The Gospel of Goblinhouse
The following takes place following: Chronicle of a Sex Criminal
The next day, a large group of raging women - mainly middle class women from Walver Lake, Wallywood and parts of Waldobury, stood outside the Chronicle building chanting and calling for the arrest of Travers.
In his office, Travers turns up the volume on the TV as he and Master Devlin sit and watch the 24 hour news coverage on the various news channels.
WBC NEWS: “And back to our main story this hour — former mayor and current editor of the Waldopolis Chronicle, Harris Travers, is facing renewed calls to resign following the explosive documentary Witnesses, which aired on W4 last night. In the film, multiple women accuse Mr Travers of serious sexual crimes, including rape.
This morning, Mr Travers defiantly took to social media to denounce the documentary, calling it ‘fake news of the worst kind,’ and is reportedly considering legal action against the broadcaster unless they issue a formal apology and reveal the identities of the accusers.
In a statement, Widdlington Police said that while there is currently no active investigation into the allegations, they are reviewing the matter seriously. Public reaction to the documentary has been mixed. Mr Travers now faces protests outside the Chronicle building, while others — particularly online — have expressed support.
We can go live now to Waldminster, where our correspondent Felicity Crane is on the scene. Felicity, what’s the atmosphere like there?”
Felicity Crane (live, on location): “Thanks, Martin. I’m here outside the Waldopolis Chronicle building, where a large and increasingly vocal crowd has gathered in response to last night’s documentary on Mr Travers' alleged misconduct.
As you can probably tell, the mood here is intense. Protestors have been chanting for hours, demanding accountability and calling for the arrest of the controversial newspaper editor-in-chief. Many of those gathered say they were horrified by the allegations aired on W4, and say they’re not waiting for the justice system to catch up. There’s a sense here that the truth is self-evident — and that silence is complicity.”
Felicity turns to a protestor.
Felicity Crane: “I’m joined now by Judith, one of the protestors who’s been here since early this morning. Judith, tell us why you felt compelled to be here today.”
Judith: “Well, I watched the full documentary last night and I was absolutely sickened... It just confirmed everything I already thought about him, and it's high time we took a stand and said: enough is enough.”
Felicity Crane: “Have you ever encountered Mr Travers yourself?”
Judith: “Thankfully not. But just listening to those brave women tell their stories... I felt like I was there with them. I was up all night, literally shaking.”
Felicity Crane: “So you believe the allegations made against Mr Travers are genuine?”
Judith: “Absolutely. I believe all women.”
Felicity Crane: “In the interest of balance, we are required to say that he denies the allegations and has accused the documentary of being ‘fake news’... He also has a considerable following online who are supporting him. What makes you so sure of his guilt?”
Judith: “It's obvious! The way he talks, the way he looks — it’s predatory. I mean, we are talking about a man who brought back topless women on page 3, for goodness’ sake! He's trying to take us back to the dark ages! That man deserves to be in prison for a very long time. Not only to protect women, but our children too...”
Felicity Crane: “And you were saying earlier that you believe the allegations are just the tip of the iceberg?”
Judith: “Absolutely. Men like that don’t stop. They can't help themselves. It’s all about power and predation. I mean, what kind of man goes online and demands to know who his accusers are? It's blatant intimidation, and I think—”
Ms Crane notices a small goblin with a bushy beard walking through the crowd and immediately tries to speak to him.
Felicity Crane: “Excuse me... Sir! Sir. Felicity Crane, WBC News. Mind if we ask your opinion on this protest?”
Goblinhouse: “Ah suppose... What do you want to know abou’ tit?”
Felicity Crane: “Well I was going to ask you about your opinion on the Harris Travers accusations but, if you don't mind me saying — you look quite like him. Are you by any chance related?”
Goblinhouse: “Travers? You must be joking... Am I ‘eck, ya racist bint! Us goblins aren’t all related, ye know... He’s nowt relation t’ me — and if he was, I’d have disowned the bastard long ago!”
Felicity Crane: “My apologies. Also, you're live on the WBC, sir, so please don’t swear. Now, I’m interested — would you have disowned him because of the recent rape allegations?”
Goblinhouse: “Rape allegations? I don’t know nowt about that, but I’ll tell ye summit — he’s frens with them Masta bastards just down the road, and that’s bad enough for me."
Felicity Crane: "Sir, I must ask—”
Goblinhouse turns to face the camera.
Goblinhouse: "Three hundred of my fellow Witherfieldians were recently massacred there, and you lot just forgot about it, didn’t you? Well I haven’t! That’s why I’m voting YES in the upcoming referendum — so we can get fair and equal representation... It’s terrible... just terrible what’s happened to our community. I’ve lived ‘ere since 1973 and this is the worst it’s ever been. All because of them Masta scum and their UK Tory cronies down int Whitehall bleeding us dry...”
Felicity Crane: “With respect, sir, that’s not the issue at hand. We’re talking about Harris Travers — and also I asked you not to swear, so...”
Goblinhouse: “Fook off, ya daft bint!”
The little goblin hops up and punches her in the face.
Felicity Crane: “Argghh... I think... I think you broke my nose...”
Goblinhouse: “Good. Well then better go get it tended to, then. Go on, sling yer hook. We don’t want the likes of you ‘ere.”
The goblin then turns to the cameraman.
Goblinhouse: “YOU! Cameraman! Keep rollin’, ya bastard, or I’ll ‘ave you! I’m takin’ over this broadcast! People of Widdlington! Vote for democracy! Fair and equal treatment of all citizens! Vote YES in t’ referendum — and when we get that, you can vote for me, Mr Goblinhouse, Independent, for elected member of Witherfield!
I promise I’ll take the fight to the Masta’s Council. My pledge to you: to achieve the target of net-zero emissions from that bastard Devlin’s backside by 2025! Then we’ll tax the Council out of existence by 2030...
Widdlington is BROKEN! Widdlington needs REFORM!
A’right, that’s all. You, cameraman — piss off, will ye? Go on, sling yer hook and take her with ye...”
The feed cuts back to the shocked anchor, who is stunned into silence. With a loud sigh, Travers mutes the TV.
Master Devlin: “I knew it... Waldo. That son of a bitch. Notice how quickly he diverted attention and used you to attack the Master’s Council.”
Travers: “Why are you always trying to blame Wally for everything, Master Devlin? It's like you're obsessed... It’s that Goblinhouse guy who's stirring shit up.”
The Master goes silent, trying to resist the urge to strike Travers.
Travers: “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Master Devlin: “Because, Travers... Waldo IS Goblinhouse, you fucking moron.”
Travers: “Huh? Really?”
Master Devlin: “Yes! Isn’t it obvious?? He was doing the voice here in this very office just the other day... going on about democracy.”
Travers: “Oh yeah... I just thought he was doing an impression. Thought he was a pretty good actor, is all.”
Master Devlin: “Yes, well, he does like doing various voices and impressions as well. Sort of like a Johnny 5 type character. Anyway — like I said, he’s using you to smear the Council by association.”
Travers: “Guess you're right... What does Wally have against the Council anyway?”
Master Devlin: “It’s hard to say. We took him in, looked after him, tried to educate him. But Widdle Frunkut cannot be taught — and he believes anyone who tries to teach him deserves punishment. He cannot stand authority. Therefore, he feels the Council must be brought down.”
Travers: “I see... You know what? I miss being a lawyer. Life was somehow easier back then... Remember how I embarrassed the acting DA at my own trial? He was so mad, he sent the mob after me! Good times...”
Master Devlin: “Then why don’t you restart the law firm?”
Travers: “Well, funnily enough, I recently bought back my old law office building from the bank... so I guess I could. But I thought I was supposed to be a newspaper man now. I thought the editor wanted it... I feel it, y'know? But maybe it’s this Cody guy. Erm... God... Co-God?”
Master Devlin: “I doubt the co-editor cares.”
Travers: “Oh, Master Devlin, ye of little faith. I don’t believe that. Have you forgotten already how he stepped in to defend us not long ago? In fact, I think I’m gonna start praying to him instead. He seems like he can get shit done! Maybe if I pray hard enough, he’ll make this MeToo-against-Travers stuff go away...”
Master Devlin: “Hmm. Well, you can try...”
Travers: “Are you there, Co-Ed? It’s me, Travers...”
Travers gets down on his knees facing the window and starts praying, making indecipherable mutterings. The Master leaves and heads into his own office.
After a few minutes, a storm rumbles outside with thunder and lightning. The Co-Editor’s voice appears through a beam of light.
Cody: “You summoned me, Mr Travers?”
Travers: “Good lord! My prayers have been answered! Yes, sir. I seek spiritual guidance, your holiness... I am aimless and hedonistic. I need help finding purpose, or at the very least, a new plotline or arc to follow.”
Cody: “That’s not really my area. You’ll have to figure it out.”
Travers: “Oh... Well then, if it’s not too much trouble, perhaps you could save me from this vicious smear campaign. The media and a bunch of false witnesses are attempting to destroy my impeccable reputation. I believe the Editor is behind it, punishing me for the crime of simply telling the truth when I ruined his prank on Master Devlin.”
Cody: “Why do you need my help? Surely you can sleaze your way out of it?”
Travers: “I’d rather not take the chance. They are accusing me of awful things. Besides, you come highly recommended as an arbiter of justice, sir. Your holiness...”
Cody: “Hrmm. Very well. Leave this with me. I will speak with the Editor.”
The storm cloud clears up as the Co-Editor ascends to the writer’s room. Ed is sitting back, feeling smug.
Cody: “So, shall we drop the Travers rape stuff and keep the sexual harassment?”
Ed: “Why? Travers must learn.”
Cody: “Learn what?”
Ed: “To never defy his God...”
Cody: “Why are you the way that you are?”
Ed: “Dunno. Maybe I really am the Devil?”
Cody gives Ed a stern look.
Ed: “Fine then. Go ahead. I’ve made my point anyway. Besides, these things usually fizzle out with the news cycle... The media reports on allegations. A huge fuss gets made and they try to cancel them, then everyone forgets about it.”
Cody: “Indeed.”
The Co-Editor reappears outside Travers' window.
Cody: “Mr Travers!”
Travers: “Y-yes, your worshipfulness?”
Cody: “I have spoken with the Editor, and we have agreed that the rape accusations will be quashed. They will soon be proven false by the police. However, the sexual harassment allegations — you will have to weather those yourself. I’m afraid you are too much of a dirty dog, and this one is far too ingrained in public perception. You’ll have to live with it. Sort your life out, Mr Travers.”
Travers: “That’s most fair! Thank you, most gracious Co-Editor! You are my salvation! How can I thank you enough? Perhaps I should build a church in your name?”
Cody: “That won’t be necessary. However... I understand that Master Devlin has a dirty bottom. Please go and clean it. Immediately.”
Travers: “Uh... Yes, sir...”
The Master is sitting at his desk. His door opens to reveal Travers standing there, wearing goggles, an apron, and marigold gloves. He’s carrying a rag and a bucket of soapy water.
Master Devlin: “Why are you dressed like that, Travers?”
Cut to outside the office as Travers closes the door. We only hear the Master’s voice from within.
Master Devlin (muffled): “Travers... what the hell are you doing?… Travers... TRAVERS!?”
There are slight sounds of a struggle. The clock fast-forwards, indicating several minutes have passed. The door opens. Travers steps out of the Master’s office, fixes his tie, and twitches his moustache. He walks into his own office and closes the door.
The Master steps out, pale white. He notices all the staff staring at him. He steps back into his office and closes the door.
The Waldoverse continues in Frauds & Fluids: 大いなる不名誉