The Woes of Scouting Hoes

The following takes place following: Nu(de) Direction

Later that day, The Master returns from his scouting mission. He walks into Travers' office to find the Art Director perched on Travers' desk while Travers lounges comfortably in his chair. There's a flirtatious energy in the air.

Master Devlin: "Ahem. Am I interrupting?"

Travers: "Not at all. Say hello to Daisy, 32, from Walverlake — the Chronicle's first ever Page 3 girl."

The Art Director turns to The Master and smiles.

Art Director: "Actually, it's Debbie... 34. But yes. I wasn't sure at first — thought I was too old, but Mr. Travers has convinced me. Guess it could be fun."

Master Devlin: "Yes, I know who you are, Miss Donnington. Unlike Mr. Travers, I’ve actually bothered to learn the staff’s names… Now, would you excuse us please? I'd like to have a word with him alone."

Debbie: "Yes, Mr. Donovan."

Master Devlin: "😒"

Debbie departs.

Travers: "So how did the scouting go? Did you enjoy your time at the Sass Hole?"

Master Devlin: "Not particularly. I find all this rather embarrassing, truth be told... And I'm concerned about you returning to your old ways. You're supposed to be reformed..."

Travers: "Y'know, Master Devlin, I was like you once, when I was a young goblin. Stuffy, prudish, uptight... Hell, I was a Puritan, for crying out loud. Literally! Went over with the Pilgrims on the Mayflower to the New World... Then one day, I realised I was all wrong-headed about the whole thing. I cast aside the very concept of shame and became the successful sex pervert you see before you today!

Now yes, I am reformed. But you gotta strike a healthy balance, and a little boobage never hurt anyone. So I promise to be on my best behaviour and keep Travers Jr under control — if you promise to stop fighting me on such harmless fun issues."

Master Devlin: "You’ll never change, Travers… I know that. But I’m trying to keep your scandals to a minimum. Because let’s be honest, you are a walking clusterfuck of a person, hence why I’m here to keep you in line. But you also need to listen when I tell you something is a bad idea."

Travers: "Of course!"

Master Devlin: "Right. Well then... I have your photos."

Master Devlin tosses a folder onto the desk.

Travers rubs his flippers together in anticipation.

Master Devlin: "Though I think you’ll find the girls have changed somewhat since your last visit to the Sass Hole... or maybe they were always like this. Hard to say."

Travers flips through the photos. He grows perplexed and unimpressed.

Master Devlin: "A lot of them have had work done. Fairly botched operations if you ask me. Weird fake tits done in Turkey. Botched lip filling, face lifts. Basically the same trashy job you see with most women who try to alter themselves... Look at these ones. The nipples look like googly eyes. Were the girls always like this?"

Travers: "What the hell? Chantelle employed these girls? What did she have to say for herself?"

Master Devlin: "Wasn’t there. I understand she’s on maternity leave."

Travers: "Oh no..."

Master Devlin: "Yes, well... it is what it is."

Travers: ".....You know what... I don't believe you."

Master Devlin: "What?"

Travers: "I don't believe you! Whatever game you're playing... I am not amused."

Master Devlin: "I assure you, Travers, there is no game. This is the quality of the talent at the Sass Hole at present... However, I anticipated you'd be like this, so I took the liberty of going elsewhere..."

The Master tosses down another file.

Travers: "I dread to imagine what this is."

Master Devlin: "I went to a more prestigious establishment."

Travers opens the file. His eyes bulge out of their sockets.

Master Devlin: "You owe me an apology."

Travers: "You know, you could’ve started with these! But my goodness... yes... Yes yes, fine. My apologies. I spoke out of turn... Tell me, which prestigious establishment? Where??"

Master Devlin: "It’s a place up in West Wallywood. Very upmarket establishment. You’d like it. It’s a £1000 entry kind of place."

Travers: "Well thank Ed for that. Something has clearly gone very wrong at the Sass Hole, but this is much— Wait... Did you say WEST WALLYWOOD??"

Master Devlin: "Yes."

Travers: "🤢"

Master Devlin: "What's wrong, Travers?"

Travers holds up a photo of one of the models.

Travers: "Is this... a dude??!? Are these transwomen, Master Devlin?!"

Master Devlin: "No! Surely not... I mean, I don't think so..."

Travers: "Look at that jawline!"

Master Devlin: "You're being ridiculous, Travers."

Travers: "Really?? This establishment... It wouldn't happen to be called 'Master Bait', now, would it?"

Master Devlin: "Well... Um... I think they renamed it to 'Body & Soul'..."

Travers: "You think??"

Master Devlin: "Well, to be honest, Travers... I didn’t actually go. I just sent Jimmy out alone."

Travers: "Good lord! How could you?? I ask you to do me one thing and you..."

Travers takes a deep breath.

Travers: "Let me speak plainly. I don't care how they identify or what kind of work they’ve had done... We are not putting topless men in our paper!"

Master Devlin: "Of course not."

Travers: "You really fucked us, Master Devlin! What are we gonna do now??"

Master Devlin: "..."

Travers: "I guess we’ll just have to rely on Daisy for the next few days until we can salvage this mess... I’m very disappointed in you. I don’t need this kind of stress. Maybe I should just go on vacation! I was thinking of a pilgrimage to Walgoth Monastery before you dragged me into this circus. How about you get the paper up and running, and I’ll come back to reap the rewards!?"

Master Devlin: "You got it…"

Travers: "🤔"

Master Devlin: "...😁"

Travers: "Y'know, on second thoughts, I don’t think I want to leave you in charge of the paper. I fear the sort of perverted filth you will print. I will not have my paper advertising your dirty ass butter."

Master Devlin: "😂 That is outrageous."

Travers suddenly looks very depressed. His dream is crashing down already.

Master Devlin: "Okay, okay... Look. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent Jimmy alone. My bad. But I can make this up to you."

Travers: "Really... somehow I doubt that. I know you, Master Devlin. I think you did this deliberately. Now I’ve got to scramble around and see who I can get to pose... Councilwoman Crampton, perhaps? Or Joyce Summers, maybe? Now that WAAH’s disbanded, she can’t be that busy..."

Master Devlin: "I don't see them going for it, but what about—"

Travers: "Sarah Platt! We should give her a call. I’m sure she could use the cash..."

Master Devlin: "I can try, but if I’m not mistaken, she’s currently carrying her 25th child..."

Travers: "Good Ed... well, maybe wait a while then... (sigh) I just don't know, Master Devlin... I'm running out of ideas..."

Master Devlin: "Travers... what if I can get you… Dr. Shawn?"

Travers: "Dr. Shawn? Hmm... You think she’d go for it?"

Master Devlin: "Possibly. She’s fallen on hard times recently. She might be more open to it as a result."

Travers: "True! Plus everyone’s seen her tits while in those oil change videos..."

Master Devlin: "Travers, that wasn’t her tits, you fool. It was a deepfake."

Travers: "So she says... Look real to me. Plus Frakes said they were real videos... Who you gonna believe? Then again, I suppose if I got to see them again, it would confirm one way or the other. Alright. I like this idea. Very much... Except you’ll need to clean her up... Last time we saw her, she looked like shit. Just a total mess."

Master Devlin: "I’ll see to it."

Travers: "Excellent..."

Travers casually flips through more photos out of curiosity. Suddenly, he recoils in disgust upon finding a topless photo of Sayuki 'Sing Kang' Waldo and her low-hanging geriatric tits.

Travers: "🤢 What the hell, man?? Where did you even get this??"

The Master lets out a raspy, wheezy Mutley laugh.

The Waldoverse continues in The Agony Aunt