Goblinhouse: Unmasked

The following takes place following: Frauds & Fluids: 大いなる不名誉

Tracking Waldo, the Master arrived at an outdoor rally in Widdicombe. The crowd had gathered in Walbert Square, a patch of territory belonging to Wilford, just south of Witherfield. He strode confidently through the a sea of excitable locals, unfazed by the dirty looks, hissing, and abuse—most of it hurled at him in Cockney accents.

Wilford, he knew, was a scrappy enclave of East London exiles who had fled in a great tide of ‘white flight’ and washed up in Widdlington, bringing their moaning and market-stall manners with them. Now, at the centre of its square, Les Battersby of Witherfield stood on stage beside local man “Dirty Den” Watts. The two were addressing the rally, railing about the state of the city and hailing a new alliance between their districts under the banner of the Wifform Party.

Les: “...Absolutely, yeah... Fantastic... Alright, well, thanks very much for havin’ me today, Den. It’s brilliant that we have this alliance now, thanks in no small part to our earlier speaker, Mr. Goblintime1976, for helping bring us together. But now, ladies and gentlemen... the time has come. The man you’ve all been patiently waiting for... Can I have a massive round of applause for Mr. Goblinhouse!”

The crowd erupts in cheers and chants. Mr. Goblinhouse steps onto the stage, waving to the audience. The Master recognises one of his security guards, Mr. Raymond, following close behind.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Good afternoon, Wilford! What a wonderful day! Thank you all for taking the time to be with us today. It’s truly an honour tit have ya here with us... Well... something truly magical is happening out there, int it? You can feel it, can’t you? I certainly can. I feel change is comin’. Can feel it in me bones... well, I would if I had any bones left, but nevermind, eh. Hehehe..."

The Master raises an eyebrow and looks around as the crowd erupts in laughter.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "And ah tell ye who else can feel it... the establishment media. They see what’s been happening here int places like Wilford, Witherfield ant surrounding areas... And they’re terrified! Did you see that fake news trash about me on telly last night?"

The crowd boos and hisses.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Absolutely no shame, the lot of them... They’re all int cahoots, every one of them... WTV, WBC, W4, The Wallywood Times... Especially the Waldopolis Chronicle... They'll do and say absolutely anything to discredit our movement, because they are scared shitless of us..."

"An’ you know why, don’t ye? Because who’s at the top... Who’s pulling their strings? Those filthy, Masta Bastards! That’s right folks, they’ve completely infiltrated and subverted our institutions. They’ve indoctrinated our children... They wish to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids..."

"Well, I say no more! You know, time was, we’d have just had a strong ruler kick ’em all out, like old Edward Longshanks did... He had all the Masters expelled from England back in 1297. Didn’t know that, did ye? Why? Because the Masters don’t want you to know that. They don’t want you to know there can be another way."

"I tell ya summit else that happened. Carbon emissions decreased dramatically during that time period when they were banned. They keep telling us we need to go net zero by takin’ away our freedom, when really, we should just get rid of them instead!"

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Unfortunately, our Empress, while very sweet and pretty, is just not up to the task, and she’s completely under the thumb of them bastards. That’s why we need to vote YES on the 7th of July... It’s not just a vote for democracy. It’s not just a vote for accountability... It’s a vote for HOPE... a vote for FAIRNESS and FREEDOM!"

The crowd cheers loudly. After several seconds, Goblinhouse raises a hand, urging them to settle down and listen.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "But of course, that’s only the first half of the battle... Once we get a YES vote, then we need proper political representation! That’s why I urge you all to sign up for the WIFFORM party... Widdlington needs Wifform... We need WIFFORM! Real representation for the interests of the common man... And if you’ll have me, I would like to be your representative in a future parliament... It’s time we took back this town for the people!"

Goblinhouse finally addresses the Master in the crowd, towering over the others.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Well, well... I see we’ve got an interloper in our midst... Master Stan Devlin of the council... Ladies and gentlemen! No doubt come to try and intimidate us..."

The crowd turns, noticing the Master for the first time. Boos and shouted abuse rise up.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Why don’t you come up here, if you dare? Not scared, are ye?"

The crowd parts as the Master steps forward and climbs onto the stage.

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Well then, Mr. Fancy Pants! What’ve you got to say for yourself?"

The Master ignores Waldo, picks up a microphone, and faces the crowd.

Master Devlin: "Yes I am a Master... and a dragon... My name is Master Steven Devlin and I have proudly served on the Masters Council for a very long time... And I'm here today to tell you that you have all been deceived... Tricked. Mr Goblinhouse, as he's currently calling himself, is nothing more than a fraud and a con artist... and he's taking you all for fools..."

Mr. Goblinhouse: "Of course he’d say that, wouldn’t he? Mr Big-brained Masta man, thinking us peasants too thick to grasp the system... Like how the Mastas Council dipping their dirty claws into the public purse is actually a good thing for us... Give over.”

Master Devlin: "You think he's this passionate little old man from Witherfield, fighting against injustice... The reality is that he's actually just a very naughty little goblin..."

The Master suddenly reaches over and yanks the goblin's fake beard and cap off. Gasps in the audience. Waldo does a nervous smirk as he starts to sweat profusely.

Master Devlin: "His real name is Widdle Frunkut, also known as Waldo. Perhaps some of you have heard of him. Likely he has personally swindled many of you already. He's as crooked as a bag of snakes and he lives for mischief and causing chaos...

Every election, he shows up, preys on the vulnerable, and takes your money as he promises he will fix everything. I'm sure he's already sold many of you cheap pocket watches too, which by now are almost certainly broken.”

Several in the crowd pull out their pocket watches, listening for ticking. Some shake theirs until they fall apart, others notice the clockwork spinning backwards. The audience begins to become angry.

Master Devlin: "Just last month he incited a riot which led to the attack on the Masters Council Headquarters by peddling the same dangerous misinformation as he does now. Yet where was he when that battle was taking place? He'd slinked off, leaving your neighbours to die... The fact is, he doesn't care about any of you. He only cares about causing chaos, and has a particular investment in stirring up hatred against the Masters Council..."

wF: "That's not true! I stood with my brothers on that battlefield as they fought bravely. Now I don't know why Ed almighty chose to spare me that day, but I choose to believe it's so I could lead you all to victory another day... Now I admit, I may have been somewhat less than truthful about my identity... But having a nom de guerre ain't no crime, and it doesn't make my passion for bringing down the Mastas any less genuine... We have a real movement here. Don't let this bastard poison the well..."

Master Devlin: "What if I were to tell you that not only is Widdle Frunkut not actually from Witherfield — he lives in Waldobury with me by the way... But that he is also a failed former pupil and employee of the Masters Council himself?”

Unease ripples through the crowd. The wait for his repsonse.

wF: “Aye...It’s true! Shocking, I know, but I can explain that... As a young goblin, they snatched me from my parents to brainwash me. When they saw I couldn’t be indoctrinated, they gave me a janitor’s job — just to keep me under their thumb... But it's exactly because I got to see what really goes on inside — that’s made it my life’s work to expose those bastards.”

Master Devlin: “Sounds like the ramblings of a disgruntled ex-employee to me. But no, he was well looked after. He’s just obsessed with chaos and carnage. A mass murderer who wants to watch the world burn. Why? Because he’s insane.”

Audience member: "Hold on! If he's so evil, why haven't you stopped him then?"

Master Devlin: "Good question. I will demonstrate."

The Master picks Waldo up off the stage, grasping him by the head with one hand. With the other, he flicks out a razor sharp claw and effortlessly decapitates Waldo, dropping the body, followed by the head to the stage floor.

The audience gasp and some scream. One even shouts "Murderer!" The Master holds his hand out calmly.

Master Devlin: "Just wait..."

After a few seconds, the body and head liquify and join back together before reforming into the classic Waldo shape. The audience are stunned into silence.

wF: “Do you have any idea how much that stings?”

Master Devlin: "The fact is that Widdle Frunkut cannot be killed and he cannot be contained for very long. Believe me, we've tried for a very long time. The best we can do is try to limit the chaos and destruction.

Now regarding the Masters Council. I understand some of the distrust and resentment. Yes we are secretive, but for a good reason. The fact is that Waldonia sits atop a region where the barrier between the supernatural world and the human world is much weaker than usual. As a result, there are a great many supernatural and folklore creatures in this region. Some are civil and well behaved. Others are extremely dangerous... Some even more so than Widdle Frunkut here.

The Masters Council's job is to police such creatures. We have to deal with threats to this city beyond what most of you can even imagine. That's why we can't afford to have most of it get out, and why we can't waste time with governmental oversight and red tape. We are here to stop monsters from running amok. We are here to save lives... Not fill out endless paperwork.

Of course, you can still vote and elect Goblinhouse if you wish. You can even run the Council out of town if you wish... But then you will be on your own... The town will be overrun by monsters overnight. And where do you think your fearless leader will be? He will be gone. He will stir the shit pot, then as soon as the shit hits the fan, he will be nowhere to be found, along with your many donations...

Well, I've said what I came to. Thank you. Good night, and good luck..."

The Master steps off the stage.

There's silence among the crowd. Everyone looks at each other uneasily. The atmosphere is full of tension.

The Waldoverse continues in Spin Wars