Ermintrude

The following takes place immediately following: The Wedding

The day after Travers and Mayuri’s wedding…

Master Devlin heads to the dumpster behind his dorm building on Council grounds, searching for Waldo. He knocks on the lid. After a brief rustling from within, Waldo pops out.

wF: Hi, masta! How are you?!

MD: Um... I'm fine. How are you, Widdle Frunkut?

wF: Uneasy! We had a weird nightmare earlier... Wiffuhuh was in a church. Everyone was staring at us. We had stage fright real bad. You was there too!

MD: Yes, well, nothing to worry about. Just a dream, as you said... But I thought you should know—Mayuri and Travers are married now.

wF: Oh... I see.

MD: Also, your wife Sing Kang and Skunk V appear to be... actually dead now.

wF: Ah, good, good... Shot, were they?

MD: No. Skunk V died from a self-inflicted explosion. Sing Kang fell and cracked her skull on a church pew... I may have also punched her.

Frakes suddenly appears.

Frakes: It’s all true. Sayuki Waldo and Skunk V are dead. It’s fact. In addition, Stanbot 1.0 and Mara Wilson were also killed during the wedding terror attack.

wF: Tsk tsk... So many deaths... Oh well.

MD: Well, fewer than a typical Indian wedding... Anyway, Mayuri may now possess a ring of power. We might need to keep an eye on that, but I’m sure it’s probably fine.

wF: She has the precious?

MD: Not sure. Ian McKellen was handing out random ring props from a film he worked on. This one was... very curious.

Frakes: By the way, there’s a funeral for Mara Wilson on Tuesday, if you wish to attend. Not many are going though—just Mr. Bedford and Marina, who wishes to dance on her grave. Literally.

wF: How did Matilda dieded anyhow?

MD: Ed killed her at the wedding.

Frakes: It’s fact. The Editor used her as a birthing vessel to return to corporeal form in this dimension.

MD: He seemed desperate to move the wedding along. Yet nothing has happened since.

Frakes: Yes, I’ve noted that as well. Perhaps he wanted it for personal reasons?

MD: Oh well, no matter. I wrote off Mara Wilson years ago... I take it Dorey Walker isn’t going? The corporate slut?

Frakes: You’re right again. It’s fact. They fell out after she aborted her baby brother—her Christmas present. Then Mr. Bedford became an alcoholic and shacked up with his stepdaughter, Wilson, who became a desert crack whore.

MD: Yes, Mara had a tough life. Probably for the best that she’s dead.

Frakes: A similar story happened to a young woman in New Mexico, about ten years ago.

MD: I believe that was the same woman, Frakes. After the death of Miss Jennifer Honey...

Frakes: Uh... right. Right.

MD: Goodness, Frakes. You sounded like Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson. What’s the matter with you?

Frakes: Not sure... I think maybe that Romulan ale is starting to kick in. It’s illegal in the Federation, you know. Or it was. I don’t know. Can’t remember so good...

MD: Perhaps lay off the ale when you’re on the job, Frakes.

Frakes: Since when did you care about my work? You usually dismiss my fact-checking.

MD: Only because your ‘facts’ sometimes become sketchy and outright untrue. I think it is Romulan ale clouding your judgment.

Frakes: Master Devlin, my facts are impeccable. They are based on meticulous research conducted by author Robert Tralins! They’re in a book, damn it. A book! There’s no way any of these facts I deliver can be doubted. Now if you’ll excuse me, I understand Gail and Guthrie require my services in a dispute with Master Miller...

Frakes beams away.

wF: Think you touched a nerve there, pasta...

MD: He’s just a drunken fool. He’s been caught in numerous lies before. Why is Jonathan Frakes in the Waldoverse of all places??

wF: Ed! He wills it. It’s rather bold of him to just steal characters from other universes and brings them here. We’re like the Militaires Sans Frontières or Diamond Dogs of universes. That’s what makes the WV the greatest verse!

: Hrmm.

Suddenly, Fiz Brown appears from behind the bins.

Fiz: Oi, Devlin! What you been playin’ at with our Tyrone, eh!?

Fiz grabs a dustbin lid and bonks the Master on the snout. In retaliation, the Master pepper sprays her, sending her screaming and running blindly into a wall. She caves her face in.

Waldo hops out of the dumpster to check on Fiz.

wF: She’s dead, Jim...

MD: So be it. I’m fed up with these random Coronation Street characters turning up and attacking me for no reason.

wF: Witherfieldians, eh... Maybe you should stop fooling around with their spouses?

MD: Maybe you should stop marrying people, otherwise Mayuri wouldn’t have left you 😠

wF: ...😡

MD: Don’t give me that look. You had that coming. Anyway, we have business to attend to.

There’s rustling from the dumpster. A well-endowed redheaded girl in her underwear pops out. It’s Cow Girl from Goblin Slayer.

Girl: Hi there! You must be the Master? Waldo’s told me all about you... I’m so happy to join the family!

MD: Ohh... hi...

wF: ...

MD: Who are you?

wF: This is Ermintrude... my fiancé.

MD: Your fian... 🤦‍♂️

wF: Yes well, it was all rather sudden. But Waldo loves her, and you’re not going to ruin it for us. Her father is giving us three cows and a small plot of land in addition. They are simple farm folk from a fantasy realm.

Ermintrude: He’s my uncle, Waldo! I keep explaining this... Isn’t he so cute when he gets confused?

MD: Umm... how long have you known each other?

wF: We first met four or five years ago... but she just arrived in the Waldoverse this morning. This is our second meeting.

MD: I see... Waldo, a word please?

The Master takes Waldo aside.

MD: Waldo, you can't be serious. This is just Mayuri with tits. You're barely over her marriage to Travers. Plus, she's probably a product of incest. Her parents are probably siblings.

wF: Why can you never be happy for Wiffuhuh??

MD: You know that's not true.

wF: You're being mean about the woman I wuv! You want Waldo alone and miserable! And they’re not just tits... They're el gigante muchos grandes tatas. Gonzaga way en fuego. Besides, we've never had a redhead wife before. Her parents were killed by goblins, but we've convinced her that Wiffuhuh is a nice goblin. A noble goblin! And so if her childhood friend, the Goblin Slayer, ever shows up in this realm, she won't let him slay Waldo. We got it all figured out, see.

MD: Did you kill her parents?

wF: Nope. We swears it. Wasn’t us, guv.

Waldo turns back to Ermintrude, who is waiting patiently.

wF: Ermintrude, why don't you go back inside? We must go out. The Masta said we have business to attend to...

MD: You are making the poor girl live in a bin instead of a house. What's the matter with you?

wF: It's adequate shelter. At night we burn trash for warmth. Gives us that nice smokey smell. Besides, you blew up Wiffuhuh's old house, and nobody is making her do nothing anywayz. She has her own mind, and we'd thank ye not to belittle her!

MD: No, Waldo. It was destroyed by the terrorist Skunk V. And you can have another house. The insurance came through. It won’t be as nice as the last one, though... To be honest, we can’t have our janitors being as filthy as you. You need to be regularly washed. I don’t care if you don’t consider yourself domesticated or not—have some pride, man!

wF: We is clean! We has many cats. Alley cats. They bathe us. Look!

A cat jumps up next to Waldo and starts licking his cheek.

wF: See? Besides, Ermintrude bathes in the duck pond at dawn every day. We see the other filthy pervert Mastas spying on her... Besides, you was fine letting Waldo live here before!

MD: Yes, I can imagine... But that pond is not for bathing in! And the cats? This is all just very weird, Waldo.

wF: FINE! ERMINTRUDE!!

Ermie: Yes, beloved?

wF: Pack your things. You have to leave! The Masta says you can’t stay here no more.

MD: That’s not what I—

wF: The Masta is very old-fashioned, y’see. Doesn’t want us living together until we’re married, so you will have to return to the farm in the Goblin Slayerverse until we wed... I’m sorry, my dear.

Ermie: Oh... I see... It’s okay... I understand 🥺🥺

wF: Yes, well. Can’t be helped, can’t be helped... Off you go, then. We will write you... And think of you every day until we unite in holy matrimony, under Ed almighty... You, me, and the twins!

Ermie: Okay... 😢 I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, Master Devlin...

MD: Now hold on just a second here. Ermintrude, you may stay where you are. Waldo is being very silly and willfully misrepresenting me.

The Master gives Waldo a disgruntled look.

wF: We don’t understands... Now she can stay? Make up your mind! Typical wishy-washy Pizza Man! Well, you wanted her gone, so she will go. Ermie, take a hike! Go on, you heard the Masta. Scram!

MD: Stop! When did I tell her to leave?

wF: We has no time for doddling your indecisiveness. You gots to makez decision and go with it, man!

MD: What are you talking about? 🤨

wF: You know! Keep movin', movin', movin’ / Though they’re disapprovin’ / Keep them dawwgies movin’, Rawhide... Don’t try to understand 'em! Just rope, throw, and brand 'em. Soon we'll be living high and wide...

The Master and Ermintrude look on, perplexed, as Waldo suddenly starts singing in a deep, bizarrely melodic voice.

wF: My heart’s calculatin’... / My true love will be waitin’ / Be waitin’ at the end of my ride... / Move ‘em—

The Master spots Waldo casually pulling a bullwhip from his pocket mid-song and eyeing up Ermintrude’s rear. He intervenes and confiscates the whip.

MD: Shut up, Waldo... What is the matter with you? Don’t listen to him, Ermintrude. You are more than welcome to stay. What I was trying to explain to Mr. Waldo is that there’s no need for you to bathe in the pond. We have facilities here, my dear. Why use cats and duck ponds when you have indoor plumbing and showers on your doorstep? You are, of course, welcome to use them.

Ermie: Oh, I see... Thank you! Um... what is indoor plumbing?

MD: Er... I’ll show you...

wF: PERVERT! I knew its. You just want her for yourselves... Dirty old Pasta...

MD: Don’t be ridiculous. But I suppose I can have one of the female staff show you if you’d prefer. Also, as I was trying to say to Waldo: if you are to be married and living on Council grounds, there will be a house for you to live in, if you wish it.

Ermie: Oh my! A house?? That’s so kind of you...

wF: Nonsense. The dumpster is perfectly serviceable. And you're leaving anyway...

MD: Ermintrude, I need to speak to Waldo alone. He must learn. Why don’t you wait here and I’ll send someone to assist you. Okay?

Ermie: Sure, okay! Thank you so much, Master Devlin!

The Master picks Waldo up by the scruff and leads him across the courtyard away from Ermintrude, to prevent further confusion.

MD: Waldo, you're clearly unstable since Mayuri remarried. Your mind is all over the place.

wF: You always says that. You said Waldo unstable before Mayuri was even born. In fact, I believe you said it not long after we met.

MD: Of course, but now it’s extra unstable. More broken.

wF: Fine, fine... Well can you blame us? Wiffuhuh, dumped! For the moustache man... even if he is a national treasure.

MD: Yes I can. You fucked it.

wF: How so? You’re the one who failed to kill her grandmother and blew up my house.

MD: You were married to three women at once. Only one was legitimate.

wF: Yes. Well. Details...

MD: Yes, those details screwed it for you.

wF: Waldo won’t apologise for being a passionate goblin that lives in the moment!

MD: No, just reckless.

wF: We thought Sing Kang was dead before she arrived at the house. And technically we won’t be married to Tess for another century or something. You can’t blame us for future Waldo mistaksz. Anyway... Fact is, Sing Kang is dead now... Hopefully.

MD: Yes.

wF: And Tess is in a zoo—with no proof of marriage. Therefore, Waldo is free to marry whatever it wants. And if that’s big boobie anime girls, what of it?

MD: Yes, you can marry Ermintrude. But don’t make her live in a dumpster.

wF: Then why did you tell us to get rid of her??

MD: I didn’t, you complete arse...

wF: No, no... You are right, of course... Waldo shouldn’t be married anyway. It’s not right. Waldo shall not be domesticated! Sorry, old friend. We should’ve listened to you from the start. Larry said the same thing. Now I'm off to tell Queen Victoria exactly that...

MD: Queen... Victoria? 🤦‍♂️

wF: Yes, Danny. Her Majesty, the Queen. I don’t care if it causes problems with our realm and theirs... Oh no, Your Majesty, not you! Begging your pardon, your highness... We was just uh... saying that I am. Oh, this is the Master! He’s heading off on an expedition in Africa! He has business, you know...

Waldo appears to be talking to the drainpipe.

wF: Tell the Queen about this business, Danny...

Waldo turns around.

The Master has already left.

The story continues in Dr Drabak