The Church of Sasoism

The following takes place following: Sanctuary of Sleaze

A gathering of approximately 100 people wearing purple robes, pointy hats, and carrying tiki torches arrive and stand outside the mansion's front entrance. The leader steps forth, turns to his followers, and raises his staff.

Cult Leader:"The day is finally upon us, my friends... Many of you started to doubt, I know—but that matters not now. All that matters is that the Master has finally returned to us, to vanquish the corruption that has taken these lands and save our souls..."

He raises a book.

Cult Leader:"So it hath been written in the holy scripture. So shall it be. Hung kung!"

Cultists: "Hung kung!"

The leader turns back to the house.

Cult Leader:"Now, where is our messiah? Will he not grant us the privilege of looking upon his triangular perfection? Please accept this offering of butter!"

Four men carry a large stick of butter—about the size of a coffin—and place it on the ground.

Cult Leader:"If this is insufficient, give us a sign. Perhaps a sacrifice need be in order?"

Wesley: I'd hoped it would take longer for them to get wind.

Master Devlin:Who are they?

Wesley: A cult called the Church of Sasoism. Started by our wise warlord here as something of a joke… They believe you are their saviour.

The Master stares at Waldo.

wF: 😁

Wesley: They are quite mad… zealots.

Master Devlin:Waldo, why must you insist on making bad things worse?

wF: You weren’t here. You left us! It was just a little fan fiction about our favourite pointy pal. We missed you… Not our fault these weirdos took it literally.

The Master buries his head in his hands.

Master Devlin:Fine… I will go address the freaks.

The Master walks out in front of the house. The crowd gasps and drops to their knees, bowing their heads.

Cultist: It’s really him!

Master Devlin:My dear followers, I am grateful you have come to witness my return. We are in dark times… dark times indeed...

Cultists: "Dark times. Dark times indeed!"

Master Devlin:We must stand up to these evil forces who threaten our way of life… My friends, I present to you… the devil!

The Master produces illustrations from his pocket of Reg Van Der Beak and Mr Vincent and holds them up to the crowd.

Master Devlin:These are the evil ones. I will lead you to defeat them—but for now, I need you to return to your homes. Until I call upon you. Dismissed!

The Master steps back into the house. The cult looks around at each other, confused.

Cult Leader:Well, you’ve heard our saviour speak. Let us vacate for now. Come along...

The cult heads back down the hill.

Wesley: They’re leaving. Nicely done, messiah...

Master Devlin:Shut up, Wesley. Where has Waldo gone?? Go fetch him. He needs to be dealt with.

Wesley: I'm afraid I can't simply do that. As I explained, he is our ruler—and you must be granted an audience. But I will ask for you...

Wesley leaves. The Master notices individual Sasoists reappearing outside. They begin setting up a shrine and leaving offerings: butter, pizza, exotic fish, a homosexual magazine with nude beefcakes. One man even brings a pig and slaughters it on the patio floor. Waldo’s harem of concubines run inside in disgust as the blood spills into the pool.

Wesley returns.

Wesley: His lordship will see you now. This way, please...

Waldo is in the home theatre watching cartoons.

wF: Ah… Danny. I understand you requested an audience. Always happy to see the pasta… now what do you want!?

Master Devlin:What exactly are you doing? It looks like, as usual, you're taking advantage of a crisis for your fun and games. All those people—you led them to believe I am some sort of messiah. They're likely going to die a pointless death.

wF: Come now, Stanley. It’s not our fault that people naturally follow Waldo. Once again, leadership has been thrust upon us. Might as well enjoy it, eh what. Here, have some chicken.

Master Devlin:Waldo, you are as crooked as a barrel of snakes. People don’t naturally follow you. It’s only through your trickery, racketeering, and extortion. Then in a time of crisis, that base grows because they’ve nowhere else to go. Look at Mr Konrad, for example—he’s only following because he’s being extorted. I see people risking their lives scavenging fuel to power a generator that only powers this room and the hot tub outside. Whose house is this anyway?

wF: This is Wiffuhuh’s house! We claimed it—it was empty. And Mr Konrad is Travers’ man, actually, but has been useful to Wiffuhuh also.

Master Devlin:Your house? Oh really? Well then you might want to tidy that up.

The Master points to a withered arm hanging out of a cupboard door—presumably the former owners.

wF: Pfft. We has people to take care of messes. There’s a Mexican lady around here somewhere... Anyway, point is—the people need a leader, and they accept that a leader has greater needs. If they don’t like it, they can leave Waldo’s property. There is great evil in these lands—we must fight. So we accepted leadership thrust upon us as warlord… Don’t you want to fight evil?

Master Devlin:Unfortunately, I have no choice. So yes—I need to return to the council grounds to collect some items. I’ll be taking Goblin Slayer and Revy with me.

wF: Yes, very well. You may go. But do be careful. It’s Revy’s turn tonight to read WF a bedtime story. Also, Goblin Slayer is our greatest warrior, so don’t get him trapped in butter or something…

Mr Konrad enters.

Konrad: Miss Revy and Sir Goblin Slayer are waiting at the main gate, Master Devlin. Ms Revy is quite impatient and passed on an expletive-filled message—essentially telling you to hurry up and meet them.

The Master rises and walks toward the door.

Master Devlin:Mr Konrad, how are you?

Konrad: Um, fine thank you… As well as can be expected in these dark times, I suppose.

wF: GAAAAAYYY!!

The Master turns, walks back, and smacks Waldo. Then returns to Konrad.

Master Devlin:Apologies. Yes, it is very weird times.

Konrad: Not especially unusual, however. Such things seem to happen a lot in this town...

Master Devlin:Yes, quite.

Konrad: One upside is that the awful secret court that plagued me for years seems to have disappeared—for now.

Master Devlin:Well, that’s something I suppose... Hopefully you’ll finally get paid for your work. Oh, and Waldo—I want an office upon my return.

Waldo hisses.

Konrad leads the Master to the front gate.

Season 5 continues in Weapons quest