A Taste for Diplomacy

The following takes place following: Side Effects May Include...Murder

The Master is feeling hungry and goes to find Kaz in the mansion's large kitchen.

Master Devlin: Hey, Kaz. How about a chemical burger?

Kaz: Sure thing, boss. Coming right up.

A few minutes later, Kaz tosses a burger in front of the Master. He bites into it, pauses for a moment before violently spitting it out and starts to choke.

Master Devlin: Good Lord, Kaz. What’s in this??

Kaz: Drywall and sawdust... A little cheese.

The Master picks bits out of his gums and spits.

Master Devlin: I think there was some asbestos in there as well... What has happened? Can you no longer get your ingredients anymore? Or has Frakes consumed your entire stash?

Kaz: Affirmative. Mr. Frakes hasn’t noticed yet. I started padding his with sawdust—eventually adding more and more. Now I’m out of ingredients altogether, so I work with what I have. Want another? You’ll get used to it. Probably. Actually, we’re running out of cheese too. We’ll need a substitute.

Master Devlin: No, I don’t want another. Don’t you think you want to return to using quality ingredients? This is terrible. Your chemical burgers before were addictive. Frankly, Kaz, I think you need to return to what you were good at—R&D and guerrilla warfare. We were good at this back in the day, together. If you help me, you can get your good ingredients and have pride in your craft again.

Kaz: I’m retired from that life. It cost me an arm and a leg. Literally.

Travers walks in, chuckling to himself as he climbs up onto the stool at the kitchen counter next to Master Devlin.

Travers: Burger please, Kaz. Hold the cheese...

He turns to Master Devlin.

Travers: Our glorious leader, Warldo, has granted us permission to open diplomatic channels with our enemies. Many now believe the fighting has gone on long enough—and that it’s time we pursue peace. Naturally, as someone well-versed in dealing with crooks and criminals, I’ve been appointed head diplomat to begin negotiations.

Master Devlin: Pfft. Good luck...

Travers: I’m also pleased to say I’ve been granted permission to recruit you as my assistant and co-counsel. We have negotiated a sit-down—a meeting of warlords, of sorts—with von Hildendorf and van der Beak present, among others.

Master Devlin: Hrrmm...

Travers: What? Don’t you want peace? Master Devlin, why are you addicted to conflict?

Master Devlin: I do want peace. Kaz said he’s retired from that life. I was also retired from that life. Yet every time I try to get out, it pulls me back in... Plus, you have Tess who is a greedy witch, and Reg who has teamed up with a malevolent lutin.

Travers: Then drop this gorilla-monkey-business talk and let’s try some diplomacy.

Kaz: Sounds good to me. Give peace a chance, I say... My name means peace, you know.

Travers: ...uh... great! Glad to hear it.

Master Devlin: Do you really think this is going to go smoothly? Are you that naive? We have a maniac as a “warlord.” Even if we achieve peace somehow, he’ll probably start the war again just for fun. He’s a parasite, yet apparently we can’t get rid of him.

Travers: Noooo, Master Devlin. You are speaking out of turn. Warldo is a fine, upstanding huhwite goblin of good character. We are very lucky to have him as warlord. May Ed have mercy on your soul...

Master Devlin: Whatever. Fine, Travers, when is the meet?

Travers: Tomorrow at noon. At Town Square! You and I are to speak for our district of Waverly Hills, as our warlord is apparently too busy investigating the murder of some broad that no one seems to have heard of.

Kaz slides a burger across the counter.

Travers picks it up, takes a massive bite, and chews with noisy enthusiasm.

Travers: Mmm... crunchy.

Master Devlin: Very well. Fine. Kaz, if this meet does go smoothly tomorrow, then I agree to leave you alone. However, if it turns sour, then you will return to what you’re good at—R&D and guerrilla warfare. Deal?

Kaz: Hrmph. Fine... Just don’t sabotage it. Do your best to get a good deal.

Travers: Excellent! However, Master Devlin, I must insist you bring no weapons. We are there for peace. And you need to put your personal feelings aside. Don’t let pride or your hatred get in the way.

Kaz: Do you think you can negotiate to get new ingredients brought in?

Travers: Absolutely...

Master Devlin: Fine. But we need some sniper cover in case things go bad. Have Revy with a rifle in a bird nest.

Travers: There’s to be one guard per warlord. Out in the open. If they see her, it could blow the whole thing...

Master Devlin: Then we need to make sure they don’t see her. This is war, Travers.

Travers: We are never going to achieve peace with this attitude.

Master Devlin: We will lose with your attitude. When did your balls drop off, Travers? What makes you think Tess isn’t bringing an army of manic Skunkbreeds? Or Van Der Beak ambushes us with an army of dead? These are not honourable people you are dealing with. If you are not clever, you are going to get bit.

Travers: I will not be shamed by some bloodthirsty warhawk. Go take your Dratonin, dragon... You’re not thinking straight. They want peace too, I’m sure. This is your lust for revenge and avianism talking.

Master Devlin: Oh really? Let us not forget you represented Reg in court... But that is not the issue here. All I am saying is that we bring Goblin Slayer as the official guard and have Revy watch from the distance and provide cover if necessary. If nothing happens, then no harm.

Travers: Fine. But remember, you are going as a diplomat.

Master Devlin: Understood.

Season 5 continues in The Warlord Peace Summit