Tentacles of Melancholia

The following takes place following: Freaky Frunkut

Some time later, Mr. Konrad and Mr. Boothe enter Dr. Larry Frasier's practice.

Mr. Konrad: Hello?

Larry floats in.

Larry: Ah, good evening, gentlemen.

Mr. Konrad: Good evening, Doctor. We’re looking for the Mayor...

Master Devlin: He’s not here...

Mr. Konrad and Mr. Boothe look around, confused.

Mr. Konrad: Who said that?

Larry: Master Devlin.

Mr. Konrad: Um... where is he?

With a tilt of... himself, Larry gestures to the small green octopus sitting on a corner shelf among some exotic inventory. They turn and are visibly shocked.

Mr. Konrad: Master Devlin??

The Master extends a tentacle.

Master Devlin: Good evening, Kyle...

Konrad hesitantly shakes the tentacle and winces at the wriggling.

Mr. Konrad: Um. Hello, Master Devlin...

Master Devlin: As you can see, I’m not well.

Mr. Konrad: Yes, I heard. At the Mayor's request, we spoke to Mr. Van Der Beak. He takes responsibility for your condition... and promises a cure.

Master Devlin: Of course he does.

Mr. Konrad: On the condition that he is pardoned and granted full immunity. Unsurprisingly.

Master Devlin: Not going to happen.

Mr. Konrad: Curious. From the way he spoke, I was expecting you to look like some kind of bird.

Master Devlin: Yes, it seems Reg infected me with some kind of prehistoric bird plague, but as you can see, things have developed from there... somewhat.

Mr. Konrad: Developed how?

Larry: Yes, uh... slight mishap with the transference spell. I’m working on it.

Master Devlin: Myself and Widdle Frunkut have found ourselves in a Freaky Friday kind of situation. Waldo is now out there in my body, which has recently transformed into some kind of giant bird-dragon hybrid beast.

Mr. Konrad: Oh dear...

Master Devlin: Well, I suppose in the meantime, I will be an octopus, then...

The Master suddenly loses stability and melts again.

Master Devlin: Oh dear...

Mr. Boothe: Are you alright, sir??

Master Devlin: I’m feeling a little fatigued, Mr. Boothe. This has been a trying day...

Mr. Konrad: Is there anything we can do?

Master Devlin: Send Mr. Raymond to go rough up Reg.

Mr. Boothe: I doubt the prison would allow that, sir. Anything else we can do?

Master Devlin: I don’t know... ask Larry.

Mr. Konrad: Dr. Frasier? Anything we can do to assist?

Larry: Not unless you can read Kalderash.

Mr. Konrad and Mr. Boothe glance at each other and shake their heads.

Larry: Then no, thank you, gentlemen. I just need some peace and quiet to study these tomes...

Mr. Konrad: Right... well, we shall take our leave, then. I wish you a speedy recovery, Master Devlin.

Mr. Boothe: Yes, sir. Me too.

Master Devlin: Thank you...

Konrad and Boothe exit.

****

A few hours later...

Master Devlin: Have you got a solution yet, Larry?

Larry: I'm afraid not. Would you like me to have a fish tank installed?

Master Devlin: Please.

Larry: Emergency Medical Hologram!

The EMH appears.

EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Larry: I need you to have the replicator generate a fish tank for Master Devlin.

Master Devlin: With a rock for me to hide under!

EMH: This is hardly a valuable use of my time. I'm a doctor, not an interior designer.

Master Devlin: You're not busy.

The EMH sighs.

EMH: Very well... One fish tank and ornamental rock, as requested... Computer: Construct a saltwater enclosure. Dimensions: 91 by 46 by 48 centimeters. Volume: fifty gallons. Temperature: 24 degrees Celsius. Include one smooth volcanic rock. And add... decor appropriate for deep existential reflection.

Suddenly, a fish tank materialises by the wall of the shop section of the practice — a clear glass enclosure with a sandy bottom, a few drifting aquatic plants, a large smooth rock, and a somewhat ominous human skull ornament nestled near the corner.

EMH: There. Your melancholy lair awaits. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be recalibrating dermal regenerators — which actually save lives.

The Master crawls into the fish tank.

Larry: Better?

Master Devlin: A little. Thank you...

Larry: Great! So, um... how would you feel about being a full-time gobtopus?

Master Devlin: …No, Larry. You will unfuck this problem.

Larry: Of course, of course... I was just curious.

****

The next day, the Master awakes to find a new face staring at him under his fish tank rock. Another floating wooden mask, albeit much more severe and intimidating-looking than Larry. It doesn’t look impressed.

Mask: You summoned me here for this... cephalopod?

Larry: He’s a goblin, actually... but as I explained on the phone, he’s supposed to be a dragon. I will explain further in time... Master Devlin, this is Dr. Jeremy Reddington. Jerry was a colleague at witch doctor medical school before he became a scholar in obscure and forgotten texts and lore. He’s here to assist us in correcting your... condition.

Master Devlin: Oh...

Frakes enters the surgery, carrying this morning’s Waldopolis Chronicle. The Master notes that he is a healthy weight and is dressed in his Beyond Belief black suit again.

Frakes: Good morning, Doctor. I’m here for my weight loss ritual.

Larry: Oh, is it that time of the month already? I’m sorry, I completely forgot. We’ve had some medical emergencies to deal with.

Frakes: Yes, I know.

He shows them the newspaper headline:

"WINGED FREAK TERRORISES WIDDLINGTON"

Frakes turns to the octopus.

Frakes: Hello, Master Devlin... You look like you’ve had better days.

The Master farts, and it ripples the fish tank water. Jeremy scoffs at the casual conversation and retreats into the study.

Frakes notices Wesley struggling at the front door and goes over to assist him in lifting Mayuri and her wheelchair up the steps and into the shop.

Larry: Master Wyndam-Pryce, Mrs. Walvers, what an unexpected surprise! Oh, I’m sorry, I should really get a ramp installed. It’s easy to forget about such things when one floats. How are you, Mrs. Walvers? You look well...

Mayuri: Much better, thank you. Doctor!

Wesley: She’s in remarkably good spirits, all things considered...

Larry: Yes, I can see that. Well, what can we do for you?

Wesley: I’m here for a list of items I’m hoping you can help me with, but Mrs. Walvers wanted to come and visit Master Devlin. His condition is the talk of the town, I’m afraid. As is the Council’s attempt to catch Widdle Frunkut in his new form.

Larry: Yes, well, we’re doing our best to rectify the situation. It’s quite complex magic. Now, let’s see this list... Hmm... Arklay Mountain herbs – red and green. Amaraan healing stones... Yes, we can help you with this. EMH, please go retrieve these items and deal with the transaction, if you please.

Wesley: Thank you, Doctor. As you’ve probably guessed, we’re planning to try a spot of healing magic ourselves. However, if I can be of any assistance to you with Master Devlin, just let me know... The full resources of the Council will be at your disposal.

Mayuri wheels herself over to the fish tank and gently taps the glass.

Mayuri: Hi, Senpai... I’m sorry to hear you’ve been poorly... Would you like some mollusks? I brought you a bag...

Frakes: Good idea. It’s lunchtime. It’s fact! You should eat something, Devlin...

Frakes pulls a chemical burger out of his pocket, unwraps it, and starts eating.

Master Devlin: Thank you, Mayuri.

The Master reaches out a tentacle to take the bag.

Master Devlin: Frakes, are you limiting your portion sizes now? From 160 burgers a day down to one?

Frakes: No way. Only halfed. 80 a day, give or take.

Master Devlin: Hrmm. Well, there are a couple of issues we need to deal with. One is the body-switching, but also the strange avian form I’ve been polluted with. I will not have this as a way for Van Der Beak to sleaze his way out of prison.

Larry: Yes, Master Devlin, we’re doing all that we can.

Frakes: I can confirm. It’s fact.

Frakes starts his second burger.

Wesley walks over with a bag of shopping items and peers at the master.

Wesley: Chin up, old sport. I will also consult my own library and see if there’s anything that can help.

Master Devlin: Thank you...

Wesley: Come, Mrs. Walvers. Let us get you home...

Mayuri: Bye, Senpai... 🥹🤚🏻

The depressed octopus raises a tentacle as they leave. He returns to sulking under his rock.

A few minutes later, Travers stumbles in looking very scruffy, wearing sunglasses, followed by Mr. Boothe.

Travers: Hello, constituents! It is me, Mayor Travers... national treasure.

Travers vomits on the floor of the doctor’s office.

Master Devlin: Good lord.

Travers: Excuse me... Well, how are we all this... very bright day?

Master Devlin: Spiffing...

Travers: Oh, Master Devlin! Still an octopus, huh? That’s swell.

Master Devlin: Apparently.

Travers: You know, this doesn’t justify you not working... In fact, now that you’ve got all these extra arms, you could get much more paperwork done. There are press releases sitting on your desk, apparently.

Master Devlin: I’ll do the same amount of work I always do because you don’t pay me enough… or at all, for that matter.

Travers: The city pays you, silly! Now stop sulking and pull yourself together, man.

Master Devlin: I’ve never seen a paycheck from the city council.

Travers: Well, you better go speak to Mrs. Cumberdale at Finance... the MILF with the big tits!

Master Devlin: Perhaps later. I can’t get around far.

Travers: Noooo, Master Devlin... We both know that’s not true.

Master Devlin: What exactly is it you think you know, Travers?

Travers: Look, I understand... One time I was depressed and spent a month living as a catfish at the bottom of a swamp... But as your friend, I’m telling you it’s best to keep busy. And you can take another form if you want to. Hell, you can even morph into a little dragon. With some practice.

The Master gets out of the tank and morphs into a clone of Travers.

Master Devlin: How about this?

Travers: Identity theft is not a joke, Stan. Millions of Waldonians suffer every year... 😠 Well... hundreds... Dozens, probably. How many Waldonians are there anyway, Mr. Boothe?

Mr. Boothe: Approximately 50,000 in the county of Waldoshire, Mr. Mayor.

Travers: Huh... well what do you know... more than I thought. Anyway... please cease and desist this unauthorised impersonation, Master Devlin. It is most definitely out of turn and very, very disrespectful...

The Master turns into a pretty woman with large breasts. Travers’ gaze, in his uncontrollable state, cannot look away. His eyes open wide and bulge out, and his head takes the form of a wolf. After a few seconds, Travers shakes his head violently.

Travers: Stop that, Master Devlin. It’s messing with my head! I’m trying to help you, motherfucker...

Master Devlin: Good, I got a little worried there. I almost thought you had no limits to your weirdness.

Travers: Well, fortunately for both of us, the oil was changed many times in the last 24 hours. I think clearer. Anyway... just be something inoffensive—a lobster or a snake or something. Something simple. Simple Snake Stan...

Master Devlin: I prefer octopus, personally. So I’ll stick with that.

Travers: Did you hear... Our associate, Widdle Frunkut, burned down the Widdlington courthouse this morning! That asshole activist Judge Stevens is in critical condition with 7th-degree burns! The paramedics had to sweep him up with a brush and shovel, ha ha ha. You know, I think I misjudged Widdle Frunkut. I see his value now.

Master Devlin: Remember, as mayor, you cannot begin taking sides or supporting Widdle Frunkut. He needs to be stopped.

Travers: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Publicly! But who says I can’t cheer him on in private!

Master Devlin: Right, fine. Take me to the Mayor’s office then.

The Master hops on Travers’ shoulders.

Master Devlin: Let’s go.

Season 7 continues in Strong Leadership and the Cleansing Holy Fire