Dr. Doom, I Presume?

The following takes place following: Spin Wars

Master Devlin: "Travers, I really don't think this is a good idea."

Travers: "Why not?"

Master Devlin: "Because YES is leading in the polls by five points now."

Travers: "That's not good enough. We should be 20 points ahead! That's exactly why I'm going to go on to boost it... If it weren't for you putting out those inflammatory videos mocking the Wifform voters, we'd be better off!"

Travers pulls out his phone and pulls up the Master’s video.

Master Devlin: "For the last time, Travers... That's not me! I didn't post that! It was an imposter. Likely Waldo with some sort of Goblin Brand Master puppet."

Travers: "Don't be ridiculous, Master Devlin. Don't you think Travers can recognise his own best friend?"

Master Devlin: "Evidently not."

Ermintrude: "I really think it's time you started wearing your prescription glasses, Mr. Travers..."

Travers: "Nooo, Ermintrude... I told you before, I'm the editor-in-chief. I need to project strength in front of the troops under my command. Wearing glasses is a sign of weakness... I learned that in prison... Prison changes a goblin... Besides, I don't need them... Traverses have perfect vision... it's just a poor light today..."

Master Devlin: 🤨 "Ermintrude, please fetch Mister Travers his glasses."

Travers: "Belay that order. Master Devlin is speaking out of turn."

Master Devlin: "You are a newspaper editor, Travers… not God. And as for your vision, you are carrying so many STDs which are known to cause conjunctivitis and even blindness. Quite frankly, Travers is utterly outrageous."

Travers: "Poppycock."

Master Devlin: "Yes, you have that too."

Travers: "Travers' immune system nullifies diseases. What doesn't kill Travers makes him stronger. That's a fact! Anyway, I have to get ready."

Master Devlin: "Don't do it. Call in sick or something."

Travers: "No. The campaign needs me."

Master Devlin: "Tell me, Travers... Do you actually want YES to succeed?"

Travers: "Of course I do! Travers always says what Travers means..."

Master Devlin: "Well then I have to be straight with you... You're not good at debating. In fact, if you go on Newsnight to advocate for YES, you're likely to do more harm to the campaign than good."

Travers: "Ohhh, Master Devlin. This is no time for your jokes. Of course I don't take your teasing personally. I know that you know that Travers is a Master debater... But I appreciate you trying to keep me humble. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get my makeup done..."

****

Sarah Kaplan: "Good evening and welcome to Newsnight. With just over a week until the referendum, voters will decide whether to keep Waldonia under the current imperial system or to adopt a constitutional monarchy with an elected government.

Tonight we’re joined by two high-profile voices from each side.

For the 'YES' campaign is Harris Travers, Editor-in-Chief of the Waldopolis Chronicle, former mayor, former Emperor… and 'national treasure' — I was instructed to say that last part... On Monday, his newspaper officially endorsed the YES campaign.

And for the 'NO' campaign, opposing the change, Dr. Meredith Bloom, senior fellow at the DRB Institute — a policy think tank dedicated to 'stability in governance' — which has come out firmly against democratic reform.

Mr. Travers, Dr. Bloom — welcome to Newsnight. Mr. Travers, it was you yourself, during your time as mayor, who unilaterally took Waldoshire out of the UK and declared yourself Emperor of Waldonia. Why the sudden change of heart?"

Travers: "It’s not sudden at all, Sarah. The fact of the matter is, I’ve had a whole month to think it over. And at some point, you gotta stop procrastinating and just make a decision. That’s what leaders do. That’s what winners do!"

Kaplan: "But as mayor you were the one who created the dictatorial empire and nearly crippled the economy, before handing the keys to the empire to your now ex-wife. And now you’ve just… changed your mind about the whole thing?"

Travers: "Exactly! I was a little bit out of turn back then, but now I’m reformed. I’m a noble goblin now — fighting for justice and democracy for all."

Kaplan: "But what actually changed your mind?"

Travers: "Well... The fact is, our beloved Empress wants it this way, so naturally I’m inclined to follow her lead. After all, she’s a national treasure… just like Travers."

Kaplan: "So… if I’m understanding you correctly… you want to abolish the system in which the Empress is supreme ruler… because she told you to?"

Travers: "…Yeah!"

Kaplan: "I see. There are some rumours that if the YES vote goes through, you intend to stand for parliament. Any truth to that?"

Travers: "Well, I don’t normally pay much attention to rumours… but now that you mention it... that’s not a bad idea. Harris John Travers, the Right Honourable Member for Waldminster... Kinda has a nice ring to it, don't it?"

Kaplan: "Do you honestly think people would vote for you this time? Given what happened when you were mayor… Or perhaps with the recent allegations of sexual misconduct raised in the W4 documentary, don’t you think—"

Travers: "Nooo, Sarah… you’re speaking out of turn. Firstly, those allegations are completely false. Proven in a court of law..."

Kaplan: "Actually, no, they weren’t. It’s true the police found the rape allegation against you to be false, and the woman in question — Carrie Anne Matheson — has been arrested. But that doesn’t mean the other—"

Travers: "The fact of the matter is, it was a vicious smear campaign orchestrated by bitter rivals. And with the power of the Co-Editor at my side, I blew the whole conspiracy apart. Frankly, by continuing to perpetuate this lie, you are peddling fake news. And unless you want me to sue your ass — and the entire WBC — I suggest you cease speaking out of turn and get back to the subject at hand. Namely, my selfless leadership in the holy crusade for democracy."

Kaplan: "Alright. Let’s bring in Dr. Meredith Bloom from the DRB Institute. You’ve argued strongly that we should keep the current imperial system in place. Why?"

Bloom: "Because, Sarah, this is no time for reckless experiments with the constitution. The Empire — for all its flaws, has given us seven months of stability, continuity, and firm leadership. If we abandon it now, we plunge ourselves into chaos. Markets will panic. The gold standard could collapse overnight. Waldonia’s international standing will be in tatters."

Travers: "International standing? What the hell are you talking about? We're a nation of isolationists..."

Bloom: "You and your xenophobic, lowbrow readers perhaps, but you don't speak for the rest of us. Some of us are trying to build bridges, not walls."

Travers: "Xenaphobic? I'm not Xenaphobic. I love that show. She's damn fine. A princess worthy of Travers..."

Bloom: "I uh... I don't know what he's even saying and I don't think he does either..."

Travers: "That's because you can't handle Travers' rhetorical supremacy. Don't feel bad though. I was a lawyer before I became the champion of democracy you see before you today."

Kaplan: "Let's get back on track, shall we. Dr. Bloom, some would argue we had a democracy for a very long time before, and that worked perfectly well—"

Bloom: "Perfectly well? Sarah, don't you remember the endless hung parliaments? The horse-trading in smoke-filled rooms? The rotating door of useless prime ministers? That was the so-called "democracy" we had before. The fact is, governance is simply too complex and important to be trusted with the average voter. If we allow everyone to have a say, it will be complete anarchy! Next thing you know, they'll be marrying their cats and dogs and voting to legalise cannibalism!

Last week, our institute released a report warning that if the YES vote passes, within six months, we could be facing food shortages, mass unrest, soaring unemployment, power cuts and even potentially thermonuclear war."

Kaplan: "Mr. Travers, how do you respond to those claims?"

Travers: "Utter nonsense. Project Fear in full swing. We should be calling you Dr. Doom and Gloom instead, he he he... But then what can you expect other than cowardice from the 'Don't Rock the Boat' institute? The fact of the matter is, the almighty editors would never allow the sky to fall like that. It’s simply not in their interest."

Bloom: "Forgive me if I don’t put all my faith in your imaginary friends, Mr. Travers, but I prefer to rely on sophisticated predictive models."

Travers: "Sophisticated? I read your report, Doc. You cited a Waldhaven cow’s milk turning sour overnight and readings from chicken bones as evidence for your predictions!"

Bloom: "We employ a diverse range of measurements and have a long history of—"

Kaplan: "Alright, alright, let’s stay on topic. We can debate the merits of superstition another time... Mr. Travers, yesterday your newspaper claimed every Waldonian household will be £7,000 better off if we voted YES. Dr. Bloom, curiously, on the same day, you said households would actually be £7,000 worse off. Where are you both getting these figures?"

Travers: "We said it first! Four hours earlier, in fact... She copied me, no doubt. Typical weasel tactics."

Bloom: "I was citing the WMF, who ran the numbers. They found that replacing an efficient dictatorship with a slower, wasteful — and inevitably corrupt — democratic system would cost each household an estimated £7,032 a year. Mr. Travers cited no source at all. He just pulled it out of thin air. I was simply correcting the record. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he saw the WMF report and flipped it around."

Travers: "Objection! Wild speculation!"

Kaplan: "Mr. Travers, can you explain where you got the £7000 figure from?"

Travers: "I’m a newspapergoblin, Sarah, not an economist. People tell me things and I report them."

Kaplan: "You put it on your front page — with your own name attached to the story. Surely you must know your source?"

Travers: "I’ll be straight with you, I don’t actually recall. Running a newspaper is hectic business, you know. I can't keep track of every bit of news I get! I think it was my assistant Kyle who told me... But it doesn’t really matter — it was more of an editorial anyway. And I think you’ll find I said every household could be £7,000 better off, which is entirely possible. I’d dare say even highly likely. And good luck proving otherwise. And c’mon. At the end of the day, who you gonna trust? A national treasure with a long, distinguished career of public service, or some shrill shrew and her wanker banker friends?"

Kaplan: "Well I’m afraid that's all we have time for—"

Bloom: "I'd really like to respond to that if I may—"

Kaplan: "I'm sorry but we really have run out of time... And there we have it. Two very different visions for Waldonia’s future — bold optimism versus dire warnings. Harris Travers, Dr. Meredith Bloom. Thank you both very much for being on Newsnight."

Travers: "You're most welcome. And just remember folks, vote YES to secure your place on the right side of history, along with yours truly, Harris Travers, national treasure."

Travers: "I think that went rather well, don't you?"

Master Devlin: 🤨😒

Ermintrude: "Um... well, it was certainly a... confident performance..."

Travers: "I thought so too. One of my best yet. Now, if you’ll excuse me… time to unleash the Travers charm on Dr. Doom over there... She may be a hysterical doomsayer, but she ain’t half bad — got this whole sexy librarian thing going on…"

Travers winks and saunters toward the other side of the studio.

The Waldoverse continues in TBD