yours.
Master Don: What can I say, we get the best burgers here, believe me...
Frakes vomits blood on himself.
Master Devlin: He doesn't look much alive, does he?
The Master hops on the flatbed, pulling a stethoscope out of his pocket. He listens to Frakes' chest for a solid minute. He hears a single squelching heartbeat. Master Robert appears behind them. He stares at the hugely obese man on the flatbed and shakes his head in bemused disbelief before walking away.
Master Devlin: It's not sounding good. I would advise getting Frakes to the hospital...
Master Don: He's already going to the hospital. The best hospital... Greatest hospital I ever built... It's a rehab in Wallywood Hills. Not like that rape hospital in Widdicome... Those are some bad hombres, I tell ya...
Master Devlin: What are you talking about, Master Donald? You've never built a hospital... He needs a real hospital.
Master Don: Devlin, you are fake news...
Master Dick: Stay out of this, Devlin, you motherfucker... I'm tired of your bleeding heart interference... The editor is giving us a shiny new Elder Council building in exchange for giving access to that truck to take away that thing away. If you don't like it, take it up with the editor.
Master Ron: Have we invaded Grenada yet?
Master Dick: Sure, Ron, sure. Oh whatever. I don't care. Do what you like. Either take him to a hospital or dump him on the pavement outside the Council grounds. Either way, we don't want to be responsible for this mess... Let the local authority deal with him.
Master Ron: Mr Gorbachev... Tear down this wall.
Master Devlin: 🤨
Master Don: My wall is better!
Ermintrude walks up next to the Master, carrying Waldo.
wF: Your wall is a fence...
Master Don: And it's a big beautiful fence. It's not a problem, they can't get through either way. Believe me.
Master Dick walks away. Master Donald orders a chemical burger and the truck takes Frakes away. Master Ron smiles at Devlin.
Master Ron: I noticed you were all purple now too, Mikhail. That port wine stain on your head seems to have grown! It's now engulfed your entire body...
Master Devlin: I think you're a little confused, Ron. The Soviet Union is gone.
Master Ron: Yes, I know. I made it gone.
Master Devlin: Of course. Well then, I think it's time for your nap.
Master Ron: Oh... I suppose you're right.
Master Devlin: Ermintrude, my dear. Would you help Ron back to his quarters? It's just in that building over there...
Ermintrude: Sure thing, Master Devlin.
Ermintrude takes Ron by the arm and guides him across the lawn. Master Donald eats a chemical burger. Kaz looks depressed.
Master Devlin: Hey Kaz...
Kaz: Huh? Oh, what is it, Boss?
Master Devlin: Perhaps keep Donald here. He can be your new Frakes.
Kaz: Fine...
Master Devlin: Once Frakes gets his liposuction, he will return I'm sure.
Kaz: Hey... You're right!
The Master notices Goblin Slayer outside the main fence, staring at them intensely from across the street.
Master Devlin: I'm going to have a word with this Goblin Slayer...
Season 4 continues in Negotiations & Reunions