Weapons Quest

The following takes place following: The Church of Sasoism

Mr. Konrad and Master Devlin arrive at the front gate to find Revy and Goblin Slayer.

Revy: Well it's about time... Goblin Slayer here was about to start talking any minute... So I hear you want to go on a dangerous quest to the council grounds...

Master Devlin: Surely you don't mind a bit of danger. Goblin Slayer also lives to kill.

Revy: He's not the only one. I'm just eager to get going is all.

Master Devlin: I see. Well, yes—I need to get my monster slayer weapons, potions, and some old literature from the library. Goblin Slayer, how are you?

Goblin Slayer: Fine. (He grunts and starts walking out the gate.)

They start walking southeast.

Master Devlin: No hard feelings from our last encounter then?

Goblin Slayer: No.

Master Devlin: So, how come you're not trying to kill Waldo?

Goblin Slayer: .....

Master Devlin: Well?

Revy: Way I heard it, he married the redhead girl with the big tits. But she used to be engaged to my Waldo. And she made him promise not to harm him. They had a truce. Now she's been kidnapped and held as a slave and they've teamed up to get her back. Or some shit, I dunno...

Goblin Slayer: That's right... we're... allies now. Against a greater evil.

Master Devlin: The Goblin Slayer allied with a goblin, eh?

Goblin Slayer: The goblin has the resources I need.

Revy: One big, happy, fucked-up family... So where the hell were you when it all went to shit?

Master Devlin: Eastern Europe. On Council business. Where did you come from? You don't look like you're from this realm.

Revy: Long story... I used to run with this crew in the Pacific. Mercenary work. Things got complicated and I had to get away. Then some weird dude approached me and offered to take me to something called the Waldoverse.

Master Devlin: Ed. I might have known he had a hand in this.

Revy: Next thing I know, I'm here in this city... Then I meet this little green dude... Waldo. Tries to steal my guns and grab my ass at the same time. I guess we fell in love... He's so cute and squishy.

Master Devlin: Did the weird dude say anything else?

Revy: Nah man. Just gave me this perv look, then bam! I'm in a completely different place.

Master Devlin: He does that. He is called the Editor.

Revy: Huh... An Editor of what? Like books?

Master Devlin: Sort of... He is basically Simon Blueberry.

Revy: Who the fuck is that?

Master Devlin: ...umm. Nevermind.

Revy: I did see this comic book with my face on it at one point. Tales of the Waldoverse it was called. It was a few weeks ago. Fucking weird...

Master Devlin: He is the administrator of the realms. He is also the illustrator.

Goblin Slayer: He brought me here too.

Master Devlin: He usually remains passive, but then he gets bored and decides to alter the Waldoverse. In this case he has decided an apocalyptic world is best.

Revy: But I thought it was the bird woman? And that French goblin thing. The curly dude... That's what I heard. You saying this Editor is the big bad behind it all?

Master Devlin: The bird woman... man... whatever... formerly went by the name Reginald Van Der Beak. He was a dictabird... Waldo's stationery.

Goblin Slayer: What's a dictabird?

Master Devlin: Office equipment... The curly-haired French goblin is a lutin by the name of Delacroix Vincent. A long time ago, he carried out an attack on the Master's Council. Many were killed. Friends of mine. Unbeknownst to me, Waldo was manipulated and controlled by Vincent to carry out the attack. I swore revenge on Waldo.

Revy: Shiiiit.

Master Devlin: I badly beat Waldo and a group of us destroyed Waldo's businesses. I later learned that Waldo was bewitched. I had previously taken Van Der Beak in, as Waldo was mistreating him. Despite the attack, Reg didn't like how I handled the situation with Waldo. Accused me of being an evil brute. Eventually Reg became greedy. Hell-bent on power. He didn't like that he was just simple office equipment.

Goblin Slayer: I see...

Master Devlin: Reg and I never saw eye to eye again. Until one day I did some time in the clink. During my time locked up, the Editor chose to punish me and reward Reg. Apologies—I forgot to mention that my robot protégé punched his fist through the lutin's head and killed him. His corpse was locked away in the Council catacombs. Anyway, Reg was made the leader of a dystopian Waldonia and called it Birdonia.

Revy: ...huh... Ever try shooting him? I find that usually works well.

Master Devlin: Um... no, actually. Anyway, Reg was removed from power during a revolution. He has gone through many transformations. He was eventually killed by Goblin Brand bird flu and beaten into paste. A few months ago, a woman approached me—called Dr. Drabak. She was interested in lutin magic or some shit. During our search of the catacombs, she betrayed me and reanimated the lutin. And then they escaped. I later found out that the Editor ordered the revival of Reginald Van Der Beak... as a woman... I think you know the rest.

Revy: That's quite a story. We're in Waldobury now. Almost there.

Goblin Slayer comes upon a mutilated corpse. The Master quickly recognizes it as the remains of Cynthia Jones. She was naked, her head shaved and ripped in half. A torn hospital gown lay nearby. But it was her, alright.

Goblin Slayer: Demons... Be on the lookout.

Revy: Too bad we couldn't bring your little priestess along for backup.

Goblin Slayer: She needs to stay near the compound to maintain the protective magic shield. It's already more than she should have to handle. She's just a novice mage.

Revy: Alright, alright. Just saying...

Revy eyes the Master with a smirk.

Revy: Metalhead here hooked me up with gold and silver bullets. But I'm starting to run low. Especially with the gold ones. Van Der Beak’s armies have been grabbing as much gold and silver as they can. Guess they learned quick. So whatever you're expecting to find... we could definitely use it.

Goblin Slayer: Don’t have to reload a silver sword... You should learn to use one.

They stumble through the various corpses. They see the gates to the council grounds. The council looks like it has been abandoned for a hundred years, even though this event has only been going on for three weeks. The gates are heavily rusted, and the roof and walls of the council buildings have collapsed in places. Kaz’s burger van is a smoldering heap on the ground. Cetacean skeletons litter the courtyard following Waldo’s plumbing antics.

They go into the Master’s office. It is seriously dilapidated. The Master cautiously but abruptly punches a hole through the floorboards and pulls out a chest below. He opens it to reveal his old monster hunter armor and silver swords. The Master reluctantly puts on his armor and straps the swords to his back. He collects a bundle of books. Like a video game, the Master somehow stores all this on his person.

Master Devlin: Right, let’s go to the armoury.

They descend into the basement and break through an old door that hasn’t been opened in a long time.

Master Devlin: We’ve not been here since the Great Goblin War.

There are lots of weapons on the walls, including an old Gatling gun in the center of the room and a collection of wooden boxes.

Master Devlin: Revy, you might find this useful.

The Master opens the wooden boxes, revealing a large cache of silver bullets. Revy's face lights up as she grabs two handfuls with excitement.

Revy: Now we're talking... Hey, GS, get a load of this motherfucking motherload.

Goblin Slayer doesn’t respond. They turn to find him quietly staring at a row of silver swords and axes.

Revy: What do you think, GS? Worth the trip?

Goblin Slayer: ...Outstanding.

He picks up a very old silver greatsword and gets a feel for it. He turns to the Master.

Master Devlin: Help yourself. I never thought we’d have to go back in here again. I'm glad it's going to some use. We've modernized our weaponry since, but I insisted this be kept—you never know when we might need it. Take what you want. In fact, we should transport the rest back to base. Might come a time we need to arm the civilians.

Goblin Slayer pulls out a potion of strength and knocks it back, temporarily increasing his inventory capacity. He starts loading weaponry onto his person.

Revy: I think I saw a wheelbarrow on the lawn outside. I'm on it...

Goblin Slayer: Weapons are good, but what we really need are soldiers to wield them.

Revy returns with the wheelbarrow and they begin loading the ammo and Gatling gun onto it.

Master Devlin: If you know where to find these soldiers, then please inform me. Otherwise, we need to train the people we have.

Goblin Slayer isn’t paying attention. Even with the potion, he becomes quickly over-encumbered. He starts to walk slowly toward the door, trying to calculate if he can carry it all back to Waverly Hills.

Revy: There’s the labor camp in West Widdlington. Place is full of human slave workers. We’re running out of people to train back at the mansion. Only problem is... it’s deep inside Von Hildendorf territory. With an army of demons, skunkbreed, and other creeps between us and the prisoners. I hear there's a lot though. Humans, that is. Thousands maybe—lot of potential recruits.

Goblin Slayer stops at the door to catch his breath.

Goblin Slayer: Without some kind of a plan... pant we're just going to lose more soldiers trying to take it.

He props himself against the door frame.

Goblin Slayer: You should go on ahead. I’ll be right behind you.

Master Devlin: Don’t be silly. You’re not going to carry all that back home.

Goblin Slayer: I’ll be fine...

The Master shakes his head as they begin walking.

Master Devlin: How on earth did Tess become a person of power anyway?

Revy: Dunno. Not sure anyone does. I've only heard of her anyway.

Master Devlin: She is a slag and hellbent on riches. You can guess who she was married to... Though technically their marriage isn’t legitimate. Goblin Slayer, how are you doing back there?

Goblin Slayer: I’m fine...

Goblin Slayer collapses. His armor and weapons clatter loudly to the floor.

Master Devlin: Oh for fuck’s sake. We’ve not even left the council grounds yet...

Goblin Slayer starts slowly clutching the weapons, unwilling to part with them.

Revy: C’mon man, at least put some in the wheelbarrow.

She whispers to the Master.

Revy: Maybe he needs to go in the wheelbarrow too? Can you push it?

Master Devlin: Hold on... Waldo kept a ‘motorcar’ here somewhere nearby...

Revy: Oh?

Master Devlin: An old piece of junk, but if we can get it running... I’m sure Waldo would appreciate it returned to him. Although I don’t think it actually belonged to him.

Revy: Yeah. He is a bit of a scamp. Always stealing shit.

Master Devlin: Wait here. I’ll be back.

The Master takes flight and disappears behind the buildings across the council campus. About 14 minutes later, an old antique automobile—something like Mr. Toad’s motorcar—rumbles up to them and stops. The Master hops out, engine still running.

Master Devlin: Right, let’s offload the weapons from Goblin Slayer and put them in the car... Actually. Just a second.

The Master walks over to Waldo’s dumpster and drags it to the car. He tips out all the detritus and junk, then heads to Kaz’s van and rips off the mostly undamaged wheels. He fits them to the dumpster and wraps a chain around it, attaching it to the car.

Master Devlin: Right, let’s throw the weapons in the dumpster.

Revy helps the Master empty the wheelbarrow into the dumpster.

Master Devlin: How’s Goblin Slayer doing?

Revy: He’s barely conscious, yet the dumbass won’t drop any of his new swords.

Master Devlin: Fine. Let’s toss him in the skip. Best we can do for now.

The Master and Revy struggle to hoist his body, but they just about manage to tip him into the skip. He crashes onto the bottom with a metallic clatter. They get the motorcar started and begin driving back to base. The vehicle really struggles and only manages to go about 15 mph.

Master Devlin: So what makes you want to marry Waldo? He’s rather disgusting.

Revy: I dunno. He's not really my type. But it just hit me as soon as I met him. He's so cute and squishy... And normally, I wouldn't have him seeing other women. Let alone being engaged... But I dunno. This is a weird fucking place. Guess it's had some effect on me...

The Editor appears behind her, gives the Master a sleazy wave, and gestures to him like he’s the one responsible. He then disappears. The Master gets a chill down his back.

Revy: What?

Master Devlin: Nothing. Forgive me, but you struck me as the sort who might have enjoyed the comfort of other women.

Revy: Not really...

Master Devlin: My mistake.

Revy: I mean, sure. A few times... But not as a rule...

Master Devlin: Right. No one serious?

Revy: Hrmm... There was this one guy... where I come from. I kind of started to have feelings for him. But he slowly started to change. He was like this office dork. But he started running with us pirates and I guess the life awoke something in him. He became ruthless. Too much, even for me. So I bailed. Then I met the weird editor dude and ended up here.

She lights up a cigarette and goes quiet.

Editor reappears behind her and starts making sleazy, suggestive, and predatory gestures without her knowledge.

Ed: Rebecca here is a damaged sort. She doesn't usually enjoy the comfort of anyone. But we changed all that. This is the Waldoverse, after all.

Revy can't hear him. The Master chooses to ignore him.

Ed: Of course she had to go through the normal cleansing procedures before entering the realm... not that she remembers. 😈

Ed makes a honk-honk gesture with his hands.

The Master slams the brakes. Ed goes flying over the windshield, landing on the road. The Master then drives over Ed with a bump. Revy looks bewildered.

Revy: What the hell was that?

Master Devlin: Nothing. I thought I saw a kitten. I was mistaken.

Revy: Felt like we ran over something. Something a hell of a lot bigger than a kitten...

Master Devlin: Probably some rubble.

Revy looks behind them but isn’t able to see anything.

Revy: Hmm... I guess.

Master Devlin: Anyway, I feel I must warn you. You should be careful with Waldo. He can be somewhat untrustworthy. And by somewhat, I mean entirely.

Revy: Not a problem. I don’t trust anyone. Not fully...

Master Devlin: Rightly so. Best way to survive. Be forever on your guard. Especially in the Waldoverse. It is indeed a weird place.

Revy: You're telling me. Everyone has these weird phones. They're like computers. In their hands. They walk around staring at them.

Master Devlin: Hmm...

Revy: Never saw phones like that until I came here. The cell phones where I come from were like bricks with big antennas... But that was in Southeast Asia...

Master Devlin: Yes. It went through phases—making phones as big as possible, then as small as possible. Then back to these obscene units... So, um, what year do you think—

The Master hits the brakes suddenly. He sees a roadblock up ahead. A squad of skunkbreeds has assembled along the road.

Master Devlin: Skunkbreeds. I thought I had dealt with that filth. Revy, do you have any suggestions? They shoot like shit and are generally blissfully unaware, which may work to our advantage.

Revy: Why don't we just shoot the fuckers?

Revy pulls out her dual Berettas.

Revy: I could distract them while you load the Gatling gun... unless you want to try and trick them?

Revy uses her anime girl abilities to morph her face into a cartoonish grimace that vaguely resembles skunkbreed features.

Revy: Maybe I could pretend to be one to get past them. But personally, I prefer a straight fight to sneaking around.

Master Devlin: Fuck it. Fine. Have it your way. May as well use the regular rounds and save the silver bullets. If you wander up—regardless of how you look—you’ll hear a “Freeze” immediately followed by a gunshot. Skunkbreeds are not graceful and have no sense when it comes to using their weapons.

Suddenly, they hear a gunshot. One of the skunkbreeds has just shot himself in the face. He was picking his nose with the nozzle.

Master Devlin: Well, at least that’s one down. I think it’s best we go with your first suggestion, and you lay down some covering fire while I set this thing up.

Revy jumps out of the car and casually walks toward the checkpoint.

Revy: Hey, fuckfaces... you’re in my way...

The skunkbreeds, startled, look at each other and make some sort of fluttering sound with their jagged mouths. They draw their rifles. One of them shouts “Freeze!” and they immediately open fire. Revy runs diagonally across the road, sweeping the skunks with a barrage of bullets. Many skunks are taken out immediately.

The Master jumps out to set up the Gatling gun, but Revy doesn’t wait. She flips out from behind cover and gets up close, darting around, making short work of the skunks with her gun-fu.

The Master stops loading when he realizes they’re basically all dead already. The Gatling gun will have to wait.

Suddenly, a final skunk runs out from a nearby building, holding some sort of device. It can be heard shouting something like “controlled detonation.” Then it goes to throw the device at Revy—but it immediately explodes in its hand. The blast sends Revy flying backward quite a distance.

The Master runs over to help her. She’s not terribly hurt—only her pride. Revy goes off on an expletive-filled tantrum.

The Master eventually gets her into the car. There’s a rustling sound in the distance.

Master Devlin: The noise probably alerted more foul creatures. It's probably not wise to stick around.

The Master clears away the roadblock debris and rushes back to the car. He starts driving away.

Master Devlin: Revy, how you doing back there?

Revy: Fan-fucking-tastic.

Master Devlin: That was impressive, but we’ll need to get you seen to when we get back. You probably have a concussion.

Season 5 continues in Betty, Dumpy & Missy