Mrs Travers Gone Wild

The following takes place following: House Call

Travers: Now that the women are away, we can finally get some work done! I feel like a new goblin! So, Master Devlin… suggestions! And I'd like new ideas, please. We're not going back and overturning previous policies. I will not have this administration get a reputation for flip-flopping...

Goblin Slayer kicks the door open and storms in, caked in dirt and orange goo. He reaches into a sack, pulls out a clump of severed skunk tails, and dumps them onto Travers' desk.

Master Devlin: I see you’ve been busy...

Travers: It’s done? You got them all?

Goblin Slayer: It’s done. All of them.

Travers: Excellent! Yes, Master Devlin, I sent our friend here on a special ops mission to clear those Alt Front skunk nationalists from Warwyck Forest. Prepare a statement. Under the executive command of Mayor Harris Travers... the radical separatist movement known as the Alt Front has been eradicated from the border of Widdlington.

The smell in the office becomes unbearable. Mr Boothe doubles over and vomits into a wastepaper basket.

Travers: Mr Boothe... really? Control yourself, man. You’re going to need a stronger stomach to work in this business. Oh—Mr Goblin Slayer, your wife Ermintrude is on paid leave. Why don’t you join her? You’ve earned it.

Goblin Slayer grunts and exits.

Travers: Mr Konrad, please dispose of these... So, Master Devlin. Ideas!

Master Devlin: Well for starters, I think you should have Ermintrude start wearing a top again when she returns.

Travers: No way. Forget it!

Master Devlin: Why not?

Travers: One does not simply cover up tits like those. They are stupendous. They’re too good. To cover them is a crime!

Master Devlin: There is no imagination, then.

Travers: This is not open for debate, Master Devlin. This administration celebrates beautiful women’s bodies. I will hear no more of your liberal, feminist nonsense...

Master Devlin: It is nothing to do with that... it is to do with you being a sick pervert. You need rehabilitation.

Travers: Nonsense! And we're not covering them up. That’s my final word on that. Now, next idea?

Master Devlin: Well, speaking of sick perverts... I’ve been telling you for ages that we need to sort out the hospitals, dentists and veterinary clinics. They are all run by sickos and rapists. We should start with renaming them... The Rolf Harris Animal Hospital, the J. Savile Memorial Hospital... Dr Christian Szell Dental Hospital...

Travers: Yes. We’ve had that one in the pipeline for a while. Good idea. Let’s get on it. It’s time this town got the enema I promised.

Master Devlin: Right. Well, we need to sort these hospitals then... Mr Konrad, how do you feel since you were molested at the hospital?

Mr Konrad: Angry. Perturbed. Traumatised... Of course it was worse for Mrs Travers... She became a hooker as a result.

Mr Konrad pulls a photograph of "Maisonette" from his coat pocket.

Travers: Why do you have that, Mr Konrad?

Mr Konrad: Oh... um... just for public record...

Travers: 🤨

Master Devlin: I think it’s fair to say Mrs Travers was dishing it out all over town before she was rehabilitated.

Travers: You are speaking out of turn, Master Devlin. 😡

Master Devlin: No, Mr Mayor. I am speaking in turn. I’m merely pointing out that Mrs Travers, during some dark times, was being stuffed everywhere, in every way, by everyone. Sort of sounds like you, Mr Mayor. But she was rehabilitated and sorted her shit out. You, Mr Mayor, refuse to do that.

Travers: How dare you??

Mr Konrad: If I may, Mr Mayor... you seem unusually defensive about your wife, considering the fact that just the other day, you instructed Mr Boothe to drive her out to city limits and set her free into the wild... If I may be so bold, sir...

Master Devlin: Wait, what?

Travers: That is too bold, Mr Konrad... That will be enough out of you. Go clean up the bathroom. Mrs Summers made a horrible mess in there.

Mr Konrad: Yes, sir. 😔

Master Devlin: HOLD IT! Mr Konrad, don’t you go anywhere. I would like to know more. The Mayor told you to do what? Release Mrs Travers into the wild?

Mr Konrad: Yes, sir...

The Master turns to Travers, stunned.

Master Devlin: Why on earth would he ask you to do that?

Mr Konrad: Well, um, the Mayor thought she wouldn’t approve of the new policies being brought in, but he didn’t want to publicly divorce her either, so he decided to... “set her free” without explanation...

Travers tilts his head and shrugs slightly and nods.

Mr Konrad: Mr Boothe took her out to a field north of Widdlington. We’re told he had to chase her away with a stick, as she was confused and didn’t understand. Mr Boothe was quite upset when he returned.

Travers: As was I! The fool handled it with the delicacy of a sledgehammer... Still. It’s for the best. She’s back out in nature where she belongs. It just wasn’t working out.

Mr Konrad: I... disagree. I think it was a terrible idea. The poor girl is lost in the wild.

He turns to the Master.

Mr Konrad: She was last seen running north towards the mountains. I wanted to go look for her, but the Mayor wouldn’t let me. I had to stay and record his oil changes for public record...

Travers: Mr Konrad! You are speaking out of turn! You forget your station, young man... That will be quite enough out of you. Now clean the damn toilet!

The Master is frozen in silent fury. After a long pause, he speaks.

Master Devlin: You evil son of a bitch, Travers... Have you gone completely mad?

Travers: Well I—

Master Devlin: Mr Konrad, I need you to go find Mrs Travers right away! Take Mr Raymond. For obvious reasons, Mr Boothe shouldn’t go. He might scare her off again. I need Mrs Travers found.

Mr Konrad nods and hurries out.

Master Devlin: Travers, you are a fucking piece of work. Do you honestly think that was better than divorce? Mayuri is a simpleton. She doesn’t belong in nature. You’ve condemned the girl to death. And if she survives and the press find out, it’ll be seen as attempted murder. You should’ve just divorced her, you evil son of a bitch...

Travers: I take no pleasure in it! But it was for the good of the nation. And she’ll be fine. You’re overreacting... And I take exception to you calling me evil. I mean... technically I’m a goblin, so I am “evil,” but I’m not, y’know... EVIL, evil... I try to be good! Honest! I just have certain... disadvantages.

Master Devlin: I’m overreacting? Mr Boothe, get the bathroom door.

Mr Boothe opens the bathroom door.

The Master grabs Travers by the tie, punches him hard, and drags him across the floor toward the bathroom.

Master Devlin: You said the toilet needs cleaning. Do it yourself!

He forces Travers’ face into the toilet bowl and starts scrubbing, using Travers’ moustache like a brush. After a few seconds, he dunks his head fully into the water and continues cleaning the sides. Then he tosses Travers aside onto the floor.

Travers lashes out, pulling a GB switchblade and plunging it into the Master’s foot.

Master Devlin: Ouch! You little shit...

Travers freezes.

Travers: I’m sorry, Master Devlin. I uh... I don’t know what came—

The Master kicks him square in the face. Travers smacks against the wall and crumples.

Master Devlin: Now you listen here. You better pray Mayuri is still alive. And if she is, you will divorce her. She’s a sweet girl and doesn’t need a disgraceful shit like you as a husband.

Travers: But I don’t want to.

Master Devlin: Why not?

Travers: It will be devastating to my public image. The people love her!

Master Devlin: And how do you think they’ll feel when they find out you abandoned her in the wild?

Travers: Well I... WAIT! Mr Boothe, did you tell Mrs Travers I was sending her away??

Mr Boothe: No sir. As instructed, I simply told her to go without explanation. It was horrible... The look in her eyes haunts me...

Travers: Excellent! See, Master Devlin. No problem! If she’s still alive, we blame it on Boothe. Sorry, Mr Boothe, but you’re gonna have to take one for the team. We’ll say it was a misunderstanding.

Master Devlin: No, Travers. I’m not allowing Mr Boothe to take the fall for this.

Travers: He acted out of turn...

Master Devlin: I will tell her it was you, Travers. You won’t sleaze your way out of this...

Travers: But why? What good can come of it?

Master Devlin: To protect the girl. This won’t be the last time something like this happens to her if she stays with you.

Travers: Master Devlin, I am disappointed... I thought you were smarter than this. Particularly as a political strategist... And of course, yes it is the last time—provided you stick around and don’t go off into dreamland again. Really when you think about it, this whole mess was your fault for leaving us alone...

The Master raises a fist. Travers flinches and smirks like Waldo.

Travers: C’mon man, it’s true. With you not around to challenge what—in hindsight—was a bad call, it’s no wonder stuff like this happens... Frankly, I think we got off lightly.

Master Devlin: The problem is even your aides tell you these are bad ideas. Yet you ignore them and tell them they’re speaking out of turn. Then everyone scrambles to clean up your mess. You are a walking clusterfuck of a mayor.

Travers: They are lackeys, not advisors. You are my political strategist.

Master Devlin: I don’t care. Everyone around you tells you not to do these things.

Travers: Yes, well, you are the only one I will listen to. Ever since our best friendship was forged in our mutual adventures. They made a movie about us, you know...

Master Devlin: Fine. Here’s an idea. You do nothing without me telling you first. I don’t care if I’m away. You will do nothing. You cannot be trusted to make sensible decisions. And we need to start undoing the damage already done.

Travers: But Master Devlin, things don’t stand still while you’re away. We had more XEN creatures show up! It was a full-on invasion! I was forced to react. Hence the intimidating soldier policemen... It all just snowballed from there. But what’s done is done. Can’t go back now.

Master Devlin: Why not?

Travers: The press will have a field day. Call me Flip-Flop Travers. Changes his mind more than he changes his underwear!

Master Devlin: They call you worse already.

Travers: Master Devlin, you are speaking out of turn... Anyway. A leader must project strength and decisiveness. No walk-backs. I suppose in a few months we can quietly ease off some of the more extreme stuff... As long as the audition photoshoots and mandatory oil changes continue. That’s all I care about!

Master Devlin: Enough. I don’t want to hear it. Now you will sit here and do absolutely nothing while I go find your wife, who you abandoned and left for dead...

Travers: Good idea! Ed speed, Master Devlin!

Travers resumes inspecting a stack of glossy photoshoot submissions.

Master Devlin: Remember, not one fucking thing, Travers...

The Master launches himself through Travers’ office window and disappears into the sky.

Season 7 continues in A Wild Mayuri Appears