A Government Out Of Turn
The following takes place following: The Floppy Menace
Director of Communications Office, The Citadel Sep 13, 2024, 7:45
Jamie MacDonald sits behind his desk, feet up, phone pressed to his ear.
Jamie: “...Yes, Mr Prime Minister, we’ve got the issue well in hand… [laughs] Oh, nothing. Just going through this very fucking weird porn collection we found in your old boss’s office...”
Jamie: “Yes, I understand that, sir, but the gravity of the situation made it necessary. We can’t just let creepy wee goblin fucks steal government files and get away with it...”
Sandra, Jamie’s assistant, enters carrying a tray with tea, biscuits, and the morning papers.
Jamie: “Yeah, well, it’s my job to protect you and your government — and that means doing it my way...” (Covers the microphone, turns to Sandra) “Thanks, darlin’. Oh, and maybe a few less biscuits next time — need to watch my figure or I’ll have bigger tits than you, haha..."
Sandra: “I think you’ll want to see the Wallywood Times right away...”
She places the paper in front of him. Jamie’s grin fades as he reads the headline.
Outside the office, civil servants jump at the sound of:
Jamie (offscreen): “FUUUUUCCKK!!”
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The Wallywood Times: "£30 Million Taxpayer Money Missing: BOAC Scandal and the Fight for Press Freedom"
By Arthur Penfold, Editor-in-Chief of The Wallywood Times
As the editor of The Wallywood Times, I have long believed in the power of a free press to hold power to account. In that spirit, I present to you one of the most significant stories of government corruption and press suppression we’ve encountered. This is not just a scandal; it’s a coordinated attack on the integrity of journalism itself.
The story centers on the newly-formed Bureaucratic Oversight and Administrative Constraint (BOAC) department, led by Rt Hon Fiona Malone of the Reform Party, and it concerns the apparent disappearance of £30 million of taxpayer money. Civil servants, under the orders of Malone and Administrative Coordinator Sheila Parkin, allegedly fudged financial records to cover up the missing funds.
This story, uncovered by our fellow journalists at The Waldopolis Chronicle, came at a cost. Their Deputy Editor, Master Steven Devlin, was arrested on suspicious charges of jaywalking, and their legal counsel, Master James Harold, was detained under the sinister "Section 37" — after which he vanished without a trace. The Chronicle's office was raided by government agents, their files seized, and they were subjected to threats from James McDonald, the government's Director of Communications.
It is in the name of truth and press freedom that we, The Wallywood Times, have formed a temporary but necessary alliance with The Waldopolis Chronicle. In this joint effort, we aim to expose the government’s dangerous overreach and ensure the public knows the full truth. In a show of unity, I have agreed to share this platform with Harris Travers, the editor-in-chief of the Chronicle, "vocal defender of free speech and National Treasure..."
So now, I pass the torch to Harris Travers to tell the tale in his own unique voice.
A Government Out Of Turn: The Scandal Behind the Scandal
By Harris Travers, Editor-in-Chief of The Waldopolis Chronicle
My fellow Waldonians—where would this country be without its true defenders of free speech? I, Harris Travers, proudly count myself among those noble few, a national treasure, as some have graciously called me. Others may label me a warrior for truth or perhaps a savior of honest journalism. I’ll leave it to you to decide which title is more fitting. But let’s not linger on such accolades—no matter how well-deserved.
The fact of the matter is, we are now witnessing an unprecedented level of government corruption and tyrannical overreach. What you are about to read is no ordinary scandal; it is a deliberate, calculated assault on transparency, decency, and democracy itself. The corridors of power have been shaken to their core as those at the highest levels scramble to bury the truth. But, as always, we, the vanguards of free speech, stand ready to expose their dirty dealings—and this story is just the beginning.
For weeks, whispers of corruption had echoed through the corridors of power, and my team at The Waldopolis Chronicle had been hot on the trail, led by none other than our plucky star reporter, Wally Walchak, who first uncovered that something was deeply amiss within the freshly minted BOAC department, headed by the so-called pillar of Reform, Fiona Malone. £30 million of taxpayer money had mysteriously “vanished,” and civil servants, under the tight grip of Sheila Parkin, were scrambling to bury the truth beneath a labyrinth of doctored spreadsheets.
Naturally, it fell to us at The Chronicle to break the story wide open. But the moment we inched closer to the truth, the threats began. James McDonald, the Director of Communications and the government’s designated “enforcer,” was none too pleased that we were about to pull back the curtain on this colossal cover-up. He tried to muzzle us—but as you’ll soon discover, silencing me is no simple task.
Then came the arrest of my beloved deputy, Master Steven Devlin—a man of extraordinary journalistic talent—on a trumped-up charge of jaywalking. Imagine, a man of his stature, dragged through the mud over such a petty, fabricated offense. His arrest was nothing short of a scandalous act carried out of turn. But the attack on our freedom didn’t end there. Master Devlin’s legal co-counsel, Master James Harold—who had been tirelessly, if somewhat ineffectually, defending him—was also arrested, disappearing under the sinister cloak of Section 37. The message was clear: the government would stop at nothing to silence those who dared to expose their misdeeds.
But it wasn’t just our personnel they targeted. In a desperate attempt to quash the story, the government raided The Chronicle’s office, seizing everything in sight. Documents, computers—anything they could lay their hands on—including the most tragic loss of all: my extensive, irreplaceable collection of classic, tasteful gentlemen's magazines dating back to the 1960s, confiscated out of turn with a cruelty that can only be described as barbaric.
I must say, the artistry of those photographs was unparalleled. Each image captured the very essence of beauty—topless and nude, yes, but imbued with an elegance that transcended mere flesh. These were not just pictures; they were a celebration of the human form, a tribute to the aesthetic ideals of a bygone era—one that I myself have attempted to resurrect in my own small way with our beloved Chronicle Girls—whose images were also seized out of turn! I can only hope those WBI agents appreciate the cultural significance of those rare images. Oh, and I should mention that Master Devlin's Fabergé egg collection, worth hundreds of thousands of pounds, was also seized alongside my treasured magazines—
But I digress. We, the champions of truth, had the foresight to back up our evidence. And thanks to the cooperation of our friends here at The Times, we can now expose to the public the full extent of the government’s rot. From the £30 million quietly disappearing into bureaucratic black holes to the ruthless crackdown on anyone daring to investigate, this is a government in full cover-up mode.
Rest assured, our fight is far from over. Though they took our documents, our computers, and my precious pornography—we still stand, defiant! In standing together, united with The Wallywood Times, we shall bring this scandal to light. The truth will not be buried, not while I, the tireless defender of the Fourth Estate, am at the helm.
Before I conclude this account of our ongoing battle for truth, I must take a moment to express my heartfelt thanks to my incredible team at The Waldopolis Chronicle. Their tireless dedication and unwavering resolve have been the bedrock of our efforts. I extend special gratitude to my remarkable secretary and political correspondent, Ermintrude Maine-Anjou, whose bountiful bosoms have not only provided comfort but have truly saved the day in our darkest hours. And of course, to my wonderful "Chronicle Girls," your contributions to our publication are invaluable, helping us navigate this tumultuous landscape with grace and resilience.
But enough from me (for now). The facts are here. You, dear reader, deserve to know them, and know them you shall.
As you’ve read, Harris Travers brings his own particular flair to this story—and for that, we are grateful. At the heart of this matter is a government that has overstepped its bounds, threatening not just the press, but the very core of democratic transparency. Together, we will continue to dig deeper into this scandal. In the pages that follow, you will find a detailed breakdown of the BOAC cover-up, further reports on the arrests of Devlin and Harold, and an examination of the ominous Section 37.
Stay with us, for the truth is only beginning to emerge.
Arthur Penfold, Editor-in-Chief of The Wallywood Times
The Waldoverse continues in Downfall