Chronicle of a Sex Criminal

The following takes place following: Democracy, Eh?

wF: "Hey, bossman, would you sign this please?"

Travers: "What is it, Wally?"

wF: "It's a petition to have governmental oversight of the Mastas Council. We’ll take it to the Empress once we get enough signatures."

Travers: "Sure… okay… here’s the old national treasure John Hancock..."

Travers writes an "X" on the paper.

Travers: "There we are!"

wF: "Thanks very much, sir! It's good to have your support on this vital issue."

Waldo smirks cheekily at the Master. Then turns to Helen who is wiping down the desk.

wF: "How about you, madam cleaning lady? Will you sign? It's for a very good cause. This is grassroots political action, uh huh."

Helen: "I'm afraid I'm not really one for politics. Bloody liars, the lot of them."

wF: "Uh, yes quite, but we are for fair and democratic treatment of all Waldonians. No one should be above the law. Not even tha Mastas. We will make them accountable, uh huh, that's right..."

Master Devlin: “You’re welcome to try, of course. But it won’t change a thing. The Masters Council isn’t a government department — it answers to no one. Our reach goes well beyond Widdlington.

As for the Empress… Mayuri’s always been an ally to the Council, as is Wesley — who, as you know, is a Master himself. And even if you somehow managed to drag government oversight into our affairs, we’ll simply move our headquarters elsewhere. After over a thousand years here, it would be a shame, of course, but we’ll do what’s necessary. In the end, it’s the city that’ll suffer... But carry on with your little petition if you must.”

wF: "Oh we will!"

Waldo sticks his tongue out at the Master and marches off, clutching the petition proudly.

Travers: "You do realise this all makes the Masters seem sinister, right? And I wouldn’t count on Wyndam-Pryce being blindly loyal forever. If the Empress or a newly elected parliament wanted oversight, he might go along with it. Plus, would it really be such a bad thing? Having some accountability... An elected body keeping you lot from going too far?"

Master Devlin: "Yes, let’s add government oversight. The same governments that can’t organise a litter bin collection. That’ll help. The fact is, the Masters Council deals with threats and phenomena the average citizen couldn’t even comprehend. The only reason order persists is because they don’t know about any of it. That’s the point."

Travers: "Whatever. Just saying, is all... So, Helen — what do you make of the Empress’ referendum? Will you be voting?"

Helen: "Yes, I suppose I’ll be voting. But what I’d really like to discuss is my pay. I've asked you about a raise many times, Mr Travers, and you keep saying you'll think about it."

Master Devlin: "If you don’t mind me asking, Helen… how much do you earn?"

Helen: "£5.50 an hour. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t constantly cleaning up Mr Travers’ personal fluids — which weren’t in the job description. All these oil changes and post-drink vomiting create such a horrific mess."

The Master looks at Travers with disgust.

Master Devlin: "...I do apologise, Helen. I’ll speak with Mr Travers and get back to you."

Helen leaves the room.

Master Devlin: "You really are a piece of work, Travers."

Travers: "What?? Five pounds fifty is perfectly reasonable! Back in my day, you'd be lucky to get a buck-fifty for hard graft. And she conveniently forgets the generous pay she gets for getting her cans out."

Master Devlin: "Yes, but having her clean up your bodily fluids is just..."

Travers: "Helen’s speaking out of turn. ‘Not in her job description’ — she’s a cleaner, for crying out loud! She cleans whatever mess I make. Fluids or otherwise. If she doesn’t like it, she knows where the door is."

He straightens up, changing the subject.

Travers: "Anyway, I don't want to argue anymore. Let's see what the TV is saying about the referendum, shall we? I feel like perhaps this paper should endorse a position..."

Travers turns the TV on.

TV: Tonight on W4 News, we bring you an exclusive preview of Witnesses — the investigative documentary airing after this programme, which examines allegations of serious sexual misconduct involving the controversial former mayor and current editor-in-chief of the Waldopolis Chronicle, Harris Travers.”

Travers: “Oh dear…”

TV: “In the documentary, Witnesses speaks to seven women who have come forward with disturbing allegations — ranging from indecent exposure to sexual assault and rape—”

Travers: “RAPE?? Now hold on, Ed, dammit…”

TV: "...The women agreed to speak with us under conditions of anonymity, citing fears for their safety and reputation…”

A clip from the documentary Witnesses: Travers — Chronicle of a Sex Criminal plays. Ominous music underscores a montage of silhouetted figures and blurred faces, each describing their experiences with Travers. Their voices are distorted, identities concealed.

Woman 1: “It was an unsafe work environment… He used to walk around the office with his cock out.”

Woman 2: "He said it was a ‘team-building exercise.’ But he's a sexual predator."

Woman 3: “I told him no… he said I was ‘speaking out of turn.’ Then I woke up naked in his bed. My breasts were covered in slime and cocaine."

Woman 4: “…and then he raped me.” (sobbing)

TV Interviewer (off-screen): "Why didn't you go to the authorities?"

Woman 4: "Because he's protected. He’s tied to those Masters Council lot. Makes him untouchable..."

Travers: “This is outrageous... Master Devlin! They're speaking out of turn! Defamation! Do something!”

Master Devlin: "What do you want me to do?"

Travers: "I don't know... Get it taken off the air! Use your Council powers!?"

Master Devlin: "Sorry, Travers. I can't help you there."

The clip cuts to an undercover reporter being interviewed for a writing position at the Chronicle. In the secret camera footage, Travers sits back with a sleazy grin, smoking a cigar, as he attempts to solicit an oil change from her.

Travers: "Out of turn! That's taken completely out of context!"

Master Devlin: "Hmm. Not really. Frankly, I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner... I did try to warn you."

Travers: "But they're saying things that aren't true!"

Master Devlin: "Well it's happening, so we might as well stick around and watch the full documentary.

Travers: ...

Later that evening, Travers sits in horror, watching the hour-long documentary in which he is repeatedly smeared — without any concrete evidence. Like many things, it’s a mixture of inconvenient truths and baseless lies (according to Travers, shouting at the TV). The programme also devotes around ten minutes to black PR targeting the Masters Council.

Travers looks glum as the credits roll.

Travers: "This is it, isn’t it? My divine punishment... Ed said he was going to. All because I had a conscience…”

Master Devlin: "Hmm. Well, Travers. You're a walking disaster, and like I said, I'm surprised this kind of thing hasn't happened already as I have experienced so much of your sleazy misconduct first hand, but I must admit... some of this does seem a bit... embellished... I’ll look into it. Try to find out who these women are, where they’re from. Could explain a few things. But you need to be honest with me right here and now, because I’ll find out either way... Are any of the accusations accurate?”

Travers: “I dunno... I don't know who these women are! And there were a lot of accusations… Look, sure, maybe some of my workplace behaviour might be considered ‘inappropriate’ — by today’s standards. But I NEVER RAPED ANYONE! That’s pure fiction! That woman was speaking out of turn on a level I didn’t even think was possible. Maybe I laid a flipper on a bosom now and then — but I never forced myself on anyone. No drugs. No violence. It was all within reason! However, what Widdle Frunkut may have done when we were sharing a body… I can’t speak to that.”

Master Devlin: “Hmph… Perhaps I’m being cynical, but it’s entirely possible Widdle Frunkut instigated all this.”

Travers: “Nooo… Master Devlin... Wally is like a brother... He wouldn’t do that to me… would he?”

Master Devlin: “Yes. He absolutely would. Widdle Frunkut’s a vicious turncoat. Always has been. It would make sense. By framing you, he's smearing the Council through association.”

Travers: “Hmm… Maybe... I still think it’s Ed punishing me, though — for ruining his prank.”

Master Devlin: “You’re probably right. Might be both. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ed is using Waldo as a pawn. Anyway, I’ll do some digging. See what I can find out...”

Travers: “Thanks, Master Devlin. You’re my only hope… So much for Travers the MP…”

The Waldoverse continues in The Gospel of Goblinhouse