Of Smoothies & Streetwalkers

The following takes place following: Motion to Dismember

Master Devlin and Travers head to Pax Hamburgana for some lunch. They find Frakes sitting on the ground. He has tripled in size since they last saw him. He has now lost complete ability to move and has potentially had a stroke during this time, as his face has slumped on one side.

Kaz exits the truck and feeds Frakes a blended chemical burger smoothie.

Master Devlin: Good lord, Kaz. I know you feel that profits come first, but don't you feel like you have a responsibility not to overindulge your patrons?

Kaz: It's Mr. Frakes' choice. We at Pax Hamburgana believe in liberty and self-determination.

Master Devlin: I understand this, but look at him!

Kaz: Take it up with him... I don't force him.

The smoothie is spilling out of Frakes' mouth on his stroke side.

Master Devlin: Frakes, are you alright, man?

Frakes grunts.

Master Devlin: Do you need to go to a hospital?

Another grunt.

Master Devlin: Kaz, what's he saying?

Kaz: I don't know. I haven't been able to understand him for some time now.

Master Devlin: You just keep feeding him?

Kaz: That's right... Though we really must discuss his tab. He owes me approximately $77,000 Outer Heaven dollars.

Master Devlin: Oh dear.

Kaz: I was considering cutting him off until he pays, to be honest.

Master Devlin: Why didn't you?

Kaz: He's scared away my other customers. Also, I'd feel bad about it. He's my best customer and always paid upfront — until recently. But now we're both in debt.

Master Devlin: Ah. Well, his wallet must be under one of those folds.

The Master tries to lift one of the folds, but even he struggles.

Kaz: I tried to take him in the truck to the clinic for a check-up but as you can see...

The Master looks and sees the burst suspension on the burger van.

Kaz: Neither of us are going anywhere any time soon... I'm getting low on ingredients though. I've had to pad the burgers with sawdust. He doesn't seem to notice.

Master Devlin: I see.

Kaz: Oh, by the way, there was some kind of knight here yesterday. A guy in medieval-looking armor. He was looking for Travers.

Master Devlin: Yes, I met this person in Louisiana...

The Master takes the car jack from Kaz's van and starts cranking open one of the folds. He pries it open and finds Frakes' wallet, peels it off the skin, and hands it to Kaz.

Master Devlin: There you go...

Kaz: Thanks... Huh... There's only $7 U.S. dollars here...

Master Devlin: Try the credit card there.

Kaz: Oh... okay.

Kaz gets a handheld card reader out of the truck and swipes it.

Kaz: Hey... Jackpot! It cleared. Outstanding! Thanks, Boss...

Master Devlin: Frakes is paid by the editor, so he gets unlimited funds, I imagine.

Kaz: Really? Do you think he'd invest in Pax Hamburgana?

Master Devlin: Will you, Frakes?

Frakes grunts again and blows spit bubbles.

Master Devlin: I'd take that as a yes.

Kaz: Oh, by the way... Mrs. Travers...

Master Devlin: What about her?

Kaz: She, uh... propositioned both of us the other day.

Master Devlin: In what way?

Kaz: Sexually. I think... She's been hanging around the campus the past week. We've seen her taking men behind those bins over there...

Travers goes pale.

Master Devlin: Oh dear... What did she say to you?

Kaz: "Five bucks for an oil change."

Master Devlin: Good lord, she'll be riddled.

Travers: .....

Kaz: I didn't understand what that meant, but I declined. She then became very abusive. Was she always like that?

Master Devlin: No. She has amnesia. Do you know where she hangs out?

Kaz: No, but it can't be far.

Master Devlin: Travers, I'm sorry, but it might be safe to say that Mayuri probably has AIDS...

Travers: 😵

Travers passes out. His moustache falls off and Waldo wakes up.

Master Devlin: Ah, hey Wally.

wF: Hello, people! It's me, Wiffuhuh!

Master Devlin: Hey, Wally, look at Frakes! Can't even tell you if something is fact or not anymore...

Waldo turns to examine the grotesquely obese Frakes.

wF: Oh, is that right, butterball? You no longer of any fact-checking use?

Frakes grunts and wheezes.

Waldo starts circling Frakes like a hungry predator. Kaz and the Master look at each other.

Master Devlin: Umm... Waldo... What are you doing?

wF: Oh, nothing... Just analyzing this remarkable and... tasty-looking specimen...

Kaz: Uh... How about a burger, Mr. Waldo?

wF: Sure! Why not... Starters before the big meal.

Waldo licks his lips as Frakes starts to sweat, his eyes darting around. Suddenly, Mayuri Travers appears from behind the burger van, caked in makeup, carrying a handbag, and wearing a revealing and very trashy streetwalker outfit.

Mayuri: Any of you boys wanna party?

She spots the Master and swans up to him.

Mayuri: Hey there, big boy... You looking for a good time? Need some company? Master Devlin: Ummm. No thank you, Miss. I will have to pass...

Kaz: Take a hike, Betty. I told you before, this is my patch. Go on, beat it... scram!

Mayuri: Fuck you, limp dick! This is a free country, ain't it?

Waldo is suddenly horrified at the sight of what has become of his sweet and caring ex-wife.

wF: Mayuri-chan! What's happened to you??

Mayuri: My name is Maisonette, asshole... And what the fuck are you anyway?? Funny-ass little green monster!? You think you're better than me, huh??

Master Devlin: Now now. That's no way to speak to potential customers, is it?

Mayuri: And what's yo problem, purple man?? You a faggot or something? Don't know a good time when you see one?? Y'all a bunch of faggoty-ass bandits or something...

Master Devlin: Would that matter?

Mayuri: Shit yeah, nigga! Wastin' my time n' shit...

Master Devlin: I'm sure we are... Well, you best move along then.

Waldo now faints and collapses. The goblin's face then seems to age and he grows some silvery hair. It opens its eyes and stands up.

Samuel: Hello, dear listeners. It is me, Samuel Waldo. Back from sabbatical!

Master Devlin: Samuel! How are you?

They shake hands.

Samuel: Ah, Devlin! Oh yes, fine, fine thank you... I had some excellent conferences on the future of huhwite Goblin advocacy...

Mayuri: I ain't got time for this bullshit...

Mayuri storms off.

Master Devlin: I do apologise. She used to be such a nice girl. She has amnesia, y'see...Here everyone, take this anti-viral drug. We may have contracted something. Airborne STDs, perhaps.

The Master begins dispensing the preventative drugs to Kaz, Samuel, and Frakes. Kaz feeds Frakes his.

Master Devlin: Samuel, would you like a chemical burger?

Samuel: Well I don't know... huhwat is a chemical burger?

Kaz: The flagship of Pax Hamburgana. A tasty double-decker burger, bursting with additives — some highly experimental. Not yet licensed... They're real good!

Samuel: Oh, well then. Huhwhy not? Master Devlin: Excellent. I'll have one too, Kaz. Preferably without the sawdust. Put them on Frakes' tab, will you?

Kaz: You got it, Boss. Coming right up.

Samuel: So, Master Devlin, what's been going on in Waldobury?

Master Devlin: Well, let's see... Travers was in court on sexual assault and tax evasion charges recently. He got off with a fine, but now the mob are out to kill him after he was exposed as being a government informant...

Samuel: I see. I just had him on my podcast last month... I found him to be quite a charming huhwite goblin of good character.

Master Devlin: Of course... Then there's his wife, Mayuri Travers, over there propositioning some of my colleagues. She's just recently emerged from a coma with amnesia and now has apparently become a hooker...

Samuel: That's rather unfortunate, but perhaps it's for the best. Fine, upstanding huhwite goblins of good character should really find nice huhwite goblin wives...

Master Devlin: Let's see. What else? Ah, Tess von Hildendorf is locked up in a zoo, and Reg Van Der Beak is trans and has teamed up with a lutin.

Samuel: My goodness... Quite a number of developments in just a few weeks... And what about you, Master Devlin?

Master Devlin: Oh, y'know me... Nothing changes.

Samuel: Yes, quite... A consistent man named Stan! The foundation of the Waldoverse! The much-needed anchor!

Master Devlin: Ahh... umm... yes, thank you.

Ermintrude Maine-Anjou approaches.

Samuel's attention is immediately captured by her huge breasts.

Samuel: Oh my lawd...

Ermintrude: Hello, Master Devlin! I was wondering if you had seen my fiancé or Mr. Travers recently?

Master Devlin: Hello, my child. Yes, I saw them both not too long ago... Samuel, let me introduce you to Ermintrude! She's Widdle Frunkut's fiancée and Travers' new secretary. Ermintrude, this is Samuel Waldo.

Samuel: Enchanté, mademoiselle. My my, I can see Widdle Frunkut is a goblin of excellent taste.

Ermintrude giggles and blushes.

Ermintrude: Thank you. It's nice to meet you, sir. Are you related to my fiancé?

Samuel: Well, I like to think that all huhwite goblins are my extended family, so I suppose so. Tell me, my dear, would you care to join me for some lunch? I'd love to talk to you some more about huhwite goblins...

Ermintrude: Sure. I'd love to.

Season 4 continues in Divine Intervention