Divine Intervention

The following takes place some time after: Of Smooties & Streetwalkers

The Master is in his office catching up on his paperwork when Ed walks in uninvited.

Ed: NEXT TIME ON THE WALDOVERSE... Samuel Waldo steals Waldo's fiancée and ends up the target of a jealous, mentally unstable Goblin Slayer!

Master Devlin: ...

Ed: Well, what do you think?

Master Devlin: Hmph.

Ed: Is that really all you have to say?

Master Devlin: You're going to do what you're going to do anyway, so what difference does it make what I think?

Ed: You know, Stan, you really should take more pride in your position. It's not often characters get consulted by their creators about the future direction of their adventures...

Master Devlin: Great.

Ed walks over to the window and watches Mayuri leading some Council member behind the bins.

Ed: I have to admit... I'm rather distressed about what's happened with Mayuri. It's been weeks and she's still a crack whore... She needs an intervention. Perhaps the Master needs to take her under his wing? You could take her on as your pupil.

Master Devlin becomes infuriated, puts his pen down, and turns to Ed.

Master Devlin: You're... distressed?! You gave her amnesia with your shoddy writing. Now you expect me to clean up your mess?

Ed: Let's dispense with the blame game, shall we? She needs help. She's been on the streets too long. She's talking all ghetto. It's just shameful... Something vile must’ve happened to her in that rape hospital.

Master Devlin: Blame game?? Are you insane, Ed?! You're just now telling me it was a rape hospital!? And now she's a junkie whore. And you're distressed?! It's like a book author being upset about what he's written and done to his own characters.

Ed: The rape hospital was already hinted at. You just ignored the signs and left her there.

Ed pulls out his own 'Ziggy' device and shows the Master an example from the Waldoverse archive logs: Waldoverse Archive Log:

Dr. Crusher: "...Talk to her. I can't say for sure if she can hear you... but it couldn't hurt... Just don't molest her. We’ll be keeping an eye out, just so you know. We've had far too much of that on this ward, unfortunately. In fact, I'm starting to think something is very wrong with this hospital... creeps everywhere. That’s why we have hidden cameras all over the place now."

Ed: This is your problem, Stan. You're too busy complaining to ever pay attention to your surroundings.

Master Devlin: It's the Waldoverse... Trickery everywhere, thanks to you.

Ed: Trickery? I'm not sure how much more obvious I could've been. The second doctor — Dr. Gadd?? Didn't he look familiar? It was Gary Glitter! Even the hospital name — did you never bother to look at the name above the entrance?

Master Devlin: What? The JSM hospital?

Ed: Yes.

Master Devlin: What about it?

Ed: The name, Stan. The James Savile Memorial Hospital.

Master Devlin: Oh... Well, I'm not going to be held responsible for your twisted bullshit. You did this to her. It's all you, Ed!

Ed: That is vicious slander. Ed never molested anyone. You try to pull that crap again and I'll sue you for defamation! Travers will represent me...

Master Devlin: 😂😂 No, no he won't. Travers has gone underground.

Ed: Yes he will. Travers respects and fears his Editor. He knows his place, little dragon. Say, how would you like to become some kind of pig monster? I feel like we need to shake things up more...

Master Devlin: 🤨 Things are happening. Too many things!

Ed: You're all just sitting around eating burgers all the time.

The Master sighs.

Master Devlin: Fine. I'll do as you ask. But I'd just like to remind you that everything is your fault. Mayuri is a mess because you made it happen.

Ed: True. I mean, I could always snap my fingers and bring her back, restore her to an earlier version... but that just feels lazy. And we can't have you lot relying on me to fix things. Besides, it's more fun this way.

Master Devlin: Yes, well, I prefer it when you don't intervene. Anyway, I’ll sort Mayuri out.

Ed: Good. Also, you might also want to prevent Samuel from getting smashed. He seems very friendly with Ermintrude — and a little bird told me her friend, Goblin Slayer, is in town. Just be warned: Goblin Slayer is a cunning warrior. He's bested large beasts. He's no pushover. Don't expect to just "Master" your way out of this one with brute force.

Master Devlin: Fine. Well... shall we continue?

Ed: Yes.

The Master strides to the window and leaps out. His wings unfurl with a crack, catching the air as he swoops low across the courtyard. Midflight, he snatches Mayuri by the waist, hauling her off the ground as she shrieks and flails. He touches down outside the infirmary and carries her inside, still kicking and screaming obscenities.

Inside, he orders a few female Masters to bathe her and find her clean clothes. They administer a heavy course of antibiotics and antiviral drugs to purge whatever filth she's picked up on the streets.

Meanwhile, the Master examines several shallow cuts across his arms and chest. He turns over the small switchblade he confiscated from her — a cheap goblin-brand knife, serrated and stained.

A Master nurse and a spellcaster step into the room, both wearing grim expressions. Nurse: She's carrying super gonorrhoea. Antibiotic-resistant. We'll have to perform a cleansing spell.

Master Devlin: Very well...

****

Many hours later, a female Master mage approaches Master Devlin to report on Mayuri's condition.

Master Mage: The spell succeeded; the girl is cured of the disease. We owe our thanks to the great Ahzidal for such masterful magics.

Master Devlin: Indeed...🤨 How is she feeling?

Master Mage: She's resting in her quarters. I understand you plan to train her? In a My Fair Lady knockoff arc?

Master Devlin: Excuse me?

Master Mage: It says so here in the script. The Editor really seems to be phoning it in lately… The plot’s all over the place. Too many unresolved arcs.

Master Devlin: You know the Editor?

Master Mage: Of course, Master Devlin. I’m a level 7 Paladin Mage. I know a great many things. Anyway, we’ve also cured her crack addiction, but her attitude leaves something to be desired. There's also a note from the Editor about restoring her memory with magic. Apparently, he's distressed about how Miss Shiina has ended up and wants her fixed, posthaste.

Master Devlin: So, the Editor has regrets, huh? He’s such an arse... Let me see if I can address this. Perhaps her memory loss could be a good thing — a fresh start. Free her from Waldo and his wacky personality disorders. Maybe she could go away and become a real lawyer.

Master Mage: The Editor regrets nothing! He's just fickle. Anyway… It doesn’t seem to have started off so well. She hasn’t changed her ways. She was propositioning the Arch Mage and the Master Wizard just half an hour ago.

Master Devlin: You made poor Mayuri sick, Ed.

Master Mage: No, Master Devlin, you are mistaken! It was you who abandoned her at the James Savile Memorial Hospital. She was vulnerable, but you got bored and wanted to go on adventures. This is the consequence of your indifference! Now we all suffer. Don’t you dare try to pin this on me… I mean, the Editor.

Master Devlin: Uh-huh…

The Master calmly grabs the mage's head and casually lifts it off, revealing Ed in disguise.

Master Devlin: Hello, Edward. Now… as we discussed, this is all your doing. You had her marry Travers, a notorious sex pest. You had her beaten into a coma by feminists, then woke up as an amnesiac junkie hooker...

Ed: She was molested by everyone in the hospital because you abandoned her there! No wonder she's messed up...

Master Devlin: Why did you send her there?

Ed: I didn’t. The council is responsible for city issues. God doesn't micromanage!

Master Devlin: That is not the council's responsibility. That is the responsibility of the health board, the government… whatever...

Ed: The council is elected to deal with such things.

Master Devlin: That's not true. The Masters Council deals with folklore creatures integrating into society... We are basically like the MIB.

Ed: Oh yeah? Well... You're also city council now… My universe, my rules...

Master Devlin: Fuck you!

Ed starts to snigger.

Ed: Okay, maybe it was all me. I got a good chuckle out of it. So it’s worth it.

Master Devlin: You are a sick fuck, Ed. So you do admit you are responsible for all this chaos? Just for your own pleasure...

Ed: Sure. If it makes you happy. Anyway… What’s done is done. Provide solutions, little dragon. Not complaints.

Master Devlin: What a prick... Fine then. Let's move on...

Ed: Good. As I said, I don't like Mayuri being a vile whore anymore. I liked it when she was sweet and kindhearted.

Master Devlin: I'm dealing with it.

Ed: Fine, but I can't be bothered writing her dialogue. Just get a move on. There’s a Goblin Slayer out there, and a deranged bird and Lutin alliance...

Master Devlin: What do you mean? You won’t speak for her?

Ed: I mean, I have to type out her dialogue if you're going to train her. It’s going to be a whole drawn-out thing and I just can't be bothered… I have low enthusiasm.

Master Devlin: FINE...Lazy cunt.

Ed: Excuse me?

The Master marches toward the alchemy department and grabs a potion. He then goes to find Mayuri in her room, with Ed curiously following. Mayuri isn’t able to see Ed.

Mayuri: What do you want, punk-ass bitch?

Master Devlin: Drink this. You’ll like it. Make you feel good.

Mayuri: Whatever...

Mayuri drinks the potion.

Ed: What is it?

Master Devlin: It should restore her memory, plus a tiny bit of LSD.

Ed: I thought you were going to train her?

Master Devlin: I thought you wanted me to speed things along??

Ed: I do. I know I said I wasn’t going to be lazy, but who am I kidding? You're right...I’m a lazy, lazy man...

Master Devlin: You're a menace...

Mayuri: Nigga, I don’t feel shit. This some weak-ass potion... Got any crack?

Master Devlin: It should start to work soon.

Ed: C’mon… Get a move on... Oh to hell with this.

Ed snaps his fingers in front of her eyes and suddenly she blinks. She looks to the Master with recognition.

Master Devlin: Mayuri, my dear, can you hear me?

Mayuri: Senpai?? I remember you!

She hugs the Master tight and starts to cry.

Master Devlin: Yes, I thought you might. There, there.

She then violently coughs semen onto the Master’s shirt.

Mayuri: Oh my goodness...

Master Devlin: 🤢 🤮

Mayuri: I’m so sorry... Senpai...

Master Devlin: It’s okay. Here, use this bucket.

She coughs more. Then vomits semen puke.

Ed’s standing in the corner chuckling.

Ed: That’s good, dear. Purge it, and you’ll feel right as rain. Once you expel the corruption...

Master Devlin: Ed, you sick fuck...

Mayuri: What did you say, Senpai?

Master Devlin: Oh, nothing... 😒 I'll be right back, my dear. Just need to step outside.

Ed follows the Master out of the room.

Master Devlin: You really are disgusting.

Ed: You should be happy for her. Of course, she’ll still need counseling, I expect, as her memories are intact... all of them.

Master Devlin: Even up until now?

Ed: Sure, why not.

Master Devlin: You mean she remembers her whoring days?

Ed: Yes!

Master Devlin: 😒

Ed: Unless you want to start dabbling with memory suppression spells, which is risky. Like that episode of Buffy that gave them all amnesia...

Master Devlin: No, no, it’s fine.

The Master heads back in. Mayuri wipes her mouth.

Mayuri: I think that’s all of it. I feel much better now.

Master Devlin: Very good.

Mayuri: I’ll clean this up right away.

Master Devlin: No, no, don’t worry. I’ll send someone. You just try to get some rest. I’ll come back and check on you later.

The Master heads out the door.

Mayuri: Um... Senpai...

Master Devlin: Yes, my dear?

Mayuri: I’m sorry... For how I was before... 😔 I remember, but I don’t... I don’t recognise that person I was...

Master Devlin: No need to explain. It wasn’t your fault... Just try to get some sleep. Okay?

Mayuri: Okay...

The Master steps outside to find a smug Ed.

Master Devlin: You really are a piece of shit, Ed. Torturing the poor girl like that...

Ed: This is a comedy show, Stan...

Master Devlin: It’s a sick, twisted game. You’re like a kid with a magnifying glass, and we’re the ants...

Ed: At least I make your lives interesting... But you know what? If you’re so critical of my plotlines and think you can do better, then go ahead. Tell your friend, cloud boy he’s now lead writer and showrunner. Ed’s taking a backseat to pursue his solo career... For now.

Master Devlin: Whatever.

Season 4 continues in Sleaze, lies & Gold