Side Effects May Include… Murder
The following takes place following: Damage Control
Master Devlin, Wesley, and Mr Konrad follow the officer around the back of the mansion to the site of the shallow grave. The body has already been exhumed and lies in two pieces on plastic sheeting.
Master Devlin does his best shocked face.
Mr Konrad: Good lord...
Officer: She appears to have been violently torn in two, sir.
Wesley: I can see that, thank you...
Mr Konrad: This is... horrific.
Master Devlin: It’s happened again...
Wesley: You’ve seen this before?
Master Devlin: Very similar to a case I worked here in Wallywood... back in 1947. Same kind of presentation.
Wesley: Ah yes. I see what you mean...
Mr Konrad: Care to share with the rest of the class?
Wesley: Elizabeth Shart. Young aspiring actress. Found murdered in Weimar Park, not far from here. As Master Devlin said—her body was discovered in a similarly gruesome state.
Master Devlin: To be honest, I always suspected Waldo had something to do with it. He was going through a bizarre “surgeon” phase at the time. I could never prove it, though.
Wesley: Are you suggesting he’s responsible for this too? I suppose, as the husband-to-be, he is a likely suspect...
Master Devlin: I’m not suggesting anything. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Waldo killed her. He’s a very jealous goblin.
Wesley: Hmmm… Possible. But jealous of whom? The Captain wasn’t exactly social lately. Always working, always planning. And everyone knew she belonged to the Warlord. Most wouldn’t dare try anything with one of his “wives.”
Master Devlin: He stabbed Revy for speaking out of turn not ten minutes ago. He’s extremely volatile. There may be no logic to this... Then again, it could be a copycat. Who knows? Unfortunately, given the circumstances, we might need to park this one for now.
Wesley: I suppose... Have her sent to the infirmary for a post-mortem.
****
Hours later... In the infirmary. Another meeting is held.
Dr Crusher: I’ve completed the autopsy... Cause of death was massive trauma. There are several bite and claw marks as well, but none would have been fatal on their own. There was also evidence of violent intercourse—likely rape—occurring around the time of death.
Wesley: Semen?
Dr Crusher: Yes...
The Master clenches his buttocks in quiet panic.
Dr Crusher: ...unfortunately, it can’t tell us much, given our current situation and resources. We have no real way of doing DNA testing here.
Wesley: ...of course. So, any idea who or what we’re looking for?
Dr Crusher: Well, one thing I can say is the bite and claw marks are inconsistent with the size of the Warlord... This was no goblin attack. My guess? A large, savage beast of some kind.
Wesley: I see... So it seems our Warlord is off the hook for this one. Perhaps one of the demon spawn breached the perimeter somehow. Mr Konrad, have it checked for weak points. We can’t afford to have it happen again.
Mr Konrad: Of course. Also, you may be interested to know that the Warlord has taken a keen interest in this case... He’s been walking around the grounds in a dirty raincoat, holding a cigar, asking everyone about the Captain. He seems quite determined to get to the bottom of it. Also, he’s claiming now to be a lieutenant with the Wallywood Homicide Division. He even got a badge from somewhere.
Master Devlin: I’m still not sure we can rule him out. He has his ways... ways that defy logic.
Mr Konrad: Well, whether we like it or not, he’s still our leader. So we’d best cooperate with his enquiries—especially now that he has a badge...
The Master shakes his head but bites his tongue.
Dr Crusher: Mr Konrad is right. I’m stretched thin with supplies here as it is. The last thing I need is people being injured at home base by police brutality from an unstable cop. Let’s just keep our heads down, be polite and respectful. Answer all his questions truthfully.
Frakes: Shut up, Beverly.
Dr Crusher: I beg your pardon?
Frakes: I said shut up. As in, close your mouth and stop talking. No one cares what you have to say. Now unclog my arteries already. But I agree—we should do what the lieutenant says.
Wesley: I suppose it would be wise, for now. Anything else, Doctor?
Dr Crusher: Actually, yes. There was something else... something quite curious.
Wesley: Yes?
Dr Crusher: Butter. I found traces of butter in her vagina and rectum.
The Master starts to sweat profusely.
Wesley: Hmm. Very... curious.
Anthony DiNozzo: Sounds like Last Tango in Paris...
Everyone stares at him.
DiNozzo: Well, it does...
Master Devlin: What are you doing here?
DiNozzo: I live here now...
Wesley: Anyway... Speaking of savage beasts...
He turns to the Master.
Wesley: I’ve been meaning to ask—how’s your Dratonin supply? I assume you picked some up on your trip to the council?
Revy: Dratonin? What the hell is that?
Wesley: It’s a mystical potion, used by Master Dragons for over a millennia. It’s used to suppress their base instincts—calming their more beastly urges, which allows them to function in civilised society. They have to take two drops a day.
Frakes: Side effects include severe gas, heartburn, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure, and chronic snarling...
Wesley: Yes, quite. But without it, they’d be a danger to everyone around them. They’d suffer spontaneous bursts of savage rage and violence—lose all control—and the beast within takes over for a short time. It’s quite fascinating to watch, actually... in a controlled environment, of course.
He turns back to the Master.
Wesley: Obviously, supplies are a concern long-term, but we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it... I just wanted to check you’re all good for now?
The Master’s beady eyes dart around nervously.
Master Devlin: Uh... Yes. Fine... All good.
The Master starts to sweat again. Had he taken it? He couldn’t remember... Maybe it wasn’t working... Something about this Nilbogverse was messing with his head...
Ed, invisible to all but the Master, smugly walks into the centre of the room, eyes locked on him as he gleefully continues to narrate the Master’s “thoughts.”
Ed: It started to dawn on him that, for the first time since he started taking Dratonin at age sixteen, he’d likely fallen off the wagon... and was flying uninhibited...
The Master scowls at Ed. Furious. Somehow he was aware of what Ed was doing—possibly thanks to the Co-Editor. He’d never heard of Dratonin until just now. Ed just made it up. Now it was canon. Just like the murder. Just like the implication that Devlin was the killer.
Ed: Maybe he should come clean? Admit to being the killer? After all, like Wesley said—it’s not his fault, right? It’s the beast...
The Master reels. Ed wasn’t just in his head. He was rewriting it in front of him.
Ed: NO!... No, they’d fear me... lock me up... or worse... I need to deal with this myself...
Wesley: Are you alright, Master Devlin? You look uncomfortable...
The Master lets out a violent fart. Everyone recoils in disgust, holding their noses.
Revy: What the fuck, man?
Wesley’s eyes start to water. He cleans his glasses.
Crusher vomits.
Revy: Well I guess that answers that question...
Wesley: Indeed. The side effects are quite potent...
Season 5 continues in A Taste for Diplomacy