THE MILF vs THE MAYOR

The following takes place following: Back To Work

TRAVERSCAST: ...As so with that, I say goodnight, my fellow Waldonians and Ed bless this great city...

After giving a speech full of self assured optimism and self congratulation, Travers retreats from the Traverscast transmitter and sits at his desk.

Travers: Well, that should keep them happy for a while. I think it's time for a celebratory oil change...

Master Devlin: Travers, what the hell was that??

Travers: What do you mean. It was the speech you wrote...

Master Devlin: No it wasn't! My speech was barely in there! You went completely off script! Where was the part about you taking responsibility or the part where you assure the public we're going to deal with this menace?? It was all just a bunch of horse shit, talking about how great this town is thanks to you being mayor...

Travers: The people need a confident leader, Master Devlin... Ooh, look. It's Ms Summers! I like her...

Travers gestures to the live news on TV. Single mother, local activist and the head of WAAH (Waldonians Against Alien Hostiles), Joyce Summers, is about to give a speech at a vigil for the Kelman boy in Walver Lake...

Travers: Quite the MILF, huh?

The Master rolls his eyes.

Joyce Summers (on the tv): We just heard Mayor Travers says this the greatest town in the world. Well, Mr Mayor, I'm here to tell you...You're dead wrong...

Travers grin drops

Joyce Summers: ...This is not the greatest town... Its not even a good town. how many of us have lost someone who just exploded? Or got skinned, eviscerated or eaten by a monster? And how many of us have been too afraid to speak out? I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence, but silence is this town's disease. For too long we've been plagued by unnatural evils... Did you know that this town has an annual death rate of 72 per 1,000 people—seven times higher than the national average of the United Kingdom... This isn't our town anymore...It belongs to the monsters... To the goblins, the dragons and now the aliens... Well I say enough is enough. It's time for the people of Waldonia to stand up and take back our town. No more hostile aliens in our backyard. And if the mayor wont do anything about it, then i guess its up to us...

Master Devlin: Still like her, Travers? She just humiliated you...

Travers: Well she's got it where it counts at least... That's the important thing. Personality and taste, we can work on...

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Master Devlin: You better do something, Travers. Summers is making you look bad. It sounds like she might even run for mayor if youre not careful. There could be a vote of no confidence in you, and they might have a by-election that could result in Joyce being duly elected.

Travers: Poppycock! No confidence in Harris Travers? That could never happen. But we may have to deal with her too...

Master Devlin: It absolutely can happen and the thing you should be focused on is making sure it doesnt happen. And, No Travers, we are not ‘dealing with her’ so you can forget about that... You just need to put up with a bit of political rivalry...

Travers: Master Devlin, you are jumping to conclusions. That's not what I meant... I had a much better idea...Mr Konrad! Extend an invitation to Mrs Summers to...uh... discuss the barnacle problem - Over dinner....

Konrad doesn't respond. He just sits there staring into space.

Travers: Now Master Devlin. What are we to do about the barnacles then?

Master Devlin: Shouldn't be too difficult. Any able bodied people with shotguns would be able to deal with the infestation. You’re American. I’m sure you can round up a crowd of NRA wackos.

Travers: What, you want to send a militia of gun toting vigilante nuts all over town? I dont think so... We're not in America, Master Devlin...

Master Devlin: Well you could use explosives, but that would cause significant structural damage, despite what a popular video game shows you...

Travers: Explosives??

Master Devlin: I’m joking, of course. This’ll need to be handled properly—through a formal culling programme. I can arrange it, if you like.

Travers: Good. You do that...

Master Devlin: Very well. But you need to understand something: you're deeply unpopular as mayor. This inflated notion that everyone adores you is—frankly—delusional. You’ve done nothing to earn the public’s trust. Quite the opposite—and the polling numbers reflect it.

Travers: Nonsense, Master Devlin. I told you, I don't accept these poll numbers... Fake news...

Master Devlin: Why did you even become mayor?

Travers: Well... I was tired of dealing with criminals and the legal system. I just wanted a quiet job to boost my popularity before I retire. None of this crazy stuff was supposed to happen. Mayor McGavin barely did anything, yet no one gave him a hard time. He had it easy. Under my term we get Super Flu, barnacles, people turning inside out—it’s just been rotten luck. It’s not fair.

Master Devlin: Except McGavin is dead—killed during the Nilbog crisis. I’d hardly call that easy. From the Masters Council’s perspective, he was lightweight—too unimportant for us to bother with. But yes, unfortunately, the “rotten luck” you describe is the work of the Editor. He does seem to take a particular interest in you. Still, it could be worse... Look at the Witherfield lot. I know most of them are awful, but the sheer volume of drama, trauma, and hospitalisation your average resident goes through is frankly unbelievable.

Travers: Well there you go. So it's not my fault... An act of Ed!

Master Devlin: Good luck trying to use that as an excuse with the public. And let’s cut the shit, Travers. Most of this is your fault. You swing between doing nothing and launching into deranged theatrics. That’s not leadership—it’s damage control after your own catastrophes. Fair or not, this is reality. So... what are you going to do to be a better mayor?

Travers: Dunno...Make more speeches? Cut some ribbons maybe? Dinner with Ms Summers for sure...

Master Devlin: No...First off you will go pay a visit to the families of those victims of the barnacles. I know you don’t care, but at least try and pretend you do.

Travers: Fine. Then I get to have dinner with Ms Summers... Master Devlin, draw up a plan of action to deal with the critters that I can present to her over dinner... That ought to satisfy her...Maybe even enough for an oil change...😏

Travers notices Mr Konrad still sitting in the corner, zoned out.

Travers: Mr Konrad, why are you still here? I told you to go see Ms Summers...

Mr Konrad: .....

Travers: MR KONRAD!!? You see what i have to work with?...Hopeless...Hit him, Master Devlin... Perhaps it's time he receives another beating...

Master Devlin: That won’t be necessary.

The Master walks over to Mr Konrad and gives him a shake.

Mr Konrad: Huh? What??

Master Devlin: Mr Konrad, what's the matter with you??

Mr Konrad: I'm sorry. I'm on a lot of painkillers. My jaw still gives me considerable pain.

Master Devlin: Oh, I see... Um sorry to hear that. Anyway, time is of the essence. The Mayor would like you to go and arrange a dinner meeting with Joyce Summers.

Mr Konrad: I see. I'll go right away.

Mr Konrad leaves.

Master Devlin: Perhaps get Mr Konrad seen by a doctor.... Though I would also suggest that you stop making him witness your sex acts when you have your whores over. It’s frankly disgusting.

Travers: Noooo, Master Devlin. Your bigotry is disgusting... Anyway, back to the matter of hand. Seducing Ms Summers...After that, we're back on easy street... One endorsement from her and I'll have the entire soccer mom vote in my back pocket...

Master Devlin: You can try, but I doubt she’ll be so susceptible to your sleaziness. Widdle Frunkut claims he once bathed her back when we were running that hotel—said it was "hotel policy." Then there was that time she unknowingly dated a murderous robot named Ted. She may not be so easy these days.

Travers: You doubt Travers out of turn. I am not Widdle Frunkut...and quite frankly , you underestimate my powers of persuasion. I will have dinner with her. And she will be changing the Travers oil! Mark my words...Hell, we might even get her daughter in on the action too. The good one, not that other trash. That will be a challenge worthy of Travers!

Season 7 continues in The Sickening