Nu(de) Direction

The following takes place following: The Interview

The next morning, in the Chronicle briefing room…

The Master and Travers are standing before a long table of distraught journalists and one very pleased little goblin at the back, wearing a straw trilby hat and a cheap light blue suit. Travers addresses them in an uncharacteristically restrained and serious tone.

Travers: "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here so early. To start, we'll have some brief introductions... My name is Harris Travers and, as most of you now know, I have taken over from Perry White as the new Editor-in-Chief. This is Master Devlin, who is not only my spiritual counsel and sponsor, but also, in essence, the new Deputy Editor — regardless of what he may say to the contrary. He's just too damn humble for his own good...

And lastly, I want you to give a warm welcome to our newest lead investigative reporter, Mr. Wally Walchak. Wally is an old friend of ours and, if I do say so, the best damn muckraker from here to Portland, Maine... or Portland, Oregon, for that matter. I'm looking forward to some of those hot scoops, Wally..."

One of the reporters raises his hand.

Travers: "Yes, Kyle?"

Reporter: "Uh... Brian, sir. Brian Cavendish."

Travers: "What is it?"

Brian: "Sorry, sir, but... Mr. Walchak looks an awful lot like that insane goblin who burned down the old Chronicle building, and ...beheaded Toby Hunter, a couple of years ago..."

wF: 😟

Travers: 😡 "That is an outrageous claim... Mr. Walchak is a fine, upstanding huwhite goblin of good character... And I will not tolerate those kinds of racist remarks in my office!

Brian: "But, Mr Travers..."

Travers: "SHUT THE FUCK UP, KYLE!"

Brian: "..."

Travers: "Now let me be clear... I don't give an Ed damn what pinko politics you subscribe to at home, as long as you leave it at the door. The days of pushing your agendas and your bullshit onto the public through this paper are over. And I will especially not tolerate any anti-goblin bigotry! You try to pull that crap, and bring an article to my desk talking that kind of shit, and you're out the fucking door... I'm dead serious!

Now I realise you probably don't like me very much now, and that's okay. You can go outside and scream at the sky until your heart’s content, but do it on your own fucking time. You hear me, Kyle, you snotty little pencil-necked prick?? I expect you to be professional and do your Ed damn jobs — which is WHATEVER I FUCKING TELL YOU!!!

If you don’t like the sound of that, there’s the door. You’re free to walk out anytime. But you’ll still need money for your soy lattes and overpriced shartphones — and in case you haven’t noticed, the economy’s a goddamn bloodbath. Good luck out there. My advice... you'd be wise to just put your feelings aside and actually work for a living... The grown-ups are back in charge, children. Get used to it..."

The room is silent. No one dares speak.

Travers: "Oh, that reminds me... which one of you is Shawna, head of HR?"

A worried-looking obese woman with big glasses and pink hair slowly raises her hand.

Travers: "Sorry, Shawna — you're fired. As is the entire HR department. Effective immediately. Go tell them, then pack your bags..."

Shawna is literally shaking in her chair.

Travers: "The hell you waiting for? A crane to take you outta here?"

Shawna: "You... you can't do this... I..."

Travers: "Actually, I can — because I'm in charge. Now get the hell out..."

She starts to cry and slowly rises, picking up her things.

The Master whispers to Travers:

Master Devlin (whispering): "Travers, you can’t just dissolve HR. You’ll need to find a replacement — legal requirements and all that. Also, I don’t think you can unfairly dismiss her... risk of lawsuit, and laws protecting her."

Travers: "..."

Without waiting for a response, Master Devlin calls out:

Master Devlin: "My apologies, Shawna — there has been a misunderstanding, and Mr. Travers has spoken out of turn. Please return to your seat."

The confused woman stops and cautiously sits back down.

Travers: "Master Devlin, a word outside, please..."

They step out of the briefing room and close the door.

Travers: "Master Devlin, I understand we are all new to this job and still getting a feel for things around here... but don’t EVER contradict me in front of MY staff again."

Master Devlin: "I’m just trying to keep you on the right side of the law for a change."

Travers: "I know the law!"

Master Devlin: "Clearly you don’t, you farce!"

Travers: "Clearly you forget that this is an independent Waldonia now... We're not in the UK. Not anymore! We do things differently here! There are no such legal protections... Certainly not for the existence of HR. Not in this town!"

Master Devlin: "..."

Travers: "Now, kindly head back in there and tell poor Shawna that you were misinformed and spoke out of turn. She’s still fired."

Master Devlin: "No, Travers, you can go remove her yourself. I’m not going to be seen as the villain around here. You want her gone, you do it yourself. I’m doing this to help you, not fuck you up. Perhaps if you have Waldo dig some dirt on her, you can remove her for gross misconduct. But until then, she can’t go anywhere unless she quits on her own. Otherwise, expect repercussions."

Travers: "Master Devlin, why must you be so stubborn and pompous? Every organisation should abolish HR! I'm trying to lead by example."

Master Devlin: "For what reason? Oh wait, I think I know why. You’re anticipating a sexual harassment claim against yourself before one happens... You disgust me."

Travers: "No, Master Devlin, you are speculating out of turn. It’s woke pigs like Shawna and those HR clowns who are the problem. They wield too much power. Spiteful political hacks, clamping down on free expression! Ruining companies from the inside."

Master Devlin: "You don't even know her. She could be alright..."

Travers: "I don't need to know her! Look at her! Tells you everything you need to know... Now look... My goal here is to make this newspaper a success. But some of the new policies are going to ruffle some feathers. There will be frivolous legal challenges, no doubt...But I'm trying to save our culture here."

Master Devlin: "Well, your staff are waiting. Better step to it. I’m not really here to do much around here other than to keep you in line. You are your own worst enemy. But if you’re unwilling to listen to me, then I am wasting my time. Goodbye."

Travers: "This was your idea. 😒"

Master Devlin: "What was?"

Travers: "The whole thing. Travers getting a job here! I was happy being unemployed!"

Master Devlin: "Yes, I know, and I am regretting it already. Any position of authority is dangerous for you. But we are here now. That speech in there reminded me so much of you as Mayor and Emperor. I am nervous of what this will do to you. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I'll be leaving now."

Travers: "No, you’re not going anywhere. This is your job. To watch me, remember?? Now stop being an asshole and go in there and tell Shawna she’s still gotta go. No room for dead weight. We are streamlining. Cuts have to be made."

Master Devlin: "Why me?"

Travers: "You spoke out of turn. You made a mistake. You need to rectify it. Now stop being so stubborn all the time. You’ll miss out on all the fun if you leave."

The Master sighs and opens the door. They step back inside and sit down.

Master Devlin: "Shawna... you’re out. Pack up your things."

Shawna bursts into tears and rushes out the door, almost hitting Travers like a freight train.

Travers: "Wow! Bet she’s never moved that fast in her entire life. Anyone else want to leave with her? No??... Good...Well, now that we understand each other, why don’t I tell you about my vision for the Waldopolis Chronicle going forward? Or better yet, how about I let my Deputy Editor, Master Devlin, explain it. As I already explained it to him and I don’t care to repeat myself... Unless of course I’m talking about my own achievements, in which case, guilty as charged... Master, if you please?"

Master Devlin: "Umm, so, yes, as Mr. Travers said, he would like to change the direction of this newspaper. He wants good investigative journalism, factual and non-opinionated news reporting, and… he wants to bring… breasts back. Specifically, he would like to see topless women on pages 3, 7 and 12."

The Master sits back down, feeling embarrassed and exhausted.

Travers: "You said it perfectly, Master Devlin... But just to elaborate... Yes, I want this paper to have factual, hard-hitting news combined with sensationalism and titillation. The goal of a newspaper isn’t only to inform, but to excite and terrify. This evening, I want everyone to go out and buy a copy of Playpen Magazine, and the Waldoverse Inquisitor because we're going to be taking a leaf outta their book... Combining the two... Real news, fake news, celeb gossip, boobs...

Just picture it: massive breaks of some conspiracy or scandal on the front page... A bestiality abuse ring operating within Widdlington Zoo... 70 years of cover-ups... Then page 2... paparazzi photos of Von Hildendorf’s latest botched beak job... Page 3, some charming young broad with her cans out... We’re going to eat our cake and have it too, folks...

And we're not going to tribal partisans either... Why settle for picking sides when we can have it all??"

Travers turn to Waldo.

Travers: "Now, Mr. Walchak, I want you to get out there and start digging up some dirt. Prowl the streets. Whether it’s secret aliens or paedofiles, I don’t care. Bring me that scoop."

wF: "Yes sir! Thanks very much for this chance, sir!"

Travers: "You're most welcome, Wally. Now, you — political editor, uh... Terry... You’re basically useless, so you make the tea. Then write a nice sweet fluff piece about the Empress’ pet duck, Wilfred. Something heartwarming and wholesome for page 11. Shameless cute animal stories are your thing now. In fact, I’ll send Jimmy over to get some photos of the national animal...

Which reminds me. Jimmy, you and... Claire? You’re going to go out and scout for titty talent. Try the Waldonian University. Or the... mall or something. Of course, we’ll have to get the women of Widdlington used to the idea first. Warm them up. So we may need to start with known quantities... Master Devlin, why don’t you take Jimmy to the Sass Hole and speak to Chantelle? See if any of her girls will be in the paper — in exchange for free advertising..."

Travers stops and stares at the cleavage of the attractive thirty-something blonde near the front.

Travers: "You’re the Art Director, right?"

She nods.

Travers: "How’d you like to be our very first page 3 model? Quite an honour... This could be your big break. Whaddaya say, cupcake?"

She blushes.

Master Devlin: "Travers, I don’t think that is appropriate…"

Travers: "Course it is. Look at her... Sure she’s a little on the older side, but she’s a total fox! Don’t listen to his negativity, sweetheart. He speaks outta turn. A lot! But I definitely think you got what it takes... Could make us all very proud. Just think it over... Well, I think that about does it for now. Any questions?"

Most of the room are now very confused. Travers has just assigned names to people without actually knowing who they are, not directing comments at anyone specifically. No one really knows who Travers is delegating to, apart from the Art Director. The Master is just looking at Travers, bewildered.

The Master hands Travers the roll call sheet. Travers glances at it and tosses it away.

Travers: "Well, get to work people. This isn’t The Spectator..."

The staff get up and head out.

Travers: "Oh, and Terry — I want that duck story on my desk by 3 p.m."

The political editor makes a gesture asking if Travers was talking to him. Travers nods, and he sheepishly nods back and leaves.

Travers: "Well, Master Devlin — apart from you speaking out of turn in front of the staff, which we’ll have to work on... I think that went rather well. Don’t you?"

The Waldoverse continues in The Woes of Scouting Hoes