Walvers

The following takes place following: Waldo Plumbing & The Whale

Master Devlin: Oh dear. Very well. Walvers, come with me.

Walvers gives the Master a confused look, then a smirk, and follows.

Walvers: Where are we going?

Master Devlin: Across the road to introduce you to the Goblin Slayer.

Walvers: Excuse me, Master Devlin... I could've sworn you said we were going to meet the Goblin Slayer. Preposterous! Clearly, we are still rattled from all the carnage and must've heard out of turn... Kindly repeat, please! Explain!

Master Devlin: You heard correctly. I'm taking you to meet the Goblin Slayer. He and his associate are going to lend us a hand in going after Reg and the Lutin. In exchange, we've agreed that you will not be harmed, and he will be provided with upgraded weapons and armour. Do we have a problem?

Walvers: Yes, we do! It's finally happened. You've lost your goddamn mind! TGD... Total Goblin Death. The Master has enlisted help to genocide us!

Master Devlin: Don't be silly. You'll be with me.

Walvers: O rly?

Master Devlin: The closer you are to danger, the further you are away from harm.

Walvers: That makes no sense, Master Devlin... I'm a lawyer. I know all about harm.

Master Devlin: Buffy has teamed up with vampires for mutual gain.

Walvers: That's different.

Master Devlin: Is it?

Walvers: Yes! Besides, we don't have to copy everything Miss Summers does.

Master Devlin: I don’t care. You’re coming with me. Otherwise, I’m not around to protect you from raiders, bandits, cartels, mobsters, etc.

Walvers: Why do you care about lutins all of a sudden? Why, there hasn't been a lutin in these parts in over a thousand years.

Master Devlin: Shut up, Walvers, and get a move on.

Walvers: No way, flatfoot! You're out of turn!

Master Devlin: Fine then. We can just stay here until Reg strikes.

Walvers: Sounds good to us'ses.

Ed: I'm surprised the Master doesn't just force him. Has he lost his nerve?

The Master stops in his tracks, cringing. Slowly, he turns around, eyes blazing with fury.

Master Devlin: Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Of course, I’m going to make him. How dare you tell me how to master??

He glares at Ed for a moment before pivoting back to Walvers.

Master Devlin: This wasn't a request!

With a sharp motion, he grabs Walvers by the scruff and shoves him into his pocket. Walvers squirms, scrambling around inside.

Walvers: This is unacceptable. False imprisonment, Pizza Devlin! Free us this instant. You are transporting out of turn!

The Master lets out a violent fart, and it seeps into the pocket.

The pocket slumps and goes quiet.

****

The Master walks across the road and greets the Goblin Slayer, Priestess, and Ermintrude.

Master Devlin: Hello again.

He pulls Walvers out of his pocket and plops him on the ground.

Priestess: Is it alright? It looks dead!

Goblin Slayer: It's just pretending... Playing dead...

Ermintrude: It's okay, beloved. No one is going to hurt you now. We've sorted this whole thing out...

Walvers opens one eye and scans around.

Walvers: Hello! Yes, it is, me, Travers! Widdle frunkut!

Master Devlin: This is Wid... Um... Walvers...

Ermintrude looks confused.

Priestess: Nice to meet you! 😃 See, Goblin Slayer... I told you one day we'd meet a good goblin...

Goblin Slayer: .....

Walvers kisses Priestess’ hand and gives her a sleazy look.

Ed, who is invisible to everyone else, whispers over the Master's shoulder.

Ed: Careful! I think she's, like, 15 or something. We can't have any shenanigans here. Keep control of Walvers. No perv nonsense.

The Master grabs Walvers by the scruff and pulls him back.

Master Devlin: I am this close to allowing the Goblin Slayer to smash you.

Walvers: What did we do? This is harassment, Master Devlin!

Master Devlin: You know what! The kissing and the look you gave the Priestess. You are disgusting. Do you know how old she is? Do you want another lawsuit?

Walvers: We has no idea how she is. Why would we? Was just being polite.

Goblin Slayer: What's a lawsuit? Some kind of armour?

Ermintrude: They have these people called lawyers in this world. They are for a legal system. They dress like the Master here... with these things, dangly things called ties.

Goblin Slayer stares at the Master's tie.

Goblin Slayer: You are one of these... lawyers? And this is your armour... a lawsuit?

Priestess: Doesn't look like it provides much protection. You must be a powerful sorcerer.

Walvers: Bah... the Master can't even manage the most basic of spells. He just farts a lot. He clears the campus after every meal. No one dares fight him, and he is most definitely NOT a lawyer... not like me, Travers. I'm the best damn lawyer from here to Portland, Maine, or Portland, Oregon, for that matter...

Priestess: But you're not wearing a suit of armour or a... tie. You're not wearing anything at all!

Walvers: Yes, yes, excuse me, my clothes seem to have slipped off in the Master's pocket...

Ermintrude: Oh hi, Mister Travers... I feel so silly, I didn’t notice you were here. I thought you were my fiancé. I see you trimmed your mustache and cut your hair...

Walvers: Good lord, woman, what's wrong with you... I am your fiancé... pay no attention to her... she gets like that sometimes... all tits and no brains...

Goblin Slayer moves forward in a threatening manner as Ermintrude blushes in embarrassment.

Master Devlin: Mr. Goblin Slayer... hit him, please.

Goblin Slayer looks at the Master. He then kicks Walvers in the face with the sole of his metal boot. Walvers flies clear across the street and splats into the railing fence of the council grounds. Ermintrude and Priestess gasp.

Master Devlin: Not bad... Not bad at all... 😏

Ermintrude: Oh No!

Ermintrude runs over and begins scooping the goo back together.

Priestess: I should probably heal him...

Goblin Slayer silently shakes his head.

Priestess: Oh... okay.

The goo bubbles, reassembling itself into goblin form. Ermintrude returns, cradling a sickly-looking Walvers.

Master Devlin: Walvers, are you alright? I think you might've been kicked by a horse.

Walvers: 😵‍💫🤕😠

Master Devlin: Speak to Hoobert. She might know the culprit.

Walvers: Hoobert is a national treasure. She doesn't associate with thugs.

Goblin Slayer eyes the reformed Walvers.

Goblin Slayer: Regenerator, huh? Good to know.

He leans in to whisper to Priestess.

Goblin Slayer: We're going to need an enchanted golden weapon.

Master Devlin, overhearing with his unnaturally sharp hearing, interjects.

Master Devlin: What for?

Goblin Slayer: Just in case.

Master Devlin: Just in case what?

Goblin Slayer: In case our alliance dissolves. Regenerators are rare, but they still die. You just need the right tools.

Master Devlin: Really? How? I've been trying for years.

Goblin Slayer: Enchanted golden blade to the heart usually does it. Once met an adventurer with something called a revolver. Fired golden bullets. Worked just as well.

Master Devlin: Hm. Good to know. Just so we’re clear — when it comes to Waldo and me... I must be the one to kill him.

Goblin Slayer: Why? You protect it.

Master Devlin: Prophecies and so on.

Goblin Slayer: Never cared for prophets.

Master Devlin: Hmm... Anyway. Let’s find Reginald and the Lutin.

Goblin Slayer: Fine. What do we know? Where’s the nest? How many hostiles?

Master Devlin: No solid leads. Reg had an outpost near the outskirts of Barcelona. Back when this was still Birdonia, he lived in the citadel. I suppose we could start there... I know it’s not much.

He turns to Walvers.

Master Devlin: Waldo, where would Reg most likely be? You were his captain — or whatever.

Walvers: Noooooo, Master Devlin. It is you who speaks out of turn... Stupid pizza! He was your secretary on Master Base... You should know his movements better than wiffuhuh! He spent more time in your company than Waldo ever did. The fact is... He's gone troon now. Cut off his manny, so it’s only a matter of time before he offs himself. I say we drop the whole thing and go have a chemical burger. Make creatures! New ones. Ermintrude wants a pet for the dumpster. Besides, even if we do find Reg, you'd just let him go again.

Master Devlin: If we drop it, the deal I struck with Goblin Slayer is off — and then he’s free to smash your skull in at will. Isn't that right, Goblin Slayer?

Goblin Slayer punches his metal gauntlets together — fist into open hand.

Walvers: [Gulps] Hmmm. I see your point...

Master Devlin: Also, I did kill Reg. I poisoned him with bird flu. Then his corpse was beaten to a paste. Then the editor chose to bring him back as a tranny.

Walvers: Well the fact of the matter is we don't know where Reg is. Why don't you ask the editor? He's running this shit show...Though, between you and me, we feel he's really been phoning it in of late. And before that he's been so fickle — introducing new characters and plotlines that go nowhere... Frankly, he should be replaced.

Master Devlin: Yes, well, I killed the editor before. Smashed his teeth in. Then he came back to life. Continued to be a nuisance. The editor, if he wanted to, could just have Reg and the Lutin turn up right now. But why don’t we ask him. Ed? Ed, come and introduce yourself to your subjects...

Nothing happens. Everyone stares at Devlin.

Master Devlin: He probably won’t turn up — he likes to torment people.

Walvers: Oh saso... you and your silly superstitions...

Priestess: Who is the editor?

Man’s Voice: Quite simply, young lady... the devil...

Everyone turns.

It’s the Professor Woolley, from future Waldonia.

Season 4 continues in More Distractions