Gypsy Syphilis

The following takes place following: Guerrillas in the Mist

“TRAVERS RUNS FOR MAYOR”

National Treasure—and alleged pervert—Harris Travers officially announced today that he will be seeking election as the new Mayor of Widdlington. Backed by his champion, Master General Devlin, Travers vows to restore Waldonia to its former green and sunny glory.

The mayoral seat has remained vacant for several months, following the capture and subsequent death-by-labour of former Mayor Shooter McGavin in a Van Der Beak work camp.

In his latest rousing address, candidate Travers promised free weekly oil changes on the WHS, tax breaks for gentleman’s clubs, and a crusade to bring the “evil bird” Van Der Beak to justice.

He concluded with the bold declarations: “This town needs an enema,” and “There ain't no way we can lose...”

Travers is currently running unopposed.

—Zombie Tobi Hunter

Wallywood Times

****

Travers: Hello, Master Devlin... How did you like my speech?

Master Devlin: Hmm... All about the oil changes, huh?

Travers: Naturally. You have to know what the voters want to hear... I assume I can count on your vote? I have the male vote pretty much locked down already, but it would mean the world to me to get your official endorsement.

Master Devlin: I don’t suppose you’re going to actually do anything? Major policy changes? You just want girls and oil changes?

Travers: Precisely, my dear Devlin. I'm running for public office... Not becoming a doctor or something.

Master Devlin: Normally I wouldn’t condone this from an upcoming politician, but we are in extraordinary times. But I’m pleased we now see eye to eye on the Van Der Beak front. As long as you allow me to continue with the work on the military operation.

Travers: Of course. You'll have my full backing...

Master Devlin: Very well then.

Travers: Now, if you'll excuse me... I must do some publicity appearances. Go win this war....

Master Devlin: … What? Where? Here on the estate? 🤨

Travers: I don't know. I guess... I must find something to do... It's an election campaign, Master Devlin... Perhaps I'll see if I can't sniff out any potential challengers. And crush them... Or better yet... Conscription! I trust I can rely on you to draft them into your army? Send 'em off to the front lines... Naturally, my charm should win alone, but I don't plan on taking any chances. A lot of busybody women out there... Always criticising Mr. Travers. Trying to ruin my good name with baseless accusations...

Master Devlin: Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here...

Travers: Sorry. It's just... I'm a little agitated. Haven't had an oil change in a couple of days... Bit of a drought, you know what I mean? Ever since the war restarted, it's hard to find any decent ladies available... I don't suppose... What about that gun-toting chick? She's still alive, right?

Master Devlin: Yes. But she's busy training recruits... Although, there were a couple of gypsy women from the camp I’m sure that might help you.

Travers: Hmm... Tangling with gypsies? I dunno...

Master Devlin: Well, I don't think you have many other options.

Travers stares at Devlin with a weird look on his face.

Travers: I uh... I don't suppose you could just...

Master Devlin: Could what??

Travers: You know...Help me out...

The Master shudders and has a mini sick. He shakes his head, violently.

Master Devlin: Have you lost your goddamn mind, Travers?

Travers: Uh... Nothing. Nothing. Never mind. I'll take the gypsies. Just hope I don't catch a curse or something...

Master Devlin: Um... Fine. I’ll go fetch them for you...

Travers: Hope they brought welding goggles...

Master Devlin: 🤨

****

Two forty-something women enter the room with curly black hair, colourful scarfs, head cloths, rings on every finger, big earrings, all kinds of beads up and down their necks and dresses.

Master Devlin: Travers, these two women are happy to entertain you, for a price of course.

Travers: My god they're ugly, aren't they...

Master Devlin: Oh yes they are, but I don't think you can be fussy in the current climate.

The women say nothing. They just play with their hair and beads.

Travers: Very well. Well, thank you Master Devlin, now if you don't mind...

Master Devlin: Yes, of course.

The Master steps out the office. He hears the door lock behind him, followed shortly by strange noises. Sounds like a cross between a construction site and a mechanic workshop. The Master cringes. If he didn't know better, he would have sworn a racecar was being tuned.

The Master proceeds downstairs to the basement only to hear similar sounds. Otacon is still working on the battle tank.

Otacon: Ah, Master Devlin! You're right on time... I give you… ‘Battle Gear’.

Kaz: It’s how we'll storm the walls of Van Der Beak’s palace.

Master Devlin: I see. Who will control it?

Kaz: I will.

Otacon starts up Battle Gear. It rises above the ground, on its legs. Both Kaz and the Master look impressed. Suddenly a hydraulic hose bursts and sprays oil everywhere and Battle Gear drops to the ground with a bang.

Master Devlin: 😒

Otacon: Ohh… Well. Umm… it’s just a prototype.

The Master gives Otacon a look of absolute contempt and walks up the stairs.

Otacon (shouting after): Don't worry! I’ll have this fixed in no time...

Master Devlin (as he walks away): I’m more curious about how you plan to get it out of the basement...

Otacon looks around and looks at Battle Gear, realising his significant oversight. Kaz shakes his head and hobbles away.

****

The Master walks up to see Travers. The two gypsies are just leaving his office.

Master Devlin: Soo umm… Travers... do you feel satisfied?

Travers: Oh yes... I mean it was quite unpleasant to look at. Not to mention the smell... Those women were filthy, but hey... what can you do? Got the job done...

Master Devlin: Yes, I agree they did look rather less to be desired, but here we are. You needed a service done which is in rather short supply at the moment. Would you call upon them again? Do you feel cursed?

Travers: Now that you mention it... Yes, I think I might be going bald!

Travers brushes his toupee back exposing his bald green scalp and three hairs.

Travers: How bad is it...? Is it bad?? I feel like my hairline has receded drastically in the last few minutes...

The Master glances at Travers' hairline and winces.

Master Devlin: Ohh… umm… Well I don’t think you can really notice it. But umm...Don’t you think you might like being bald? Could look quite distinguished.

Travers: What?? I can't go bald! I'm running for mayor for crying out loud! Waldonians won't have it.

Master Devlin: Well then keep the toupee on. I’m sure they won’t notice.

Travers: Toupee?? What toupee? What are you talking about??

Master Devlin: Nevermind. Apart from that, do you feel okay?

Travers: Well... It's a little embarrassing, but uh... I think I might have a bit of a rash... down there... It sort of just appeared...

Master Devlin: Ohhh... Um. Do you want me to call Larry? I'm sure he'll be able to fix the rash.

Travers: Larry is a busy mask! No need to bother him at this time.

Master Devlin: Very well.

Travers: Master Devlin... Could you... take a look yourself? I'd like your opinion.

Master Devlin: I'd rather not. If you want someone to look at it, then we should call Larry. He's the doctor, not me.

Travers, ignoring the Master, pulls down his trousers and love heart boxers to reveal the rash.

Master Devlin: GOOD LORD MAN! That's... Oh dear...

Travers: I don't feel so good, Master Devlin. Must be the curse. I feel all... out of turn. Does my head look smaller? It feels small. Also the rash seems to be spreading... And I seem to be breaking out in warts...

Master Devlin: You do look very disgusting... Even your moustache... um... hairs are starting to... flake— I mean, fall... off... I'm calling Larry right away. Oh, do you have extra funds? He is quite expensive for house calls...

Travers: Not really. To be honest, I haven't practiced law or had any clients for some time. And I spent my savings on the election campaign... Maybe I should just go to the rape hospital on the WHS.

Master Devlin: I wouldn't advise it. They ruined your wife.

Travers: She got over it...

Master Devlin: Yes, well I still think Larry is the better choice. Don’t worry, I'll cover you this time... Just take a seat, I’ll summon him.

The Master calls Larry Fraser, witch doctor extraordinaire. Seven minutes later, Larry teleports into the mansion courtyard, looking a little irate. The Master greets him and they head up to Travers' office. They enter the room and are both horrified at the sight of Travers. Travers looks like he’s undergone chemotherapy and is covered in a hideous rash and warts. He's completely hairless and looks the spitting image of Widdle Frunkut, sans the three hairs which have now fallen out. Remnants of his corroded fake moustache and toupee sit on his clothes and chair.

Larry: Good Lord. How did this happen?

Travers: Just a touch of the flu, doc. Need a little pick-me-up...

Larry: Mr. Travers, I can’t help you if you aren’t honest.

Travers: Bad oil change...

Master Devlin: Travers had a threesome with two gypsies.

Larry recoils.

Larry: I see. That explains it.

Master Devlin: Do you know what he has?

Larry: Indeed. Gypsy syphilis… the worst kind.

Travers: 😓 Oh dear...

Master Devlin: Would that explain the hair loss?

Larry: Yes.

Travers: Can it be treated, doc? Some kind of counter-curse we can do?

Larry: I can try...

The Master leaves to wait outside while Larry goes to work on Travers. Two hours later the office door opens. Travers struts out a new bright and shiny goblin with a giant cigar in his mouth, complete with new "hair". His vigour is at full strength.

Master Devlin: Travers, how do you feel?

Travers: Tip-top, Master Devlin! Tip-top. Larry here is a miracle worker... You know, I feel like celebrating. Perhaps a celebratory oil change is in order...

Master Devlin: Larry, is there anything you can do about… that?

Larry: What? His sex drive? No… he’s a pervert. Unless we castrate him, but that’s a whole other procedure.

Travers: I'm a machine, Master Devlin! I must have my oil changed regularly. It's for the good of the nation...

Master Devlin: Sounds like you’re a badly constructed machine.

Travers: I am only the way the Editor made me...

Larry: I thought you were happily married?

Travers: I am... Or was... Mayuri has been neglecting her wifely duties of late. Forcing me to go elsewhere. Frankly, I should sue her for damages.

Master Devlin: You are too much, Travers. She likely can’t keep up with you. Continuously needing oil changes.

Travers: Well, the important thing is I'm now presentable enough to be mayor again.

Larry: Of course...

Larry turns to the Master.

Larry: Have Travers take these viral blockers. Will help the syphilis from resurfacing.

Master Devlin: Thank you, Doctor...

The Master pays Larry and he goes on his way.

Season 5 continues in Waverly Hills Witch Trial